Phoenix Rising
by mrsedwardcullen912
Summary: E/B had an all consuming & passionate kind of love. When it started to self-destruct, leaving in its wake broken promises, broken hearts & broken ribs, Bella left. Can their love rise from the ashes or will they finally finish what they started?
1. Damn Tequila

*****NOMINATED BY THE ANNUAL GLOSP AWARDS FOR BEST ANGST*****

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. However, I do own this story. Please do not plagiarize or duplicate without my consent.

**Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives. – Richard Bach**

Bella and Edward were in love. It was an all consuming, overpowering love fueled by passion and possessiveness. But when their relationship started to self-destruct, leaving in its wake broken hearts, broken promises and broken ribs, Bella left. Three years later Edward and Bella reconnect. Can a love that has been to hell and back rise from the ashes and begin anew or will they finally finish what they started?

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Chapter 1 ~ Damn Tequila

I still had no idea why I had agreed to go to this stupid party. _Yes, you do._ Okay, I did. I was going because Alice was my best friend in the whole world and she asked me to. I was going because her husband, Jasper, was also one of my closest friends and it was his birthday. So, here I was, walking up the steps to their house, and I couldn't help but be consumed with the feeling of dread and anticipation.

I knew he was going to be here and he was bringing _her_. _Stupid bitch. _Okay, I knew that made me sound bitter and jealous, but she was hanging around Edward long before things had ended with us. I knew she was just waiting for the opportunity to be with him. I just hoped she knew the only reason she was on his arm was because I had let him go. God only knew what we would have done to one another if I'd stuck around any longer. It didn't have to mean that I was happy about the fact that she walked around on his arm like the cat that ate the canary.

Ever since Alice started planning this party, it had been nothing but drama in one way or another. First, I had Alice freaking out because she thought I wouldn't come since they were going to be there.

_"I know you don't want to hear this, Bella, but Edward and Tanya are coming to Jasper's party. There was just no way to avoid it. He is one of Jasper's best friends and it would kill him if Edward wasn't there."_

_Alice was talking so fast that anyone else would've had a hard time understanding a word she said. However, since we had been friends for the past sixteen years, I'd gotten used to her speed talk. It did get a little more difficult to understand when she was nervous._

_"Alice, slow down! I know I haven't seen or spoken to Edward in a while, but we are adults. We can handle being in the same room together for a few hours, especially for Jasper's sake," I said firmly. I wasn't sure who I had been trying to convince...Alice or myself._

"_Yeah, well, that's what I told Jasper. I mean, Edward and Tanya will probably only stay for a little while, anyway. You know she can't stand to share him with any of his old friends."_

A few weeks later, I had to deal with a frantic Alice because she thought Edward wasn't coming to the party.

_"Bella, I thought you should know that Edward just sent me a text saying they weren't coming to Jasper's party. He claims that it will make Tanya feel uncomfortable since you will be there, and he doesn't want to put her through that kind of a negative situation. Can you believe that shit? I told him if he was willing to miss his best friend's birthday party, because his bitch of a girlfriend can't handle being in the same room as his ex-girlfriend, then he wasn't the friend to Jasper that I thought he was. I told him Jasper would feel the same way." _

Alice had been pissed, but I knew she'd been worried for Jasper. What kind of best friend didn't come to your birthday party? I was pissed because Edward was somehow making Tanya the victim in this and making me out to be the bad guy. How was my being at the party a "negative situation?" What the fuck was that supposed to mean? They were my friends, too, and I had every right to be there.

I understood that Edward and I had quite a history. You didn't date someone for seven years and walk away without one. But it wasn't like he cheated on _her_ with _me_. I couldn't help but chuckle at that last statement. In reality, it was probably the other way around. Nothing was ever confirmed on his side, but sometimes you just knew these things. That was why after we broke up and he started dating Tanya, it hurt. A lot. Not because he had moved on, but because he had moved on with _her_. It only confirmed my suspicions.

_"Alice, maybe I shouldn't come. Edward is Jasper's best friend. I don't want to be the reason he doesn't come to the party. Jasper won't even miss me."_

I'd practically begged Alice to let me off the hook. I wanted to be there for Jasper, but I didn't need or want this kind of drama in my life. Since we'd broken up, my life had been relatively drama-free.

_"Bella, don't be stupid. Jasper loves you and wants you at his party, just the same as Edward. In fact, when I told Jasper about the situation he was pissed. He was mumbling something about 'bros' before hoes'' or some shit like that. Bella, I need you here. You are my best friend and I want you at this party, too. You don't want to leave me all alone to entertain Jasper's weird friends, do you?" Alice whined into the phone. _

If there was one thing I had learned, it was to never underestimate a guilt trip by Alice Brandon. So when Alice had called me back the next morning on my way into work to say Edward had called and apologized, I wasn't the least bit surprised.

I decided at the last minute to invite Jake. He and I had only been out a few times, and I wasn't really sure where it was going, if anywhere, but I figured it would be nice to have a distraction. I couldn't get Edward's words out of my head: a "negative situation._"_ Edward and I were not on bad terms anymore. Sure, when we had first broken up things were rough, but somewhere in the past three years we had found a common ground. We certainly didn't hang in the same groups anymore, but that was more because of who he was dating than anything else. That, and I had been avoiding Edward like the plague for the past three years. I just knew what being near him did to me, and I couldn't be that weak again.

I just couldn't understand how he could treat me like I was the problem here. Was she really all that important to him that he would openly treat me as if I was a threat to their relationship? I knew this party wasn't going to end well. Some shit was bound to hit the fan.

"Bells, you OK?" Jake asked with concern in his eyes. Jake was very tall with dark skin and brown eyes. I had always had a thing for guys that were quite a bit taller than me. I liked when I stood on my tip-toes to kiss them. They usually put their arms around my waist, right above my ass. It also didn't hurt that he had an amazing body. Thankfully Jake wasn't one of those guys that spent more time at the gym then he did at home.

"Yeah, Jake. Just a little distracted. Thanks so much for coming to this with me. I know you won't know very many people, but I have no doubt you will fit right in."

Jake knew a little about me and Edward, but there was really no point in going into too many details with him. We had only been together for a short time, and Edward and I had been apart for so long that it didn't really seem to matter. I had given him a little bit of background information before the party, so he wouldn't be going in blind. Did I tell him that walking away from Edward was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do in my life? No. Did I tell him that deep down I knew a part of me would always belong to Edward, even though I knew I couldn't be with him? No. But I knew and that made going to the party even harder.

"It's about time, Bella!" Jasper slurred from the other side of the living room as I walked in. I laughed because I could tell he was already well on his way to being drunk.

"Hey, Jazz, Happy Birthday, old man!" I laughed as Jasper almost fell off the stool as he was trying to stand up to give me a hug.

"Christ, Alice, how much has he had to drink? Don't you want him to remember his party?"

"Oh, shush, Bella, I can't wait to see how sober you are at _your_ birthday party. It's not that far away, just remember that."

Alice knew I hated my birthday. I hated any event in my life that required all the focus to be on me. Something about being uncoordinated and accident prone tended to make being the center of attention a little less enjoyable.

Shortly after Edward and I had started dating, I introduced Alice and Jasper. He had been Edward's roommate at the time. Soon enough we'd gotten tired of him hanging around all the time when were trying to be together, so we figured we'd pawn him off on Alice a few times. Little had we known that they'd end up falling in love and getting married. At the time I thought that Edward and I would end up just like them. That was before everything went to hell.

As I looked around the house, I couldn't help but be in awe of Alice's party planning expertise. There were balloons, candles, flowers, and a DJ in the corner playing incredible music. If anyone could throw a party it was Alice. I didn't know how she had done it, but her parties were legendary. Something told me this one would be no different.

Suddenly, looking around the party, everything seemed to be going in slow motion. I was nervous to see Edward. Better yet, I was dreading seeing him with Tanya.

"Bells, I am going to go get a beer. Can I get you something? Rum and Coke, right?" Jake asked, after I had introduced him to Alice, Jasper, and a few others around the room.

Before I could answer, I heard Edward's velvet voice from behind me. "Rum and Pepsi."

I turned around and there he was, my own personal God. Edward was gorgeous. He was tall, not as tall as Jake, but still tall enough that I had to stand on my tip toes to kiss him. His eyes were still that beautiful shade of green, almost like holding an emerald up to the sun. It didn't matter how long we were apart, but every time I was near him, I felt that same pull. It was like gravity no longer held me to this earth, but held me to him. I remembered that sense of loss when I had left him. It was like my body didn't know where it belonged anymore, almost like I was freefalling in space.

_Fuck, I need a drink._

"Huh?" was Jake's brilliant response. He probably though Edward was asking for his own drink. I couldn't help but chuckle at Edward's amused expression. Jake and I hadn't really been together enough for him to learn all my weird little quirks, one of which being that I didn't like Coke.

"Bella, doesn't drink Coke. She'll have a Rum and Pepsi," Edward said to Jake, and then gave me a wink and his best panty-dropping smile. Damn. It still got me every time.

I thought that now would be a better time than any to introduce them.

"Jake, this is Edward. Edward, this is Jake," I said with as much friendly enthusiasm as I could muster. A look of recognition flashed across Jake's face, and just as quickly, he turned to glare at Edward.

"Nice to meet you," Jake and Edward said while shaking hands. The way they were looking at each other, I almost expected them to whip out their dicks and start measuring.

"Jake, let's go get that drink now. I could use a drink," I said as I pressed my hand to Jake's chest, and grabbed his hand, pushing him towards the kitchen. I couldn't help but notice the look on Edward's face when he noticed my hand in Jake's.

As I walked into the kitchen I came face-to-face with Tanya. She was beautiful, by all typical standards. She had long strawberry-blonde hair with soft waves. She was tanned, but not overly so. She had big, blue eyes and long slender legs. Everything any guy could ask for and everything I was not. I was short with brown eyes and dark-brown hair. Most days I was lucky to get it to do anything but stick out all over the place. Curly hair and the local humidity made it pretty hard to do much with my hair. My figure had some curves to it, but overall I was very average and very plain. I never could understand what Edward had seen in me in the first place, and seeing him with my exact opposite only drove home those insecurities.

When Jake and I walked into the kitchen, Tanya looked up. I couldn't tell which emotion stood out stronger on her face, happiness at seeing me there with someone else, or hatred for being in the same area code as Edward. Either way, she walked right by me and straight into Edward's arms like she was staking some kind of claim. When she saw me looking her way, she smirked. I watched as Edward came up beside her and wrapped his his arm around her, walking out onto the deck to talk to some others.

We were all standing around catching up and laughing at stories of Jasper from college, when suddenly we heard the door slam and Emmett's loud, obnoxious voice. "Where the fuck is my baby brother? I think I need to get a few birthday licks in to celebrate!"

Emmett was Jasper's older brother and they couldn't be more opposite. Jasper was quiet, shy, and had a way of calming everyone around him. He was insightful and gentlemanly. Emmett was built like a line backer and had the mouth of a sailor on leave. Putting all that aside, Emmett was the kindest guy anyone could ever meet, but he was pain in the ass, too.

"Sorry, Alice, I tried to get him to hold off on drinking till he got here, but I am afraid he is already pretty drunk. It's going to be a long night," Rosalie said as she walked into the room.

Rosalie was Emmett's wife, and she was beautiful. She also did a good job of keeping Emmett in check when the rest of us couldn't. "Beautiful and tough as nails" were the words Emmett used to describe her the first time he met her. He couldn't have been more right.

"What the fuck is Edward doing here with that bitch, Tanya?" Rosalie whispered to me.

"He's Jasper's best friend, of course he'd be here, Rosalie. And since she is his girlfriend now, it only makes sense that she'd come, too. Please don't make a big deal over it," I pleaded. Alice and Rosalie were my best friends and they would do anything to protect me, including dump an entire pitcher of margarita's on her head. _No, I am not joking. _They did it once to this girl Lauren Mallory. _Bitch had it coming to her._

"Bella, do you need a nipple with that drink? Damn, girl, it's a party not a funeral," Emmett said as he came back in the room after harassing Jasper. I couldn't help but laugh when I saw Jasper rubbing his arm. I guess Emmett got a few licks in after all.

"Alright, Em, let's do this." I smirked as I reached up and grabbed the bottle of tequila.

His face lit up with that shit-eating-grin of his as he said, "Line 'em up!"

Alice squealed and lined up six shot glasses as Emmett grabbed the bottle out of my hand. "I'm driving, count me out this time," Jake said.

Just as Alice was about to take one shot glass down, I heard that damn voice again. "Hey, Alley Cat, why don't you just add one more for Tanya and count us in," Edward said as he walks into the kitchen, Tanya trailing behind him like a lovesick puppy dog.

Alice added the seventh shot glass with a scowl on her face for good measure, and Emmett filled the glasses up to the rim. Once he was done, we all raised our glasses, knocked them back and laughed. _Just like old times._ At the moment I was enjoying having all my friends in one place again. It had been so long and nothing felt right anymore, but this moment felt right. I was brought out of my thoughts with a bitter reminder of why things are longer the same.

"Ewww, Eddie! How do you guys drink this shit?" Tanya whined. "I'm going to go talk to Heidi and Felix. Are you coming?"

I laughed out loud. "Yeah, _Eddie, _go talk to Heidi and Felix." He hated the nickname Eddie. Why was he letting her get away with that?

"No, sweetie, you go ahead. I am going to hang out and talk to Jasper and these guys for a little while. I won't be long," he said as he gave her a kiss on the cheek.

_Sweetie? I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. _I could tell she wasn't thrilled at the idea of leaving him alone, but she smiled and headed outside, but not before giving me a backwards glance.

"What the fuck? You let her call you Eddie?" Emmett asked while taking another shot.

"What's the big deal, Em? It's just a nickname. Shut the fuck up," Edward snapped back, but I could tell he was embarrassed. I couldn't help but glance over at him and notice he was looking back at me with an odd look.

Why was this so hard? I had made the right decision. We would've killed each other, one way or another. I convinced myself of that a long time ago. So why was I doubting myself now? _Damn tequila._

"Bella, I have to be at work early in the morning. Do you mind if I take you home now?" Jake asked a little while later.

The guys were in the corner playing cards, and some of the girls were dancing in the other room. I wasn't ready to leave yet. "Jake, do you mind if I stay here. I'll crash on Alice's couch. It's not the first time-"

"And it won't be the last, you lush!" Alice yelled from the other room. I swear she has the hearing of a bat.

As I walked Jake to the door, I noticed Edward look up from his card game to watch us. It made me nervous, but something about the look in his eyes made my chest hurt. "Goodnight, Jake. Thanks for coming with me. I had a really nice time," I whispered, still feeling the burn of Edward's gaze on my back. Jake noticed, too, because I could see the look of jealousy in his eyes.

Suddenly he leaned in and kissed me hard on the lips. I kissed him back, but it felt awkward and forced. Part of me knew that this kiss was more for Edward's sake than mine. I pulled away from him and gave him a small smile. "Thanks for inviting me, Bella. I will call you tomorrow."

I closed the door after he left, and I turned around to the rest of the room. "What?" I asked when I noticed they were all staring at me. Edward's face was unreadable, but before I had time to decipher what it was he was thinking, he got up and threw his cards down on the table. I watched him walk away.

After ignoring curious glances from Rose and Alice, I headed to the kitchen and started making another drink. As I finished putting ice in my glass, I turned around and came face-to-face with Edward's burning eyes.

"What the fuck, Edward? Someone should tie a damn bell around your neck. You scared the shit out of me," I said, trying to get my heart rate to slow down.

"Sorry, I forgot how jumpy you are," Edward laughed, running his fingers through his hair. "So, you and Jake seem pretty cozy. How long have you been seeing him?"

"Edward, don't," I said, trying to make my way past him.

"Don't what, Bella? You wanted to be friends, this is what friends do." I could hear the patronizing tone in his voice and it pissed me off.

"Edward, friends or not, you are still the same jealous guy I used to know. I saw the way you were looking at Jake when we said good-bye. Let's just leave well enough alone and go back to the party, please," I pleaded. I knew where Edward's jealousy led, and judging by the way I wanted to scratch Tanya's eyes out every time I looked at her, I wasn't doing much better. I was trying to end this before it got out of hand.

"How could I not look, Bella? You guys were practically fucking at the front door. I swear you did that shit on purpose to make me mad," Edward snapped back.

"It was a kiss goodnight. Jesus, Edward. What's it to you anyway? You brought Tanya here. Did you even stop to think how that would make me feel?" I spat back. I could feel that familiar rise coming out me. Same shit, different day.

"Hey, guys, what's going on?" Alice asked wearily as she walked into the kitchen.

"Nothing, Ali. Edward was just telling me what a great party this is. In fact, it's so good I'm going to go find Emmett and do another shot." I gave Alice a kiss on the cheek and walked out of the kitchen to leave Edward to himself. I couldn't go down this road again.

"Come on, Em, one more. Don't be a pansy-ass," I said. Even I had noticed how slurred my words were at that point. Everyone had gone home and Alice and Jasper went up to bed a long time ago. Before Emmett could fill up the glasses again, Rosalie grabbed the now almost empty bottle.

"Bella, you win. You broke my husband. It is now time for us to go home. I called a cab, it should be here any minute. Em and I are going to wait on the porch, so we don't miss it."

I walked them out and headed towards the living room when I saw Tanya passed out on the couch. _Son-of-bitch, she's sleeping in _my_ spot. What the hell is she doing here, and where is Edward?_ I looked back over to Tanya and ignored the little voice in my head that said to get a sharpie and write "BITCH" on her forehead, but still chuckled out loud.

"What's so funny, half-pint?" Edward whispered in my ear, sending shivers down my spine. _Damn him and his sexy voice_. I was about to turn around and tell him to take his girlfriend home, when my foot got caught on the rug and I fell into Edward's chest. _Maybe it is the tequila, but damn he feels good under my hands_.

"Easy there. You have had a lot to drink. Why don't you sit down?" Edward chuckled as he caught me in his arms.

I righted myself as quickly as I could and pushed myself off of him. "Why don't you take your bitch-ass girlfriend home, Edward? And don't call me half-pint," I said, trying to sound as mean as possible, but it only came off sad.

"What is your problem, Bella? You have been a bitch all night. Do you think it was easy for me to come here? On top of everything, your boy was acting like your fucking guard dog all night long. I couldn't even look in your direction without getting a look from him. I thought you didn't like possessive guys?" Edward asked with a smirk.

_Fuck him. He's one of the most possessive guys I know, and he knows it, too. _

"Are you fucking kidding me, Edward? Tanya hasn't let you within two feet of me all night, so don't talk to me about _possessive_," I spat the last word at him with as much venom as I could muster, trying not to cry.

_Damn tequila always makes me cry_.

"Bella, you have to understand it is hard for her to be here, to be around you." I couldn't help but notice some kind of hidden meaning in his words. "She knows what we meant to each other and she feels threatened, no matter how many times I tell her we are over. I came because I was trying to make Alice and Jasper happy."

Why did it bother me so much to hear him use words "meant" and "over"? That was what I wanted. No, it was what I needed.

"Bullshit! You came because Alice called you out on your shit. I know you weren't going to come. What was it you called it? That's right, a "negative situation." His face went blank. Did he really think Alice wouldn't tell me? "Fuck you, Edward. Since when am I a negative situation where you are concerned? I know we aren't together anymore, but I thought after everything we have been through, you at least owed me some god damn loyalty as a friend. Even if you never showed it to me when I was your girlfriend." At that point, I wasn't even trying to keep my voice down. In fact, I was screaming at him at this point.

"What do you want from me, Bella? You left me, remember? I was the one begging you to come back. I was the one left alone when you walked out the door. I didn't want it to be this way, you did. Why do you get to be the one to walk out and move on, but I can't?" he yelled back.

_Damn, pissed off Edward is still fucking hot. _

_Stop that. You can't still think like that._

_Stop crying. He's going to think the tears are over him. We don't cry over Edward Cullen anymore, remember?_

I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. I felt light headed and nauseous.

_Damn tequila. _

"Why her?" I whispered. He stared at me. I didn't think he heard me, so I opened my mouth to say it again a little louder this time. "Why-"

"I heard you. I...I just don't know how to answer that, Bella," he said hesitantly.

"How about honestly?" I said back.

He let out a sigh. "Because she's not you." I flinched at his words. All these years later and he could still break my heart. Only this time, it was my fault. I asked him for the truth and he gave it to me. All my worst fears confirmed in that one little sentence. Of course that was why he was with her.

I couldn't help the tears falling down, and I couldn't blame it on the tequila. Because tequila didn't make your heart hurt. Before I even realized it, I was on the floor sobbing, and I couldn't understand it. I had left him. I had to. We were poison for each other. We still were. So why did it feel like he was breaking up with me for the first time all over again?

_"Bella, listen. You know I love you. I care about you a lot, but I think we should take a break."_

_"Edward, please. You don't want to do this. I love you and you love me. Why would you want to walk away from that?" I asked. I could hear the desperation in my voice, so I knew he could, too._

_"Bella, it's just too much too fast. I don't want a serious girlfriend. I didn't come to college to settle down with the first girl I fell for. Please understand. I want us to stay friends...I want us to stay best friends. I can't imagine my life without you in it."_

_I remembered watching him get in his car and drive away. A few days later I had seen him out with Jessica Stanley. I remembered the feeling of not being enough for him. Three weeks later he had come back, and I had taken him back. That wouldn't be the last time he would leave me. _

Suddenly everything went black.

_Damn tequila._

Chapter Song: Mourning by Tantric

Is there something that you're trying to say  
Don't hold back now  
It's been a long time since I felt this way  
So don't hold back now

I purposely forgot about  
Loving anyone  
Cause I'm the only one who has  
Who has been stepped upon

Is there something that you're trying to say  
Cause I can take it  
Cause I grew up a man this way  
And if I'm hurt I'll shake it

I'll crawl back into my cave  
That's how I'll make it  
Cause out of all this hurt we have  
Beauty thus become  
Beauty thus become

[Chorus:]  
In the mourning I can see the sights  
No wonder I could never keep you satisfied  
In the mourning I can see inside  
Myself and all the things that you were trying to hide  
[Repeat]

Wishing all the best for you  
And now I will say goodbye  
Cause all the shit that we've been through  
Put wisdom in my eyes

So walk away, don't turn around  
'cause I won't be standing here  
'cause all the lies that we've been living through  
Are becoming very clear  
And beauty thus become

[Chorus]

Then you conned me into thinking  
That all I had was you  
The small insinuations  
Were cutting me through  
Cutting me through

And now I stand alone here  
Stronger than before  
And I'll never go back  
Never go back  
Never go


	2. Hangover From Hell

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. However, I do own this story. Please do not plagiarize or duplicate without my consent.

* * *

Chapter 2 ~ Hangover From Hell

The next morning the sun woke me up as it shined brightly through the curtains of Alice's guest room. As annoying as that was, that wasn't the main reason I avoided her guest room. She has this terrible bedroom set that her mother gave her when she and Jasper bought their house. Apparently it belonged to Alice's grandmother and was very old. First of all it was gigantic. It took up the whole room and when I slept in it I felt like it was going to swallow me whole. But, creepiest part about it was that the headboard and posts had children's faces carved into them. Alice said they were 'cherubs', but I said they were just creepy. I never slept up here, so then why in the hell am I here?

"Good morning sleepy head. What are you doing in here?" Alice asked in her sing song voice. It never ceased to amaze me how chipper she could be first thing in the morning, even after a night like last night. Right now it felt like a thousand little trolls were hammering in my head.

"I…I guess I wandered up here last night. I don't really remember much about the end of the evening. You know I drank too much when I sleep in this freaky ass bed," I said as I pulled the covers back over my head.

"I still don't understand what your problem is with my grandmother's bedroom set Bella. It is an antique."

"It is ugly and these faces staring at me scare the shit out of me. I am scared they are going to eat me in my sleep. I can't believe Jasper even lets you have this shit."

"You are so weird, Bella", she said as she takes a sip of her coffee. _Bitch. Where's mine?_

"Hey bitches, where the hell are you?" I heard Rosalie call from downstairs.

"We are up here in the guest room, Rose. Come on up", Alice said as she sat down on the bed.

"Why the hell did you sleep in here, Bella. This bed is creepy", Rosalie said as she shivered.

I laughed and gave Alice my best "told you so" look. She responded by sticking her tongue out at me and hitting me in the head with a pillow. _Ow, fuck. The trolls...don't piss off the trolls._

"Not that I mind seeing your pretty face, Rose, but what are you doing here this morning?" Alice asked.

"We took a cab home remember? Emmett just dropped me off to pick up my car. I figured I'd help you two clean up a bit." Rose is awesome. I was not looking forward to helping Alice clean this whole house alone. I felt like shit and all I really wanted to do was go home and crawl back in bed. Before I could even thank Rose for her generous offer she started grilling me about last night.

"Ok Bella, you have some serious shit to tell us about last night." I looked at Rose and for the life of me I have no idea what she is talking about. Obviously the look on my face made her feel the need to explain a little more because she adds, "About you and Edward?" I still have no recollection of anything happening between Edward and me besides the confrontation in the kitchen and both Rose and Alice already heard about that.

"Rose, I don't know what you are talking about. My memory of the end of the night is pretty fuzzy. Maybe you could be a little more specific?"

"You really don't remember anything?" she asked suspiciously. I shook my head and looked at both of them. Alice looked intrigued, but slightly pissed off that Rose knew something she didn't.

"Ok, so last night after Emmett and I left to go home I realized I left my purse on the porch. It had my wallet and my house keys in it so we had to come back. As I was walking up to the house I heard Tanya and Edward arguing. Apparently she had passed out on the couch, but when she woke up she caught Edward carrying you upstairs to the bedroom." _Oh yeah, now I remember. Shit. _

"What the hell Bella?" Alice screams. Now I remembered everything. I remembered how pissed I was to see Tanya passed out on the couch and the fight between Edward and I.

Rose ignored Alice and continued with her story, "She was pissed. I heard him saying that you guys were just friends and you had passed out, but I don't think she bought it. Before I could hear anymore they noticed me standing there and got in their car and left."

"Bella, why was Edward carrying you to bed?" Alice asked accusingly.

"Guys nothing happened. I passed out after we got into a huge fight. I guess for whatever reason he carried me up here to bed. If I didn't know he knew nothing of my hatred for this bed, I'd swear he did it just to piss me off and torture me," I explained as I rolled out of bed and groaned.

I had hoped that would be enough of an explanation, but they both forced me to tell them all of the details about my fight with Edward. I purposely left off the end of the fight where Edward basically admitted to being with Tanya because I wasn't good enough for him and she was what he really wanted. I didn't need to get into that with them. As if it wasn't enough for them to grill me for the past 20 minutes about Edward, Alice started in about Jake next. _God, why can't I ever catch a break?_

"So Bella, what is up with you and Jake? That was quite a kiss you two shared when he left," Alice asked as we were making the bed.

"I don't know. We've been out a few times. That kiss was actually our first kiss. I know he was doing it for Edward's benefit, but I am still a little annoyed that the first time he kisses me was to prove a point to my ex-boyfriend," I said as I rolled my eyes.

"I'd be pissed too. But, give him a chance. He seemed to really like you and it seemed like you two have a good time together", Rosalie said. I was tired of talking about all this.

"Guys, listen. Can we stop talking about Edward and Jake and start cleaning up? I don't feel well and I really just want to go home and go to bed." I said, trying to sound as pitiful as possible.

We made our way downstairs and I headed straight for the kitchen. I needed coffee something fierce. I also knew that if last night was anything like Alice's other parties, the kitchen would be a disaster. I figured we'd better start cleaning up in there first. When I walked into the kitchen I was not disappointed. There were beer cans, empty liquor bottles, cups, Rose's black bra…_wait, what the hell?_

"Rose, why is your bra on Alice's kitchen counter?" I asked as I picked up. They both started laughing. _Ok, what did I miss?_

"I forgot to take it home last night", Rose said casually.

"Ok, let me be more specific. Why did you take your bra off at a birthday party?" I asked impatiently.

"Because Alice's drunk ass husband thought it would be funny to prove to everyone that he can unhook a bra with one hand," Rose said sounding annoyed, but also slightly impressed.

"Um, excuse me. It was _your_ drunk ass husband who removed your bra and attached it to his face and proceeded to buzz around my living room like a freakin' fruit fly. Who the hell does that?" Alice said through fits of laughter.

"Are you kidding me? Where was I when this was happening? And I hope you got pictures?" I asked.

"You and Edward were fighting in the kitchen." _Figures._ "And yes, we got pictures. I am uploading them to Facebook when I get home. Emmett will kill me, but that's what he gets", Rose said while pulling out her cell phone to show me the pictures.

At this point we are all in hysterics. Alice's parties are always memorable, but I don't think anything can top the image of 6'5" Emmett buzzing around the house with his wife's bra on his face.

We spent the next couple of hours cleaning up and laughing at all the silly stuff that happened the night before. I loved my girls.

I got home and immediately crawled back into bed. The next thing I knew I was being woken by my cell phone buzzing on the night stand beside me. _Fuck._ It was Edward. Why was he calling? He said all he needed to say last night. I decided the best thing to do was to act like I didn't remember anything. I really didn't want to get into another fight and I figured if I acted like nothing happened there would be nothing to fight over.

"Hello," I asked tentatively as I answered the phone.

"_Bella, hey it's Edward. How are you feeling?"_ He asked. Just hearing his voice again made me feel sick.

"I feel ok. I've been sleeping it off for a few hours. You know how I get when I drink tequila", I said while picking at the sheets on my bed. I hate that he still makes me nervous when I talk to him.

I heard him chuckle. _Gee, I am so glad even after being a complete ass last night he can still find it in him to get a laugh at my expense. Douche bag._

"_Well, I just wanted to call and say I am sorry about our fight last night. I want to-_", I cut him off. He was sounding nervous and guilty and I really didn't need to rehash everything we said to each other last night.

"Edward, really it is ok. I don't even remember the end of the night. The last thing I remember clearly is Jake leaving, well and a little bit of our fight in kitchen." _That's right. Make him think you remember Jake and that kiss, but not a damn thing about him._

"_Oh…really? Well, that's good I guess. You didn't really miss much after that anyway. I was just calling to check on you. I…I also wanted to apologize for the things I said to you about Jake. He seems like an okay guy."_ Yeah, like I need his approval. Egomaniac.

"_I…I don't like it when we fight. _Since when?

"_I would really love another chance at being friends. I know it is a long shot and I know we have tried and failed many times before, but I…I miss you."_

I am not sure how long I sat there absorbing his words, but I was brought out of my trance by him saying my name.

"_Bella, are you still there?"_ He asked quietly.

"Edward, I don't know if that is such a good idea. We bring out the worst in each other. Besides, you are with Tanya and I am pretty sure she doesn't want you having anything to do with me, so-"

"_Tanya and I aren't seeing each other anymore. We…we sort of got into a fight last night after the party. Listen, I know we have a hard time sometimes, but let's just try. Just friends."_

He wasn't with Tanya anymore? I know Rose said she heard them fighting but I can't believe she broke up with him because she saw him carry me upstairs. The thought of being friends with Edward again was appealing. I did miss him.

"I guess we can try Edward. But, I can't go back down that same road with you again." I said hesitantly.

"_I understand, Bella. I do. Let's just try. I promise I won't let you down this time."_

Did I really think Edward and I were capable of being just friends? We haven't been 'just friends' since we first met. That lasted all of one month before we were all over each other and inseparable.

_Ok, well I am going to go let you recover from your hangover. I'll talk to you later."_

Why did I get the feeling he was trying to get off the phone before I could change my mind.

"Bye Edward." I said. I hung up the phone more confused than ever. Last night we got into a terrible fight which ended with him confirming everything I already knew about myself and our relationship. I wasn't good enough for him. But, then he calls me today saying he had broken up with Tanya and he wants to be friends. Why wasn't anything ever simple with him? There are always too many gray areas, not enough black and white.

I let out a frustrated sigh and decided to get up and make myself something to eat. I was halfway through my sandwich when my phone rang again. _Jesus, can't a girl be hungover in peace?_

"Hello?" I answered, sounding more annoyed than I should have. I didn't even look at the caller id to see who it was.

"_Bella? It's Jake. Is this a bad time?"_

Shit. I didn't mean to take my frustrations out on him. "No, Jake. Sorry. I am just hungover from last night. How are you?"

"_I am good. I had a really great time last night. I am sorry I had to leave."_

"That's ok. I am glad you came." I said, trying to sound as enthusiastic as possible. In truth the whole Edward thing was messing with my mind more than I wanted it to.

"_Listen, Bells. I was calling to see if you might want to go out with me after work one night this week? Some friends and I were going to shoot pool. I'd love to see you again and for them to meet you,"_ he said, sounding hopeful and a little nervous.

We've been out before, why does he sound like he is asking me out for the first time?

"Sure Jake. I'd love to." I have to admit, the idea of carrying around a big pool stick made me a little nervous. If anyone could find a way to get hurt or hurt someone else with a pool stick, it was me.

"_Great! I'll text you tomorrow with the details,"_ he said, sounding much more relaxed.

"Ok Jake, that sounds great. I will talk to you later."

I hung up the phone feeling exhausted and confused. I decided to curl up on the couch and watch TV. An hour later I was half asleep when I heard my phone chirp. I figured Jake must have talked to his friends about getting together and decided to text me now.

I opened the message without even looking at who it was from and saw,

"**Wednesday, 8pm? You free?"**

I quickly typed back, **"Sounds great. Do you wanna pick me up?"**

"**I have to work that day, can u meet me there?"**

"**Sure, where?"** I typed back.

"**At the Rialto. Movie ok?"**

Wait, what? I thought we were playing pool. Suddenly I panic. Please tell me this is not who I think it is? I finally notice the number at the top of the screen. _Fuck me. Edward._ I just unknowingly agreed to go to the movies with Edward. How do I get out of this now? I decided I'd just cancel at the last minute, make up some excuse for not being able to go. It's not that I don't want to try and be friends with Edward; I just need a little more time to wrap my head around this new development.

Finally I typed back, **"Sounds good, C U then."**

"**Looking forward to it."**

_Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. _I am so stupid. How did this happen? I contemplated all the excuses I could use to get out of my plans with Edward, but I knew nothing would work. I am a shitty liar and Edward would know I was backing out. I would just end up hurting his feelings or pissing him off. Neither of which I wanted to do. If I were being completely honest with myself I knew I wanted to be able to be friends with Edward. No matter how much shit we put each other through he was always a constant in my life. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that without him in my life these past few years I have been more than a little lost. I also knew that no matter what feelings I may still have for Edward we can not be together again.

As I was lying in bed that night I tried to make sense of what had transpired in the past 24 hours. First, I was kissed by a guy that I may or may not really like and I have a date with that same guy this week. _I am still pissed that our first kiss was nothing more than the equivalent to Jake pissing on my leg to mark his territory, but maybe he can redeem himself on our date. _Then, I got into yet another crazy fight with Edward. _Nothing new there. At least the cops didn't get called this time._ Then, Edward called to apologize for the fight, to tell me that him and Tanya broke up and then asked me to go to the movies with him as "friends". _Sure, when I think of it all like that it all makes perfect sense. Fuck my life._

As I started to fall asleep I couldn't help but chuckle at one last thought, _I am going to the movies with Edward. How am I going to explain this to Alice and Rosalie? They are going to kick my ass._

Chapter Song: Do What You Have To Do by Sarah McLachlan

What ravages of spirit  
Conjured this tempestuous rage  
Created you a monster  
Broken by the rule of love

And fate has led you through it  
You do what you have to do  
And fate has led you through it  
You do what you have to do

And I have the sense to recognize

That I don't know how to let you go

Every moment marked  
With apparitions of your soul  
I'm ever swiftly moving  
Trying to escape this desire

The yearning to be near you  
I do what I have to do  
The yearning to be near you  
I do what I have to do

And I have the sense to recognize

That I don't know how to let you go  
I don't know how to let you go

A glowing ember  
Burning hot and burning slow  
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence  
Of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you  
I do what I have to do  
I know I can't be with you  
I do what I have to do

And I have the sense to recognize but  
I don't know how to let you go  
I don't know how to let you go  
I don't know how to let you go


	3. Fix

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. However, I do own this story. Please do not plagiarize or duplicate without my consent.

Ok, so I decided to do this chapter from Edward's POV. I thought it might help you guys to know what is going on in his head. I may or may not do future chapters from his POV. It will depend on whether I think it is necessary and whether he has anything to say. He can be stubborn sometimes about letting people in his head. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone who has added me to their alerts and faves. It means so much to me! PLEASE show me some love and leave me a review. I would love to know what everyone is thinking.

The next chapter will be Bella's date with Jake and her "non-date" (as my friend LiveInDakota called it) with Edward. Things are going to get interesting. Aren't we all glad Tanya is gone...or is she?

* * *

Chapter 3 ~ Fix

(EPOV)

"Tanya, would you get the fuck down here and let's go!" I swear that girl can't be on time for anything. I still can't believe I am going to this damn party. Of course I want to be there for Jasper, but it's not going to be easy. I have barely seen or spoken to Bella since she left me almost three years ago.

I tried everything to get out of going to this party. I know it was a dick move, but I can't even be in the same room with that girl. It hurts my chest, hurts my head, it just hurts. I certainly got what was coming to me when Bella left and certainly no less than I expected. I always knew she'd leave in the end because that is what everyone I love does. That is why every time Bella and I got close to getting things right I would do something to push her away.

The first few times I left Bella didn't much up of a fight. I know it was because she didn't think she deserved me in the first place. For some reason she had it in her head that I was a better person than I knew myself to be. She had so much faith in me sometimes it hurt because I knew in the end I'd let her down. After awhile, she started to put up more of a fight. I think she thought she could fix me or maybe she just thought after everything I had done to her she was damaged herself. Every time I hurt her, something in her changed. Instead of her fixing me, I was breaking her.

"_Bella, I'm sorry. I was drunk. I didn't mean it." I begged Bella to listen to me._

"_Fuck you Edward, you didn't mean it! I just walked in on Lauren sucking your cock in our living room. What exactly did you mean to happen?" Bella screamed. _

"_Maybe if you weren't fucking Mike Newton you'd have time to suck my cock yourself." Ok, so I didn't know for sure that she was fucking Mike behind my back, but damn if he didn't want to. _

_I had barely gotten the words out of my mouth when Bella picked up Lauren's wine glass and threw the remaining wine in my face. The next thing I knew Bella screamed, "Fuck you" and threw the glass across the room. It shattered into a million pieces all over the floor._

"_I am not fucking Mike Newton. The only one who can't keep their pants on in this relationship is you!" she screamed. She lunged at me and started punching and hitting my chest and I didn't stop her. When she got tired of attacking me she moved on to our apartment. _

_Bella successfully trashed the place that night and I let her. I deserved everything I got and more. That was the first time the cops got called to our place. It wouldn't be the last. On top of everything else, she forgave me…again._

_The funny thing is, I later found out she did fuck Mike Newton just to get back at me. Man we were screwed up._

By the time Tanya was ready to go we were 30 minutes late. I was pissed. When we got to the party I got out of my car and left Tanya. She can find her own way into the party. _Fuck her._

When I walked in the front door I immediately started looking for Bella, only I smelled her before I saw her. That unmistakable scent of cherries and rain assaulted my nose and made my heart hurt. Then I saw her and felt that familiar pull. Even after all this time I am drawn to her and it feels nearly impossible to stay away from her. Then I saw _him._ _Who the fuck is he? She's mine._

As I overheard him asking her if she wanted a rum and coke to drink, I couldn't help but smile. If he knew Bella even a little bit he'd know she doesn't drink coke. I couldn't help but stake a claim to what little of Bella I still had. While walking up behind her I said, "Rum and Pepsi."

I couldn't help but laugh at the guy's confused expression. _No dumbass, I am not making a drink order._ I guess I needed to spell it out for him. "Bella doesn't drink Coke. She'll have a Rum and Pepsi." When I looked over to Bella I couldn't help but give her a wink and smile. It just came so natural, like breathing.

Bella was biting her lip the whole time. I bet she didn't even realize she was doing it. It was a nervous habit; most times she did it without even knowing it. After she introduced us it took every ounce of self-control to stop myself from ripping her hand off his chest and keeping her with me. _Mine. _I watched as she walked away.

Bella is beautiful. Her big brown eyes still haunt my nights and I miss the smell of her long mahogany hair on my pillow. Bella would probably say she is plain, but she is anything but plain. Girls like Tanya blend into the scenery. They all have the same blonde hair, the same fake tan and the same annoying fan girl giggle. Bella doesn't like the attention so she never notices, but when she walks into a room she does anything but blend in.

I watched her walk away and it felt like losing her all over again. I had to remind myself this was what Bella wanted, what I had expected and earned. I noticed the looks exchanged between Tanya and Bella, but ignored it as I pulled Tanya outside with me. I had to get away from Bella, get her scent out of my nose, and clear my head.

When we got outside we saw Heidi and Felix in the corner talking to some other people. I silently groaned at the thought of having to make small talk with them. Heidi was Tanya's best friend and annoying as shit. I missed my friends, but it always ended in a fight when I brought Tanya around them. After a while, I just stopped. It seemed easier for everyone.

After awhile I got tired of Tanya's friends and dragged her inside. I hadn't even spoken to Jasper yet and if I didn't get to see him, what the fuck did I come here for. Seeing all my friends crowded in the kitchen, laughing at stupid stories, I felt a longing. It is amazing how if someone is screwed up enough they can be holding everything they ever wanted in their hands and still they'd throw it all away.

When I heard that Jake wasn't going to join them I decided to step in and join my friends. I almost completely forgot to include Tanya, but remembered at the last minute to ask Alice to add a glass for her. Alice's scowl did not go unnoticed even though I was hoping that by coming tonight I would have smoothed things over with her. I even used my little nickname for her. _That damn little pixie can hold a grudge like nobody I know._

I watched Bella throw her head back and laugh as we all took our shot. She looked so happy. Happy without me. I always knew she didn't need me. That's why I pushed her away. Because I was hoping I could walk away from her before she realized she was better than me, but I was never strong enough to stay away. I needed her like an alcoholic needs a glass of wine. But in the end, she figured it out and left me, just like I knew she would.

"_Edward, I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much to be with you. We are going to kill each other if I don't have the strength to walk away now." I watched as the tears fell from her eyes. _

"_Bella, don't leave me. I will change. I will stop all the bullshit, just please don't leave me. I can't do this without you. I thought I could, all those times, but I can't. I am not strong enough." I was sobbing, down on my knees, clutching her shirt like a drowning man clings to a life preserver. _

_This was the moment I knew would always come. I always thought I was prepared for it, but now that the moment was upon me I realized I could never be prepared for this. _

"_Edward, stop. This is it. It is over. Please don't call me, don't try to find me. I am not coming back this time." She was crying, but stronger than I had seen her in a long time. She wasn't screaming or throwing things. She was in control and she was already gone. Even though she was standing in front of me, she was already gone._

_I let the emptiness consume me as she pried my hands from her shirt and kissed me on the cheek. I felt her warm breath fan across my face as she whispered, "Goodbye Edward". _

_I flinched at the sound of the door closing behind her and with that I was alone._

I could feel that familiar ache in my chest at the thought of that day, but I was brought out of it by Tanya's shrill voice. "Ewww, Eddie! How do you guys drink this shit?" _Fucking bitch. I hate that nickname. _"I'm going to go talk to Heidi and Felix. Are you coming?" she asked.

Bella laughed and said, "Yeah _Eddie, _go talk to Heidi and Felix." _She fucking laughed at me. Fuck her._

"No sweetie, you go ahead. I am going to hang out and talk to Jasper and these guys for a little while. I won't be long," I said, giving her a kiss on the cheek. _Not laughing now are you?_

Even Emmett started in on the nickname and it was pissing me off. I immediately felt bad for trying to hurt Bella by being sweet to Tanya. It was like nothing changed in the past three years and I am playing the same old games. Bella was right to leave me.

By the end of the night everyone was pretty drunk. The guys and I were playing cards, while Tanya was in the corner whispering with Heidi. I could tell she was about one drink shy of passing out. _I'd have to make sure to get her that drink. I don't even want her touching me tonight._ Bella was drunk too. I don't know why she always drinks tequila. It makes her cry and then she passes out.

"_Hey baby, what are you and the girls doing?" I asked Bella, while I was sitting at the poker table in Vegas. We were here for Emmett's bachelor party and the girls were up to who knows what back home._

"_We are at the club doing tequila shots. I love you baby. Do you miss me?" she asked, slurring her words. I chuckled at the thought of what Alice and Rosalie were going to have to deal with at the end of the night._

"_Bella, why are you drinking tequila? You know you can't drink that shit."_

"_You worry too much Edward. I have my girls here to take care of me. There is no reason for me to break down into tears tonight. It's all fun." _

_A few hours later I was heading back to my room to crash. I realized I hadn't heard from Bella in a while, but I didn't get great reception in the casinos. I checked my cell phone. I had 12 missed calls and 5 voice mail messages. All from Bella. I skipped to the last message and heard Bella sobbing into the phone._

"_Edward, I miss you so much. I…I…hiccup…I wish you were not here and in Vegas with me. Wait, no…I mean I wish…hiccup you were here with me and not in Vegas. Please come home…."_

_I laughed. Damn tequila. I called Alice just to make sure Bella was ok and she said she was sleeping it off in the other room. _

I saw Bella and Jake walk to the door. She better not be leaving with him. She is in no condition to be going home with some random guy she barely knows. _Mine._

I couldn't take my eyes off them as they were saying goodbye. _What the fuck?_ _Why is that motherfucking dog kissing her?_ I was hoping she would slap him but she didn't. Instead she leans in and kisses him back. _Fuck this._ When she turned around and looked my direction I had to wipe the murderous glare off my face before she saw it. I had to get away, fast.

I took a couple of deep breaths to calm myself. What was going on between them? Were they more serious than I had thought? I knew the only way I was going to get answers to these questions was to talk to Bella directly. I headed to the kitchen and noticed her bent over getting ice out of the freezer. _God, she is beautiful. _I had to bite my knuckles to stop the dirty thoughts that were coursing through my head right now.

Before I even realized it I was directly behind her. I couldn't help but chuckle as I caught her off guard. She was always so easy to scare.

"_Edward, where are you?" Bella has just come home from work and I decided to play a little game of hide and seek with her. I hid under the blanket that she had draped over the treadmill so it could dry._

"_Edward?" She was walking through the house turning on lights and sorting the mail._

_As she walked into our room I jumped out and tackled her to the bed. "Edward, you dumb fuck. You scared the shit out of me." She playfully slapped me on the arm and laughed._

_I loved how she looked when she was happy. At that moment I was so overcome with love for her that I kissed her hard. I wasn't looking to make anything sexual out of it, I only wanted to pour some of my emotions into her so that she could feel just how much I loved her in that moment. She kissed me back with the same longing and desire that she found in my lips. _

"What the fuck, Edward? Someone should tie a damn bell around your neck. You scared the shit out of me," she said, as she put her hand to her chest.

"Sorry, I forgot how jumpy you are," I said with a laugh. _I don't want to start a fight, but I have to know what is going on with them._ "So, you and Jake seem pretty cozy. How long have you been seeing him?"

"Edward, don't." she said, trying to squeeze her way past me. I could feel her body heat and I wanted nothing more than to hold her against me.

"Don't what, Bella? You wanted to be friends, this is what friends do." I am trying very hard not to lose my cool, but she just pushes every button I have.

"Edward, friends or not, you are still the same jealous guy I used to know. I saw the way you were looking at Jake when we said good-bye. Let's just leave well enough alone and go back to the party, please," she pleaded. _She was right. I haven't changed one bit._

"How could I not look, Bella? You guys were practically fucking at the front door. I swear you did that shit on purpose to make me mad."

"It was a kiss goodnight, Jesus, Edward. What's it to you anyway? You brought Tanya here; did you not even stop to think how that would make me feel?" she said, clearly pissed off. _What's it to her who I am with? She's the one who walked out. _

"Hey guys, what's going on?" Alice asked, with a nervous look on her face. I knew she would kick my ass if Bella and I got into one of our fights at Jasper's party. Before I had the chance to apologize to Bella she slipped by me.

"Edward, what the hell are you doing?" Alice asked. Her face showed a mixture of anger and pity. She knew how hard our break up had been on me. She had a front row seat to my misery every time I showed up on their doorstep. I'd ask her about Bella and all she would tell me was that she was fine. Of course she was fine; she didn't have me in her life fucking things up.

"Look Alice, I am sorry. I am sorry I almost didn't come to the party. I am sorry for getting into it with Bella. It is just hard. This is the first time I have seen her in so long. It was just harder than I expected."

She gave me a knowing smile and walked out of the room leaving me alone with my thoughts. I grabbed another glass of wine for Tanya and walked outside.

"Eddie, are you ready to take me home?" Tanya asked, slurring her words and stumbling.

"Yeah, just let me go take a piss. I'll meet you inside," I said, as I started walking in the house. The house was pretty quiet at this point. Alice and Jasper had said goodnight a long time ago and everyone else had gone home except for a few random people. As I headed towards the bathroom I saw Emmett and Bella taking shots in the kitchen. _Jesus, she should not be drinking this much. She is going to end up throwing up or hurting herself. _

When I walked out of the bathroom I noticed Emmett and Bella weren't in the kitchen anymore. I walked to the living room to get Tanya and saw Bella swaying in the middle of the room mumbling and laughing about a sharpie. Then I noticed Tanya passed out on the couch.

"What's so funny half-pint?" I whispered in her ear while smelling her hair. I hadn't realized the nickname that had slipped out. _Old habits and all that shit._

"_Edward, how come Alice gets a nickname and I don't?" Bella whined. _

"_Christ, Bella, why does it matter? I call you 'baby' and 'love' all the time." I said, sounding more annoyed than I really was. _

"_Yeah, but those are so generic. They aren't specific for me. Any girl can be a 'baby' or a 'love'"_

_As I looked at her face, with that adorable pout, I wondered how I could deny her anything. "Half-pint", I said, as I laughed._

"_What?"_

"_You look like a half-pint to me. You know those cute little cartons of cream in the grocery store?" I said, half expecting her to slap me for comparing her to a carton of cream. Suddenly she burst out laughing._

_From then on, she was my half-pint._

Before I knew what was happening I was reaching my arms out to catch her as she was falling into me. _Damn tequila._ She felt so good in my arms. I didn't want to let her go.

"Easy there. You have had a lot to drink, why don't you sit down?" I said as held on to her.

"Why don't you take your bitch ass girlfriend home, Edward? And don't call me half-pint." She is in a fighting mood and for some reason all I can think is "bring it".

"What is your problem Bella? You have been a bitch all night. Do you think it was easy for me to come here? On top of everything, your boy was acting like your fucking guard dog all night long. I couldn't even look in your direction without getting a look from him. I thought you didn't like possessive guys?"

"Are you fucking kidding me Edward? Tanya hasn't let you within two feet of me all night, so don't talk to me about _possessive_," she said, trying to act angry but I could see the tears forming in her eyes. I don't want to see her cry. I have seen enough of that to last me two lifetimes. I have to be the one to diffuse this situation.

"Bella, you have to understand it is hard for her to be here, to be around you." _I don't give two fucks about Tanya. What I really mean is it is hard for me to be around her._

"She knows what we meant to each other and she feels threatened, no matter how many times I tell her we are over. I came because I was trying to make Alice and Jasper happy."

"Bullshit! You came because Alice called you out on your shit. I know you weren't going to come. What was it you called it? That's right a "negative situation". She is barely holding back the tears now.

I felt like the wind has been knocked out of my lungs. I never meant for Bella to hear that. I was just trying to avoid coming here, seeing her and feeling all the things I knew I would feel.

"Fuck you Edward. Since when am I a negative situation where you are concerned? I know we aren't together anymore, but I thought after everything we have been through you at least owed me some god damn loyalty as a friend, even if you never showed it to me when I was your girlfriend." _Loyalty? Now, she expects loyalty between us? Where was her fucking loyalty when she walked out the fucking door?_

"What do you want from me Bella? You left me, remember? I was the one begging you to come back. I was the one left alone when you walked out the door. I didn't want it to be this way, you did. Why do you get to be the one to walk out and move on, but I can't?"

I stopped at stared at her. She was openly crying at this point and all I wanted to do was run to her and comfort her. Why can't we stop doing this to each other? I want to be good enough for her. I don't want to be broken for her anymore. I want to be the one to fix her. I owe it to her.

"Why her?" she whispers. If I really want to fix her, I have to be honest with her. "Why-", she started to ask again.

"I heard you. I…I just don't know how to answer that Bella." I said, scared because for the first time I am going to be honest with myself and with her.

"How about honestly, for once?" she said. I swear sometimes she can read my mind.

Here goes nothing. "Because she's not you." And before I can explain she is on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. "Bella, baby, let me explain. It is not what you think." I don't think she can hear me because she is crying so hard. And she is broken. In that moment, seeing Bella completely shattered, I realized that this is not going to be as easy as an apology and telling one truth. One truth does not erase years of lies.

I picked up her lifeless body and hugged her close to me. As I placed her in the bed of Alice's guest room I couldn't help but notice the irony. My own broken body lay in this bed so many times during the months after Bella left me. I hated that bed. It was so big and cold, but sometimes I secretly hoped that it would swallow me whole.

I tucked a lose strand of hair behind her ear and rubbed my finger down her cheek to wipe away a single tear. I would do everything in my power to make sure this was the last time Bella ever shed a tear over me again.

As I made my downstairs I saw Tanya waiting for me at the bottom. She looked pissed and I could only guess that she had heard my argument with Bella and saw me carry her up to bed. _Ding._ I guess I was about to go another round.

Chapter Song: Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning) by Vertical Horizon

So you sailed away  
Into a grey sky morning  
Now I'm here to stay  
Love can be so boring

Nothing's quite the same now  
I just say your name now

But it's not so bad  
You're only the best I ever had  
You don't want me back  
You're just the best I ever had

So you stole my world  
Now I'm just a phony  
Remembering the girl  
Leaves me down and lonely

Send it in a letter  
Make yourself feel better

But it's not so bad  
You're only the best I ever had  
You don't need me back  
You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to  
Patch me up inside  
But I can't take it so I  
Run away and hide  
And I may find in time that  
You were always right  
You're always right

So you sailed away  
Into a grey sky morning  
Now I'm here to stay  
Love can be so boring

What was it you wanted

Could it be I'm haunted

But it's not so bad  
You're only the best I ever had  
I don't want you back  
You're just the best I ever had  
The best I ever had  
The best I ever


	4. Scratch

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. However, I do own this story. Please do not plagiarize or duplicate without my consent.

First of all, a HUGE thank you to everyone that is following and reviewing my story. It means so much. I hope you enjoy the next chatper. PLEASE leave me a review after you finish and let me know what you think. I scream like I just saw RPattz when I get those alerts in my in box. Thanks again!

Also, please read the massive author's note at the end! Thanks!

* * *

**Chapter 4 ~ Scratch**

I woke up Monday morning to the incessant buzzing sound of my alarm clock. As much as I hated to wake up to that sound every morning before work, it really was a necessity since I sleep like the dead, usually. However, last night I tossed and turned all night trying to sort through everything. The last thing I remember was trying to decide whether to tell Jake about my plans with Edward. Ordinarily this would be something I would talk to Alice and Rosalie about, but since they don't even know about my plans with Edward that is not an option.

I rolled out of bed and wandered downstairs to start my morning pot of coffee. I headed back upstairs to take my shower and get ready for work. The nice thing about living alone is you don't have to fight anyone for the bathroom in the morning.

As I stood in the shower, letting the hot water spill down over my head, I couldn't help myself from thinking of the words Edward said to me at the party. _"Because she's not you."_ I was not surprised to hear his confession. I always knew his being with me was a fluke. What I didn't understand was why he was making the effort to be in my life if he felt this way.

As I made my way into the office I noticed I had a missed message on my phone. I made sure to check who it was before reading it. _I won't make that mistake again._ It was from Jake.

**Bells, Sharky's Pool Hall, 2morrow nite 8. U in?**

After sending him a quick text back saying I was in, I walked into my office and got to work. I work as a copy editor at a publishing house. I love my job, I truly did. It is a small company and I love my boss, Bree. Unfortunately, one of the downsides of working for such a small company is there is only so far you can go. Right after college I had an opportunity with a larger company in the city, but I turned it down to stay here with Edward. After we broke up I questioned that decision a lot.

"Good morning, Miss Swan", my assistant Angela said as I walked by her desk. Angela was a great assistant, very efficient and hard-working. I counted myself very lucky to have her. She didn't get involved in all the office gossip that some of the others lived for.

"Good morning, Angela. What kind of day do I have today?" I asked, while glancing over the stack of mail she handed me.

"Just a few client meetings this morning and a meeting with Bree to go over the press release for Charlotte's book release next month." Charlotte was my biggest client. We had been trying for months to get her to switch publishing companies for the release of her newest self-help book. After countless meetings I had convinced her that even though our company was small, we could give her the personal attention that she wasn't getting from her previous publisher.

"Great, thanks Angela. I'll just be in my office catching up on some emails before my first meeting. Please just buzz me when they arrive."

The day went by so fast that I barely had a chance to think about Jake or Edward. Bree had assigned 3 new manuscripts for me to read and determine if a meeting with the author was worth our time. I was excited to be getting new assignments, but I was definitely feeling stretched a little thin.

My main focus right now had to be Charlotte. I couldn't lose her now after all the hard work I'd put in to get her. Fortunately, the meeting with Charlotte went well but she wanted to meet again early tomorrow morning to go over everything one last time. By the time I got home I was exhausted. The combination of no sleep last night and being so busy today was making it impossible to keep my eyes open.

After throwing a bag of popcorn in the microwave I turned the TV on and sat down on the couch. The next thing I knew I woke up with a terrible ache in my neck and the sun shining through my living room curtains. _Shit. What time is it? _I ran into the kitchen to check the clock. By the grace of God, I woke up with plenty of time to get ready for my meeting.

Tuesday was a whirlwind of meetings with Charlotte, Bree and our PR team. I was so busy that I almost forgot about my plans with Jake until I got a text from him at the end of the day.

**Change of plans. 7:30. Ok?**

I glanced at the clock on my desk. _Shit._ It was 7:15. I had time to make it to the pool hall, but going home to put on something more comfortable was not going to happen. _Great. As if playing pool wasn't going to be difficult enough, now I get to do it in heels and a skirt._

I made my way outside and hailed a cab. I wasn't about to try and walk the 10 blocks in these heels. I found I was surprisingly excited about seeing Jake. I just hoped this evening went well.

As I walked into the pool hall I noticed everyone turn to look at me. I guess I didn't really fit in wearing a black pencil skirt and black heels. Most of the people were dressed in jeans and t-shirts. I couldn't help but laugh. If they thought I stuck out like a sore thumb now just wait till they get a load of me playing pool.

"Bells, you made it!" I saw Jacob standing in the back corner of the room with his friends. He looked amazing. He was leaning over the pool table about to take his next shot wearing a pair of jeans and a tight black t-shirt. Suddenly I felt the need to go change my underwear. _Damn._ _He is hot!_

"Hey, Jake. Sorry I am a little late. I got held up at work," I said, as I walked his direction.

"That's ok. Sorry for the change of plans. Can I get you a drink? Rum and Pepsi, right?" _Points for remembering what I like to drink. I guess he didn't like Edward showing him up at the party._

"That would be great, Jake, thanks."

Before he headed to the bar for my drink he introduced to me to his friends. Quil and Embry had the same dark skin and build as Jake, only not quite as big. They both smiled at me when Jake introduced us. Leah and Rebecca were quietly talking in the corner when Jake led me over to them, but they abruptly stopped as we reached them. Rebecca smiled brightly at me and gave me a hug.

"So this is Bella. Jake has been talking about you non-stop," she said, as she gave a small wink in Jake's direction. It was hard to tell because of his dark complexion, but I swear he blushed a little.

"Bella, this is Rebecca, my older sister. Please just ignore whatever she says. She lives to embarrass me." Rebecca laughed and gave Jake a pat on the back.

"It's not my fault if the truth embarrasses you little brother."

Jake just rolled his eyes and continued his introductions. "Bella, this is Leah. We all grew up together. She just moved back to town."

I couldn't help but feel he was leaving something out, but I just smiled at Leah and offered a quick hello. She didn't seem very friendly and she certainly didn't seem eager to make small talk with me.

"I'm going to go get that drink for you now. I'll be right back," Jake said, as he walked towards the bar.

"So Bella, I hope Jake is taking good care of you. My dad would never let him hear the end of it if he was being anything less than a gentleman," Rebecca said, as she started setting up the balls for a new game of pool. I watched what she was doing because quite frankly I knew nothing about the game. I knew the object was to get the different colored balls in the holes, but I wasn't exactly sure how or why one went about doing that.

"He is great, really. We haven't been out that much, but he has always been super sweet to me."

"Do you want to play a game of pool?" Rebecca asked as she watched my eyeing the pool table.

"Uh, I don't know. I have never really played before."

"Come on Bells, it'll be fun," Jake said, as he handed me my drink. I figured I'd at least give it a shot. If I knocked someone upside the head with the pool stick thingy or sent one of the balls flying across the room, I'd stop. _This is going to be interesting._

"Ok, but someone will have to show me what to do."

Jake's face lit up as he proceeded to go into details about lining up your shot, not sinking the white ball and only getting the black ball in after you got all the other balls in first. I only kind of paid attention because I kept noticing the looks Leah was giving me. _What the fuck is her problem? I just met her._

Jake hit the first shot and knocked in two balls at the same time. He looked awfully proud of himself in the process. I couldn't help but laugh at the look on his face. Embry was up next and he missed his shot.

"Ok, Bells. You are up next. Remember what I told you about lining up your shot." _Yeah, whatever the hell that means._ I decided to just hit a ball and hope for the best. As I pulled my stick back hard to hit the ball I heard Jake groan as the stick nailed him right between the legs. _Fuck._ I turned around to see Jake doubled over, clearly in pain, while Embry, Quil and Rebecca were laughing hysterically. I think I even got a small smile out of Leah.

"Jesus Jake, I am so sorry. I told you I don't know what I am doing." After several seconds Jake stood up and took a deep breath.

"It's ok Bells. Why don't you give it another shot? I'll just stand a little farther back this time."

This time I made sure I had plenty of clearance around me before taking my shot. I was proud of myself when I actually got a ball in.

"I did it!" I said, as I turned to Jake with a smile on my face. He had a smirk on his face like he was trying not to laugh.

"What? I got a ball in. Aren't you going to congratulate me or did I hit your balls so hard they got stuck in your throat?" I was irritated now. Why wasn't he more excited for me? He knew I had no idea what I was doing. I was very proud of my accomplishment.

"Sorry Bells. I am very proud of you. Unfortunately you got the cue ball in." I stared at him. I am sure the look on my face only mirrored the confusion I was feeling.

"What the hell is the cue ball?" At that point, everyone was laughing, except me. Just as I was about to walk off, feeling embarrassed and pissed, Jake managed to stop laughing long enough to give me a hug.

"You are so adorable Bella. Remember what I told you about not sinking the white ball? The white ball is the cue ball and if you get that in it is called a scratch. The other team gets to put the cue ball back on the table anywhere they want and take their shot. It isn't a big deal. It happens to everyone. It was just so cute how excited you were. I am sorry for laughing."

I still felt embarrassed, but I was glad that Jake finally explained himself. I decided that I would just let the others play. I would be better off if I just watched. _So would Jake's balls._

"Ok, well now that everyone has had a good laugh and I managed to sink more than my share of balls for the night, I think I may just sit the rest of the game out and watch," I said, as I took a long sip of my drink.

I sat in the corner and watched Jake and Rebecca play against Embry and Quil. The conversation between us came natural and easy. I really liked his friends. They reminded me of some kids I was friends with in my old neighborhood growing up. I still couldn't figure Leah out, but I figured Jake would tell me when he wanted to_. If he wanted to._

Before I knew it, it was almost midnight and I was getting tired. _And drunk._

"Jake, I probably should call a cab and head home. It is getting late and I have to be at work early tomorrow."

After saying goodbye to everyone, Jake and I walked outside to wait for the cab. It was a nice night. The summer was just coming to an end so the days were still warm, but the evenings were cooling off.

I couldn't help but shiver as the cool air hit my skin when walked outside. Jake instinctively took his arms and rubbed them up and down my arms to warm me up. It was a nice feeling. His hands were so big and warm. They made me feel safe. I realized in that moment that I hadn't felt safe in so long.

"You totally want to kiss me right now," Jake said, as he looked into my eyes and a soft smile played on his lips.

"Actually, I think you want to kiss me," I said, looking up at him through my eyelashes.

"I really do, Bella." _Thank God._

"Then what are you waiting for?" And with that he wrapped his big, strong arms around my waist and pulled me into him. His warms lips crashed into mine and his tongue danced slowly and delicately across my bottom lip. I opened my mouth slightly to grant his tongue entrance and felt his tongue glide into my mouth. He tasted like beer, mint and fresh cut grass. I couldn't help but moan softly as our tongues continued to play with each other.

As we slowly pulled away, I couldn't help but smile and say, "That should have been our first kiss."

He looked sheepish, like he had been caught doing something wrong. I didn't mean to make him feel bad about the way he kissed me at Jasper's party so I quickly changed the subject.

"I had a really great time tonight, Jake. Thank you so much for inviting me. I really like your friends." I said, as I walked towards a bench under an old oak tree.

"I am really glad you came too, Bella. My friends really liked you too. I am so glad you got the chance to meet them. I am sorry about Leah. We sort of used to date. I think she thought when she moved back to town we could just pick up where we left off before she moved, and you just caught her off guard. Things with her have always been complicated. "

"Oh, that's ok. I know all about complicated." I said, as I thought about Edward. _Shit. _I had been having so much fun I hadn't even given a thought as to what I would say if Jake asked about Edward. I just wasn't prepared to answer questions about us. Especially since I didn't even know if this "just friends" thing was even going to work.

"Yeah, you and that Edward guy definitely seem to have some pretty complicated stuff going on. He didn't take his eyes off you all night at Jasper's party."

Fortunately, before I was forced to address the Edward situation my cab pulled up to the curb.

"That's my cab Jake. Thanks again for tonight. I really hope I can see you again soon," I said, as I walked towards the cab.

"I will give you a call tomorrow. Maybe we can go catch a movie this weekend," he said, as he helped me climb into the cab.

"I would love that Jake. Goodnight."

I watched him as the cab pulled away. I wasn't expecting to feel this way about Jake. I had gotten so used to being alone. It was easier to forget Edward when I wasn't faced with all the same fears and insecurities in another relationship. For some reason Jake was different. I didn't feel inadequate. I didn't feel like he was already one foot out the door. Maybe I was finally ready to move on from Edward Cullen. _Haven't we said that before? Shut up._

Before I went to bed that night I sent Jake a quick text.

**Sorry I sunk your balls. I'll be gentler next time. ;) –B**

I guess the Rum was making me a little braver and flirtier than I usually would've been. I'll probably regret that text in the morning.

**Promise? ;) –J**

As I read Jake's text I couldn't help the butterflies that I felt in my stomach. He was making me feel like a teenage girl with my first crush and I liked that. It made me feel like things didn't always have to be so complicated and hard. I was definitely going to give this Jake thing a try.

**I promise. -B**

I woke up Wednesday morning feeling lighter and excited about the future. It had been so long since I felt that I was doing more than just getting by, it felt so good to have something to look forward to. I even managed to wake up before my alarm clock had the chance to go off.

My morning started off crazy. I had several messages from Charlotte on my voicemail and on top of that, all three of the manuscripts I read were worthy of a meeting with the author. When word had gotten out that Charlotte Simpson had switched to our company we definitely saw an increase in the number of submissions. I guess you could say that signing her had helped our "street cred" in the publishing world. I was secretly hoping this would mean our company would be able to expand and maybe I would be offered a senior editor position if it did. After all, I was the reason Charlotte switched to our company.

Suddenly I was pulled out of my thoughts by my cell phone ringing. It was Alice. I hadn't talked to her since the day after Jasper's party. It's not that I had been avoiding her per se; I had been very busy with work. In reality, I knew I hadn't called her because she had a way of knowing when I was keeping something from her and I just didn't want to tell her the latest with Edward.

It was no secret that she wanted Edward and me to break up. She saw first hand what kind of a relationship we had and it scared her. It scared all of us. She tried to be supportive, but eventually it just got to be too hard. I didn't blame her.

"What up, Pixie Dust?" I said, as I answered the phone.

"Don't call me that, you know I hate that name. And why have you been avoiding me?"

I laughed. Alice tried to sound mean, but she never could quite pull it off. "I'm sorry, Alice. I have been swamped at work and I…I…had a date with Jake last night." I was hoping that little bit of information would throw her off the scent that I was hiding something else.

"You what? You little bitch? You got laid, didn't you? You sound like you got laid," Alice said, practically shrieking into the phone.

"Alice! No I did not get _laid._ I just met him and some of his friends at Sharky's. We played pool and had a few drinks. No big deal."

I had a hard time understanding Alice through her uncontrollable laughing. I sat patiently and waited for her to control herself. I knew this had something to do with the image of me, playing pool. Finally, her laughter had subsided enough for her to repeat her question.

"You played pool? How many stitches did you end up needing?"

"Kiss my ass Alice. I managed just fine. I didn't get hurt at all." I paused. Alice was waiting for me to go on because she knew me too well. "Unfortunately, I can't say the same for Jake's balls." Again, I waited for the laughter to die down and told her about the rest of the evening.

"That is the most romantic kiss. I am so glad you are giving him a shot, Bella. He really does seem like a nice guy. You deserve that, you know?"

I managed to get off the phone with Alice without her suspecting anything else. I would eventually tell her about my plans with Edward, but not until I had something to tell her. If our previous success rate at being friends still held true, it would be a short conversation anyway. I really didn't have high hopes for us.

The rest of the day went by fairly quickly and rather smoothly. I even had time to go home a clean up before I met Edward. The butterflies were back, only this time it was nerves. I hadn't been alone with Edward since the night I left, I had no idea how this was going to work.

As I walked out the door I gave myself one more glance in the mirror. This was Edward. No need to go to too much trouble. I threw on my favorite pair of jeans, a t-shirt and my worn out chucks. I loved these shoes. I don't care of Alice had a stroke every time I wore them. They were comfortable and went with anything.

"Here goes nothing," I said aloud, as I walked out the door. The Rialto was a 5 minute walk from my apartment, so I left just a few minutes before eight. My phone chirped as I was a block from the theatre. It was a text from Edward.

**Standing me up? Hurry up! –E**

_Damn, he is still an impatient little fucker._

**I'll get there when I'm ready. –B**

Ok, I was just trying to aggravate him. I was so close I was surprised he didn't see me.

**We are going to miss the movie! –E**

"Would you keep your pants on? Jesus Edward, I am here," I said, as I walked towards him.

"You just can't miss an opportunity to bug me can you, Bella?" Edward said, trying to sound pissed, but I could tell from his emerald eyes that he wasn't.

"Yeah well, some things never change," I said, as I reached into my purse to grab some money for the movie. I couldn't help but notice a strange look on his face as I spoke. I wasn't sure what I said that could've caused him to look so sad.

"Save your money for popcorn, I already bought our tickets. I was afraid you were going to be late and it would be sold out." I looked at him skeptically.

"What? It is a movie ticket, Bella. An innocent movie between friends."

I couldn't help the laugh that escaped my mouth after remembering a certain memory.

"Care to let me in on the joke, Bella?"

"I'm sorry. I was just remembering the last time we went to a movie together. If I remember correctly I ended up giving you a blow job in the back row. That doesn't exactly scream innocent," I said, laughing.

"If _I _remember correctly, you were the one screaming as I finger fucked you in the car on the way home that night," he whispered in my ear as he walked into the theater. I bit my lip and smiled as I thought about that night.

I tried to clear my head as I followed behind him towards the theatre. As we walked into the dimly lit theatre I realized I hadn't even asked what movie we were seeing. Knowing Edward it was some lame action flick with lots of explosions and lots of half dressed women running in slow motion.

"Hey, what are we seeing?" I whispered, as I offered Edward some Twizzlers.

"Shh, it's starting. You'll see," he whispered back, without looking at me. _What is he up to?_

After the previews ended and the movie began I immediately recognized the opening music. We were watching Top Gun. I felt completely caught off guard. Why would Edward bring me to see the same movie we saw on our first date?

"Edward, what the fuck?"

"Bella, relax. It's just a movie, remember?" He looked like he wanted to say more, but he quickly turned back towards the screen. I sighed and decided there was nothing I could do at this point except enjoy the movie. He'd get an earful from me afterwards.

I had to admit. It was a really good movie. I forgot how gorgeous Tom Cruise was before he went all bat-shit crazing and started jumping on Oprah's couch. I shifted a little in my seat as memories of our first date, our first kiss, started to come back to me. That same familiar electric current crackled in the air around us. _I wonder if he feels that too._

"_So what is the name of this movie, Edward?" I asked, as I looked around his apartment. It was nice. Small and cozy. Nothing extravagant, but comfortable._

"_Top Gun. It's not exactly a new movie; I can't believe you haven't seen it?" Edward said, as he loaded the DVD into the player. He walked towards the recliner in the corner and sat down. As he did, he patted the space between his legs, motioned for me to sit down. Once I sat down, he raised the foot rest up. We were quite cozy snuggled together in the tiny chair. He smelled so good, like spring rain and linen. _

_We sat that way for the majority of the movie, until Edward broke the silence, "Are you comfortable?"_

_As I looked back at him to respond our eyes locked and slowly our lips touched. His lips were soft and warm and they molded perfectly to mine. I nuzzled my nose to his as he lightly nibbled on my bottom lip. As he did that I took the opportunity to taste his lips. He moaned as my tongue lightly ghosted across his lips and slowly his tongue entered my mouth. As our tongues began to play with one another I could feel the electricity pulsing through us and it only made me cling to him harder. _

_The only sounds that could be heard in that moment were our own breaths and Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" playing softly in the background. _

Before I knew it the credits were rolling and everyone was filing out of the theatre. I looked over to Edward expectantly, but he wasn't getting up.

"Are you ready to go?" I asked, making a move to get up.

"Let's stay here for a little bit. The next showing doesn't start for a while and we haven't really had a chance to talk since _someone_ was late."

"Uh, okay. What do you want to talk about?" I said nervously, as I bit my bottom lip.

"Stop that, you don't have anything to be nervous about Bella. It's just two friends hanging out," he said, as he pulled my lip out with his thumb. _God his touch still feels amazing._

"Thanks for coming tonight Bella. I really wanted to apologize for my behavior at Jasper's party."

"Edward, its fine. Let's not even discuss it." _Please, let's not discuss it._

"So can I ask you a question?" I said, desperately trying to change the subject.

"Sure. But technically you just asked me a question," he said, with a playful smile on his lips.

I rolled my eyes at his observation. "Why did you bring me to _this_ movie? It isn't going to change my mind Edward. We can't be together."

"I was not trying to change your mind Bella. You are right, we can't be together. We aren't good for each other." _You mean I am not good enough for you. Didn't we already cover that the other night?_ "It's just..so many of our memories are tainted. Everything got so crazy that even the good times have a dark cloud over them. I just saw this was playing and thought that maybe we could stand to recreate some memories and maybe…if you are willing…we could try to create some new ones too. Kind of like starting from scratch."

He looked nervous, like he was expecting to be turned down. _I should turn him down_. I didn't want to though. I wanted my friend back. And now that I knew he didn't want me, maybe it would be easier.

"I guess it is worth a shot. But things have to be different this time around. Total honesty and none of that possessive shit you pulled at Jasper's."

His face lit up like a Christmas tree at my response. I couldn't help but smile back. Even after all this time I wanted nothing more than for him to be happy.

"Got it. I really am sorry about that you know. It just caught me off guard, seeing you there with Jake. I will be on my best behavior from now on, promise," he said, as he made a cross across his heart.

"But just out of friendly curiosity, what is up with you and Jake?" He asked, tentatively.

I hesitated to answer him. I wasn't overconfident in Edward's ability to control his jealousy. But wasn't I the one that demanded honesty? "We have only gone out a few times, but I really like him. Please don't do anything to mess it up Edward. He is the first guy I have found myself legitimately interested in since you and I broke up.

"Just to clarify Bella, you and I didn't break up, you left me. But, I won't mess anything up. I just want you to be happy. Does he know about us, I mean about you coming out with me tonight?"

"No. I wasn't sure what to tell him. You and I don't have the best track record at being "just friends", so I didn't want to risk him getting upset over nothing. No offense."

"None taken. Are you going to tell him?"

"I am now. If you and I are going to try to be friends, then he has a right to know that. I don't want to start a new relationship off with dishonesty. I just don't know how to tell him. I will tell him sooner or later, once I figure out how." I said, as I made a move to stand up. People were starting to fill in for the next show.

"Do you mind if I walk you home? It is getting late and I don't like the idea of you walking home by yourself." He said, as he kicked at a rock on the ground.

I gave him a look. "What? I am not being possessive, just protective. There _is_ a difference, you know?" There was a sadness to his eyes that I couldn't put my finger on.

"That would be nice, thank you Edward," I said, as I playfully nudged his shoulder. As we approached my house I turned to face him. He looked down at me and something in me wanted to go to him and hold him. _Stop that! _

"Edward, I have just one more question. Are you and Tanya really over? I mean, I don't care if you are still seeing her; I have no claim to you. It's just, if this _thing_ between us is going to work, we have to be honest with each other. No more lies."

"Yes Bella, Tanya and I are most definitely over. I am not lying to you about anything. I no longer have anything to hide from you. I have nothing to lose anymore if the truth comes out." _Complete honesty from Edward Cullen? _

I stood there staring at him for a moment. I didn't know quite what to make of his words. Just as I was about to say goodnight I noticed he was looking over my shoulder with a pained look on his face.

"Bella, I think you may need to tell Jake sooner rather than later," he said, as he jerked his chin in the direction he was looking.

I turned around to see what he was looking at. That was when I saw Jake walking towards us holding a bouquet of flowers in his hand. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw us.

"Jake, wait-"

But before I could continue he had already turned around and got in his car. I walked over to where he was standing and saw the bouquet of daisies scattered on the sidewalk. I bent down and picked them up. As I stood up and looked in the direction of Jake's car all that I could see were his taillights fading in the distance.

**Chapter Song: Love Song by 311**

Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am home again  
Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am young again  
Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away, I will always love you  
However long I stay, I will always love you  
Whatever words I say, I will always love you  
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am free again  
Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away, I will always love you  
However long I stay, I will always love you  
Whatever words I say, I will always love you  
I will always love you

* * *

**Ok folks let's talk about sex. More specifically lemons. I love lemons. But to clarify, I love reading them, not writing them. When I go back and reread what I wrote it all sounds so technical. I feel like I am reading a high school biology book. **

**However, I have written an outtake for this chapter. It is more like a twist of lemon, than a full on lemon. I am more than happy to post it, if I get enough interest and response. If I do, I will not post it within this story. I will post it in a separate outtakes post. **

**The reason for this is I don't feel this particular lemon is pivotal to the storyline. That is not to say I will not have lemons for this story, but I just don't like lemons for the sake of lemons. **

**The other reason I am creating an outtakes post is because there may be other stories I want to tell, but I don't necessarily feel they belong within this story. Ok, so I have talked enough. If you are interested in this, please click that button at the bottom and let me know! Thanks again to all my readers. xoxo**


	5. Here's To The Meantime

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. However, I do own this story. Please do not plagiarize or duplicate without my consent.

I just want to say thank you to everyone that has added me as a favorite and has left a review. It is really the only thing that keeps me writing this story. I had fun writing this chapter. You got to see some sillier sides to everyone. I hope you enjoy. PLEASE leave me some love! Thanks again! xoxo**

* * *

****Chapter 5 ~ Here's To the Meantime**

"What the hell, Rose?" I screamed, as Rose threw a pack of batteries in my direction as she and Alice walked towards me.

"I am contributing to the lifetime supply of batteries you are going to need for your vibrator. If you keep screwing up your relationships before they ever start that is the closest thing to sex you are going see!"

I wasn't sure whether to give her the finger or take the batteries and stick them in my purse. Those damn things are expensive and to be honest, she was right. After Jake saw me standing outside my apartment building with Edward the other night he hadn't returned any of my calls. I finally broke down and called Alice and Rose and filled them in on the whole situation. We decided to meet for coffee at a nearby Starbucks after work on Friday.

Rose rolled her eyes when I gave her the finger and said, "Don't think I didn't see you put that shit in your purse either Bella!"

I just looked at her innocently as I sipped on my coffee.

"The sad thing is the whole situation could have been avoided if you had just come to us in the first place, Bella. Instead you decided to be a sneaky bitch and look where that got you," Alice said, as she stirred her coffee.

"Christ Alice, I already said I was sorry. Listen, I know you both hate Edward and quite frankly I didn't want to hear either of you tell me your opinion on the subject. I know perfectly well where you both stand, thank you very much," I said, as I picked at my blueberry muffin. It probably came out more bitter than I had intended. They truly did have my best interests at heart, but it got so tiresome to constantly be told what bad choices I was making. Wasn't that what my parents were for?

"Bella, we don't hate Edward. Shit, he is practically like a brother to my husband. Family by default I guess you could say. We just don't like you two together. You guys could give Sid and Nancy a run for their money and we all know how that turned out," Alice said, with genuine concern on her face.

I knew I shouldn't be giving them a hard time. They were all witnesses to the shit fest that Edward and I called a relationship. But to be fair, it wasn't always like that.

"What did Edward do when he saw Jake?" Rose asked, trying to change the subject.

"He apologized, even though it wasn't his fault. I was the one who should've been honest with Jake from the beginning."

Edward has a bad habit of taking the blame for everything bad that ever happens to me. Don't get me wrong, he has plenty to feel responsible for, but not everything that went wrong in our relationship was his fault.

"Do you even want to fix things with Jake, Bella?" Rosalie asked.

"Of course I do. I mean I think I do," I said, as I looked up at the ceiling and sighed.

"Well, that sounds convincing. I thought you liked him."

"I did. I do. I guess…I guess I just wish he had put up a little bit more of a fight. Jesus, he just walked away. Normal guys would have confronted the situation."

Rosalie and Alice gave each other a knowing glance and then they looked back to me.

"What? What's the inside joke that I am not aware of," I asked defensively.

"You don't mean _normal_ guys, Bella. You mean _Edward. _Edward would have confronted the situation. Not every guy has to start a fight or grab you by the waist and drag you home to show they care for you," Alice looked at me like I had two heads.

Okay, so maybe my ideas about relationships were a little skewed because of what Edward and I had. But I will be damned if I am going to apologize for it. In some weird way I feel like even though we put each other through hell several times over, we shared something no one else could understand because of that. And for some insane reason I was fiercely protective of that. _Of him_. Everyone always wanted to blame Edward for the fights and the cheating and the screaming and the hitting, but sometimes it was as much my fault if not more. _And he never hit me._

"It's not that I expect that, Alice. Maybe it is something I got used to with Edward, but I don't seek it out. For Christ's sake Alice, he didn't even ask for an explanation. I wasn't expecting him to walk up and punch Edward in the face, but he could return my damn phone calls!"

"I've got an idea. Let's all go out, like old times. The Blue Room is having karaoke night tonight. It'll be fun. The five of us can go out and just have fun, like we used to," Rose said. I am not sure if it was because she could sense the atmosphere getting a little too tense or she was just sick of talking about the same old shit, but I sure was glad she changed the subject.

The Blue Room was a favorite bar around town and when they had karaoke night it was always packed. Plus, the cool thing about this place was instead of the pre-recorded music most bars play for karaoke, they actually use a live band. This band could pretty much play anything you asked, it was amazing.

The idea of a night out with my friends did sound appealing and I hated to miss out on an opportunity to see Emmett and Jasper make a fool of themselves. Those two goons loved karaoke more than any guy I knew. _Other than the gay ones._

Alice was practically vibrating in her seat she was so excited. "Oh my gosh, this is going to be so fun! Bella, Rose and I will come to your house before we go out and get ready. We can meet the guys there."

I knew Alice couldn't resist an opportunity to place dress-up Bella. I sighed and decided to just go with it. It had been has been so long since I have really let myself have a good time.

"Bella you look hot, would you quit stressing!" Alice said for the third time as I stood in front of my mirror.

I should have known better than to let Alice dress me for the night. She had me dolled up like Hooker Barbie. I was dressed in a midnight blue, silk halter dress. It hit my leg at mid-thigh and had a ruffled hem. It truly was a beautiful dress, but paired with the 3 inch silver heels and I felt like a duck out of water. I was destined to break a leg tonight. _Or, forget how short this dress was and pull a Britney by flashing everyone in the club my coochie. _

Of course, it didn't help my balance that we had already a couple of drinks already. I was definitely starting to feel a little tipsy.

"Bella, man up and let's go! We don't want to be late." Alice was checking her hair in the mirror one last time as we walked out the door.

"Okay, Jesus H. Christ, what is the hurry?"

Alice just gave me a mischievous grin and walked out the door without saying another word. Something told me she was up to no good.

When we walked into The Blue Room it was packed. As we pushed our way through the crowd to grab a table I saw the guys in the far corner already sitting at a table.

"They are over there," I said, as I pointed in their direction and started making my way to the table. I was so busy looking down at my feet to make sure I didn't trip in the ridiculous heels Alice had put me in that I ran smack into someone. _Fuck me._ As I tried to catch myself from falling I felt a strong, muscular pair of arms wrap around me and a familiar tingle coursing through my body. When I looked up I was met with the most beautiful pair of green eyes. _Edward._

"Edward, wh...what are you doing here?" I asked, as I stood up and straightened my dress.

I couldn't help but notice Edward's eyes moving up and down my body with the most delicious smirk on his face. I felt like he wanted to devour me right then and there and I had to admit, I liked it. _Stop that!_

"Edward, what are you doing here? Jasper said you had to open the restaurant early in the morning?" Alice asked, as she gave Jasper a pointed glance. _What is that about?_

"Well Alice, since I own the damn restaurant I think my boss will forgive me if I am a few minutes late. When Emmett called and said we were all going out for karaoke, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to relive some good times and watch Dumb and Dumber over there make asses of themselves," Edward said to Alice without ever really taking his eyes off of me.

I was so busy noticing the way Edward was looking at me that by the time I looked over to Alice and Jasper I realized I had missed some kind of silent conversation between the two.

We all sat down at the table while Edward went to the bar to buy a round of drinks.

I was well onto my third drink when Emmett and Jasper got up to sign themselves up for a song.

"Hey Em, sign me up to. I am feeling the need to break out into song tonight," I said, as I sucked down my drink.

They both looked at me with a look of shock and raced to the DJ booth to sign up. I rarely sing when we go out to these things, but not because I have a terrible voice. I just don't like being up there in front of everyone. The guys always try to get me up there, but I am usually more stubborn than I am drunk. _Not tonight I guess._

"Bella, we are going to the ladies room. Why don't you come with us?" Alice asked, as she stood up and started walking towards the bathroom.

"No thanks. I don't need to go. Besides, if I break the seal now I'll be peeing all night."

"But Bella-,"

"Alice, she is fine. We will be right back Bella, save our table," Rose said, as she grabbed Alice and herded her towards the bathroom. _Jesus, why is Alice acting like I need a fucking babysitter?_

"Alice is a little more annoying than usual tonight, huh?" Edward asked, as he leaned towards me.

"Tell me about it, I don't know what her problem is."

"Did I tell you how beautiful you look tonight Bella?" Edward asked, his eyes smoldering. _Damn, I'd love to fuck that smirk off his face. Where the hell did that come from?_

"Thanks Edward. And I meant to say sorry for almost knocking you off your feet earlier. I should've known better than to let Alice dress me tonight."

"No worries, it's not the first time you've knocked me off my feet," he said with a wink and smile.

I swallowed hard and took another long sip of my drink. There was an awkward silence for a while before Edward finally spoke up.

"Bella, I just want to apologize again for the other night. I honestly didn't mean to mess things up with you and Jake," he said, as he was playing with a napkin on the table.

"Jesus Edward, don't you ever get tired of taking the blame for everyone else's mistakes? Besides, not everything has to do with you, you know? I had the opportunity to tell Jake when we went out, but I didn't. It is my mistake and I am the one who has to deal with the consequences," I said, in huff. I don't know why his apologizing made me so mad. I am just so tired of everyone, including Edward, acting like I am too perfect to make any mistakes. I know my role in the destruction of our relationship, just like I know my role in the misunderstanding between Jake and me.

"Bella, I...I just meant-," Edward stammered, clearly taken off guard my by outburst.

Before he could go on the DJ announced my name over the speakers signaling it was my turn to sing. I took one last giant gulp of my drink, basically finishing it off and headed towards the stage.

"Save it Edward, I'm up," I said, as I got up and walked away. As I walked towards the stage I felt butterflies forming in the pit of my stomach. _What the fuck was I thinking? _I didn't even know what song I was going to sing. _Ok, Bella time to put your big girl panties on and do this._ As I got closer to the stage I suddenly knew what I wanted to sing. I wasn't sure who I was singing it about, Edward or Jacob, but I knew it was perfect.

I walked up on stage and whispered the song to the DJ and he smiled and nodded. I walked to the front of the stage and saw Alice and Rose standing in the back watching me with the same nervous anticipation that I was feeling. They both waved and gave me an encouraging smile. _Ok, you are not alone. You can do this._

I looked over to the table where I had been sitting with Edward just a few seconds ago and almost threw up. Tanya had slid in next to Edward and was whispering in his ear. I quickly looked away before I could see any more and suddenly knew exactly _who_ I was singing the song to.

I nodded to the guitarist in the back and turned to face the crowd. Most people weren't really paying much attention. They were talking and laughing, but when the music started everything sort of died down and suddenly everyone's attention was on me. With a deep breath I put my mouth up to the microphone and sang.

_You're running me ragged  
And I don't do the things I should  
And if the devil made a fire  
You'd be the wood_

When I looked toward Alice and Rose they were beaming. They always love it when I sing. I looked toward Edward as I sang the next verse. Tanya was gone and I had his full attention. _For now at least._

_But I just got one question  
Answer me if you could  
How can so much trouble  
Look so god damn good?_

When I made eye contact with Edward he gave me a heart stopping, panty dropping smile and I couldn't help but smile back. As the music started to crank up and the crowd starting cheering me on, I couldn't help but get into it.

_Look at the way that you've been living  
Look at the love you should be giving  
Look at what tomorrow left behind_

_Look at the life that you've been missing  
Look at the girl you could be kissing  
Look at what happened in the meantime_

_Oh, Oh, You gotta get yourself back home  
Before I find you, I kindly remind you_

As I looked around the entire bar was on their feet. Alice and Rose had their arms intertwined and were swaying back and forth singing along. In true dumbass fashion Jasper and Emmett were holding a lighter above their head with shit eating grins plastered on their faces. _Who does that anymore?_ When I looked to Edward, I couldn't quite read his expression. His face glowed with pride, but there was something under the surface I couldn't figure out.

_So come sit down beside me  
With a dollar and a dime  
And we'll drink away our fortunes  
Here's to the meantime_

_Look at the way that you've been living_  
_Look at the love you could be giving_  
_Look at what tomorrow left behind_

_Look at the life that you've been missing  
Look at the girl you should be kissing  
Look at what happened in the meantime_

_Oh, Oh, You gotta get yourself back home  
Before I, I find you, I kindly remind you, baby, yeah_

_Look at the way that you've been living  
Look at the love you should be giving  
Look at what tomorrow left behind_

_Look at the life that you've been missing  
Look at the girl you could be kissing  
Look at what happened in the meantime_

_Oh, Oh, You gotta get yourself back home  
Before I find you, I kindly remind you, baby, yeah…_

As the music slowed, the crowd erupted with applause and I suddenly felt every ounce of the embarrassment that I had been able to suppress while I was on stage. Alice and Rose rushed the stage, both talking so fast that I could barely understand them. Emmett and Jasper were next to come up and wrap me up in giant hugs.

I hadn't even had a chance to catch my breath and take in what I had just done before we were back at our table. I suddenly realized I was about to face Edward and I had no idea what to say to him or what he was going to say to me. _Damn alcohol, always making me do dumb things. That's it! I am never drinking again._

As we approached the table I finally had a moment to take in my surroundings and I realized he was gone. _What the fuck?_ As I was trying to process what this meant and exactly how pissed I was at him I heard the music start up for the next person. I couldn't even look up on stage because I was afraid I would break into tears. I was embarrassed, angry, drunk. Before I could figure out exactly which was the source of the traitor tears that were threatening to fall I heard a voice. A voice I would know anywhere. _Edward._

_The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight  
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time  
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts  
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out_

He looked so sad. He was standing in the middle of the stage with his eyes cast downwards. As he started the next verse he looked at me and we locked eyes.

_I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing_  
_With a broken heart that's still beating_  
_In the pain, there is healing_  
_In your name I find meaning_

_The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head_  
_I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead_  
_I still see your reflection inside of my eyes_  
_That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life_

I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. I was sure this song was meant for me, but it just didn't make sense with his words from Jasper's party. He didn't want me. But, in this moment it didn't matter. I wanted to go to him. He looked like a broken little boy and I wanted to kiss him and make it all go away.

_I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
With a broken heart that's still beating  
In the pain (in the pain), there is healing  
In your name (in your name) I find meaning_

_So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')_

_I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm barely holdin' on to you_

_I'm hangin' on another day_  
_Just to see what you throw my way_  
_And I'm hanging on to the words you say_  
_You said that I will, will be OK_

As I looked around the crowd I was so proud of him. He had the attention of every single person in the room. _Even Tanya. Bitch. _The look on face was anguish and determination. He could've been the only person in the room in this moment and he wouldn't have noticed.

_The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone_  
_I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home_

_I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing_  
_with a broken heart that's still beating_  
_In the pain (In the pain) there is healing_  
_In your name I find meaning_

_So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')_

_I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm barely holdin' on to you_

_I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')_

_I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm barely holdin' on to you_

As the song ended I felt like I had to go to him. Maybe this was our moment, our chance to finally say so many of the words that were left unspoken between us. As I was making my way to the stage, pushing my through the crowd of people, suddenly a familiar form cut off my path.

"Sorry I am late, what did I miss?" I looked up, shocked by who I saw standing before me.

"Jake? What are you doing here?" I asked, confused and quite frankly annoyed. I hadn't heard from him in days and he shows up here acting like nothing happened.

"Alice came down to my shop this afternoon for an oil change. She invited me. She sure can be convincing when she wants, huh?" He said, with a smile.

_Alice._ I knew damn well that Jasper had been changing the oil in her car since they started dating, and she knew I knew that shit. I looked over my shoulder in Alice's direction and she gave me an embarrassed smile. _Never fucking fails._

I rounded on Jake, probably taking out more of my anger towards Alice on him than necessary, "What the fuck Jake? You don't return any of my phone calls and then you show up here like nothing happened. Why didn't you give me chance to explain?"

He looked like I had just told him Santa wasn't real and then shot his dog. "Bella, I am sorry. I was just hurt. I know I should've given you the chance to explain, but my history with Leah makes me tend to believe the worst in people. Alice explained that you and Edward are just friends." _Oh did she now?_

"I guess I just need to man up. There is nothing wrong with a little friendly competition, right?" He continued.

I sat there a moment absorbing his words. As I looked around him I saw that Edward was gone. _So was Tanya._ _Fuck my life._

"Jake, not that Alice had any right, but yes, Edward and I are just friends. Well, at least that is what we are trying to be. Right now I don't even know if that much is possible. And as far as you not calling me back, yes, you should've let me explain. I am sorry you have a fucked up history with Leah, but you know what, that didn't stop me from hanging out with her all night the other night. I am sorry I didn't tell you about Edward, but things are just…" I paused, trying to come up with a word, any word to explain the situation Edward and I were currently in.

"Complicated?" He smirked as he finished my sentence. _If he only knew._

I laughed. "Yes, I supposed that is the best way to put it. And by the way, it is not a competition. I am not a prize to be won by the highest bidder."

"You are right, Bells. I am sorry. Can we maybe start over?"

Before I could answer his question Alice came bounding over. "Hey guys, Jasper is getting ready to go up and sing. After that we are all planning on going back to our place to play some cards. Do you want to come too, Jake?" Alice said, without even looking in my direction. _Fucking interfering little pixie. If I didn't love her ass so much I'd kick it._

"Um, yeah I'd love to. If that is ok with Bella?" Jake looked at me expectantly.

"Sure, it sounds like fun." _Like I had a choice._

"Great! I am going to head to the bar to grab a drink. Can I get you something, the usual?"

"Sounds good," I said, slightly annoyed. _I get it Jake. You know what my favorite drink is. Jesus, does that now mean your dick is bigger than Edward's. _

As Jake walked toward the bar I turned back around to Alice.

"I am not even going to get into it with you here. But we _will_ discuss how your interfering with my life is starting to piss me off Pixie Dust. And besides, did you figure in to your little plan tonight that Edward will be coming back to your place too?"

"Bella, I am sorry. Sometimes you just can't get things right because you are too busy tripping over yourself." _I cringed at the analogy, although an accurate one._

"And Edward isn't coming. He said something about having to work early in the morning." _What the fuck? _

"And Bella, I know what you are thinking. I saw the way you were looking at Edward when he was up there. It's not your job to fix him Bella and I don't want you to get hurt again. Give Jake a chance, please?"

I sighed. I couldn't be mad at her; I know she just wants me to be happy. I'd want the same for her if she were in my shoes. But sometimes I get tired of being treated like a child who can't take care of herself. Last time I checked I was perfectly capable of wiping my own ass, so why does everyone treat me like I can't wipe my own tears? I have never complained about my situation with Edward, everyone else just felt like they needed to swoop in and save me. _Sometimes I wonder if I can even be saved._

"I get it Alice. Let's just drop it," I said as I walked away.

As I got back to the table Jasper was on stage about to start his song. When the music started I couldn't help but laugh. _Fucking perfection._ Alice squealed and then ran so she could be right in front of the stage.

The music started and Jasper's put the microphone up to his mouth, winked at Alice and sang with his unmistakable Texas accent.

_Well, I walk into the room  
Passing out hundred dollar bills  
And it kills and it thrills like the horns on my Silverado grill  
And I buy the bar a double round of crown  
And everybody's getting down  
An' this town ain't never gonna be the same._

_Cause I saddle up my horse  
and I ride into the city  
I make a lot of noise  
Cause the girls  
They are so pretty  
Riding up and down Broadway  
on my old stud Leroy  
And the girls say  
Save a horse, ride a cowboy.  
Everybody says  
Save a horse, Ride a cowboy_

Jasper had the attention of every girl in the bar but his eyes never left Alice's face. The look of adoration and love mirrored on their faces made my heart ache. I wanted that. _I had that_. It might not have been fucking white picket fences and roses, but I had that. Would I ever have that again? I looked at Jake and he smiled.

_Well I don't give a dang about nothing_  
_I'm singing and Bling-Blinging_  
_While the girls are drinking_  
_Long necks down!_  
_And I wouldn't trade ol' Leroy_  
_or my Chevrolet for your Escalade_  
_Or your freak parade_  
_I'm the only John Wayne left in this town_

_And I saddle up my horse_  
_and I ride into the city_  
_I make a lot of noise_  
_Cause the girls_  
_They are so pretty_  
_Riding up and down Broadway_  
_on my old stud Leroy_  
_And the girls say_  
_Save a horse, ride a cowboy._  
_Everybody says_  
_Save a horse, Ride a cowboy_

Jasper tipped his cowboy hat, _yes I said cowboy hat,_ as he gave Alice a wink and a nod and before I knew it she was up on stage grinding her ass on his crotch. I laughed out loud as I watched her.

_I'm a thorough-bred  
that's what she said  
in the back of my truck bed  
As I was gettin' buzzed on suds  
Out on some back country road.  
We where flying high  
Fine as wine, having ourselves a big and rich time  
And I was going, just about as far as she'd let me go.  
But her evaluation  
of my cowboy reputation  
Had me begging for salvation  
all night long  
So I took her out giggin frogs  
Introduced her to my old bird dog  
And sang her every Willie Nelson song I could think of_

_And we made love_

Alice continued the shake and grind on Jasper while the rest of the bar was cheering, laughing and clapping. We really did make quite an impression on this bar tonight.

_And I saddled up my horse  
and I ride into the city  
I make a lot of noise  
Cause the girls  
They are so pretty  
Riding up and down Broadway  
on my old stud Leroy  
And the girls say  
Save a horse, ride a cowboy.  
Everybody says  
Save a horse, Ride a cowboy_

What? What?  
Save A Horse Ride a Cowboy  
Everybody says  
Save a Horse Ride a cowboy.

As the song ended Jasper grabbed Alice and planted a kiss on her lips that made even me blush. The crowd erupted in cheers and when they pulled apart Alice had the dopiest grin on her face.

"Thanks y'all. Have a good night," Jasper said, again with his southern drawl and I swear I saw a few girls swoon.

As they made their way back to the table Emmett high fived Jasper and said, "That's what I'm talking about Bo."

"You know it Luke," Jasper said as he high fived Emmet back.

"Bo, Luke? What the hell are you two fruit cakes talking about?" Rose asked, as she rolled her eyes. Emmet was clearly drunk as he looked back at me cross-eyed.

"Bo and Luke Duke? Dukes of Hazzard?" Emmett said back as if I should automatically know what kind of nonsense he was talking about.

"I know who they are dumbass. What I don't get is why you two are referring to yourselves as that?"

"Jasper's car doors are broken right now, so the only way you can get in or out of his car in through the window. So on the way here these two asshats decided it would be cool to christen themselves the Dukes of Hazzard," Alice said, trying to stifle a laugh.

I am not sure if it was the alcohol or everything that had transpired earlier in the evening but I started to laugh hysterically. I was actually gasping for air as I was laughing while everyone looked on as if I had finally lost my mind.

"Bella, it's not that funny. Jesus are you high or something?" Rose asked, laughing with me.

After a few more minutes of laughter I finally managed to compose myself.

"Okay, is everyone ready to go?" Rose finally asked, as she stood up and grabbed Emmett.

"But Rosie, I haven't had my turn yet. I had a good song this time," Emmett said as he pouted and then tripped.

"I think you've had enough fun tonight Luke Douche," I said, with another laugh.

"What did you say Bella?" Emmett asked, looking offended.

I was about to have another one of my laughing fits, "I called you Luke Douche."

"What does that make you, Daisy Douche?" Alice asked, starting right back up again laughing with me.

I stopped for a second trying to come back with something to say and then I couldn't contain the sudden burst of laughter that escaped my mouth as I said, "Sure, but that makes you Cooter!"

And with that the whole group was laughing hysterically, even Jacob, even though I was sure he didn't know if we were all just a bunch of drunk imbeciles or if we were all just crazy.

As we walked out towards our cars, or as Jasper put it "The General Lee", I couldn't help but feel sad that Edward wasn't here. He would've had as much fun as I was making fun of the Douches of Hazzard over there.

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Okay, so there it was. Let me know what you think. What the hell is Tanya doing back? And is anyone else as annoyed with Alice as I am? And did anyone else get a little excited over Jasper? I do love a cowboy!

I am wrestling with the idea of doing the next chapter from EPOV, but he may not quite be ready to talk yet. Also, I posted an outtake. The story ID is 6178704, so get over there and check it out. It's a little bit lemony. Hope you enjoy it! I will post outtakes over there every so often, so please add it to your favorites so you won't miss out.

Also, there are links to all the songs used in this Chapter and previous ones located on my profile.

Thanks again to everyone who is following me. xoxo


	6. Hard Days

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. However, I do own this story. Please do not plagiarize or duplicate without my consent.

Okay, so here is Edward's point of view. It gives you a little more insight into what is going through Edward's head. Unfortunately, it is probably going to create more questions rather than answering them. PLEASE let me know what you think. I have so many wonderful readers adding me to their faves and alerts, but so very few reviews. It only takes a second to tell me if you love it or hate, so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE click that review button. For those of you that do, I will send you a teaser from the next chapter. Also, there are links to pictures and songs on my profile. Enjoy!

Chapter Song: Anxiety by Black Eyes Peas

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Chapter 6 ~ Hard Days

I walked into my apartment after a long ass shift at the restaurant. _Damn I am exhausted._ I walked to the fridge and grabbed a beer. I flopped down on the couch and felt like I had been run over by a train.

People think when you own your own business that it is a piece of cake. You can make your own hours and come into work whenever you feel like it. And while that is true, if you want said business to succeed you end up working a hell of a lot harder for yourself than you do for some cock sucking chef whose ego is bigger than his talent.

I love the restaurant business. It is all I have ever known. I started out waiting tables. At the time, it was just a job to help pay the bills while I was in school. I was like most college kids. I had no fucking idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was just going through the motions. I hated wasting my parents money on an education I wasn't sure I'd ever use. After a while, the owner of the restaurant where I worked asked me to become a manager. It paid better and gave me the opportunity to learn more about how to run a restaurant. I eventually changed my major to Business in hopes of one day opening my own place. I learned how to cook from one of the best chefs in the country and learned everything else I needed to know as I helped turn a mom and pop shop into a five star restaurant. Said chef then started to cop a fucking attitude, acting like he was the only reason for the success of the restaurant. Chefs can be such prima donna bitches when they get cocky. I was fucking miserable.

Bella wanted me to open my own place. She even went to my parents to convince them to give me the start up money. She didn't know until she got there that my parents had already offered, on more than one occasion. My dad, Carlisle, the renowned heart surgeon and my mom, Esme, one of the top interior designers in the city had more money than they could ever hope to spend in their lifetime. They never hesitated to provide for me in any way they could. But I never felt completely comfortable taking their money._ I have my reasons._

I tried telling Bella to back off, but she is just so fucking persistent. Trying to get Bella to forget about something she has her mind set on is like trying to take a piss while standing in a tornado. Messy and pointless. I couldn't be mad at her though. It felt good to have someone believe in me.

After she left I nearly lost my mind. Jasper and Alice did their best to be there for me, but eventually I had to let them move on with their lives. I mean, how many newlyweds want someone sleeping in their guest room every fucking night? So, when my grandfather died and left me a shit load of money I finally decided to put my focus into something I could be proud of for once.

When opening night came I had to admit, I was hurt that Bella didn't come. No matter what happened between us I guess I always thought she'd support me. I told Alice to invite her, but she didn't show. That was when I finally realized she had moved on. No one was looking out for me anymore. _Fuck them. I can do it on my own._ And I have. Until now.

I don't know what to expect now that Bella is back in my life, if that is what she is. Maybe I should try calling her. I haven't spoken to her since the night we went to the movies. She looked so sad as she walked up the steps to her apartment building carrying those fucking daisies Jake dropped.

First of all, daisies? Bella is not a daisy girl, she loves sunflowers. She used to say she liked them because no matter where you plant them, they always turn to face the sun. She said they reminded her that sometimes it is up to you to seek your own sunshine and not to rely on others to provide it for you. _Sounds like a fucking greeting card to someone like me. The sun stopped shining in my world a long time ago. _But still, it sounded sweet coming from her.

Second of all, what kind of an asshole walks away from Bella? _Yeah, yeah, don't fucking remind me._ I don't know what is going on between them, but regardless, he could've at least given her the opportunity to explain. I may have walked away, but I always gave her the opportunity to explain. _Oh, and he should've at least punched my ass in the jaw. That's what I would've done anyway. But maybe that's just me._

I felt so bad. If I hadn't asked her out then Jake never would've seen us together. I tried to apologize to Bella, but she told me it wasn't my fault. _As usual._

As I sat on the couch I felt my eyelids getting heavier and heavier. The next thing I knew I was woken by my cell phone ringing on the coffee table. I looked at the caller ID and saw that it was Emmett calling.

"Hello," I said groggily as I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I glanced over at the clock and saw that it was ten in the morning. I had to be at the restaurant in an hour. _Fuck, I slept the whole god damned day away._

"Ed, how's it hanging, dude? Left and low or right and tight?" Emmett asked, laughing on the other end of the receiver. _Jesus, he such a dumbass._

"What the fuck do you want douche bag"

"What's with the attitude, Eddie?" I cringed at the use of that nickname. No body ever called me that unless they were trying to give me shit.

"Sorry, long night at the restaurant. I am exhausted but have to go in for a little bit today too. I need a fucking night off, ya know?"

"Well today is your fucking day, pretty boy, because we are going out tonight. Do you want me and Jazz to pick you up?"

"What's the plan? Where are you going?" I didn't feel like going to some dumbass club tonight. The girls in this town are getting desperate and they act like fucking starving hyenas when they see a group of guys out without women in tow.

"The Blue Room is having karaoke night. The girls wanted to go out for a little bit."

_Oh._ "By girls you mean…"

"Dumbass, by girls I mean my fucking wife and Alice, Jasper's wife. What is wrong with you today?"

"Fuck you Emmett, I know you meant Rose and Alice, I meant…is Bella going?"

"Oh sorry, I didn't think about that. Probably. I mean Rose mentioned asking her to come, so I am sure she will. But you should come anyway. You guys did okay at Jasper's party and didn't you go to a movie the other night?"

I had told Emmett, in secret, that Bella and I were going out to a movie. I knew he wouldn't tell Rose, unlike Jasper who is so god damned pussy whipped by Alice he tells her everything. I didn't know if Bella had told the girls we were going out, but I didn't want to throw her under the bus if she hadn't. I know Alice doesn't want us to have anything to do with each other. She has her reasons. _And she is right._

"Come man, you haven't hung out with us in so long. Not since you and Tanya started going out. Now that you dropped that bitch, come on!" Emmett whined into the phone.

He was right.

"Sure. I'll be there. I will have to meet you guys there though. I have to work the lunch shift at the restaurant and make sure the night staff is prepped for the evening rush."

I debated calling Bella and making sure it was okay with her, but just decided to just see her there. She had already agreed to us trying to be friends, so hopefully she wouldn't mind my being there.

When I got to The Blue Room, it was packed. This place has been around forever and it is a favorite bar around town. _Jesus, am I getting older or are the girls getting younger?_ I pushed my way through the crowd while I looked around for an open table. I forgot how popular karaoke night is at this place. I have to admit, it is pretty fucking awesome that they get a live band to play the music rather than that pre-recorded shit. It gives the local college bands a place to practice and get recognition. I used to play here every once in a while during college before everything got so damned complicated.

I didn't immediately see Jasper or Emmett so I decided to head to the bar to grab a drink.

"Jack and Coke," I told the bartender who I didn't recognize. _Jesus, I guess it really has been a long time since I have been out._ I used to know every single person that worked here.

I grabbed my drink and noticed Jasper and Emmett sitting in the corner booth. I was trying to catch their eye so they would know I was there when I ran smack into to someone. _Fuck_. I instinctively reached out to catch the person and I suddenly noticed it was Bella. _Holy fuck, she looks amazing._ _But why is she wearing those fucking heels? Alice._

As she regained her balance I vaguely recognized that she was me asking me something but I was too busy admiring the view to hear her. Finally, Alice's annoying high-pitched voice shook me out of my thoughts.

"Edward, what are you doing here? I thought you had to open the restaurant early in the morning?" Even without taking my eyes off of Bella, the silent conversation that took place between Alice and Jasper did not go unnoticed by me. _What the fuck do you have up your sleeve, Alley Cat?_

"Well Alice, since I own the damn restaurant I think my boss will forgive me if I am a few minutes late. When Emmett called and said you were all going out for karaoke, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to relive some good times and watch Dumb and Dumber over there make asses of themselves," I said, still not taking my eyes off of Bella. _Jesus, she looks incredible. _I looked around the bar and saw that she had the attention of half the bar. _Mine. _Not anymore.

The girls made their way over to the table while I went to buy a round of drinks for everyone. I wasn't too thrilled with the idea of Bella drinking while wearing those damn fuck me heels, but who am I to argue with her. It's not my responsibility to take care of her anymore. _Yeah, because I did such a fan-fucking-tastic job of that when we were together._

I was more than shocked when Bella announced that she wanted to sing tonight. Bella has a beautiful voice, I always loved to hear her sing in the shower in the mornings, but she hates the attention. _She must be drunker than I thought._

I silently watched as Alice tried to get Bella to go the bathroom with her. She didn't want to give us anymore time together than necessary. She clearly didn't want me here in the first place. _Like I said, she has her reasons_. Once the girls were gone we both just kind of sat there and the silence was killing me.

"Alice is a little more annoying than usual tonight, huh?" I asked, desperately trying to find something to end the awkwardness.

"Tell me about it, I don't know what her problem is,' Bella said, rolling her eyes. Alice and Bella love each other like sisters, but Alice tends to be a little over zealous sometimes.

"Did I tell you how beautiful you look tonight Bella?" And she did. How ironic that Alice would dress her up in that color. It has always been my favorite on her.

"Thanks Edward. Sorry for almost knocking you off your feet earlier. I should've known better than to let Alice dress me tonight," she said, as that familiar blush rose to her cheeks. _God I've missed that._

"No worries, it's not the first time you've knocked me off my feet."

There was another long, awkward pause and I felt the need to apologize once more.

"Bella, I just want to apologize again for the other night. I honestly didn't mean to mess things up with you and Jake-"

"Jesus Edward, don't you ever get tired of taking the blame for everyone else's mistakes? Besides, not everything has to do with you, you know? I had the opportunity to tell Jake when we went out, but I didn't. It is my mistake and I am the one who has to deal with the consequences"

_Where the fuck did that come from? _I don't always take the blame for everyone's mistakes. _Yes you do._ Okay, maybe I do. But usually that is because I am to blame.

"Bella, I...I just meant-"

Before I could finish the very eloquent speech I had just started, _stammering asshole_, she was up and out of her seat.

"Save it Edward, I'm up."

As she walked away I was left alone at the table, trying to process what had just happened. I was busy studying Bella up on stage when I felt someone slide into the booth.

"Tanya, you really shouldn't be here right now," I said, as I tried to stay focused on Bella. She was biting her lip and I could tell her nerves were starting to get the best of her. She was looking around, trying to find familiar faces

"I got your text. What can I do for you, Eddie?" Tanya whispered in my ear seductively.

"Not tonight Tanya. I'll call you, okay," I said, as I glanced back towards Bella. I could only hope she didn't see me talking Tanya. _I know what you are thinking. Just shut the fuck up and mind your own business._

"Who are you here with anyway?" I asked, looking around for Heidi. Those two were practically inseparable.

"Just the usual group, no one in particular."

"Okay, well, I'll catch you later," I said, without looking at her. I was hoping she'd take the hint and leave.

When I looked back up towards the stage, Bella was approaching the microphone with a renewed sense of courage. She looked amazing up there. I was so proud of her.

When the music started up she suddenly had the attention of the entire bar and for once it didn't look like she cared. In fact, I'd say she was downright enjoying it. I didn't recognize the music right away, but then again Bella and I don't always have the same taste in music. And then she sang.

_You're running me ragged  
And I don't do the things I should  
And if the devil made a fire  
You'd be the wood_

The confidence that was radiating off her was mesmerizing and the crowd was eating it up. She locked eyes with me as she sang the next verse and I smiled at her. _God she is fucking sexy as hell._

_But I just got one question  
Answer me if you could  
How can so much trouble  
Look so god damn good?_

As she sang the rest of the song, I knew the point she was trying to make. And she was right, I knew exactly what I was missing out on, but unfortunately there isn't a fucking thing I can do about it. Suddenly I had a new resolve. I hadn't planned on singing tonight, it has been so long since I even stepped foot on a stage, but I decided if Bella and I couldn't get our points across by talking, maybe singing was the best option.

"Emmett, you have to let me go in your place," I said, as I walked towards him and Jasper. _What the fuck is with the lighters? Jesus, my friends are tools._

"What? Fuck no! I need to break it down Emmett style tonight,"

"Fuck you, Emmett. No one wants to hear you sing Kid Rock, leave the cowboy shit to Jazz," I said, as I pushed past him towards the stage.

"He's got a point, bro. You're more like the bull than the cowboy!" Jasper chuckled.

"Ouch, fucker!" Jasper said, as he rubbed his arm after Emmett punched him.

I walked up to the DJ and told him the song I wanted to sing. He didn't even bother announcing my name, well Emmett's name, since I was already up there. I got up on stage and looked out into the crowd.

Everyone was back at our table, talking and laughing, except Bella. She looked so sad and confused. I couldn't imagine what she had to be sad about; she should feel so proud of what she just did. _Fucking incredible._ I looked around, trying to gather my own courage, and saw Tanya in the background talking to Felix. I didn't see Heidi anywhere, but I had no doubt she was around somewhere.

I braced myself and opened my mouth. I could only hope that Bella would understand what I was trying to say as I sang this song. Right now she wasn't even looking my direction.

_The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight  
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time  
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts  
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out_

_I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
With a broken heart that's still beating  
In the pain, there is healing  
In your name I find meaning_

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head  
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead  
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes  
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

Bella was staring right at me with a look I would know anywhere. A look I have missed. A look that no one else gives me. How is it the one person I try so desperately to keep from seeing inside my soul sees nothing but?

_I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
With a broken heart that's still beating  
In the pain (in the pain), there is healing  
In your name (in your name) I find meaning_

In this moment, she is the only person in the room. Bella. As I finish the song and look back to where she was standing, she is gone. I panicked. Was I wrong to try to reach out to her? I am starting to lose my grip on what is left of my sanity, _which isn't fucking much, w_hen I see her, like a shooting star across the sky. Maybe this was my chance. Our chance.

Just when I am about to step down off the stage and meet her halfway my view of her is cut off by someone else. _Is that? Fucking Jake. Mine._ No, that's not what she wants. I can't get in the way again. This is _her _chance. _Their_ chance.

I walked off the stage and towards the door before I could change my mind and do what I really wanted to do.

"Edward, we are going back to Jasper's after he gays it up on stage and sings some shit country song. Wanna come?" Emmett asked, as he laughed at Jasper.

I saw Alice look at me expectantly. _I get it Alice._

"No, I have to be at work early in the morning," I said as I continued to make my way out the door without a second glance at my friends or Bella. _Happy now Alice? I know it's what I wanted, doesn't make it any fucking easier._

I walked into my apartment, slamming the front door.

"FUCK," I yelled, at no one in particular as I threw my keys across the room.

I walked through the living room making my way to the kitchen. I grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniels out of the kitchen cabinet and headed back towards the couch. I noticed the light blinking on my answering machine, so after taking a long, _and I mean motherfucking long_, sip of Jack I pressed the play button.

"_Edward, this is Dad. I hope you are doing well. I know the next few days are going to be hard for you. Please call if you need anything. We love you."_ I could hear whispering in the background of the call. _"And call your mother more often, she misses your voice. Bye."_

My father's words "_the next few days are going to be hard_" echoed in my head. Isn't every fucking day hard? Sure, not as hard as others, but it's still all the same shit, just a different day. I took another long sip and took pleasure in the burn as it went down my throat. _At least I can still feel that. _Half the bottle was gone before I was finally able to close my eyes. I felt myself slowly drift into the darkness and let it consume me. Thankful for the peace it brought.

"_I'm leaving Edward. I can't live like this anymore," she said, as she made her way out of the bedroom. I chased after her, grabbing her arm and pulling her around to face me as she stood at the top of the stairs._

"_You will leave when I fucking say you leave, bitch. You are mine," I said, through clenched teeth. I could feel the anger radiating off my body. _

"_Edward, let me go. You are hurting me," she said, trying to twist her arm from my grip, only causing me to tighten my hold._

"_Why are you the only one who gets to do the hurting? You think you can leave me? Well, I don't fucking think so. I'm done with you when I say I'm done," I said, as I pulled her towards me._

"_Edward, LET ME GO!" She screamed, as she wrenched her arm from my grasp, losing her footing and falling backwards. I reached out to catch her but her fingers slipped through mine. I watched in slow motion as she fell down the stairs. Her head hitting every step on the way down and I flinched as she landed with a sickening thud at the bottom. I heard a scream, but I couldn't make out where it came from or who it was. The only thing I saw was the blood pouring out of her head, surrounding her body in a thick, red puddle. _

_I heard another scream, a different scream this time and then heard the sirens._

"NOOOO!" I woke up with a jolt, screaming and covered in sweat. Yeah, the next few days were going to be motherfucking hard alright.

I suddenly knew what I had to do. The only person that could help make this right.

"Hello, Tanya?"

Chapter Song: Anxiety by Black Eyed Peas

I feel like I wanna smack somebody  
Turn around and bitch slap somebody  
But I ain't goin' out bro (no, no, no)  
I ain't givin' into it (no, no, no)  
Anxieties bash my mind in  
Terrorizing my soul like Bin Laden  
But I ain't fallin' down bro (no, no, no)  
I won't lose control bro (no, no, no)

Shackled and chained  
My soul feels stained  
I can't explain got an inch on my brain  
Lately my whole aim is to maintain  
And regain control of my mainframe  
My bloods boiling its beatin' out propane  
My train of thoughts more like a runaway train  
I'm in a fast car drivin' in a fast lane  
In the rain and I'm might just hydroplane

I don't fear none of my enemies  
And I don't fear bullets from Uzi's  
I've been dealing with something that's worse than these  
That'll make you fall to your knees

And that's the anxiety

The sane and the insane rivalry  
Paranoia's brought me to my knees  
Lord please please please  
Take away my anxiety  
The sane and the insane rivalry  
Paranoia's brought me to my knees  
Lord please please please  
Take away my anxiety

My head keeps running away my brother  
The only thing making me stay my brother  
But I won't give into it bro (no, no, no)  
Gotta get myself back now  
God, I can't let my mind be  
Tell my enemy is my own  
Gots to find my inner wealth  
Gots to hold up my thoughts  
I can't get caught (no, no, no)  
I can't give into it now (no, no, no)

Emotions are trapped set on lock  
Got my brain stuck goin' through the motions  
Only I know what's up  
I'm filled up with pain  
Tryin' to gain my sanity  
Everywhere I turn its a dead end in front of me  
With nowhere to go gotta shake this anxiety  
Got me feelin' strange paranoia took over me  
And its weighin' me down  
And I can't run any longer, yo  
Knees to the ground

I don't fear none of my enemies  
And I don't fear bullets from Uzi's  
I've been dealing with something that's worse than these  
That'll make you fall to your knees

And that's the anxiety

The sane and the insane rivalry  
Paranoia's brought me to my knees  
Lord please please please  
Take away my anxiety  
The sane and the insane rivalry  
Paranoia's brought me to my knees  
Lord please please please  
Take away my anxiety

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Okay, so what do you think? What is Alice's problem with Edward? And why is Tanya still hanging around? Any theories on the dream Edward had? Please leave me some love and let me know your thoughts. I am at 10 reviews, please help me get to 15! Don't forget-for those that leave a review, I have a teaser from the next chapter for you! Okay, so I have begged and bribed enough. Mwah! xoxo Dana


	7. Choices

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. However, I do own this story. Please do not plagiarize or duplicate without my consent.

First of all, thanks again to everyone who is following me and for the reviews. It makes me so happy that you are all enjoying my story. I currently have 12 reviews. Let's see if I can break 20, come on peeps, do it for Edward! LOL Ok, so I hope you enjoy the next chapter.

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**Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives. – Richard Bach**

**Chapter 7 ~ Choices**

I walked into my apartment Saturday morning hung over and exhausted from the night before. However, it was worth it to be able to see Jake, Emmett and Jasper dance around the house singing House of Pain's "Jump Around". Let me just say, there is nothing graceful about three grown men, extremely large grown men I might add, jumping around the house, like Jack Russell terrier's on speed.

"_I'll serve your ass like John MacEnroe, if your girl steps up, I'm smacking the ho, word to your moms, I came to drop bombs, I got more rhymes than the bible's got psalms," Jake sang._

_Alice, Rose and I could do nothing but watch while laughing hysterically. _

"_And just like the prodigal son I've returned, anyone stepping to me you'll get burned, cause I got lyrics but you ain't got none, if you come to battle bring a shotgun," Jasper continued._

"_But if you do you're a fool, cause I duel to the death, try and step to me you'll take your last breath, I gots the skill, come get your fill, cause when I shoot ta give, I shoot to kill," as Emmett finished the last verse they grabbed us off the couch and we were all jumping around the house._

However, the party came to a rather abrupt end when Alice suddenly stopped dancing and threw up all over Jasper. It was so gross and so funny. After that everyone said their goodbyes and left for the night. I decided to crash at Alice's, _yes again¸_ rather than calling a cab. Fortunately I was able to stay away from Alice's guest room and the creepy bed.

I stood in the middle of the living room sorting the mail when I saw my answering machine blinking. Three messages. _Who are these people and why don't they call my cell?_ I hit the play button while I flipped through my new US Magazine. That sexy ass vampire was on the cover again. _He can bite me any day!_

"_Bella, it's your Dad. Call me when you get a chance." _Beep.

"_Bella, it's your father. You need to return my call young lady." _Beep.

Jesus, Dad, call my cell phone for Christ's sake!

"_Isabella, I am not going to call your cell phone. You know I hate talking on those insufferable contraptions. Only hookers and drug dealers use those things. Call your father."_ Beep.

_Hookers and drug dealers? Really Dad?_ He said the same thing to me in high school when I wanted a pager. I understood what he meant back then; I mean it wasn't quite as common for teenagers to have pagers. But for love of all that is holy, this is the twenty-first century! _Everyone_ has cell phones. _Even hookers and drug dealers._

I sighed as I walked towards the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. Things were never easy with my dad, Charlie. That was partly because growing up we were never close. I saw him some weekends and most major holidays, but mainly I was raised by my mother, Renee. _And I use the term "raised" loosely._ It was more like I raised her. I watched my mom make bad decision after bad decision and supported her through it all.

When I was sixteen my mom met and married Phil. I wasn't sure if this was going to turn out to be another one of those bad decisions. He seemed like a nice enough guy, but he was considerably younger than her. Suddenly she was trying to relive her missed youth. The youth she missed because she got pregnant right out of high school by my father.

So, when she came to me and said we were moving to Canada so Phil could play for the Canadian Football League, I decided to cut my losses and go live with my father. My dad is a wonderful father; he is just a little…intense. As the Chief of Police he has seen a lot of scary things in his career and I suppose that just makes him a little more protective of me than he needs to be. Plus, he definitely has preconceived notions about what his daughter would and would not do with her life.

For example, when I told him I was going to live in the dorms rather than live at home while I went to college he was not happy.

"_Bella, college is important to your future. You don't need outside influences distracting you from your studies."_ What he really meant was that he didn't want some random guy to get his baby girl knocked up. _Uh hello pot, I'd like you to meet the kettle. You are both black!_

My mom was no better, really. It was just different shit she tried to impress upon me.

"_Bella honey, I don't like that you are getting so serious with this boy, Edmund, is it?" She asked, when I told her I wasn't coming to see her and Phil for Christmas because Edward had invited me to Christmas at his parents' house._

"_Edward, mom, for the millionth time, its Edward. And there is nothing to worry about. I know what I am getting myself into," I said. _

I loved my family, but we definitely did not always see eye to eye on things. The biggest battle of all came right after I graduated from college.

"_Isabella Marie Swan, this is very irresponsible. Do you think job offers grow on trees?" My dad asked after I told him I was turning down the offer from Aro Publishing. Why do parents always ask their kids if they think things like money or jobs grow on trees?_

"_Dad, I don't want to move so far away. I am sure I will be able to find a job here working for a smaller company. I don't see what the big deal is?"_

"_I am not stupid, Bella. I know damn well that the reason you aren't taking this job is because of that boy." He practically spit the word "boy", like it was something that tasted bad in his mouth. In reality I was staying because of Edward, but I also knew I didn't want to live in a big city. It is just not my style._

He had every reason to dislike "_that boy"_. It was common knowledge around the station that mine and Edward's relationship was tumultuous at best. It didn't help matters that on more than one occasion some of my dad's best deputies were called to our apartment for "domestic disturbances". _Try explaining that to your dad, the chief of police._

My mom's reaction to my decision was no better.

"_Bella, I just don't think it is a good idea for you to be making important decisions based on some guy," My mom said, after I broke the news to her._

"_First of all, Edward is not _some _guy. We have been together for four years and you aren't exactly one to talk mom. Tell me again why you are living in fucking Canada?" I said, trying to control my temper, but not really succeeding._

"_Don't take that tone with me, young lady. Phil and I are married, it is not the same situation. You can't really think you are going to marry that boy?"_

"_Why does everyone insist on referring to him as "that boy"? You. Dad. He has a name god damnit and it's Edward!" I said, and slammed the phone down._

For most of my adult life I have had someone questioning my decisions. How many times does that have to happen before you quit trusting in yourself entirely?

From the other side of the room I heard my cell phone buzzing in my purse. I got up to answer it and hit delete on my answering machine. I rolled my eyes when I saw the name on my caller ID. _Alice._ I love Alice, truly, but she has been getting on my last fucking nerve lately. She has never made it a secret her opinion on mine and Edward's relationship, but lately she has been a little more intrusive than usual. I can't quite figure it out.

"Hello," I said, as I answered the phone. No sense in ignoring her, she is relentless.

"Hey Bella. What are you up to today, wanna hang out?" She asked, sounding guilty. She knew I was still mad at her for meddling with Jake.

I sighed. "I have some laundry to do and I definitely need to go grocery shopping," I said, as I looked in the refrigerator and pantry. "Want to come over and watch a movie or something? We can order a pizza."

"Yes!"

Alice arrived a little while later with the movie The Hangover, ironic much, two bottles of wine and a bag of Twizzlers.

"A little hair of the dog never hurt anyone, Bella," she said, as I cautiously eyed the two very large bottles of wine she was carrying. She was definitely going above and beyond. _Guilt is a motherfucker folks._

We settled down with a large pepperoni and jalapeño pizza and two glasses of wine. We watched the movie in a comfortable silence and I enjoyed watching Bradley Cooper. Cause let's face it folks, he is fuck hot. _Damn._

"Oh my gosh, I can't believe I threw up on Jasper," Alice said, after watching Stu throw up in the movie. _Gross._

"That was some funny shit. What the hell were you drinking all night to make you throw up red?"

"Hell if I know, Bella. Jasper was feeding me drinks all damn night. Guess he got what was coming to him, huh?" She laughed. _Did she just snort?_

"You never cease to pull some silly shit when you get drunk," I said, remembering some of our wilder days in college.

"Remember that time we got so drunk when you were helping me dog sit for some friends of my dad's and we passed out."

"Oh that's right! And they lived in some fancy ass neighborhood where you had to be buzzed in through the main gate. Jasper and Edward were buzzing us over and over and we weren't answering," Alice recalled, barely able to finish the story because she was laughing so hard.

"They finally jumped the gate and were pounding on the door. How did they get in anyway, everything it pretty fuzzy for me at that point," I said, my laughing slowing down.

"I woke up and let them in. You were out cold. I almost pissed my pants watching Jasper and Edward trying to carry you upstairs. It was like watching one of those nature groups trying to rescue a beached whale."

We were laughing uncontrollably at that point. A few minutes later our laughter died down.

"I remember the next morning walking past the room you two were sleeping in and you were passed out across Edward's chest and he was sitting up, leaning against the head board. He looked like he hadn't slept all night. When I asked him about it he said he stayed up all night to make sure you didn't stop breathing. He was really worried about you."

"I didn't know that. I wonder why he never told me."

Alice wasn't laughing now. Instead she looked sad and a little confused.

"Alice, what happened between you and Edward? I know you always worried about us, but you guys used to be really good friends. Lately it is like you don't want to be anywhere near him."

Alice looked thoughtful for a moment, like she was trying to plan her words carefully.

"Bella, it isn't that I don't want to be around him. I have nothing against him personally. I just think you two need to stay away from each other. Don't you even remember what happened that last night you were together?"

Of course I remembered that night. It would forever be etched in my brain.

"_What the fuck Edward? I have to hear from Mike fucking Newton that you are banging Tanya? I thought we were done with this shit?" I was packing as much as I could in my suitcase, trying to get the hell away from him and his lies._

_I had gone out with Alice and Rose to celebrate Alice's engagement. We ran into Mike and he didn't waste any time filling me in on Edward and Tanya. I should have just left the bar then, but four shots and three drinks later I had Rose drop me off at home so I could "deal with this shit once and for all"._

"_Bella, Mike Newton is a god damned liar. I am not fucking Tanya. I told you I would stay away from her and I have. You have to believe me this time."_

_I continued throwing what I could get my hands on into my suitcase._

"_Believe you? Why should I? Your track record isn't exactly fucking clean Edward. Fuck you, I am leaving. I don't want to live like this anymore."_

"_Live like what, Bella? You aren't exactly Mother fucking Teresa. That cock sucker was probably just trying to get in your pants…again!"_

_He had to bring that shit up. Did he really want to start keeping a tally?_

"_Fuck you Edward. I am sick and tired of living like I am second best to whatever whore you decide to fuck this week. Why don't you call that dial-a-skank Tanya because I am done?" I said, as I headed towards the door. Same shit, just another day. _

_At this point we were screaming at each other in the middle of the street. I was sure the neighbors had called the police, so I started walking towards my car. I was so drunk that I nearly fell flat on my face three times. It didn't help that I was still in the ridiculous heels that Alice dressed me in. Fucking heels. _

"_Bella, I am not letting you leave. Not because of this. I have never denied any of the other times. Why would I lie this time?" He was standing in front of my car, daring me to drive away. I couldn't back up because there was a car parked behind me._

"_Edward move! I will run your lying, cheating ass over!" I could feel myself starting to lose it. I tapped the gas and the car lurched forward. He jumped back a few feet._

"_Do it Bella. End this fucking shit now then!" _

_I tapped the gas one more time just to prove my point but my heel got stuck in the floor mat. Before I had time to hit the brake the car had knocked Edward to the ground._

_I put the car in park and ran out to check on him._

"_Fuck, Edward. I am so sorry. I didn't mean it. It was an accident, I swear." I could barely make out his face through all my tears. I could hear the sirens in the background. _

"_Bella, baby, it's ok. I know you didn't mean to. Does this mean you won't leave? Please don't leave me."_

_Did this mean I wouldn't leave him? Could I leave him?_

_I looked down at him and he was falling in and out of consciousness. How did we get here? What have we become?_

_Edward ended up with three broken ribs and a mild concussion. The icing on the cake was watching my father walk into the hospital. The look of disappointment on his face made me feel like a dog that had just been caught doing something wrong. _

"_Do you want to press charges?" He asked Edward as he was lying in the hospital bed. I didn't miss the sideways glances my father was giving me as I was holding Edward's hand._

"_No sir. It was just an accident. Bella was on her way to pick up a pizza and her shoe got stuck on the floor mat," Edward said, as he rubbed my hand soothingly with his thumb._

"_Uh huh. Alright Edward. I am not going to pretend like I believe any of that, but I am not going to argue because I sure as hell don't want to see my little girl thrown in jail for doing something I've wanted to do on more than one occasion myself. Like every time I heard her crying herself to sleep when she came running home to me because of something you did to her. But I will say this, it ends tonight."_

_I felt Edward stiffen and take a deep breath. "With all due respect sir, don't you think that is really a choice your daughter should make?" _

"_Don't talk to me about respect, boy? I'll send a deputy in so you can sign some paperwork." And with that my father turned to me, "Bella, I need to speak to you in private. Now." And here comes the rolled up newspaper across my face._

_As we walked out into the hall I braced myself for what I knew what coming. _

"_Bella, if you don't end it with him tonight I will find a way to do it myself. Things are getting out of hand. And as glad as I am that it is him in that hospital bed instead of you, this can't continue. End it or I will." He walked out of the hospital without another word._

I sat in silence as I thought back to that night. I got a shiver up my spine as I thought about how different that night could've ended.

"Bella, don't be mad at me. I know I have been pushy as far as Jake goes. I just want you to have what Jasper and I have. You deserve that kind of happiness," Alice said, trying to break the silence that I am sure she thought was directed at her.

"Edward and I _had_ what you and Jasper have. Somewhere along the way things just took a wrong turn."

Edward and I never intended for things to be this way. Our intentions were good; we tried to make it work over and over. But you know what they say about good intentions? _The road to hell is paved with them._ And if anyone was ever on the road to hell it was us.

"Wouldn't you do anything in your power to hold on to what you and Jasper have if you felt it was threatened? Wouldn't you fight tooth and nail to hold on to a love that like? Because I am pretty sure life doesn't give you a second chance at a love like that."

And saying those words made my heart hurt. Did I give up too easily? Maybe life had given us a second chance and a third chance and we threw it away over and over. Maybe when I walked away that was basically me giving life the finger and saying "Fuck you life, I don't want this. So, shove it up your ass." _If I were life, that shit would piss me off._

"What about Jake, Bella? Don't you like him? You guys seemed to have so much fun the other night." Alice asked, trying to get my mind off Edward.

I thought for a moment. I did have fun with him, but shouldn't I have felt more? "He is a great guy Alice. I'd be stupid not to like him. But I just can't shake the feeling that something is missing. I _want_ to like him, but…"

"But you don't." Alice said with a sigh. It wasn't a question.

"Bella, I can't tell you what to do with your life. I have my opinions, but you know what they say about opinions?"

"They are like assholes. Every one has one, but you don't want to hear them." I said as I laughed at Alice.

"Well, you have been a bit of an asshole lately, but I will forgive you. Sometimes we all have to make our own mistakes though Pixie," I said, as I playfully nudged her arm.

We said our goodbyes and I was alone, again. I suddenly felt so lost. Have you ever been driving somewhere and when you arrive at your destination you don't remember how you got there? You are sure you made a turn here and a stop there. But when you try to remember exactly how you got there it's like it never happened. That was my life.

I kept thinking back to that night. It felt like a series of chain events that happened _to_ me instead of me being the one to make them happen. By the time I truly had time to realize the consequences of my actions it was too late to turn back.

I decided to go for a walk, not really sure where I was going. There was only one person that was on the same ride. Maybe he could answer some questions as to how we ended up here.

I pulled out my cell phone and dialed the one person who I thought might be able to give me some answers. The phone just rang and rang. Finally the voicemail picked up.

"Edward, its Bella. If you are around, give me a call. We need to talk."

Eleven o'clock on a Saturday night. I doubt he is in bed. As I continued to walk, I realized I was only a block away from Edward's restaurant. I suddenly felt nervous as I made my way down the block. I had never been to Edward's restaurant before. In fact, I blatantly went out of my way to avoid it.

I will admit I was a little hurt when he didn't invite me to opening night. I guess I always figured no matter what happened between us he would want my support. Especially in something as monumental as opening his own restaurant.

As I approached the restaurant I noticed the name. _Girasoli._ I obviously don't speak Italian, so I have no idea what that means. I've also never had the opportunity to ask Edward. Maybe I'd get my chance tonight. As I made my way closer I noticed several couples sitting in the window of the dimly lit restaurant. My heart ached at the intimacy they all seemed to share. I missed feeling that with someone.

When I got closer I suddenly felt sick to my stomach at what I saw before me. Edward and Tanya were sitting at one of those tables, having what appeared to be a very private and intense conversation. It was like a watching a terrible car accident take place. I wanted to look away, to run away screaming, but I couldn't move. I was frozen in the spot where I stood.

A cab passed in front of me and honked its horn at a pedestrian that was about to step in front of its path. Edward turned his head towards the window at the sound and locked eyes with me.

I released the breath I hadn't realized I was holding with a whoosh. Almost as if someone had kicked me in the gut. _They had._ I didn't know what else to do, so I turned and I ran.

The only sounds I could hear were that of my sobs as they broke free from my chest and Edward in the distance.

"Bella, stop, I can explain-." _Yeah, like I haven't heard those words before. _

I knew I'd get back to my apartment and Edward would be waiting for me. Then we'll fight and scream, but say none of what we are really feeling or thinking. _It's what we always do._

When I got back to my apartment I expected to see Edward sitting on the steps with flowers in his hand. But there was no Edward, no flowers. As I let myself into the apartment his words repeated themselves over and over in my head like a broken record, "_because she's not you"._

**Chapter Song: Fooling Myself by Grace Potter & The Nocturnals**

Come on, you can talk to me

Come on, I'd ready to receive

Well I can't always read your mind

And your words are all one of a kind

Oh, lately I feel like I'm fooling myself

Either that or I'm fooling everyone else

And lately I feel like a piece of my soul

Is hanging around for everyone to hold

Lately it's hard just to let it all go

But it's going going going right out my door

Come on, try to smile for me

Open up and try to breathe

With your face like a sad china doll

You've been hiding your heart from it all

Lately I feel like I'm fooling myself

Either that or I'm fooling everyone else

Lately I feel like a piece of my soul

Is hanging around for everyone to hold

Lately it's hard just to let it all go

But it's going going going right out my door

* * *

Ok, so there you have it. Just a few things:

1) the comment about only hookers and drug dealers. My Dad really is a police officer and he really did say that to me when I was in high school and wanted a pager. It always made me laugh, so I thought I'd throw that in there.

2) Also, I think it was in the outtake thread where Edward referred to Bella's dad as "The Gun". My high school boyfriend, all my friends in fact, referred to him as that. He really was the epitome of scary cop dad. he made my dating life hell! LOL! I 3 you Daddy! If you haven't checked out the Outtakes please head on over to **Phoenix Rising Outtakes (ID: 6178704)**

3) Dial-a-Skank Tanya is a shout out to **catseye1769** over at The Writer's Coffee Shop (). Thanks for the love!

4) Bella and Alice watch the _movie The Hangover_. If you haven't seen it, watch it...it is HILARIOUS!

5) The chapter songs for this chapter are:

House of Pain- "Jump Around"

Grace Potter & The Nocturnals- "Fooling Myself"

As always, videos and/or lyrics are found on my profile. If you ever have any problems with a link, please let me know so I can fix it.

Ok, Thanks again for reading. Chapter 8 is going to be a doozie since Edward and Bella are finally going to have some shit out.

**PLEASE** leave me some love. I will send a teaser for the next chapter to anyone who leaves me a review, even if it you just say hi! LOL! xoxo Dana


	8. Seeking Sunshine

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. However, I do own this story. Please do not plagiarize or duplicate without my consent.

Well folks, here it is. Bella and Edward finally stop running. Things are by no means fixed and we still have a lot to figure out, but at least they are talking. The next chapter is from EPOV and we get a better glimpse into what is going on with him.

A special thanks to everyone that had followed, alerted and reviewed this story. You guys keep me going. I would love to break 25 reviews this time folks, so PLEASE help me out.

For those of you that take the time to review I will send out a teaser for the next chapter.

Ok, so here it is. ENJOY!

* * *

**Chapter 8 ~ Seeking Sunshine**

I cried myself to sleep after I saw Edward with Tanya. Finally, a little before dawn my tears ran dry. It was then that I was able to think a little more rationally. In truth, I had no right to be upset with him. He can be with whomever he chooses; I gave up any rights to say otherwise the night I walked out of our apartment. So then why did it bother me so damn much to see them together?

I tossed and turned all night. My dreams were filled with visions of Edward and Tanya laughing at me with their arms wrapped around each other. Then my dreams would quickly shift to that of Jake telling me I missed yet another chance at love that life was sending my way.

Sunday didn't go much better. I still hadn't heard from Edward. I wanted so badly to call him, go to him, but hadn't he made his decision?

I went to bed Sunday night feeling so defeated. The dreams continued and when Monday morning finally arrived I woke up with a jolt and covered in sweat. I felt like a zombie as I showered, dressed and made my way into work. Between staying up way too late Friday night and my fitful sleep the past two nights, I was running on fumes.

"Good morning Miss Swan, how was your weekend?" Angela asked brightly, as she followed me into my office with the mail.

I think I may have grunted a response at her, but that was all she was going to get. She quickly looked me over and said, "I'll go make you a cup of coffee, Miss Swan. No offense, but you look terrible."

I couldn't possibly look worse than I feel. But just to be safe I didn't look in a mirror all day. Not that I would have had the time. I had two meetings regarding Charlotte's impending book release. In addition to that, we had signed three new authors. Well, we hadn't signed them yet. I was in meeting after meeting all day with our legal team to get the contracts prepared and sent off for signatures.

By the time I made it back to my office at the end of the day I had a ton of unanswered emails and voicemails. As I was about to pick up my phone to check my messages it rang. _Shit! _Even though I was staring right at the phone it still scared the crap out me.

"Bella Swan."

"_Hello Miss Swan. This is Demetri Anders, from Aro Publishing. How are you this evening?"_ Aro Publishing? As in the company that offered me a job after I graduated? The same company I turned down six years ago?

I paused to collect myself. 'Hello Mr. Anders. How can I help you?"

"_Miss Swan, our company is very impressed with the things you are doing over there at Tanner Publishing. My boss, Aro Volturi, would like to meet with you in person regarding a job opportunity here in Los Angeles"_

"Los Angeles?" Why was that the only thing I heard?

"_I can assure you it would be a very lucrative offer Miss Swan. It would certainly make the move worth your time. I would love to set up a meeting sometime in the next few weeks. We would, of course, cover all your travel expenses." _His tone would lead one to believe that this was a no brainer. And in truth, it was. Why would anyone refuse a position with a major publisher such as Aro Publishing?

Six years and I had come back full circle, faced with the decision to leave or stay. Realistically I knew that this was an incredible opportunity. It is one thing to turn down a position as a glorified gopher fresh out of college. But, to turn down an opportunity of this magnitude would be career suicide. I may never have this chance again.

"Mr. Anders, I appreciate the opportunity. Would it be okay if I got back to you next week? I just need to some time to think this through. I would hate to waste Mr. Volturi's time and money if I didn't feel this was something I could truly consider."

"_Of course. I will look forward to your phone call Miss Swan. And thank you for your time."_

Suddenly, I felt like I was twenty years old again, trying to decide what my next move in life should be. The only difference this time was that I didn't have Edward as a deciding factor. _Or did I?_

The rest of the week went by in a blur. My biggest problem when it comes to making decisions is that I think way too much. I went back and forth all week. _What is the harm in just talking to him? What is the point if you don't want to move? Why don't you want to move? Who said I didn't want to move? _Do you see why I have a hard time making decisions? How do you win an argument against yourself?

It didn't help matters that I still hadn't heard from Edward. Friday rolled around and I finally knew what I needed to do. I had to go talk to Edward. If I was about to move away I couldn't leave things unsaid. No matter how much what might be said could hurt.

I walked slowly and deliberately down the block towards Edward's restaurant. I am not sure if I was scared of the possibility of seeing Edward there with Tanya again or just plain scared of what having this discussion could mean for us?

I knew at this late hour the restaurant would be closed, but I was hoping I would find Edward there. I could see the flickering lights of the candles and the soft lamp light reflected on the wet pavement as I got closer. I looked up at the stars while taking a deep breath. It had been raining all week; tonight was the first clear night we had had in days.

My breath caught in my chest as I saw him. He was sitting at one of the tables, alone. His hands were covering his face and his bronze hair was in disarray. He looked beautiful, but in that moment, he also looked so alone and vulnerable. I couldn't imagine what could make him feel that way. What could he possibly be hurting over? My heart ached for him. I slowly walked towards the window and tapped on the glass.

Startled, his face shot up and he looked at me. I couldn't help but smile at the look on his face. It was as if he was seeing the sun for the first time after being in the dark for an immeasurable amount of time. I wasn't sure why seeing me would cause that reaction, but it made my heart fly none the less.

He quickly came and unlocked the door. I was once again floored by his beauty as he opened the door with that same smile on his face.

"Hey," was all I could squeak out. It seemed like such an insignificant greeting considering what this moment might be for us. The end? The beginning?

"Hey," he said back, seemingly as hesitant I as was.

He motioned for me to come into the restaurant. As I made my way I was taken aback by its beauty. The entire restaurant was decorated with deep chocolates, dark blues and creams. There was a sunflower on each table, as well as a single lit candle. It was breathtaking.

"Edward, I am so proud of you. It is everything you always wanted and it is beautiful," I said, as I continued to glance around the room.

"Yes, it is," was all he said, without taking his eyes off of me. I swallowed hard.

"Why didn't you come after me?" He knew what I meant.

"Bella, I wanted to. I wanted to chase you back to your apartment and force you to believe me, but that's not what I promised you. I told you I wanted to create new memories. We can't make new memories if we repeat our past mistakes. I am trying. Despite what you think you saw the other night, I am trying. So many times in our relationship I never gave you a choice. This had to be your choice."

And he was right.

As I looked around the restaurant I suddenly felt so sad for the time we have missed. So many things have happened to us during our time apart. I was a part of his every memory for seven years and he was a part of mine. And now, I realize I have missed out on so much.

"Why didn't you ask me to come to the opening? No matter what was going on between us at the time I would've have been here to support you," I asked, trying to hide the dejection from my voice.

He took confused. "What do you mean? I did invite you. I told-." Suddenly a look a realization and then frustration crept across his face.

"I...I guess your invitation got lost in the mail. I truly am sorry for that. It would have meant more than you can possibly know if you had come."

I could tell by his expression that he was leaving something out. I sighed.

"Tell me something real, Edward," I blurted out. I was tired of feeling like I was being left in the dark. Everyone thinking they know what is best for me.

"What? I don't understand," he asked, confused. I am sure he was expecting me to question him about Tanya. I was pretty sure I knew the answer to that anyway, but I tried not to think about that.

"You want me to trust you? Well trust is something that is earned. It is not a foregone conclusion. If you want me to trust you, then trust me with something real," I said, as I made my way to one of the tables in the corner.

He followed me cautiously. He sat there quiet and unmoving for what seemed like an eternity.

"Sunflowers," he said, looking at me expectantly.

I just stared back with what I am sure was a completely bewildered expression.

"The name of my restaurant, _Girasoli_, means Sunflowers in Italian," he continued with a smile on his face.

I gasped. Why would he name his restaurant after _my_ favorite flower?

"Edward, why? I don't…" I couldn't finish my sentence.

"Bella, this entire restaurant is my way of always having you with me. I picked this color," he said as he pointed to the dark chocolate brown that covered the walls, "because it reminds me of the color of your eyes."

"I picked this color," he continued as he pointed at the midnight blue glass tiles that accented the floors and counters, "because it reminds me of that dress you wore on our first date."

"I picked this color," he said, as he fingered the cream colored silk curtains that hung throughout the room, "because it reminds me, both in its color and texture, of your skin."

Then he turned around and looked into my eyes. He seemed so raw and exposed. I can't ever remember a time where he seemed so vulnerable.

"And I named it _Girasoli_ because not only is it your favorite flower, but because it reminds me to constantly seek _my_ sunshine," he said, as he made his way back to me and slid into the booth.

I was speechless. I didn't even realize tears were silently cascading down my cheeks until he slowly placed his hands on both sides of my face and gently brushed them away with his thumbs.

"Thank you," was all I could manage to say in response to all that he had just shared. I felt like I should say more, like 'thank you' wasn't enough, but I couldn't find any other words. Instead we just sat there in comfortable silence.

"Aren't you going to ask me about Tanya?" And the spell was broken.

Finally Edward had asked the question I was dreading. The one question I had hoped we could avoid.

"No Edward, I already know the answer to that question."

"You do?" He looked confused.

"_Because she's not you_," I said using his exact words, without meeting his gaze. There really was no point in having this discussion. I had been avoiding it since Jasper's party, it was the entire reason I lied about not remembering it.

"What did you say?" Edward's face reflected a mixture of regret and shock.

"Edward, just forget it. I get it. You have every right to be with anyone you chose, for whatever reason you chose. You owe me nothing, you are off the hook."

He pinched the bridge of his nose. It was a common reaction of his when he was feeling frustrated. I smiled at the seemingly small act. It made him more familiar. I was suddenly realizing how much I missed having him in my life.

"Bella, you told me you didn't remember our fight at the end of the night," he asked, still pinching his nose with his eyes closed.

"You aren't the only one that can lie when it benefits them Edward," I shot back. I didn't mean for that to come out so mean, I guess it was just the hurt of his words making me sound more resentful than had I intended.

"Bella, let me explain, please." I nodded my head at him to continue. _There's no where to run this time._

He took a deep breath, "Bella, before I met you I lived my life a certain way. Everyone in my life was replaceable, forgettable. That's how I liked it and that's how I wanted it. I made sure that there was no one in my life that I would ever miss if they left. And then you came along like a god damned meteor shower streaking across my darkened universe. You turned my world upside down and inside out and I loved it and hated it all at the same time."

"But why? Why would you want to live your life without letting anyone in?"

He took another deep breath before he continued.

"Bella, you don't know me. You think you do, but you don't. I am not a good person. But being with you made me feel like I wanted to be good. That maybe one day I could be good. But every time you, _we_, got too close, I was reminded that I could hurt you. So I'd push you away."

"I…I don't understand." I felt betrayed and confused. How could this man that I gave every part of myself to for seven years stand before me and say I didn't know him.

"Edward, you did hurt me. You don't think the lies and the cheating and the broken promises didn't hurt," I continued, with tears in my eyes.

"That is not what I mean Bella. I hurt you like that because I was trying to push you away so that I could never hurt you in the way I fear the most," he whispered, the words were barely audible.

"I could only hope that one day I would push you far enough away that you would never come back because I am not strong enough to stay away from you.'

"Was that you wanted all along? For me to go away? You unimaginable coward! Instead of being a man, and simply admitting to me that you didn't want me, you made me miserable in hopes that _I_ would leave _you?_ Well today is your lucky god damned day because you are going to get your wish twice," I said, as I pushed past him and out of the booth.

I got up and started walking to the door.

"Bella, I'll always want you, even though I can't have you," he said, choking back tears.

I turned around to face him. There was so much pain behind his eyes. Pain that I had never seen before. In that moment I was sure that I wasn't the one that put that pain on his face. I wanted so badly to know what could make him feel that kind of sorrow.

I also wanted to know what any of this had to do with his comment to me at Jasper's party. I decided to address the lesser of two evils…for now.

"None of this explains what you meant at the party."

"Yes it does Bella. Don't you see? It is easy to be with someone like Tanya because I don't love her. Never have, never will. Nothing she can say or do will ever hurt me and I don't care enough to fight for her. She can come or go; I can take her or leave her. But not you. I feel possessive of you and for someone like me that is not a good thing."

My mind was racing, trying to figure out what Edward was talking about. I am not sure how many moments went by before Edward finally broke the silence.

"But Bella, you have to believe me. Nothing is going on between Tanya and me."

"Why does it matter if I believe you?" I asked defiantly.

"It just does."

I looked up at the ceiling and sighed.

"Then why were you with her the other night?" He looked like he was at war with himself over something.

"I know I have no right to ask this of you, but can you please just trust me?" His eyes were pleading and filled with more sincerity than I had ever thought possible.

"I want to Edward, but you are going to have to give me a little more to go on here," I said, shaking my head.

Again he pinched the bridge of his nose, "Her father is doing me a favor. Please don't make me explain anymore. I want to tell you more, but right now I just can't. You said trust has to be earned, give me the chance to earn it, please."

"Okay. I'll give you the chance, _this_ time" _I mean, how many times can you give life the finger before she starts to give it back, right?_

"Don't do something to make it be the _last_ time."

He silently nodded and breathed a sigh of relief.

I glanced at my watch, "I guess I should get going. It is getting late."

I started walking towards the door when I felt Edward grab my arm.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"To join the circus. Where do you think I am going? Home."

He rolled his eyes at my sarcasm. "Bella, it is one o'clock in the morning. Do you honestly think I am going to let you walk home alone?"

I eyed him dubiously.

"Protective, not possessive, remember?" He said, reminding me of his words from the other night.

Sensing that he was going to win he smiled my favorite crooked smile. "Listen, are you hungry? Let me cook for you before I walk you home." He looked like a kid at Christmas, so excited to show off his new toy.

I laughed at his enthusiasm. "Sure."

And with that he practically dragged me into the kitchen. The pain that was etched across his face earlier was now replaced with joy and hope. I wasn't sure what put it there but I never wanted it to go away.

**Chapter Song: Good for You by Third Eye Blind**

Hey will you stay awhile  
My smile will not mislead you  
Cause I've been alone  
My faith turned to stone  
Still there's something in you that I believe in

Close to the pierce I go wild and fierce  
Still I let you be, I feel you next to me

Cause inside I feel a wind that starts to blow  
I'm taken in your undertow  
Everything is fine, I'm lonely all the time

Cause all I want to do is be there  
For the things that you're going through  
Well, is it good for you, is it good for you

Cause you haunt my nights when  
I don't know where my life should go  
Well, is it good for you, is it good for you

Hey child please stay a while  
My smile will not mislead you  
Cause I've been without, I go wild with doubt  
I grab at you, I can't stop grabbing at you

Cause I feel you cross my mind  
In disarray, intoxicated ricochet  
There's nothing wrong just don't take too long

Cause all I want to do is be there  
For the things that you're going through  
Well, is it good for you, is it good for you  
Cause you haunt my nights when  
I don't know where my life should go

Well, is it good for you, is it good for you

* * *

Ok, so one more time. PLEASE LEAVE ME SOME LOVIN'! xoxo Dana


	9. In the Darkness

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. However, I do own this story. Please do not plagiarize or duplicate without my consent.

Okay everyone. I know you are getting antsy. The big reveal is just 2 (maybe 3) chapters away, so hang in there. This chapter is from EPOV and while the end of it is a little bit repetitive, you do get a few hints about his "secret" in the beginning. I can't give too much away because you guys are smart and you'll figure it out and what is the fun in that? LOL

Just remember, I never said this would be easy, only worth it! :)

Also, you do get some insight into his feelings and what is going through his mind when he talks to Bella.

As always, check out my profile for chapter songs and lyrics.

And I feel the need to give a shout out once more to **LiveInDakota** and her wonderful, amazing story **Forget Me Not.** She has been a wonderful support system and fan since the beginning. So I would be a bad friend if I didn't give her the same support. Sooo-get your ass over there and read her story. It rocks my face off!

So, here it is. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE leave me some love. Let me know what is going through that pretty little head of yours! **Chapter 9 ~ In the Darkness**

* * *

**(EPOV)**

It was the end of another night. The restaurant had been slammed all night, which is always a good thing. There were only a few remaining tables of diners finishing up their meals. They all looked so happy to be with one another. My chest burned as I thought about how I may never know that again. I turned my attention back to the person sitting at the table with me.

"Will you do it or not Tanya?" I was quickly losing my patience.

I was so bored and frustrated with this conversation between Tanya and me. Getting her to agree to help me wasn't the easiest thing in the world. She was clearly still bitter about the way our relationship ended. _Fuck her._

"Fine Edward. I'll see what I can do. But just remember, you owe me."

I didn't like the sound of that. Suddenly I felt like I was making a deal with the devil. I pulled my fingers through my hair and took a deep breath. I was startled by the sound of a horn outside the restaurant and turned my head to look out the window to see what the commotion was about.

It was then that I saw the most beautiful chocolate brown eyes. _Bella. _The look of betrayal and hurt etched across her face made my heart hurt. I knew what she was seeing and I knew what she was thinking. Without saying another word to Tanya I jumped out of my chair and ran outside to catch her. I had to explain. This did not look good. _No shit._

By the time I made my way outside she was halfway down the street.

"Bella, stop, I can explain-." _Jesus, I sound like a mother fucking broken record._

I watched her until she was out of sight. I knew what I wanted to do more than anything. I wanted to race to her apartment and be there waiting for her when she got there. _Same shit, just a different day._ I realized that wouldn't change what she thought she saw. She deserves the choice to believe me. I had to have faith that she would come to me and we could work this out. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes. Wasn't that what this meeting with Tanya was about?

I slowly made my way back into the restaurant. Tanya was still sitting there with a smirk on her face.

"Still fucking things up with your pretty little Bella, aren't you Eddie?"

I fought the urge to tell her to go fuck herself. I still needed her.

"Not tonight Tanya. Just go home. Thanks for your help. Just call me when you find something out," I said, without even looking at her as I walked back to my office.

I waited at the restaurant, working on some paperwork, in hopes that Bella would return. After a while I realized she wasn't coming so I made my out of the restaurant turning off the lights as I went. On my way out, as I was locking the door, I heard someone approaching behind me.

"Bella?" I asked, as I spun around in hope that she had come back.

It was Heidi.

"Hey, Edward, have you seen Tanya, she mentioned she was coming here to see you tonight?"

She looked like shit. Her face was all red and splotchy like she had been crying.

"No, she has been gone a while. Is everything ok?" I asked. I may have never liked Heidi, but I certainly didn't wish her any harm.

She started to cry. "No. I just found out Felix has been cheating on me. I don't know how long it has been going on or who it is, but I know it is true."

Unfortunately that did not surprise me at all. Felix was a fucking douche bag. Always has been. Of course that might have something to do with the fact that he always used to hit on Bella outside of her English class. I swear I'd watch that fucker try to make a move on her every damn day as I walked to meet her.

It was just like that piece of shit James. When Bella and I first started dating, the three of us had Biology together. The professor had paired them up as lab partners and I had to sit behind the two of them with my dumbass lab partner, Lauren. He thought I couldn't hear the things he was saying to her.

"_Come on Bella, why don't you just leave that fucker and be with a real man," James would whisper._

_I'd watch her cringe as he breathed into her ear. After class Bella would try to calm me down, knowing full well what I wanted to do to him._

"_Bella please let me teach that son of a bitch a lesson. Some one needs to remind him who you belong to, Bella."_

"_First of all, I am not a piece of property. I don't _belong _to anyone. Just keep ignoring him and he'll get the hint," Bella said, while rubbing small circles on my back._

_I fought off every possessive tendency I had towards Bella for the entire fucking semester. At the end of the semester Bella and I went to Sharky's with Alice and Jasper to celebrate the end of the year. James was there too. I saw him watching her the entire time._

_When Bella left to go to the bathroom I watched him follow her. I knew this shit was going to end badly. By the time I made it through the crowd he had her pinned up against the wall with his hand over her mouth while she was trying to fight him off. _

_That fucking shit did not fly. When I reached him I was consumed with a rage I had never experienced. I literally could see nothing in front of me but red. I heard the cracking of bones, I heard the moans and grunts of pain, I heard someone yelling for me to stop, but I couldn't stop. _

_Not until I felt her hands on me. I felt her touch burn right through me. When the rage ended and the veil of red that had obscured my vision lifted, I saw James lying on the ground covered in blood. _

That was when I truly started to realize what I was capable of. It is one thing to think that kind of violence dwells within you, but it is a whole other thing to know it and feel it being unleashed on someone. _Someone who fucking deserved, but still._

Felix was no different than James. I was _thisfuckingclose_ to beating the shit out of him and then he stopped. Not sure what happened to make him wise the fuck up, but I can guaran-damn-tee you that his jaw thanks him. And his nose. And his…well, you get the point.

I didn't think now was the time for an "I told you so" so I simply said, "I am sorry Heidi. Have you tried her cell phone?"

"Yes. She didn't answer. It went straight to voicemail," and then her cell phone started to ring.

"That's Tanya," she said, as she glanced at the caller ID. "Thanks Edward." She started walking down the street and I could hear her cries echoing off the buildings. And I thought of Bella.

I thought of all the times she cried over me. Of all the times she called Alice because of the dumb shit I had put her through. Everything was so screwed up and I didn't know how to fix it.

Sunday, _tick._

Monday, _tick. _

Tuesday, _tick. _

Wednesday, _tick. _

Thursday, _tick._

Each day went by like the ticking of a bomb.

Friday would be the detonation, _boom_.

I woke up Friday feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders and guilt eating at me from the inside out. How did this become my cross to bear every fucking year?

There are only two people, other than my parents, that know what today means to me. I don't know if Bella will ever find out, but I know this- if she ever finds out the two people that _do_ know, things may never be the same again.

_So why don't I tell her, you ask?_ Because I don't fucking want to. I don't want to see that look of pity in her eyes.

I used to disappear when today would roll around. Most people didn't even notice I was gone. But Bella always asked. Eventually I made some lame excuse about how I went on some yearly fishing trip with my dad.

Now let me explain something, my dad is a wonderful man and he is good at a great many things. But fishing is not one of them. But this year I couldn't bring myself to leave. I wanted to be here if Bella came looking for me.

So here I am, at the restaurant, listening to my employees bitch and moan about wanting to go home early. Here I am listening to customers compliment my food and tell me what a success I have become. And while I smile at them all I am thinking of is death. _Not mine. Hers._

As the night ended I sat down at a table in the center of the room. I was exhausted. I really thought she'd come tonight. Something made me think she'd be here. I looked around for her all night. Every time a brunette would walk through the door my heart would stop. But it was never her. She never came.

I felt my phone buzzing silently in my pocket. My heart skipped a beat at the thought that maybe it could be Bella. Just as quickly, my heart fell when I saw the name on the caller ID. It was my mom. _Fuck._ I forgot to call her.

"Hello," I answered, while pulling my fingers through my hair, one of my many nervous habits. I knew the pain I was feeling today would be equally reflected in her voice. I am not the only one who lost someone today.

"_Hi, honey. It's…,_" she hesitated. She needed reassurance.

"Hi, mom, I am so sorry I forgot to call you. It was a really busy night at the restaurant tonight. How are you?"

"_You worked tonight?_" She had every reason to sound surprised.

"I know. I was kind of hoping-"

"_You were hoping Bella would come_." It wasn't a question.

"_Honey, she will come. Give her time. But don't you see, Edward? Bella is the one person who can make you forget your past. She is the one person you are willing to change everything for. You stayed tonight because of her. Maybe it is time you start trusting her a little more and recognize how much you mean to one another."_

"Yeah yeah," I said, playfully dismissing her. She was right though. There is no one or nothing that has ever been able to keep me from running away when this day came around. But for Bella, it wasn't even a question. I had to be here for her.

"_Okay, well I just needed to hear your voice and know that you were okay. Make sure you call your father sometime soon. He has been thinking about you too_."

"Hey mom?"

"_Yes, dear?"_

"Thank you. I know what you and Dad sacrificed for me. I wouldn't have come this far without you both," I said with more emotion than I had expected.

"_Edward, first of all, we didn't sacrifice anything. A sacrifice means giving something up and we didn't give up anything. If anything we have more because of you. More happiness, more love and we couldn't be more proud. So thank you."_

"But-", I tried to interrupt but was cutoff. Once she started talking there was usually no stopping her until she said what she wanted to say.

"_Second of all, you are here because you took the steps yourself. We were only there for support and that will never, ever change. And I think you are more ready to take the last few steps than you give yourself credit for. You just need to have more faith in yourself and see yourself the way others do. The way Bella does. Remember, you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."_

I blinked back the tears that threatened to fall and laughed, "Winnie the Pooh? I haven't thought about that in years. It seems so long ago now."

"_That's because it was."_

After our call I tried thinking about how Bella would react if I finally told her the truth. Would she see me for the monster I fear I am or would she set me free from my self-imposed prison?

I was so lost in my thoughts that I jumped when I heard a light tapping sound at the window. _Bella._

Suddenly that dark corner of my mind was forgotten and replaced by the warmth of her smile. _She came._ I could barely stop myself from running to the door. Let me just say folks, Edward Cullen doesn't do sappy romantic shit. But damn if this moment didn't feel like one of those scenes from a movie where everything happens in slow motion and it feels like time is stopping.

I opened the door and saw her standing there biting her lip, looking so nervous and scared. To be honest, now that I had her here I was scared too. What if this wasn't going to have the outcome I had hoped for? What if she didn't believe me? What if she came to say good-bye for good this time?

"Hey," she said, her sweet voice sounding so hesitant and unsure.

There were a so many words that I wanted to say screaming at me in my head but they all got stuck in my throat.

"Hey," was all I could manage. _Jesus Christ, dumbass. You've wanted to tell her a million things and now that she is here that is all you can say? Get your shit together. You may not have the chance again._

She made her way into the restaurant and I couldn't help the excitement I felt at her finally being here. She was the one person, other than my parents, that pushed me to do this. I wanted her approval.

"Edward, I am so proud of you. It is everything you always wanted and it is beautiful."

"Yes, it is." I knew she was talking about the restaurant, but I couldn't help but notice that the words rang even truer in regards to her. She is beautiful and everything I have always wanted.

"Why didn't you come after me?"

This was the moment I had been waiting all week for.

"Bella, I wanted to. I wanted to chase you back to your apartment and force you to believe me, but that's not what I promised you. I told you I wanted to create new memories. We can't make new memories if we repeat our past mistakes. I am trying. Despite what you think you saw the other night, I am trying. So many times in our relationship I never gave you a choice. This had to be your choice."

She seemed satisfied by my answer. Well, she didn't argue at least. _That's a start._

"Why didn't you ask me to come to the opening? No matter what was going on between us at the time I would've been here to support you."

What is she talking about? Of course I invited her. She was the only person I even wanted there. No one else mattered.

"What do you mean? I did invite you. I told-." _Alice._

"I...I guess your invitation got lost in the mail. I truly am sorry for that. It would have meant more than you can possibly know if you had come."

She looked at me for a moment. It looked as if she was trying to solve a difficult math problem.

"Tell me something real, Edward." _She doesn't want to know about Tanya?_

"What? I don't understand."

"You want me to trust you? Well trust is something that is earned. It is not a foregone conclusion. If you want me to trust you, then trust me with something real."

Now was one of those moments where my mind was screaming the words it wanted me to say. The question that remained was whether I was going to be brave enough to say them. _Man the fuck up, Edward._

"Sunflowers." I blurted out the first word out of the million that were racing through my mind. I fought back a chuckle at her expression. She looked so fucking adorable, but now was certainly not the time to laugh at her. _No shit Sherlock. _She wanted more. I'd give her more. _I'd give her everything_.

"The name of my restaurant, _Girasoli_, means Sunflowers in Italian."

"Edward, why? I don't…"

And now the words were spilling out of me like a flood.

I walked over to one of the dark chocolate walls, "Bella, this entire restaurant is my way of always having you with me. I picked this color because it reminds me of the color of your eyes."

"I picked this color because it reminds me of that dress you wore on our first date," I said, as I touched the blue glass tiles that were scattered in different places throughout the restaurant.

"I picked this color because it reminds me, both in its color and texture, of your skin," I said, as I caressed the cream colored silk curtains draped over the windows.

"And I named it _Girasoli_ because not only is it your favorite flower, but because it reminds me to constantly seek _my_ sunshine."

And the words stopped. It was like she was starting to strip down all the walls I had so carefully put in place. I didn't know whether to rejoice or run for the fucking hills. _Don't you dare run you son of a bitch._

As I slid closer to her in the booth I realized that she was crying. I felt that familiar tug in my chest, that overwhelming electric current run through me, as I brushed her tears away.

"Thank you," she said, looking into my eyes. And I wanted to tell her that she had nothing to thank me for. That I should be the one thanking her over and over again. Thanking her for saving me time and time again, even when she didn't know I needed to be saved.

But we still needed to talk about what she saw the other night. That was, after all, why she was here.

"Aren't you going to ask me about Tanya?"

"No Edward, I already know the answer to that question." She looked annoyed and defeated.

"You do?" What could she possibly know?

"_Because she's not you_." I heard her say, but she wouldn't look me in the eye. _Fuck my life. _

"What did you say?" Why did she tell me she didn't remember anything? _She is so fucking stubborn._

I had wanted to talk about this after it happened. Instead, knowing Bella, she has spent all this time questioning me, questioning herself. I know I could've used a better choice of words, but Jesus, I didn't know she was going to pass out as soon as I said them. _Damn tequila._

"Edward, just forget it. I get it. You have every right to be with anyone you chose, for whatever reason you chose. You owe me nothing, you are off the hook." _Off the hook? What is that shit supposed to mean?_

I was pinching the bridge of my nose, trying to stay calm. I took a deep breath.

"Bella, you told me you didn't remember our fight at the end of the night."

"You aren't the only one that can lie when it benefits them Edward."_ Ouch._ I had to make this right. As right as I could anyway.

"Bella, let me explain, please."

I took another deep breath. I could feel the flood of words swirling around in my head like water circling a drain.

"Bella, before I met you I lived my life a certain way. Everyone in my life was replaceable, forgettable. That's how I liked it and that's how I wanted it. I made sure that there was no one in my life that I would ever miss if they left. And then you came along like a god damned meteor shower streaking across my darkened universe. You turned my world upside down and inside out and I loved it and hated it all at the same time."

Let me explain something. I didn't set out for this to be our story. When I first met her I thought she would be like all the other girls. We'd hang out, I'd get laid a few times and move on. It was what I was used to and it was easy. But pretty soon I realized Bella was not like all those other girls. She made me feel alive and she made me feel hope. I was suddenly at war with two parts of myself. The monster I believed myself to be and the man I was when I looked into her eyes. It was a constant tug of war between the two with Bella standing in the middle.

"But why? Why would you want to live your life without letting anyone in?"

"Bella, you don't know me. You think you do, but you don't. I am not a good person. But being with you made me feel like I wanted to be good. That maybe one day I could be good. But every time you, _we_, got too close, I was reminded that I could hurt you. So I'd push you away."

"I..I don't understand. Edward, you did hurt me. You don't think the lies and the cheating and the broken promises didn't hurt." I could see the hurt and betrayal she was feeling in her eyes. But she has to know.

"That is not what I mean Bella. I hurt you like that because I was trying to push you away so that I could never hurt you in the way I fear the most." I could barely say the words out loud. The thought alone made me sick to my stomach.

"I could only hope that one day I would push you far enough away that you would never come back because I am not strong enough to stay away from you."

"Was that you wanted all along? For me to go away? You unimaginable coward! Instead of being a man, and simply admitting to me that you didn't want me, you made me miserable in hopes that _I_ would leave _you?_ Well today is your lucky god damned day because you are going to get your wish twice."

She made her way out of the booth and I watched as she made her way to the door. But I couldn't let her walk out. Not this time.

"Bella, I'll always want you, even though I can't have you." _Life is so un-fucking-fair. _

I watched her turn around and look at me. And the irony hits me like a ton of god damned bricks. Life hands me this gift but then tells me I don't deserve it. It says you can look at it, sometimes you can touch it, but it can never truly be yours because you would just break it.

"None of this explains what you meant at the party," she asked, though it seemed like there was something more she wanted to know.

I know what loving someone to the point of insanity can do. I experienced first hand the constant battle for dominance, the loss of all sense of reason when it came to that one person. I knew that if anyone could make me love them that much it would be Bella. And that was why I couldn't be with her. I loved her too much.

"Yes it does Bella. Don't you see? It is easy to be with someone like Tanya because I don't love her. Never have, never will. Nothing she can say or do will ever hurt me and I don't care enough to fight for her. She can come or go; I can take her or leave her. But not you. I feel possessive of you and for someone like me that is not a good thing."

"But Bella, you have to believe me. Nothing is going on between Tanya and me."

"Why does it matter if I believe you?"

"It just does."

"Then why were you with her the other night?"

"I know I have no right to ask this of you, but can you please just trust me?" I was silently begging her to believe in me.

"I want to Edward, but you are going to have to give me a little more to go on here."

_Tell her. _And I try. The words are right there, circling the drain again, but I just can't bring myself to say them. But I have to tell her something. She has to believe me.

"Her father is doing me a favor. Please don't make me explain anymore. I want to tell you more, but right now I just can't. You said trust has to be earned, give me the chance to earn it, please." _Please._

"Okay. I'll give you the chance, _this_ time. Don't do something to make it be the _last_ time."

I let out a breath I didn't even realize I was holding.

"I guess I should get going. It is getting late," she said as she glanced at her watch. She was right. It was almost one o'clock. But there was no way I was letting her walk home alone this time of night. Besides, I wasn't ready for her to leave yet.

"Where are you going?"

"To join the circus. Where do you think I am going? Home."

I rolled my eyes at her sarcastic comment. She always thinks she's so tough. "Bella, it is one o'clock in the morning. Do you honestly think I am going to let you walk home alone?"

And there was that look.

"Protective, not possessive, remember?" I said.

I saw her lips start to turn up in a smile and I knew I was winning.

"Listen, are you hungry? Let me cook for you before I walk you home."

"Sure."

I felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest. I had her here, if only for a little while longer, and I was going to make the most of it.

**Chapter Song: Let Me Go by 3 Doors Down**

One more kiss could be the best thing  
But one more lie could be the worst  
And all these thoughts are never resting  
And you're not something I deserve

In my head there's only you now  
This world falls on me  
In this world there's real and make believe  
And this seems real to me

You love me but you don't know who I am  
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand  
And you love me but you don't know who I am  
So let me go  
Let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for  
And I turn my back on loving you  
How can this love be a good thing  
When I know what I'm goin' through

In my head there's only you now  
This world falls on me  
In this world there's real and make believe  
And this seems real to me

You love me but you don't know who I am  
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand  
You love me but you don't know who I am  
So let me go  
Just Let me go  
Let me go

And no matter how hard I try  
I can't escape these things inside I know  
I know  
When all the pieces fall apart  
You will be the only one who knows  
Who knows

You love me but you don't know who I am  
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand  
And you love me but you don't know who I am  
So let me go  
Just let me go

And you love me but you don't  
You love me but you don't  
You love me but you don't know who I am

And you love me but you don't  
You love me but you don't  
You love me but you don't know me

* * *

So there it was. What did you think? What about Alice keeping Bella away from the opening? Do you think Edward can be trusted or is something more going on with him and Tanya than he is letting on? The next chapter is going to have some more Edward/Bella moments. Should we see some lemons or is it too soon for these crazy kids?

I asked for **20** reviews last time and I got them. I am going to be a little greedy and ask for **30** this time! I had several new people add me to their faves and alerts (you know who you are); I'd love to know what you all are thinking. Don't be shy. I won't bite. As always, if you leave me a review I will send you a teaser for the next chapter.

Reviews make me happy and according to Elle Woods (Legally Blonde), happy people don't shoot their husbands. So if you don't want to do it for me, do it for my husband! LOL Just kidding, I won't shoot him, but it really does make me so happy to read what you are thinking. Okay, I have begged and pleaded enough.


	10. These Feelings Won't Go Away

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. However, I do own this story. Please do not plagiarize or duplicate without my consent.

First of all I just want to say thank you to everyone that added this story as a fave or put it on alert. Also, a HUGE thanks to everyone who reviewed. I _almost_ made it to 30. Ok, so I just found out today that I am pregnant and it is a HUGE surprise. I already have two little boys that are 3 and 18 months, so this is a bit of a shock. My own husband doesn't even know. Needless to say I am freaking out just a little. Soooo, leave me some love to help take my mind of the fact that I am going to have three children under the age of four! OMG! I hope you enjoy this chapter, it is a little bit of fluff because I know what is ahead for these two. So, I thought this might make up for that! Thanks again for everyone's support! xoxo Dana

The song used in this chapter is one of my faves: Citizen Cope "Sideways". There is a link it on my profile. I highly recommend listening to it while you read this, to help set the mood. (wink wink). Enjoy!

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**Chapter 10 ~ These Feelings Won't Go Away**

As I followed Edward into the kitchen I couldn't help but notice how elaborate the kitchen seemed. Edward was always an amazing cook, which considering my fondness for take-out, always came in very handy. I recalled memories of cooking together in our old apartment. Soft music playing in background and a glass of wine in my hand.

If there was ever anything sexier than Edward, it was Edward in the kitchen. He always looked so confident and sure of himself. All of the self-doubt that seemed to plague him melted away like butter in a frying pan. _What was that song that one night? _I could hear the music playing in my head.

_You know it ain't easy  
For these thoughts here to leave me  
There's no words to describe it  
In French or in English_

_Cause, diamonds they fade  
And flowers they bloom  
And I'm telling you  
_

"Like what you see?" Edward asked, pulling me out of my memories. _Damn it. I almost had it._

"I was just admiring your kitchen. Even to the untrained eye one can tell you definitely spared no expense."

"Well, a cook is only as good as the equipment he uses," he said, as he pulled ingredients out of the fridge.

"I thought you always said the most important utensils a cook has are his hands," I said, thinking about his hands. I bit my lip at the thought of how well he used his hands. I felt the blush rise to my cheeks as a particular memory and the song all came back to me at once.

_These feelings won't go away  
They've been knockin' me sideways  
They've been knockin' me out lately  
Whenever you come around me_

"_Hey baby, can you stir the sauce for just a moment while I take this phone call?" Edward said, as he lowered the volume on the stereo._

"_Don't turn it down. I love that song."_

"_Fine, I'll put it on repeat. Now stir."_

"_Edward, I'll screw it up. Don't make me," I said, scrunching up my nose at the idea of attempting to cook. Edward had been slaving over this dinner for hours and I didn't want to be the one to screw it up because I didn't stir the sauce the right way._

"_Bella, don't be such a baby. All you have to do is stir. Now shhh, I'm on the phone."_

_I turned back around to the stove and looked at the thick, yellow sauce bubbling in the pot. I stood there, stirring and stirring, thinking the whole time, "Jesus, cooking is boring."_

_However, the smell that was emanating from the sauce was completely wonderful and buttery and lemony. I couldn't resist the urge to stick my finger in and taste. I heard a moan and suddenly realized it was my own. _

"_Damn, that is amazing," I said out loud to no one in particular._

_I suddenly felt two warm, strong arms wrap around my waist from behind and heard Edward's seductive voice in my ear._

"_I am glad you like my sauce. But I can think of much better things to be doing with it."_

_And with that he dipped his finger in it and wiped it just below my ear. He then proceeded to run his tongue up my neck agonizingly slow. When he finally made it up to the spot below my ear he sucked and nibbled eliciting an embarrassingly loud moan from me._

_I turned around and crashed my lips into his. Our tongues were fighting for dominance over one another. I had my fingers laced into his hair at the base of his head, pulling him closer to me. Always closer. Edward snaked his arms around my back, slowly letting them slide down my back until he was grabbing my hips. _

_With passion and force, he picked me up and sat me on the kitchen counter. The only sounds that could be heard were our pants and moans and the song on the radio. He pulled my tank top over my head and I arched my back as he licked and sucked on the swell of my breasts. My bra was the next to come off and then he immediately had my nipple in his mouth. His tongue was flicking and licking, his teeth were biting, I felt him every where._

"_Mmmmm…."_

_Hearing my moans only spurred him on. He lifted my skirt and pulled my panties off as I heard the faint sound of a zipper. Before I could even recognize what was happening I felt his him slip inside me. _

"_Oh Jesus, Edward!" He felt so good. It was like a part of me was never completely whole until he was inside of me. That tingle, that electrical spark that I feel when we touch was amplified by a thousand when he was inside of me._

"_Bella, you feel so good…so wet…always so wet…fuck."_

_He could barely squeak out a complete sentence which was okay because the ringing in my ears made it nearly impossible to hear what he was saying anyway._

_I could feel every inch of him as he moved in and out of me. The friction of our bodies moving in rhythm together was bringing me closer and closer to my release._

"_Don't stop, I'm close…ugh…baby…"_

"_Let go Bella, come with me…," he whispered in my ear._

_He picked up the speed and intensity of his movements, thrusting harder and harder. I matched his movements and I could feel the pressure building. _

"_Edwaaard…" I cried out as I found my release. _

"_Oh…fuck…yes…" Edward said, as he followed right after._

_We sat there, out of breath with our foreheads pressed together. When we finally caught our breath I noticed a funny smell. _Shit.

"_Edward, the sauce!"_

_I hopped off the counter and looked into the pot. That delicious thick yellow sauce was now black and crusty and stuck to the bottom of the pot._

"_I told you I'd ruin the sauce," I said, as I looked to Edward with a pout on my face._

_He just laughed and wrapped his arms around me._

"_Tell you what half-pint; you can burn everything I ever cook if I get to make love with you like that each time." _

_I could hear my favorite song still playing in the background as we started to kiss again._

_I keep thinking in a moment that  
Time will take them away  
But these feelings won't go away_

"Penny for your thoughts," Edward said, staring at me like I had lost my mind.

I had no idea what the look on my face must have shown as I thought back or how red my face had become at the realization that I had been caught, but Edward only smirked when I looked back to him.

"So…um…what are you going to cook?" I asked, trying to change the subject before he could press any harder. _Mmm, press harder. _Stop that!

"I was thinking about making your favorite. Well, at least it used to be your favorite. I guess it could've changed," he said, with a frown.

"Mushroom ravioli?"

He nodded.

I smiled because he was right, that was my favorite and he made the best.

I watched in silence for a while. As I watched, I noticed that every bit of the scared and broken little boy that I saw earlier was gone. Suddenly I realized something.

"Hey, isn't this the time of year that you and your Dad usually go on that fishing trip together?"

I noticed Edward stiffen at my question. I couldn't quite figure out what would cause that reaction.

"Did you and Carlisle have a fight?" I asked, wondering if that was the reason for his reaction to my question.

"No, nothing like that. I…I just…"

He looked like he was trying to decide how to answer.

"It's a simple question Edward, but if you don't want to answer I'll just add it to the list of things you don't tell me," I said, sounding more annoyed than I had intended. I wasn't trying to start fight, or rehash our earlier discussion. I liked the current mood we were both in; I didn't really want that to change.

"I'm sorry. You really don't have to tell me Edward," I said, trying to backtrack before it could lead to another fight.

"I didn't go because I wanted to be here…in case you came to see me. Looks like I made the right decision," he said, as he placed our dinner on the table.

In the seven years Edward and I had been together he had never once missed fishing with his father. Never. So the fact that he was willing to miss it on the off chance that I might come to find him made me feel happy. Happier than it should have, really.

"Mmmm. I forgot how good your mushroom ravioli is. God, I have missed it," I said, as I poked at the ravioli.

"Your restaurant really is incredible, Edward. I am constantly hearing people rant and rave about how much they love this place. It always makes me so proud when I hear them."

"Thank you Bella. I don't know if I would have ever done it if you hadn't given me the push I needed," he said, with a slight frown.

"But what about you? Tell me how your job is going?" He continued, trying to change the subject.

"It is going really well. Actually, I…ahem…I got a job offer in Los Angeles," I said, rather hurriedly. Edward always blamed himself for me not taking the job in LA after college. In reality, I never gave him a choice. I made my decision up long before I approached Edward about it. Granted, that decision was based on the fact that I knew Edward wouldn't go, but it is not like he forced me to stay.

His movements stilled and his breathing stopped for just a moment before he collected himself.

"Los Angeles? Wow. That is great Bella, really. What a coincidence that you got another job offer there?"

"Well, actually it is the same company. But apparently the job they want to offer me is a little more impressive than mail room clerk."

"Well, what does Jake think?" Edward asked reluctantly.

Of all the questions I expected Edward to ask, that did not even register on the list.

"Jake? Well, things aren't really working out with Jake. I mean, he is a nice guy, but there is just no…," I trailed off, not really sure how to finish the sentence.

"Oh well. I am sorry about that. But at least you don't have anything tying you here anymore. That should make the decision a little easier."

If Jake were the deciding factor in my decision then yes, that would've made it much easier. But in truth, no matter how hard I tried to deny it, the one person that held my fate in his hands was sitting right across from me.

I just nodded because the lump that was forming in my throat at the moment currently made speaking extremely difficult, if not impossible. So we just sat there staring at each other. Uncomfortable did not begin to cover the situation.

"Oh! Did you hear about Heidi and Felix?" Edward asked suddenly, as if he was glad he thought of something to end the awkwardness.

Ordinarily I wouldn't want to hear anything about those two, but I was just thankful to have something new to talk about. Plus, the look on Edward's face told me it must be pretty interesting.

"No, what happened?"

"Apparently Heidi found out Felix has been cheating on her," he said, as he cleared the dishes and began washing them in the sink. I stood up and made my over to him and motioned for the dish towel.

"You wash, I'll dry." I said, as he looked at me with a questioning look on his face.

"Does she know who with?"

"Nope," he said, as he popped the p at the end of the word.

"She just knows it has been going on for a while," he continued.

"You are taking far too much pleasure in this, you know?" I said, as I continued to dry the dishes. Even after all this time we worked in a comfortable rhythm. It was as if no time had passed at all.

"No I am not. It is just nice to know that we aren't the only people with issues."

I thought about that for a moment. He was right. I knew for a fact that Alice and Jasper have been fighting more lately. I heard them when I stayed at her house the other night. I couldn't make out what they were arguing about, but they definitely were not happy with each other. Plus, Rose and Emmett have issues too. Apparently they have been trying to have a baby and she hasn't been able to get pregnant. She is worried that Emmett blames her.

"I guess that is true. Maybe we aren't as fucked up as we thought," I said, laughing a little.

"No, we are exactly that fucked up. Well, at least I am," he said laughing, but there was a humorless edge to his laugh. Suddenly that broken little boy was back.

I sighed. "What could possibly make you say that, Edward? You have two loving parents who support you no matter what."

There was something odd fixed on his face as I said this, but I continued.

"You have an amazing business that you have built solely on your own and you are surrounded by friends who would do anything for you. I would do anything for you," I said, surprised by my last comment. I hadn't intended to admit that much but it just came out.

"Things aren't always what they seem, Bella," he said, as he started to walk out of the kitchen.

We made our way out into the dining room and he started turning off the lights one by one.

"Will there ever come a day when you can tell me what you mean when you say things like that?" I asked, looking deep into his sad eyes.

"I hope so."

We stood their silently for just a few seconds probably, but it felt like an eternity. It felt like in that moment there was so much he wanted to say but couldn't.

"Come on. It's getting late, let me walk you home."

I woke up the next morning feeling drained. Bringing up so many old emotions and memories left me feeling almost empty. I slowly made my way into kitchen to brew a pot of coffee, but suddenly noticed that I wasn't the only thing empty. _Damn._ I was out of coffee. Not good. I guess this means I am going out for coffee.

"_Hello?"_ Alice always managed to sound chipper no matter what time of day it was. _So annoying._

"No coffee," I grunted out.

She laughed. "Okay, I'll meet you at Starbucks."

"Call Rose." It was a miracle I was able to form even these simple sentences considering how tired I was.

I am not a morning person. That much is glaringly obvious. But mix in going to bed at three a.m. and no coffee and it's not pretty. Somehow I managed to shower and dress and make it to meet Alice and Rose on time.

Alice looked appraisingly at my outfit. "What are you wearing?"

"Shut up pixie dust; just be glad I remembered to put pants on. Where is my caramel macchiato bitches?"

"Jesus, you are worse than normal. What has you feeling so shitty this morning," Rose asked, as she picked at her nails.

_Shit. _There is no way I could tell them I was with Edward. They would go bat shit crazy. And I have not had nearly enough coffee to handle that this morning.

"I just had trouble sleeping last night. I've got a lot on my mind. Oh, I guess I haven't talked to you guys this week. I got a job offer in Los Angeles. They called on Monday. It is actually a really great offer from the same company I turned down before. I don't know-."

I looked up from my muffin and saw them sitting there with their mouths wide open.

"What?" I asked, a little confused by their reaction.

Of course Alice was the first to put in her two cents. "You have known about a potential job offer on the other side of the country for almost a week and you neglected to call your two best friends?"

Oh that.

"I'm sorry guys. Things at work have been so busy that I haven't really given it much thought. I am not even sure I am going to take it," I said, trying to sound casual.

"What? You said yourself that it is a really great offer, Bella. As much as we love having you here, this is your career. Is this really something you should turn down? I don't know much about the publishing world, but I am pretty sure opportunities like this don't grow on trees." Rose chimed in.

"Trees, Rose? Really? You sound like my dad." _Shit. I never called him back. I am not going to hear the end of it when I do. _

"All I am saying is that you should at least go talk to them. See what they have to offer," Rose said. _Always the voice of reason._

"I know. And I probably will. But it is my decision. I don't want to come back from the interview and have you two pushing me one way or another. Got it?"

Having two very opinionated best friends is great when you want to know whether to wear the red sweater or the blue one, but when it comes to making life altering decisions, sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming.

"Got it." They both agreed I unison.

"I am bored," Rose sighed.

"Sorry we are such lame companions your highness," Alice said, as she rolled her eyes.

I just laughed. Rose got bored very easily. I think it comes from always having so many people clamoring for her attention.

"No, dumbass. I don't mean with you guys. I just mean with life. Everything is so boring around this town. No good gossip, nothing new to talk about."

I smiled. I had some good gossip. Gossip these two would eat up with a spoon.

"I know something you don't know," I said, with a sing song voice and a smirk on my face.

"What?" Alice said, practically bouncing in her seat.

"I don't know if I should say anything. Gossiping really is so seventh grade, don't you think," I said, as I slowly stirred my coffee. Of course I was going to tell them, but I had to make them beg just a little. It is very rare that I know something going on around this town that one or both of them don't already know.

"Spill it bitch or I'll dump that coffee all over you," Rose said jokingly. At least I think she was.

I sighed. "Okay. So guess who's a cheater?" I was trying to drag this out as long as possible, but they were both practically foaming at the mouth for the dirt.

"Bella, puhleeeze tell us. I can't stand the suspense," Alice was begging.

"Fine," I said with a huff. "You guys are no fun at all."

"Heidi found out Felix has been cheating on her. She doesn't know who the slut is but she knows it is true," I said, with a satisfied smile on my face.

"No fucking way?" Rose practically yelled.

"Shh. Jesus rose, we are in public. There are children present," Alice said.

"I mean it's not exactly a shock. We all know what douche bag Felix can be," Alice continued.

Boy, did I ever.

"_Bella, come on. Edward can't satisfy you the way I could. I would make you scream my name in ways you can't even imagine," Felix said, as he leaned on the wall next to me. I always waited here for Edward to meet me after my class, but unfortunately that always gave Felix the opportunity to hit on me. I knew it drove Edward crazy, but he tried so hard to fight it._

_I remember the last time he had had enough of a guy hitting on me. Granted, James did have me pinned against a wall against my will, but still. I had never seen Edward so angry. It was like he wasn't even himself. He was lost behind the rage._

_I had never told Edward this, but something about the way he defended me turned me on and made me love him even more. I know the rational side of me should be afraid that he has that kind of temper, but I have never seen that side of him directed at me._

_Growing up I never had anyone stick up for me the way Edward did that night. My dad was always too busy bossing me around, telling me what was best for me. While my mom was too busy living vicariously through me to take care of me. So maybe the way he went about it was wrong, but nothing made me feel safer than the way Edward took care of me._

_After months of Felix harassing me after class I had finally had enough._

"_Listen you piece of shit, I have no interest in anything you have to offer. I'm not really into limp dicks the size of my pinky. If you don't leave me alone and quit harassing me I will have Edward kick your sorry ass."_

_At first Felix looked surprised that I stood up for myself. But then he looked almost turned on. It literally made me throw up a little in mouth._

"_Bella, do you honestly think Edward could take me?"_

_Not many people knew about Edward beating up James. No one saw it happen but me, and I certainly wasn't going to turn him in. I threatened to tell the police James attacked me if he said anything so he kept his mouth shut too._

"_Do you know James?"_

"_You mean that moron who got attacked last semester by those gang bangers? What does he have to do with this?"_

"_Because it wasn't a group of gang bangers that put his ass into the hospital. It was Edward."_

"_No fucking way. I heard James was drinking through a straw for a month," Felix said in disbelief._

"_Actually it was two. And do you know why he did it? Because James wouldn't leave me alone. Now the only reason Edward hasn't kicked your ass into next week is because I told him to back off. But if you don't leave me alone, I might not be so generous, you got it. I'm _his._ Don't fucking touch me or talk to me again."_

_Felix just stood there shocked. It was then he noticed Edward walking towards us with a murderous glare on his face. Felix quickly excused himself._

_I always gave Edward a hard time about his possessiveness. But in reality, I was his, just as he was mine. _

"I am sure Heidi has been crying on Tanya's shoulder since she found out. Those two drive me crazy," Alice said, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Hey, Alice, speaking on Tanya…didn't you used to work with her at the sandwich shop during college?"

"Yeah, why?" Alice asked tentatively.

"Do you by any chance know what line of work her father is in?

Alice thought silently for a moment. "I think he works as a guard at the state prison, or maybe the warden. I am not sure. But I am pretty sure he works for the prison in some capacity."

Why would Edward need her father's help if he works for a prison? That doesn't make any sense. But it seems like an odd lie to make up when there are so many other things he could've said.

"Why?"

I guess I should have thought before I asked that question. _Crap._

"Oh…uh…no reason, really. Edward may have mention that her father was doing some kind of a favor for him. He didn't really elaborate though." I tried to sound casual and indifferent.

Alice froze. "He what?"

"He said her father was doing him a favor. But I am sure it has nothing to do with the kind of work he does," I said, trying to brush it off. Something about Alice's reaction didn't sit well with me.

"Yeah, you are probably right." She seemed a little too quick to dismiss the conversation and she also looked like she knew something.

"Alice, do you know something I don't know. Let me rephrase. Do you know something I _should_ know?"

Rose was looking back and forth at us, unsure of how the conversation had developed into this.

"No Bella. It just caught me off guard that Edward was asking for Tanya's help. I thought they were through."

Alice and I just stared at one another for a minute.

"So, Bella, when are you supposed to go on this interview?" Rose asked, trying to lighten the mood.

"What? Oh…I am supposed to call and set it up." I said, caught off guard by Rose's question.

"Well I can't wait to hear all about it. I bet Los Angeles is amazing," Rose said. I stopped listening as she went on and on about palm trees, celebrities and Rodeo Drive. I wasn't sure if any of that stuff made it worth my time to move so far away from everything and everyone I had ever known, but they were right. I had to at least go talk to them and see what I might be turning down.

The weekend went by too fast and Monday morning came too quick. _Typical._ After answering a few emails and a few meetings finalizing the details on some contracts I decided I needed to call about the job.

"_Hello, Aro Publishing. This is Demetri_."

"Yes, Mr. Anders. This is Bella, Bella Swan."

"_Ah, yes. So nice to hear back from you. I hope you have had time to give our offer serious consideration_."

"Actually Mr. Anders I have. I would love to come there and meet with Mr. Volturi. However, I was hoping we could do it over a weekend rather than in the middle of the week. Things, as you know, have really picked up here and it is hard for me to take time away from the office."

"_Of course, Miss Swan. I will set everything up for this weekend and send you your travel itinerary in the next few days. We look forward to meeting with you."_

I blew out a breath as our call ended. I knew this job was going to be hard to turn down, but the idea of moving to L.A. scared this shit out of me if I was being honest.

I walked in the door and flopped down on the couch exhausted from yet another day. I was looking through the take out menus when I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket.

"Hey, Rose, what's up?"

"_Oh my gosh I just had the most shiteous day ever! I hate my job._"

Rose works as a nurse in a pediatrician's office. You would never think someone as self-centered as Rose would go into a profession where it is your job to help people. But it turns out the only thing Rose loves more than herself is children.

"I thought you loved your job?"

"_I did. I do. I mean, I don't know. Ever since Emmett and I started trying to have kids I have found myself hating my job. I am just feeling resentful of all those parents that come in there with children and act like they don't appreciate what they have._"

"Rose, you guys have only been trying for a few months. You know it can take a while."

I was trying to be supportive, but in all honesty I didn't know anything about it. I had been on birth control since I was fifteen and didn't miss a pill for anything. It's not that I didn't want kids. I do…one day…just not today.

"_I know. I just worry that Emmett is getting frustrated. He wants a baby more than I do, and that is saying a lot."_

"Rose, Emmett loves you regardless of whether or not you can give him a baby."

"_I know. It can just all be so overwhelming sometimes. Let's change the subject. How was your day? Did you call about that job?"_

"Yes. They are setting up my travel and I am going out there this coming weekend," I said, as Rose squealed into the phone.

"_Bella, if you get this job you will be making so much more money. You will be able to have a nice house, you can finally get rid of the piece of shit you call a truck."_

She was right. If I got this job more than likely I would make enough money that I wouldn't have to worry about money anymore. I'd have all the things that most people think makes them successful. A nice house, a fancy car.

But is that what I want? Is that what I think will make me happy? What _will_ make you happy? I guess I have to figure that out pretty quick. Like, by next weekend.

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Ok, so leave me some love! For those that do, I will send you a sneak peek at the next chapter! xoxo Dana


	11. Little Girl Lost

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. However, I do own this story. Please do not plagiarize or duplicate without my consent.

Okay everyone, a special thanks to those of you that took the time to review my last chapter. Also, thanks to everyone who added me as a fave or put my story on their alert. That means so much. I don't get a ton of reviews so I hope you are all enjoying the story. This next chapter is a doozie, so I would love some feedback. I hope you enjoy it.

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**Chapter 11 ~ Lost Little Girl**

"I can't really talk right now, Alice, we are boarding the plane," I said, as I headed towards the gate.

I would have been lying if I said the job didn't sound amazing. They offered me everything you could imagine to convince me to take the job. A corner office with an incredible view of downtown Los Angeles. More money than I have ever seen in my life. A company car. All the things that a normal person would consider a sign that they had finally made something of themselves. And yet, I just wasn't convinced.

What did I need with a company car? I love my old, beat up pick up truck. Sure, it spends more time in the shop than it does on the road, but it has character. It's me. What does a Mercedes say about me except, "_Look at me, I have a lot of money."_

Of course the money would be nice. I would be able to buy a nice house or a fancy condo. But what good is that if you don't have friends to fill it with? Sure, I'd make new friends, but could it be the same. Alice, Rose, Jasper, Emmett. They were more than my friends. They were my family. Even Edward.

Was I ready to walk away from whatever it was that Edward and I might be rebuilding? Over the past week leading up to this trip to LA I had been giving Edward and I a lot of thought. During those three years that we were apart I was lost without him. I was making my way at work and in life, but in reality I had no clear destination in mind. But when I am with him I can see the end. I can see growing old with him, having kids and grandkids running all around us. I can see what I want out of this life.

If I left for Los Angeles I knew I would be giving the possibility of that up. I knew he wouldn't come with me. How could he leave his restaurant, his friends, his family?

"_Bella, you have to tell me all about it. Is Los Angeles incredible? Did you see any movie stars? I bet they offered you a-," _

"Alice. I really don't have time to talk. I have a very angry flight attendant giving me the stink eye because we can't take off until I get off the phone. You are picking me up from the airport for Christ's sake. I will fill you in then. Good bye," I hung up the phone without giving her a chance to argue.

Finally, the pilot announced our departure over the intercom and we were in the air. I closed my eyes and tried to picture myself living in Los Angeles. I'd always thought I blended it. But during the short time I was there I didn't just feel as though I blended in I felt as though I completely disappeared. I just didn't know if I was cut out for living in a big city.

I tried to fall asleep in hopes that the answer would come to me in some prophetic dream, but instead I was kept awake by the most annoying yet familiar voice a few rows up. I couldn't quite place it, but I was sure I knew the woman who wouldn't shut up. I couldn't help but feel sorry for whoever was sitting beside her.

After a few minutes I finally realized who it was and I cringed. Kate Jenkins. She was friends with Tanya and Heidi when we were all in college together. I vaguely remembered that she moved to Los Angeles right after we graduated. Right about the time I was mentally hoping I could get off the plane without having to have any interaction with her, she stood up and started walking towards to back of the plane. _Damn it to hell._

"Bella, Bella Swan?" Kate's annoying voice echoed throughout the plane.

"Hi, Kate, how are you?" I whispered, hoping she would take the hint.

"Oh my gosh. What a coincidence that we are on the same plane. Do you live in Los Angeles? I just moved back. The job just didn't work out. I had to go back to take care of a few lose ends." she continued to yell. I could feel the blush on my cheeks as people on the plane started to look in our direction.

"No. I was there for a job interview."

"Really? For what? Are you going to take the job?" she asked, barely coming up for air between questions. I didn't want the entire plane to know my business so I decided it was best to have this discussion after the plane landed.

"Kate, I would love to catch up. How about we chat after we land?" I said, in hopes that she would move on.

"Of course! This is just such a coincidence. I ran into Tanya the other day when I was at the doctor's office getting a physical for my new job. Can you believe she is pregnant? I mean it seems…."

I was sure Kate continued to go on and on, but she lost me after she said that Tanya was pregnant. That couldn't be right. Who was the father? Could it be? _No._ I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up or pass out. Can a person do both at the same time?

"Hey, are you okay? You look a little pale, Bella?" Kate asked. Her voice made me realized I had stopped breathing. I nodded my head as I tried to catch my breath.

"Yes, I…I am fine. How do you know Tanya was pregnant?" I asked, trying to make sense of the situation.

"I noticed she was carrying a box of prenatal vitamins. She said it was very early. She begged me not to say anything to anyone." _Then why the fuck did you tell me? Now I am trapped on this fucking tin can wishing I could claw my way out and find Edward._

"I didn't see a wedding ring on her finger, so I don't know who the father is. But that doesn't really surprise me. Tanya never did make the wisest decisions," she continued.

I barely listened as she went on and on, telling me stories of Tanya's indiscretions, _her words not mine_, while they were in college. I was so grateful when the flight attendant asked her to return to her seat so we could land.

My mind was racing with so many questions. Was this what Edward was keeping from me? Even after I gave him the chance to tell me the truth? He seemed so sincere when he asked me to trust him. I had to know the truth.

After the plane landed I didn't even stop when Kate tried to get my attention. I saw Alice waiting for me at the baggage claim.

"Oh my gosh, Bella, I can't wait to hear all about it," she started without as much as a hello.

"Not now Alice. I have to get to Edward," I said, hoping she would not push me on this. I was _thisclose_ to losing my shit and I did not need her adding her two cents.

"Bella, I don't understand. What is going on?" she asked.

"Alice, if you value our friendship at all you will not ask me any questions. I promise I will explain everything to you when I know what the hell is going on. Right now, I just need you to take me to Edward."

Alice looked at me as if I was a time bomb about to explode. In truth I was. We loaded my bags into the car and drove in silence to Edward's apartment. It didn't escape my attention the way Alice kept looking at me out of the corner of her eyes.

"Wait here," I said, as I got out of the car and raced up the steps. I heard Alice's door shut behind me. _Figures._

I was about to knock on the door when it opened. I was standing face to face with Tanya.

"Are you pregnant?" I blurted out before I even had time to think about it.

"Bella, what are you doing here? What is going on?" Edward asked, as he came to the door.

"Answer the fucking question, Tanya. Are you pregnant?" I screamed. I could feel myself about to lose it. The old Bella was coming back, like it or not, and some shit was about to get fucked up.

Tanya stood there looking shocked and more than a little scared.

"How? How do you know?" she asked.

"You're pregnant? Who'd you convince to let that happen?" Edward asked, sounding more disgusted than interested.

Tanya stood there for a moment looking like a deer caught in headlights. She looked at Edward and then to me several times. I was getting impatient.

"Answer the fucking question!" I yelled at her.

"It's..it's Edward's."

"The fuck it is! I haven't touched you in weeks and why am I just now hearing about this?" Edward looked panicked as he looked to me.

"Bella, you have to believe me. That is not my baby," Edward pleaded as he pointed to Tanya's stomach with his nose scrunched up.

"Bella, what is going on?" Alice asked, holding me back. I could feel my whole body starting to shake.

"Oh you didn't hear the happy news, Alice? Tanya and Edward are going to have a baby. Isn't that just the best fucking news ever?" I heard myself say, but it didn't sound like my voice. This voice sounded a little crazy and a little scary if I was being honest.

"Tanya, you need to get out of here," Alice said, as she pushed me into Edward's apartment.

Tanya ran out the door and was gone before I had time to realize what was going on.

"What the fuck Alice? I told you to stay in the god damned car. Why are you always butting into shit that is none of your business?" I screamed at Alice even though it wasn't her I was really mad at.

"Bella, I know. But, you don't want this to be like all the other times. Please, come home with me and we'll figure this out. It is fucked up I know"—she looked pointedly at Edward—"but it's not worth it."

"Not worth it? How do you know what he is worth to me? Go home Alice." I said, through gritted teeth.

Alice just stood there holding her ground. "Bella, I can't leave you here alone. Please come with me."

"I'm not alone Alice. Edward will take care of me"—I looked to Edward—"right Edward? I can trust him, right Edward?" I said with as much venom and sarcasm I could muster.

"Bella, please you have to believe me-," Edward said.

"Alice, go home," I said without taking my eyes off Edward.

"Alice, it's fine. We will be fine. Go home. I will make sure she gets to your house after we are done," Edward said calmly to Alice.

Alice looked like she was at war with herself over something.

"Edward, remember what you—"

"What the fuck Alice? Why are you acting like I am three god damn years old and can't be left by myself. GO HOME!" I screamed. I was quickly losing my patience with the whole fucking situation.

Alice sighed. "I better not regret this Edward," she whispered as she walked out the door. I was not sure what was going on with her, but I was going to get to the bottom of that shit soon too. Every god damn person in my life has been keeping shit from me and it is going to end tonight.

Edward watched Alice get in her car and drive away before he slowly turned back to face me. He approached me slowly, as if I was a mad man with a bomb strapped to my chest.

"Bella, I don't know if Tanya is pregnant or not, but I can promise you—"

Before Edward could finish his sentence I was attacking him. I was hitting and punching his chest while he stood there and took it.

"You promise me? _You_ fucking promise me? I don't fucking believe a god damn word you say anymore. Do you hear me?"

I continued my assault ax he stood there and took it. I was sobbing uncontrollably. Even I could barely make out the words as they left my mouth.

"I. Don't. Fucking. Believe. You" I said, each word emphasized by a punch to his chest.

"Bella, please…," Edward said soothingly and he rubbed my arms. Finally I stopped hitting him and we both collapsed to the floor. Everything hurt so much.

As he cradled me in his arms and rocked with me my mind was screaming to get him off of me but my heart was telling me to never let him go. Finally my crying slowed down enough for me to talk again.

"I told you. You asked me to give you a chance to earn my trust and I told you I would. I also told you not to give me a reason to not trust you again. It's always the same fucking shit over and over. You are hopeless. _We_ are hopeless."

"Don't say that. I am trying to fix this, I really am."

I shook him off me as I stood up.

"You are trying to fix it?" I laughed, sounding a little more manic than I had intended. Suddenly I felt like one of those people in an insane asylum with crazy eyes, laughing at a joke no one else has heard.

"Okay Edward, you want to fix this? Then tell me what Tanya's father, who works at a _prison_, could possibly be helping you with?"

The only thing that came out of Edward was silence.

"That is what I thought." I said, sounding a little more rational. Finally things were starting to click in my head.

"Bella, you don't think I want to tell you the truth? I do. I just don't know what the truth is anymore."

God, I was so sick of this cryptic shit he was always spouting.

"What the fuck does that even mean? Maybe you would recognize the truth better if you spoke it more often. You know what? You were right the other night. I don't even know you. All this time I thought I did, but how could I? How could I know someone that doesn't even know themselves?"

"Bella, you don't understand. It is not that easy."

"Stop. Just stop with the fucking lies and excuses. I gave you the chance. All you had to do was tell me the truth. But you couldn't help yourself could you? You lie because you can. You don't even have a choice. It's just what you do. Who you are. Well I am done. Find someone else to tell your lies to. "

I turned and started to walk out the door. I heard Edward's footsteps behind me.

"Bella, I am not lying. Not this time. Baby, please," I could hear the tears in his voice. I turned back around to face him.

"No, Edward. Because the thing is, it doesn't matter if it is the truth or a lie. The mere fact that our relationship is at the point where I can't believe you even when you are telling the truth means it is time to walk away. Do you think I like being that person I just was? Do you think I like hitting you? That is not who I am, but you make me that way. Because when everything you do hurts too much the only thing I know to do to make you hurt like me is to hit you. That is not normal."

"Bella, you can't. I am lost without you. I can't do this alone."

"But don't you see Edward. That is the only way you have been doing this. We haven't been a team. We haven't been partners. You are living your life as if there is no one else in it. You can't pick and choose when you want to let someone in. It is all or nothing."

I didn't look back as I made my way to the top of the stairs. I could feel him behind me before he even touched me. Suddenly his fingers wrapped around my arm.

"Bella, stop!" his voice was a mixture of anger and pain.

I still didn't look back. I couldn't look in his face. I knew what I would see there. I would see my pain reflected in his eyes. My pain was his pain. His pain was my pain.

"Edward, let me go. I am leaving." I winced as he tightened his grasp on my arm. This is the first time I could ever remember Edward putting his hands on me.

"You can't leave me. Not now. Please," he was sobbing. I could feel my heart breaking. This was so much worse than the last time I left. For some reason it didn't feel like the right choice. But I wasn't even sure I knew what the right choice was anymore.

I turned around to see him one last time. But what I saw scared me. This wasn't my Edward. His eyes were darker than I had ever seen them. This was the Edward that put a man in the hospital. This was the Edward that didn't stop beating him up until I pulled him off. But now he was on me. Who was going to pull him off me?

"Edward? Edward, let me go. You are hurting me," I said as I tried to pull my arm free.

He tightened his grip even more. I could feel the blood being cut off. He wasn't even looking at me anymore. He was looking through me.

"You think you can leave? You are mine. You leave when I say you can leave," he said, but not to me. I was scared. I have witnessed first hand what Edward can do when he loses it. But up until now, I was never the one in his path. I didn't know what to do.

"Edward! LET ME GO!" I screamed. As soon as the words left my mouth he dropped my arm like it burned him.

"Bella? Fuck! I..I am sorry. Go to Alice. I promised her I'd make sure you got there safe. GO!" he said as he pushed past me and ran down the stairs. I stood there staring at him as he disappeared.

_What the fuck was that?_

"Bella, let me see your arm again," Alice asked, as she reached across the counter and pulled up my sleeve.

I winced in pain as we looked at the purple finger shaped bruises that had started to appear on my arm. Alice walked over to the fridge and pulled out a bag of frozen peas.

"Here, put this on it. It should help," she said as she tossed me the bag.

"Bella, this is my fault. I knew I shouldn't have left the two of you alone," Alice said, as she poured me a glass of wine.

"What are you talking about? I told you to leave. There was no way you could've known that Edward would react the way he did. I have never seen him act like that."

Alice laughed, but there was no humor behind it.

She was right. I knew Edward had a temper. But never once had it ever been directed at me.

"Bella, I have to tell you something. Edward swore me secrecy, but I think at this point that doesn't matter," Alice said, as she looked down at her hands.

"Okay…"

"Bella, a few months after you left Edward he showed up on our doorstep. He was drunk. This was nothing new. He had been showing up several nights a week. Jasper would usually make him some coffee and try to sober him up. He'd crash upstairs in the guest room and be gone before we got up in the morning."

Alice wasn't making eye contact with me as she talked.

"This isn't going to be good is it Alice?"

"No."

"And this is why you have been so against Edward since we started talking again?"

"Yes."

Well at least I was finally going to get some answers.

"Okay, well it's now or never so spill it, Alice."

Alice took a deep breath.

"One night Edward showed up, drunk of course, but Jasper was out of town. He came stumbling into the house mumbling something about being just like his father. He also said not to let him hurt you the way he hurt her. He passed out shortly after that. The next morning I asked him about it. At first he didn't even look like he wanted to tell me, but he did."

"I don't understand. Why would he be afraid of being like Carlisle? And why would he worry about hurting me?"

"He told me that Carlisle is not his father. Apparently his father is in jail."

I was shocked. Carlisle was not his father? Is Esme even his real mother? Now I was questioning everything I had ever known about Edward.

"When I asked him why he thought he would hurt you he said that he had seen a lot of bad things happen in his life. He had seen people hurt each other and that he was afraid you guys were heading down that same path. He made me promise not to let him hurt you. I didn't do a good job of that judging by the bruises on your arm," Alice said sadly.

"Who was he talking about? Who did his dad hurt?"

"I was so shocked at his revelation about his dad being in jail that I didn't even ask that. I was more concerned with why he thought he could hurt you. When I saw him a few days later and tried to ask him he told me to mind my business."

None of this made sense. I suddenly realized how right Edward was. I don't know him at all. Even my best friend knows more about him. She has known for three fucking years and I am just now hearing about it.

Then I had another thought. If his dad is in prison maybe Tanya's dad was helping him out in some way after all. But if that were true, that would mean he also trusted Tanya enough to tell her. _What the fuck?_

And now she is pregnant with his child. _Wasn't she?_ I just didn't know what was the truth and what was a lie anymore.

Suddenly I was angry. Tanya knew. He trusted her enough to ask for her help. Alice knew. Alice knew for three god damned years and she didn't say a word. Maybe I could've helped him if I'd known. But that's right. He didn't want me to know. Apparently he trusted Alice and Tanya enough, but not me.

Alice looked at me warily.

"Bella, I know what you are thinking. Please don't be angry. I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you a million times. But, he made me swear not to tell you. He thought you two were over."

I could see the shame in Alice's eyes, but I couldn't find it in me to care.

"You know what Alice, save it. I am your best friend. Who are you supposed to be loyal to first?"

"Bella, I know you. I knew you'd want to save him and I didn't want to see you get hurt. Look at your arm. That is nothing compared to what could've happened. Please. I am sorry," she was pleading with me.

All damn night I have had people begging at my feet for me to believe them and to forgive them. All they had to do was tell me the fucking truth for once, but instead everyone was trying to protect me. Everyone thinks they know what is best for me. No one asks me what I want.

"So I guess everyone knows. Jasper, Rose, Emmett?"

I felt so betrayed. So alone.

"What? No! No one else knows, well except Jasper. I didn't even mean to tell him. He came home from his trip and saw how upset I was. I can't lie to him, you know that. He wanted to tell you, but I wouldn't let him."

"Is that what you two have been fighting about?"

Alice looked confused.

"I heard you two arguing the night we came back to your place after karaoke. I couldn't make out what you were arguing about."

Alice didn't have to answer. Her face said it all.

"Well at least _he_ wanted to be a friend to me. I'm such a fool. I thought I had a family, but this isn't a family. Families don't keep secrets and lie to one another. I guess I have my answer."

I stood up and walked to the door.

"Bella, wait. What are you going to do?"

I couldn't help but smile.

"So this is what it feels like to know something no one else does. I must admit, it feels good. I can see why everyone loves keeping things from me. It is nice to feel in control of someone, isn't it? You are a smart girl Alice, figure it out."

And I walked out the door never feeling more alone and lost in my life.

Chapter Song: Shattered by O.A.R

In a way, I need a change  
From this burnout scene  
Another time, another town  
Another everything  
But it's always back to you

Stumble out, in the night  
From the pouring rain  
Made the block, sat and thought  
There's more I need  
It's always back to you

But I'm good without ya  
Yeah, I'm good without you  
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?  
Over the line can't define what I'm after  
I always turn the car around  
Give me a break let me make my own pattern  
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered  
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night  
Would take so damn long  
Took it out, on the street  
While the rain still falls  
Push me back to you

But I'm good without ya  
Yeah, I'm good without you  
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?  
Over the line can't define what I'm after  
I always turn the car around  
Give me a break let me make my own pattern  
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered  
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up, baby  
Give it up, give it up, now  
Now

How many times can I break till I shatter?  
Over the line can't define what I'm after  
I always turn the car around  
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking  
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting  
Always turn the car around

How many times can I break till I shatter?  
Over the line can't define what I'm after  
I always turn the car around

Don't wanna turn that car around  
I gotta turn this thing around

* * *

Alright, soooo, what do you think? Is the baby Edward's? If not, who's is it? What about Alice? Do we forgive her? What else do you think Edward is hiding? What is Bella going to do? Come on people, leave me some love or something. I am not above begging. I have so many fabulous people who have added me as a favorite or put me on alert, do you know how many reviews I could have if each one of you let me some love. It really does mean so much to read each one of your thoughts and opinions on my story. I put so much of my self into it so it warms my heart to see how you respond. I try to reply to each and every review so if I missed you, I am so sorry. As always, if you leave me a review I will send you a teaser for the next chapter.

Okay, I have begged enough. The next chapter is in EPOV and we find out A LOT! I hope you will stick around to see where this goes. Mwah!


	12. SelfFulfilling Prophecy

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. However, I do own this story. Please do not plagiarize or duplicate without my consent.

First of all I want to say thank you to everyone that took the time to review! The last chapter was my most reviewed chapter so far, so THANK YOU SO MUCH! I want to give a special shout out to my first time reviewers: Saniaast27 & Ronami. Welcome to my story and thank you so much! I also want to give a shout out to a few of my regulars: LiveInDakota (who is nominated for a Twilight All-Human award . for her story Forget Me Not- read it and vote for it, you won't be disappointed); ColoradoPerson, KissyFur, HarlequinneGirl & GrabADietCoke. I would have had a hard time continuing this story without your support and reviews, so thank you so very much from the bottom of my heart.

I also want to thank those of you that added my story as a fave or put it on alert. I am so glad you are enjoying this story. xoxo

Okay, it must be the pregnancy hormones making me all mushy, so I will stop. Here is E's POV and we find out quite a bit more information. I can't wait to hear what you think so please leave me some love.

Okay, so here we go...

* * *

**Chapter 12 ~ Self-Fulfilling Prophecy**

"It's all taken care of, Edward. My father pulled some strings with the parole board. Your father's parole was denied. It'll be a couple years before he is up again," Tanya said, wearing a hole in my floor as she paced back and forth.

"Jesus Christ, Tanya, can you stand still for five fucking minutes? You are making me nervous. What is with you, anyway?"

"Shut up, Edward, you aren't the only one dealing with shit, you know. Jesus, you can be so fucking self-centered sometimes. You haven't even said thank you," Tanya said as she shot me a look and put her hands on her hips the way Bella always did when she was putting me in my place. Bella made that shit look sexy, Tanya just pissed me off.

But in truth, she was right. I owed her my gratitude, but that didn't negate the fact that she was getting on my nerves.

"You are right, Tanya, I am sorry. Thank you." _There, I said it. _

Tanya sighed. "It's fine. From what I hear about the man, he probably deserves to spend the rest of his life rotting in that shit hole anyway. He certainly isn't a favorite among the other inmates. My father says he loves starting fights. Thinks he's a real tough shit." _Yeah, that sounds like him._

"I don't get it though, Edward. If you don't want your father paroled, then why didn't you just go to the meeting and tell the parole board yourself?"

I sighed. I didn't feel like explaining this to anyone, least of all Tanya. I guess I owed her some form of an explanation since she did this favor for me.

"Because I haven't laid eyes on the man since the night they hauled his sorry ass to jail and I have every intention of keeping it that way," I said, as I dragged my fingers through my hair.

"What did he do anyway?" she asked cautiously.

"You mean you didn't get daddy to give you all the gory details on my pathetic life?" I asked, surprised that she didn't already know. Maybe she did and she just wanted to hear it from me just to torture me.

"No, Edward, believe it or not I do have some respect for you. Not much, but enough, I guess," she said, with a smirk on her face.

"Well, then I guess I owe you another thank you. But if you don't mind, I'd really rather not talk about it. It's done and I don't have to worry about that sorry excuse of a human being for a while."

"Suit yourself. To be honest with you I have my own problems, so yours are of little consequence to me. No offense," Tanya said.

"None taken. Thanks again, Tanya," I said sincerely.

"You're welcome. I guess this means you owe me," Tanya said with a wink.

I laughed a nervous laugh. For some reason I just felt like I had made a deal with the devil. I decided to just be grateful for what Tanya had done and try not to think the worst. My tendency for pessimism could be annoying, so I've been told.

"Listen, if we are through here, I really need to go. I've got some shit to take care of," Tanya said, as she made her way to the door.

"Yeah, sure, Tanya, pleasure doing business with you," I said as I gave her a dismissive wave. I couldn't believe I was going to be this lucky. Tanya was leaving without having to be kicked out. Maybe this was my lucky day.

Just as Tanya opened the door I saw Bella standing on the other side looking like she was close to killing someone. _Or not._

"Are you pregnant?" Bella practically screamed at Tanya. _Wait, what?_

"Bella, what are you doing here? What is going on?" I asked, as I made my way to the door. I tried to reach out for Bella but she pulled away.

"Answer the fucking question, Tanya. Are you pregnant?" she screamed.

I knew I should have been concerned with the look on Bella's face and the fact that Tanya was standing way too close to Bella considering her current state of mind, but I was trying to wrap my head around the question Bella was asking her. _Was Tanya pregnant? And if she was, why did it matter so much to Bella? There was no telling who Tanya had been fucking since we broke up._

"How? How do you know?" Tanya asked hesitantly.

I cringed at the thought of Tanya being pregnant with some poor man's child. _I wonder what dumb fuck she managed to get her claws into. For some reason the song Gold Digger came to mind. Glad I dodged that fucking bullet. _

"You're pregnant? Who'd you convince to let that happen?" I asked, as I tried to hide my disgust at the thought of Tanya reproducing.

Tanya stood there in silence looking between Bella and me like she was watching a tennis match. _Jesus, was it that hard to figure out? How many guys had she been fucking around with?_

"Answer the fucking question!" Bella yelled, sounding as impatient as I felt.

I wondered if I should attempt to hold Bella back because she was looking very close to pouncing on Tanya. It wasn't that I was concerned for Tanya; I just didn't want Bella to do something she would regret later.

"It's...it's Edward's."

_Oh hell no!_ Now I was fighting the urge to pounce. She was not going to blame this shit on me.

"The fuck it is! I haven't touched you in weeks and why am I just now hearing about this?" I yelled in Tanya's face.

I turned my attention away from Tanya, she didn't deserve it anyway. When I looked to Bella I realized she didn't even look surprised. Pissed? Yes. Surprised? Not even a little bit. Suddenly I realized why Bella was so freaked out. She thought all along that this baby was mine. _Son of a fucking bitch! _

"Bella, you have to believe me. That is not my baby," I begged. I had to convince Bella that this was the truth.

It was then that I noticed Alice coming up the steps. _This just keeps getting better and better._

"Bella, what is going on?" Alice asked as she came up behind Bella and attempted to hold her back. It was fairly obvious at this point, to everyone involved, that Bella was pretty close to snapping.

"Oh, you didn't hear the happy news, Alice? Tanya and Edward are going to have a baby. Isn't that just the best fucking news ever?" Bella said to Alice without ever taking her eyes off me or Tanya.

There was a manic edge to her voice that I had never heard before. This was not going to end well.

"Tanya, you need to get out of here," Alice said sensing the volatility of the situation.

Tanya ran out the door and was gone before Alice had even finished the sentence. _I'll deal with that bitch later. There is no way that is my baby._

"What the fuck Alice? I told you to stay in the god damned car. Why are you always butting into shit that is none of your business?" Bella screamed as she watched Tanya run away.

As I looked at Bella I was reminded of a drowning man. You know how they say it is best to throw them something they can hold onto. If you try to save them yourself they could pull you down with them because they are so scared and panicked. I was pretty sure no one could save Bella, or me, at this point. Bella was going to take us all down with her.

"Bella, I know. But, you don't want this to be like all the other times. Please, come home with me and we'll figure this out. It is fucked up I know but it's not worth it," Alice pleaded with Bella as she looked to me.

"Not worth it? How do you know what he is worth to me? Go home Alice," Bella shrieked.

"Bella, I can't leave you here alone. Please come with me."

Alice was trying so hard. I knew why she was fighting Bella on this. Because I asked her to.

"_Alice, I have seen a lot of bad things in my life. I have seen people that supposedly loved one another more than anything do more damage and cause more pain to one another than should be allowed. I could never live with myself if I did that to Bella. We have been walking a fine line for too long now. So please, just do what I asked. Promise me, Alice."_

"I'm not alone Alice. Edward will take care of me, right Edward? I can trust him, right Edward?"

You would've had to be deaf and blind to miss the venom behind her words and the hatred in her eyes. It didn't matter, I had to convince her.

"Bella, please you have to believe me…," I said, as I desperately tried to plead my case.

"Alice, go home," Bella said to Alice as she stared me down. I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat. _This was most definitely not going to end well._ I had to get Alice out of here. If I was going to stand a chance of convincing Bella then Alice had to go. Promise or no promise.

"Alice, it's fine. We'll be fine. Go home. I will make sure she gets to your house after we are done," I said trying to convince Alice that Bella would be okay.

"Edward, remember what you—"

"What the fuck Alice? Why are you acting like I am three god damn years old and can't be left by myself. GO HOME!"

Alice looked defeated.

"I better not regret this Edward," she said as she made her way out the door.

I turned back to Bella and was startled by the look on her face. She looked like a wild animal that had been backed into a corner. I walked slowly towards her with my palms held up in surrender.

"Bella, I don't know if Tanya is pregnant or not, but I can promise you…"

Before I could finish my sentence she was on me. She was hitting me and punching me and I simply stood there and took it. If this was what it took to take her pain away then so be it. Her pain was my pain.

"You promise me? _You_ fucking promise me? I don't fucking believe a god damn word you say anymore. Do you hear me?" she screamed, as she continued to hit me all the while sobbing.

"I. Don't. Fucking. Believe. You," she said. Each word emphasized as her tiny fists hit me over and over. I hated that I did this to her. Even if it was a lie, Tanya's lie—it was still my fault.

"Bella, please…," I said, as I rubbed up and down on her arms as she continued to hit and cry. Finally she collapsed to the floor, sobs racking her chest as she gasped for air. I held her in my arms, rocking back and forth, as her breathing slowly returned to normal and the crying stopped.

"I told you. You asked me to give you a chance to earn my trust and I told you I would. I also told you not to give me a reason to not trust you again. It's always the same fucking shit over and over. You are hopeless. _We_ are hopeless."

"Don't say that. I am trying to fix this, I really am."

She stood up and stepped away from my embrace. I suddenly felt so cold and empty. She hadn't even said the words yet but I knew she was gone.

"You are trying to fix it?" she laughed, only nothing was funny.

"Okay Edward, you want to fix this? Then tell me what Tanya's father, who works at a _prison_, could possibly be helping you with?"

How did she know that? I tried to open my mouth but nothing came out. I saw it in her eyes the exact moment she shut down.

"That is what I thought."

"Bella, you don't think I want to tell you the truth? I do. I just don't know what the truth is anymore."

"What the fuck does that even mean? Maybe you would recognize the truth better if you spoke it more often. You know what? You were right the other night. I don't even know you. All this time I thought I did, but how could I? How could I know someone that doesn't even know themselves?"

"Bella, you don't understand. It is not that easy."

"Stop. Just stop with the fucking lies and excuses. I gave you the chance. All you had to do was tell me the truth. But you couldn't help yourself could you? You lie because you can. You don't even have a choice. It's just what you do. Who you are. Well I am done. Find someone else to tell your lies to. "

Bella turned and made her way to the door. I didn't know what I was going to do; all I knew was that I had to stop her. I had to make her stay.

"Bella, I am not lying. Not this time. Baby, please," I cried.

"No, Edward. Because the thing is, it doesn't matter if it is the truth or a lie. The mere fact that our relationship is at the point where I can't believe you even when you are telling the truth means it is time to walk away. Do you think I like being that person I just was? Do you think I like hitting you? That is not who I am, but you make me that way. Because when everything you do hurts too much the only thing I know to do to make you hurt like me is to hit you. That is not normal."

"Bella, you can't. I am lost without you. I can't do this alone."

"But don't you see Edward. That is the only way you have been doing this. We haven't been a team. We haven't been partners. You are living your life as if there is no one else in it. You can't pick and choose when you want to let someone in. It is all or nothing."

_Nothing._ _That is what you will have if you let her walk out that door. Don't let her leave. _He_ wouldn't let her leave. _

Suddenly I was angry. I was angry at him for making me this way. I was angry at that bitch Tanya for lying. I was angry at Alice for listening to me when I told her Bella would be okay when I wasn't even sure of it myself. I was angry at Bella for not believing me and thinking she could walk away from me like this. Most of all I was angry at myself for allowing him, just the sheer thought of him, to control me all these years.

But, now it was my turn to control the situation. I had to. If I couldn't convince her of the truth I would make her stay until I could. Everything was getting fuzzy. All I could hear was his cold, detached voice screaming at me as he hit me over and over, _"You think you are better than me? I've got news for you Eddie boy, you _are_ me. You don't have a choice."_

"Bella, stop!" a voice said, as I grabbed Bella's arm.

I didn't recognize the voice, it sound cold and detached. It sounded like him, only it was me. I was suddenly seeing two different scenes before my eyes. The one currently in front of me—of Bella trying to leave me. And the one of that night—the night _she_ tried to leave.

"_I'm leaving Edward. I can't live like this anymore," she said, as she made her way out of the bedroom. He chased after her, grabbing her arm and pulling her around to face him as she stood at the top of the stairs. I could only watch. A scared, broken little boy at the bottom of the stairs begging her to take me away from him._

"Edward, let me go. I am leaving," I heard Bella say from somewhere in the distance.

"_You will leave when I fucking say you leave, bitch. You are mine," he said, through clenched teeth. Even from the bottom of the stairs I could see the drops of spit flying out of his mouth as he slurred his words through gritted teeth. _

"You can't leave me. Not now. Please," I said.

"_Edward, let me go. You are hurting me," she said as she tried to pull away from him. _

"Edward? Edward, let me go. You are hurting me," she said, trying to pull her arm away, but I only tightened my grip more. _Mine._

"_Why are you the only one who gets to do the hurting? You think you can leave me? Well, I don't fucking think so. I'm done with you when I say I'm done," he said, as he pulled her closer. She looked down at me with determination in her eyes. She promised me we would leave for good this time._

"You think you can leave? You are mine. You leave when I say you can leave." I could feel that familiar electric current coursing through my body as I tightened my grip even more.

"_Edward, LET ME GO!" she screamed, as she wrenched her arm from his grasp. I watched helplessly as she lost her footing and fell backwards. I saw him reach out to catch her or did he push her? I couldn't be sure through the tears that were now pouring from my eyes. I watched in horror as she hit her head on each and every step on the way down. I screamed as she landed with a sickening thud at my feet. I could only sob as I stood there and watched as her blood pooled at my feet. _

"Edward! LET ME GO!" I heard Bella scream and suddenly I realized where I was.

"Bella? Fuck! I...I am sorry. Go to Alice."

Bella just stood there rubbing her arm and staring at me with a confused and scared look on her face.

"I promised her I'd make sure you got there safe. GO!" I said, as I pushed my way past Bella and ran.

I couldn't believe what I had almost done. All these years of fighting the monster within and in one fleeting moment I'd almost let him win.

I knocked quietly on the door. I knew it was late and I felt bad waking them up, but they were the only ones I could talk to at the moment.

After a few moments, I knocked harder. Finally I saw the living room light come on and the door opened.

"Edward, is everything ok? Do you have any idea what time it is?" she asked, as she motioned for me to come in. I sat down on the couch and pinched the bridge of my nose. I had so many thoughts running through my mind I didn't know where to start.

"I'm sorry, Mom. I know it is late, but I really need to talk to you and Dad," I said, as I tried to fight back the tears that threatened to fall at any minute. I had to hold them back long enough to tell them what happened.

"Edward, is everything okay?" my father asked as he made his way down the steps.

"I almost hurt Bella tonight. No, I did hurt Bella tonight," I blurted out. No point in beating around the bush. There was no way to sugar coat something like that.

My mother gasped while my father only looked at me with patience and understanding.

"Edward, no! What happened?" she asked as she came and wrapped her arms around me.

I filled them on the events that had transpired. I explained how I started having flashbacks while I was fighting with Bella. I explained how I grabbed Bella by her arm and wouldn't let her leave. I explained how the only thing I could do when I realized what I was doing was run and how I had left Bella there scared and alone.

I sat quietly for a moment after I finished and waited. I waited for them to hate me. I waited for them to tell me I was no better than him. But instead, they both just sat there and waited with me.

Finally the silence started to wear me down.

"Did you hear me? Did you hear what I said I did?" I asked angrily as I jumped up and started to pace. I wanted them to hate me. I wanted them to send me away.

"What do you want us to say? That you are your father? Because you will never hear those words from us, Edward," my mother said softly. I could see the tears in her eyes.

"But didn't you hear me? I put my hands on her. I hurt her," I said, choking back the tears as I said those words out loud.

"Yes, we heard you, son. And what you did was terrible, but that doesn't change our opinion of who _you_ are," my father added.

It always made me feel safe when Carlisle called me that. It sounded so different than when _he _called me that. It felt like an admission of love when my uncle called me son, as opposed to the way my father said it. Like he had just taken a bad tasting pill swallowed with an ounce off regret.

I didn't hesitate to start calling my aunt and uncle "mom and dad" shortly after they adopted me. My mother was dead and my father was the man responsible. My Aunt Esme and Uncle Carlisle had been the closest thing to a real family I had ever had and I embraced that in every possible way.

"Edward, listen to me. My sister was with your father for many, many years. I knew your father very well, and _you are not your father_," my mother said, as she emphasized the last five words.

"Edward, I never once saw an ounce of regret or remorse for the things he did to her or to you. Now, I am not saying that you don't have some serious issues to work out. I am not saying that what you did to Bella was right. But if you think your father ever once asked for help or forgiveness, you have another thing coming. He was perfectly content with the monster he was."

I listened to her words. She was right. He never apologized to my mother, or me, for the things he did to us. He didn't even try to lie and say he would never do it again. He always knew he would and so did we.

"Have you talked to Bella and explained anything to her? You have kept her in the dark for far too long, Edward," my mother asked.

"No, I told you, I was so mortified by what almost happened that I ran away. I just don't know how I can ever face her again after what I did to her," I said without making eye contact with my parents. I was humiliated and ashamed.

"Edward, you need to talk to her. You need to apologize to her for what you did and tell her everything. I am not saying she will forgive you, and to be honest, she would be justified not to. However, she deserves the right to make an informed decision. You owe her that much," my father said.

He was right. He was always right. My parents had been trying for years to get me to admit to Bella about my past. They have been convinced that having someone like her to support me might make things easier. Obviously, I didn't feel the same way. After tonight, there was no way around it. I had to come completely clean with her about everything and hope that she didn't run away screaming. My father was right though, she had every right to know the truth and if she chose to leave then I would not stop her.

When I met Bella everything changed for me. I had never felt so much for one person and that scared me. I saw how possessive and controlling my father was over my mother and I saw how she would fight back and beg him to change. What if Bella and I were doomed to repeat their mistakes?

"Was their relationship always so…," I asked tentatively.

"Volatile?" my mother asked.

I was thinking more along the lines of bat-shit crazy, but volatile worked too.

I nodded my head. I didn't want to hear that they started out in love. I didn't want to hear that their relationship wasn't always filled with such violence and brutality. Because then I would know that Bella and I were no better than them. I would know that we were on the same destructive path that they were on and I couldn't let us end that way.

"I am not going to lie to you, Edward. You mother and father's relationship started out not unlike yours and Bella's. They loved each other as much as they hated each other. Your father was always a very possessive and jealous man, but your mother seemed to enjoy that. It was as if they would feed off one another, back and forth, until they had created something that was bigger and scarier than either had ever imagined possible. But it wasn't until right before you were born that your father became even more aggressive and physically violent. His drinking certainly didn't help matters."

I knew it. I was following right along in his footsteps. I felt sick to my stomach at the thought.

"I don't like to speak badly of my sister, but she wasn't completely innocent either. She knew just how to push your father's buttons and she did so as often as possible. But once you were born she tried to change. She wanted to make a better life for you than the one she had built with your father. The night she died was not the first time she tried to leave him, unfortunately it was the last," she continued sadly.

"But didn't it start somewhere? Violence like that had to be created somewhere, right?"

"Edward, listen. I know where you are going with this. I can promise you that your mother and I had loving, supportive parents. They never laid a hand on each other or us, so I don't know what happened to make your mother act the way she did. Love can alter us in many ways, some not always positive I suppose. As far as your father, I don't know what his life was like growing up. But even if his family was abusive to him, he didn't have to repeat their mistakes. He _chose_ to be the man he was. Just like you have a choice in the man you want to be. Our genetic history does not have to be our destiny. We are all born with a little bit of light and a little bit of dark within us. It is up to us to decide which one we want the world to see."

I sat there and let my mother's words soak in. Maybe she was right. I wanted her to be right. But after what just happened between Bella and me, I just couldn't be sure.

"Edward, if you keep expecting to see a monster when you look in the mirror, eventually you are going to become one. In other words, if you keep looking hard enough for something, eventually you are going to find it," my father said.

"But what about the dream? It almost happened tonight, don't you understand?" I asked desperate for them to realize what I was trying to tell them. I was becoming my father.

Shortly after Bella and I met, I started having the same reoccurring nightmare. Everything about the dream was the same as the night my mother died except I was my father and Bella was my mother. I have had to watch Bella die by my hand more times than I cared to admit. But tonight, it almost became a reality.

"That is what they call a self-fulfilling prophecy, son. I read somewhere that once people convince themselves that a situation really has a certain meaning, regardless of whether it actually does; they will take very real actions in consequence. I believe it was Robert K. Merton who actually first coined the phrase 'self-fulfilling prophecy' in his book _Social Theory and Social Structure_," he continued.

"Darling, I don't think tonight is the time for a philosophy lesson," my mother said with a chuckle as she patted his hand lovingly.

We all laughed. He never was one to miss an opportunity to teach me something.

"Sorry, dear," he said to her with a smile, "you are right."

"Edward, you know where to find the monster you have been looking for and it is certainly not in the mirror. He is locked up in a jail cell two hours away from here. I know it won't be easy, but only he has the answers you are looking for," he continued as he turned back to me.

I simply nodded my head and walked towards the front door. The events of the evening were finally catching up with me and I was exhausted.

"And, Edward, I strongly urge you to talk to your father _before_ you go to Bella. She is going to have a lot of questions that she is going to expect you to have the answers to. Don't disappoint her, son," my father added as I said good-bye to my parents.

He was right. I had been hiding from him for so long. In reality I was afraid he would confirm everything I thought I knew about myself. Either way I knew what I had to do.

It didn't matter that I was physically and emotionally exhausted. I barely got any sleep as I replayed last night's events in my head over and over. I couldn't believe how things had escalated so quickly between Bella and me.

Then, as soon as I'd get the images of Bella's scared face out of my mind I would suddenly see the face of my father through the eyes of a scared little boy. He never seemed more like a monster than in those final moments that I saw him.

Scared that I wouldn't follow through, I didn't want to give myself any more time than necessary to think about what I was about to face. So once the sun started to come up I didn't waste any time. I showered, dressed and made the two hour drive to the place I never thought I'd come.

I approached the gray building with determination. I looked at the metal fences with barbed wire wrapped around the property. I knew they were there to keep people in but right now it felt like they were there to keep me out.

After taking several deep breaths, I made my way into the building. I went through several different security check points before I finally made my way to the visitor's area.

"Who are you here to see, sir?" the guard asked from behind his desk.

"Inmate number 45301, Edward Masen," I said as I cleared my throat to choke back the nerves that were now creeping up on me.

"Fill out the sign in sheet there and I'll take you back," the guard said casually, as he pointed to a metal clip board that was resting on his desk. He acted as if this was an everyday occurrence. People probably came to visit the friends and loved ones all the time. But for me, this was anything but an everyday occurrence.

I looked down at the form which was requesting seemingly harmless information, but to me it was like I was signing a written confession for a crime I didn't commit.

_Visitor Name: _Edward Masen Cullen.

_Time: _I looked at my watch. 8:37 a.m.

_Relationship: _Son.

The guard walked out from behind his desk and walked me to a small cubicle. There were two metal chairs separated by a glass partition. On the wall to my right was a black telephone. There was an identical phone on the other side of the partition.

"Sit there and wait. He'll be out soon," he said, as he pointed to a chair.

Suddenly I was hit with the gravity of the situation. I was going to get all the answers I had been looking for whether I wanted them or not. I closed my eyes and braced myself to come face to face with the monster of my past. The monster I was waiting to become.

I heard a tap on the glass and I looked up. He was looking down at me with a smirk on his face. He sat down and picked up the phone. I slowly did the same as I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat.

"Well, well, well, if it ain't Eddie boy all grown up," he said through the phone.

Suddenly I was eight years old again.

Chapter Song: Love the Way You Lie by Eminem

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

But that's alright because I like the way it hurts

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry

But that's alright because I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie

I can't tell you what it really is

I can only tell you what it feels like

And right now there's a steel knife

In my windpipe

I can't breathe

But I still fight

While I can fight

As long as the wrong feels right

It's like I'm in flight

High of a love

Drunk from the hate

It's like I'm huffin' paint

And I love it the more that I suffer

I suffocate

And right before I'm about to drown

She resuscitates me

She fucking hates me

And I love it

Wait

Where you going

I'm leaving you

No you ain't

Come back

We're running right back

Here we go again

It's so insane

Cause when it's going good

It's going great

I'm Superman

With the wind at his back

She's Lois Lane

But when it's bad

It's awful

I feel so ashamed

I snap

Who's that dude

I don't even know his name

I laid hands on her

I'll never stoop so low again

I guess I don't know my own strength

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

But that's alright because I like the way it hurts

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry

But that's alright because I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie

You ever love somebody so much

You can barely breathe

When you're with them

You meet

And neither one of you

Even know what hit 'em

Got that warm fuzzy feeling

Yeah them chills

Used to get 'em

Now you're getting fucking sick

Of looking at 'em

You swore you've never hit 'em

Never do nothing to hurt 'em

Now you're in each other's face

Spewing venom

In Your words

When you spit 'em

You push

Pull each other's hair

Scratch, claw, bit 'em

Throw 'em down

Pin 'em

So lost in the moments

When you're in 'em

It's the rage that took over

It controls you both

So they say it's best

To go your separate ways

Guess that they don't know ya

Cause today

That was yesterday

Yesterday is over

It's a different day

Sound like broken records

Playin' over

But you promised her

Next time you'll show restraint

You don't get another chance

Life is no Nintendo game

But you lied again

Now you get to watch her leave

Out the window

Guess that's why they call it window pane

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

But that's alright because I like the way it hurts

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry

But that's alright because I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie

Now I know we said things

Did things

That we didn't mean

And we fall back

Into the same patterns

Same routine

But your temper's just as bad

As mine is

You're the same as me

But when it comes to love

You're just as blinded

Baby please come back

It wasn't you

Baby it was me

Maybe our relationship

Isn't as crazy as it seems

Maybe that's what happens

When a tornado meets a volcano

All I know is

I love you too much

To walk away though

Come inside

Pick up your bags off the sidewalk

Don't you hear sincerity

In my voice when I talk

Told you this is my fault

Look me in the eyeball

Next time I'm pissed

I'll aim my fist

At the dry wall

Next time

There will be no next time

I apologize

Even though I know it's lies

I'm tired of the games

I just want her back

I know I'm a liar

If she ever tries to fuckin' leave again

I'ma tie her to the bed

And set this house on fire

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

But that's alright because I like the way it hurts

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry

But that's alright because I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie

* * *

Okay, so let me know what you are thinking folks! As always, those of you that leave me a review will get a teaser of the next chapter, which is a good one folks. Edward finally faces his demons, literally and figuratively. Thanks again to everyone who has supported me and this story. YOU ROCK MY FACE OFF! Mwah! xoxo Dana


	13. Monster

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. However, I do own this story. Please do not plagiarize or duplicate without my consent.

**WARNING: LONG AUTHOR'S NOTE AHEAD (PLEASE READ ANYWAY):**

First of all, I just want to say I am so sorry for my lack of response both to your reviews and in updating. As some of you may know from one of my previous updates, I recently found out I was pregnant. Unfortunately last week I suffered a miscarriage. It was a hard thing to deal with and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I sat in front of the computer so many times to write and I just didn't have it in me.

I know I promised a teaser to all of those that took the time to review. I am usually very good about this, but since I just finished the chapter today I figured most of you would rather I just update than send out a teaser. For those of you that reviewed my last chapter and did not get a personal response from me or the teaser, I am very sorry. I promise to do better this time around.

Okay, so the chapter. I had a very hard time getting through this one. For many reasons I couldn't get into the heads on my characters. But, I pushed through and I think it turned out alright. The next chapter is from EPOV again and then we are going to hear from Bella. We are going to find out where she has been and what she has been doing. And don't worry, she hasn't just been lying around feeling sorry for herself.

So, here it is. Edward finally faces his demons, more specifically his father. I can't wait to hear what you think. As usual, for those that leave me some love I will send you a teaser (and again, I promise I won't disappear this time). Enjoy! Xoxo Dana

* * *

**Chapter 13 ~ Monster**

I looked back at the man standing before me and there was no mistaking that he was my father. His hair was cut short and graying, but you could still see the remaining bronze that was scattered throughout. His eyes were the same emerald green as mine, only they were darker. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, but there was no soul behind his. His face looked hard and much older than I remembered, but twenty years in prison will do that to a man. I couldn't help but wonder if this is what I would see when I looked in the mirror in twenty years.

"People don't call me Eddie anymore," I said defiantly. The truth was I didn't _let_ people call me that anymore. There were only two people that ever called me that. One of them was lying six feet under in East Grove Cemetery and I was staring at the other one.

He just smirked at me as if he knew something I didn't.

We sat there in silence for what seemed like an eternity. I didn't know how to start a conversation like this. Not to mention that he wasn't the easiest guy to talk to.

"Alright then,_ Edward_, do you mind telling me why you are here? It's been twenty years since I last laid eyes on you, so there must be a reason for your being here.

I sat there for a minute trying to gather the courage for this discussion.

"Don't be such a fucking baby, just say it already. I don't have all god damned day," he said impatiently.

The way he spoke to me, as if he could intimidate me like I was still that same scared little boy cowering in the corner, pissed me off. I felt a familiar rage building inside me.

"Actually you piece of shit, you do have all day. And last I heard, it's going to be quite a while before you are considered for parole again, if ever, so I can take as much time as I god damn please," I said with a smirk. I had to admit it felt good to put him in his place after all this time.

He sat there a few minutes absorbing my words, watching for some sign that I wasn't as confident as I was acting. I watched as realization crept over his face and then anger flashed in his eyes. I knew that look.

"You're the reason my parole got denied, aren't you?" he asked. There was a time that the look in his eyes would have sent shivers up my spine, but not now.

I just sat there and smiled. I didn't need to answer a question he clearly knew the answer to. Besides, I was the one who deserved answers.

"Tell me about the night that mom died," I said.

"Are you fucking kidding me? You came all this way for that? Hell, you were there. You had a front row seat. What could I possibly tell you that you don't already know?"

_I saw her come out of the bedroom with her suitcase in one hand. He was stalking after her like she was his prey. She had promised me we would leave tonight. She told me that we wouldn't have to be afraid anymore. We were going to leave him and never come back. She promised._

"_I'm leaving Edward. I can't live like this anymore." _

_He chased after her, grabbing her arm and pulling her around to face him as she stood at the top of the stairs._

"_You will leave when I fucking say you leave, bitch. You are mine." _

"I want to know _why_ you did it? Was it because she wanted to leave you? You didn't love her, why couldn't you just let her leave? Then she'd be alive and I wouldn't have to be here holding back the urge to throw up from the mere sight of you."

He rolled his eyes. He actually rolled his eyes fucking eyes like I asked him to repeat his order at a god damned drive thru window.

"Listen you piece of shit, I don't care if you don't want to talk to me. I don't care if you don't think this is worth your time. You killed my mother that night and I have every god damn reason to know why," I said, seething with hatred for this man that irrevocably altered my life.

"Well, well, look who thinks he is a bad ass. Little Eddie thinks he is all grown up and can take down Daddy. I always knew you'd grow up to be like me. I bet you wanna punch me in fucking jaw right now too, don't ya?"

He was smirking. And yes, he was right. It was taking every ounce of my self control not to wipe that fucking smirk off his face for good. We sat there matching each others silence, neither one moving a muscle. Even after all these years he couldn't relinquish his control over a situation, over another person.

"I've got all night old man," I said with a humorless chuckle.

For the briefest of moments I thought I saw a flicker of pride behind his cold, dead eyes. Then he dragged his fingers through his hair.

"Christ, it was an accident, Edward. We were fighting and she slipped," he said, like he had rehearsed that speech over and over. I rolled my eyes. I actually got the feeling that he had told the lie so many times that he actually believed it.

"She didn't slip, you bastard. You pushed her and I saw it. Just because you managed to get a half way decent court appointed attorney who managed to get your sentence reduced doesn't make it the truth. Why couldn't you just let her leave?"

There was no emotion on his face. Nothing to tell me that he had any remorse for anything he had done. He just stared at me, searching for something on my face.

"Why are you really here Edward? You seem to have all the answers anyway, so what is it you need from me?" he asked genuinely interested.

"Answer my fucking question, you coward," I yelled, growing impatient. I knew that would make him talk. If there was one thing in the world my father didn't want to be called it was a coward. He spent his whole life making sure _he_ was the one people were afraid of.

"She was mine. She didn't get to leave," he yelled back, finally pushed to his limit.

His words were not a surprise to me. It was exactly what I had thought all these years. But hearing him finally say them out loud offered me some comfort. It felt like I was finally able to turn one page.

"Listen, you don't have to understand me. Your mother always said you were better than both of us and that you deserved better than what either of us could give you. Personally, I think she made you weak. My father was a mean, son of a bitch who knocked down anyone that crossed his path, including me and my mother. But at least he taught me how to be a man," he continued proudly.

I was speechless. He was actually proud of the type of man he was.

"You think that makes you a man? You think beating down a woman and child makes you something special? When you die, do you think anyone is going to miss you? Do you think I am going to give you or your worthless life another thought after I walk out that door? You killed the only person that ever loved you and now you are going rot in this place just like she is rotting in that cemetery," I said with years of pent up anger and resentment bubbling to the surface.

My father stared at me, searching for something in my eyes. I had to fight the urge to look away. As a little boy I learned very fast that if I made eye contact with him the beatings were always worse, but I was not that scared little boy anymore.

"You think you are better than me, Eddie boy?" he asked after a few minutes.

"_Sweetie, go watch television. You father and I are just having a little talk," she said, as he was grabbing her arm. I could see the welt on her cheek already starting to appear from where he had just hit her across the face. I stood there for an immeasurable amount of time debating what to do. I was barely six years old, but I had been a witness to their "little talks"my whole life. _

"_What are you looking at you little fucker. Go on, get out of here!" He said, kicking his foot in my direction like he was kicking a dog out of the way. He stumbled a little bit at the same time. He was drunk. He was always drunk._

"_Leave her alone," I said, trying to sound braver than I felt._

"_What did you say you son of a bitch?" He asked, sneering down at me as if I had just taken his last beer._

"_Did you hear that, Elizabeth? Your little boy thinks he is better than me," he laughed, as he turned my mom around so she was facing me._

"_Eddie, baby, please just go watch television. Mommy will take you out for ice cream when I am done talking to your Daddy, okay?" she said, her eyes silently begging for me to walk away. _

_I could see the fear in her eyes. She was not afraid for herself, she never was. She was afraid for me. She always wanted to protect me from him. _

"_Leave her alone," I yelled louder, hoping that my voice wasn't shaking as bad as my knees._

_Suddenly I felt a white hot pain across my cheek. I heard my mother scream._

"_Edward, stop! He's just a boy. Please. Hit me. Punish me," my mother said as she pulled on his arms, desperately trying to turn his focus back to her._

"_I will deal with you later, Elizabeth. But Eddie here needs to learn a thing or two about respect. You think you are better than me? I've got news for you. You are me. Just like I am my father and he was his father. You will grow up to be just like me. Why? Because you don't have a choice."_

Wasn't that why I was here? To find out if I was better than my father or destined to be just like him? How was what happened between Bella and I any different than what went on between my father and mother?

"Why did you tell me I didn't have a choice?" I asked my father as he stared at me.

"I don't know what you are talking about?" he asked, looking confused.

"You told me that I didn't have a choice. You said that I was going to grow up just like you. Why?" I said unable to hide the desperation in my voice.

My father sat there staring at me, searching for something in my eyes. I felt a chill run up my spine as I saw the first genuine smile creep across my father's face along with a look of pride.

"Now it all makes sense. You come here pretending to be in search of answers about your sainted mother's death when really you want to know if you are turning out just like me. So, tell me Edward, what's her name?"

"I don't know what you are talking about. This was a waste of time. I don't know why I came here in the first place," I said as I stood up to leave. My courage and resolve were suddenly wavering and I didn't want him to be witness to my weakness.

"Now, now Eddie boy, don't leave now. We are just getting to the good stuff. So, tell me. Who's the little bitch you've been smacking around? I hope you taught her a thing or two about respect," he said with a cruel smile.

As much as what he said angered me, he was right. Only he could answer my questions. I slowly sat back down and took a deep breath.

"That's more like it. Now, you didn't answer my question. What's her name?" he asked with a smile on his face. He knew he still had power over me and he was enjoying every minute of it.

"I'm not going to talk about her. You don't deserve to even speak her name. Just answer the fucking question. Why were you so sure that I was going to grow up to be like you?" I asked. Once again I felt like that scared little boy, trying to sound braver than I really was.

"Does it matter? It looks like I was right," he said with a laugh as he shifted in his seat so he could lean in towards me. It was as if he was watching a movie and he was on the edge of his seat waiting to find out what was going to happen next. He was enjoying every minute of my discomfort and pain.

"You don't know anything. You don't get to sit there in your prison jumpsuit and make judgments about my life based on a five minute conversation. Either answer my question or I'm leaving," I said.

I knew he was the only one that could answer my questions, but I also knew that I wouldn't allow myself to be subjected to his cruelty if he wasn't willing to quit playing his games and be honest.

He looked at me for a moment before shrugging his shoulders and leaning back in his seat again.

"I said it because I meant it. Despite the fact that your mother thought you were better than us and that you were destined for something greater, I knew you would end up just like me. I was just like you at one time. I was once a scared little momma's boy always hiding behind her apron strings. Then one day my father took me out back and knocked some sense into me. He kicked my ass every day until the day came that I kicked his ass back. I heard he spent a few days in the hospital with three broken ribs and a punctured lung, but I didn't stick around long enough to find out. I left town and met your mother shortly after that. Never looked back."

My father was looking at me, but through me. It was like he was somewhere else in that moment, remembering something from his past.

"I was determined to make you into the same kind of man my father made me. I thought maybe I had failed since your mother was always so damn protective of you. She barely let me lay a hand on your head. I'll give her credit though. She was always willing to take your beatings for you. She was a lot tougher than I gave her credit for. Despite what you think, I did love her," he continued.

"I guess the few licks I got in did their job after all, huh?" he said with pride as he looked back to me.

I felt sick. All those times my mother would fight with my father were to protect me. She thought I was worth fighting for. I had been so focused on what I thought my father saw in me that I never even considered what my mother saw in me. Suddenly I was reminded of Bella. I never let myself see what she saw in me either.

"She was tougher than you. She died fighting for something she thought was important. We were going to leave you that night. She was going to take me away from you so that you couldn't hurt me anymore. She didn't care what happened to her as long as she got me away from you. So even though she died, she got what she wanted. She won. You lost," I said, feeling like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.

My father opened his mouth to say something but I hung up the phone before I could hear another word. His words meant nothing to me anymore; he held no power over me anymore.

I walked out of the prison and didn't look back. I didn't have to be what my father wanted me to be. I had a choice. I always had a choice. My mother gave me that choice the night she died.

As I drove back into town I wanted so badly to go to Bella. I could only imagine what was going through her mind after what happened last night. I was sure Alice had filled her in on what she knew, but Bella deserved to hear it from me. All of it. I knew there was a strong possibility she would not be able to forgive me for the secrets I'd kept from her. I also knew that losing Bella for good would probably break me in ways I had yet to even imagine, but this wasn't not about me.

But before I could face Bella, I had to take care of this thing with Tanya. I knew that bitch well and I knew I was not the father of that baby. She was hiding something and I had to find out what it was.

I knocked on her door and waited. I knew she was home, I saw her car out front. I knocked again.

"Tanya, open the fucking door. We need to talk," I said, as I pounded on the door. I was in no mood to deal with her craziness, but it was all an ends to a means I suppose. _Figure this shit out and you can go talk to Bella._

Finally the door swung open. Tanya stood there looking, quite honestly, like shit. It was three in the afternoon, but she was still wearing her robe and pajamas. Her eyes were red and puffy like she had been crying. I know I should've had more sympathy for the supposed mother of my child, but in all honesty I didn't give two shits.

"Edward, what do you want? I don't have time for this right now," she said, as she turned around and made her way into the kitchen. As I walked further into the apartment I noticed a broken vase in the corner with flowers scattered all over the floor.

"Funny, I always thought you liked roses," I said, as I pointed to the broken vase on the floor.

Tanya rolled her eyes and poured herself a cup of coffee. I noticed her hands were shaking as she poured the coffee. Again, whatever her problem was did not concern me. The only thing that mattered was getting to the truth about this baby situation.

"Edward, if you are here to talk about the baby, save it. I am getting rid of it. So you can run back to your precious Bella and be done with me," she said, as she turned back around to face me.

I didn't want to be Tanya's baby daddy for anything in the world, but I was pretty sure that _if_ this was my baby I should have a say in whether it lived or died.

"What the fuck, Tanya? You tell me I am going to be a father and then you tell me you are going to kill it? That shit doesn't fly with me. I want nothing more than to have you out of my life for good, but not at the expense of my child's life. I won't let you do it, Tanya," I said, feeling surprisingly attached to a baby that I wasn't even sure was mine.

Suddenly the prospect of being a father felt very real to me. I had never given it much thought, being a parent. In fact I was pretty sure I would be a terrible father. Something about the apple not falling far from the tree sprung to mind, but then I was reminded of Carlisle. Not all of my fatherly examples were bad.

I was pulled away from my musings about my possible impending fatherhood by Tanya's sobs.

"Why couldn't he say that? I thought he loved me," she said, in between sobs.

"Wait, what? Who are you talking about?" I asked feeling confused.

"Edward, just leave. You are off the hook. I'm not having the baby and now everyone is happy, okay?" she asked, as she wiped her tears away with the sleeve of her robe.

I stood there looking at Tanya trying to figure out what she was rambling about during her meltdown. Suddenly it clicked.

"Wait a minute. I _knew_ I wasn't the father. You lying bitch! You were willing to destroy my life because the real father wants nothing to do with you or the baby, right?" I yelled.

She started to sob uncontrollably. It took her a few minutes before she calmed down enough to respond to my accusations.

"Edward, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. Bella was standing there asking who the father was and I panicked. I hadn't even told him yet. I've made a mess of everything and I don't know how to fix it," she said as she hiccupped after her crying had slowed down.

"Who's the father, Tanya?" I said calmly.

She stood there silently looking at me.

"Tanya, answer the fucking question," I said, growing impatient with her theatrics.

"It's Felix," she said as she broke down into tears again.

Now it all made sense.

"So you are the woman that has been sleeping around with your best friend's boyfriend? Classy, Tanya, really classy. So let me guess, you thought Felix would welcome this baby with open arms and the two of you would ride off into the sunset. Did you even think about what this would do to Heidi or are you such a selfish bitch that you don't even care?"

At this point she was crying so hard that I couldn't even understand what she was saying. Truthfully, it didn't matter what she had to say. Any respect I had for Tanya was officially gone. But I did pity her. I couldn't imagine how alone she must have been feeling at this point in her life. I was sure she had no one around her to give her any worthwhile advice so I took it upon myself to offer mine. _For whatever it was worth._

"I'm not going to tell you what to do, but just make sure any decisions you make regarding this baby is because it is the right decision for _you,_ not because of what Felix or Heidi want. Some choices can't be taken back."

Those words stuck in my throat as I thought back to the choices my mother made. It would have been so much easier for her to stay with my father. He might have eased up on her if she hadn't always tried to protect me. She might still be alive if she hadn't decided to leave him to protect me. _Some choices can't be taken back_.

Tanya could only nod her head as I made my way out of the apartment. I didn't envy the predicament she had herself in, but I was relieved to know that I was out of it. There was only one place person I wanted to see at this point. Bella.

After checking in with my parents about what happened when I visited my dad and checking in at the restaurant, I made my way to Bella's. I expected to see lights on in her living room or at least the glare of the television coming from her bedroom window. There was something eerily quiet about the place. Even the front porch light was off.

I walked up the front steps and rang the door bell. I watched for a light to come on from any where inside, but there was no change.

I knocked again. A little louder than was probably necessary, but I was starting to panic. Something didn't feel right. I walked around the side of the building. I picked up a few pebbles and tossed them at her window.

"Bella? Bella?" I whisper screamed in the direction of her window. If she was asleep I didn't want to scare her.

Again, no lights came on. As I walked back around to the front I saw a car I didn't recognize parked on the street. I was pretty sure that car wasn't here when I first pulled up.

I made my way back to the front steps. I was just about to knock one more time before I pulled out my phone to call her when I heard an all too familiar voice.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

I cringed at the sound of the voice and the possible implications of its presence here at Bella's.

**Chapter Song: Like Suicide by Soundgarden**

Heard it from another room  
Eyes were waking up just to fall asleep  
Love's like suicide  
Dazed out in a garden bed  
With a broken neck lays my broken gift  
Just like suicide

And my last ditch  
Was my last brick  
Lent to finish her  
Finish her

Bit down on the bullet now  
I had a taste so sour  
I had to think of something sweet  
Love's like suicide  
Safe outside my gilded cage  
With an ounce of pain  
I wield a ton of rage  
Just like suicide

With eyes of blood  
And bitter blue  
How I feel for you  
I feel for you

She lived like a murder  
How she'd fly so sweetly  
She lived like a murder  
But she dies  
Just like suicide

* * *

Okay, so there was Eddie Sr. Quite a piece of work, huh? No wonder Edward is so screwed up. And for those of you worried that Edward is magically fixed, please be patient. He still has a long road ahead of him, he just finally realizes that he has a choice in who he becomes. No one said that would be an easy road though.

As usual, the chapter song is located on my profile. I think it really fits what Edward (and his mother) had to endure at the hands of his father.

Okay, so please leave me some love and let me know what you are thinking. A teaser will be going out to anyone who reviews. Thanks again for reading/reviewing my story. Much love to you all! xoxo Dana


	14. Collateral Damage

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. However, I do own this story. Please do not plagiarize or duplicate without my consent.

Alright folks, here is another chapter from EPOV. I think it is important that he see that his mistakes and poor choices have affected everyone around him, not just him and Bella. The next chapter is from BPOV and we are going to find out what she has been up to. I hope you will all be pleasantly surprised to see what she has decided to do.

I wanted to give a shout out to my lovely reviewers: (**grabadietcoke, ronami, coloradoperson, romanceisbliss and liveindakota; as well as to my newbie reviewers: boogiejo78 & melee03**). Thank you so much for taking the time to leave me some love. Sometimes it is the only thing that keeps me writing this crazy story.

A special shout out to my girl Sarah Jane- thanks for being there the past couple of weeks. You have kept me sane and entertained! XOXO

The chapter song is "Cold Desert" by Kings of Leon. There is a link on my profile of the video with lyrics. Check it out if you want! Thanks!

Also, I am having a hard time coming up with a song for the next chapter. Like I said, it is from BPOV and it is really going to get into how hurt and betrayed she feels. If any of my fabulous readers have a song they think might work, let me know! Thanks!

Okay, as usual- leave me some love at the end and you will get a teaser for the next chapter. Don't forget, it is from BPOV, so we have some good stuff coming our way! Enjoy! xoxo Dana

* * *

**Chapter 14 ~ Collateral Damage**

"Good evening, Chief Swan," I said, as I turned around to face Bella's dad. _Also known as my executioner, folks._

"Maybe you didn't hear me. What the fuck are you doing here?" Charlie said slowly and deliberately while taking a few steps closer in my direction.

Instinctively, I took a few steps back. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he knew what had happened between Bella and me. I figured, at this point, complete honesty was probably the best route to go.

"Sir, I wanted to talk to Bella. I have a few things I need to explain to her," I said cautiously. I could only imagine the different ways he wanted to kill me. Probably slowly and painfully. Hell, if it were my daughter I wouldn't have left me alive this long.

"She's not here and you are to stay away from her. Do you hear me you piece of shit?" he said as he stared me down.

I cleared my throat. It suddenly felt dry—like I had been lost in the desert for weeks. I fought to find my voice; to find my courage.

"Char…Chief Swan, I am sure Bella told you what happened and there aren't words to express how deeply sorry I am. There are things in my past that I am not proud of—things that I have kept from Bella, from everyone. I just need the chance to explain, so she can understand that what I did…I didn't...I…"

"Save it, Edward. I know about your past, well…I know enough. And I am not going to pretend that you have had it easy, but that does not excuse you for the hell you have put my daughter through all these years," he said, cutting me off from my rambling explanation.

"I know that, sir. I just need to see Bella so I can—"

"No," he said, cutting me off again.

"No?" I asked, unsure of what unasked question he was answering.

"No, you will not see my daughter again," he said such conviction and assurance that only a fool would dare argue with him.

"Sir, with all due respect, don't you think that is something you should let Bella decide?" I asked, swallowing loudly. _I never said I was a smart man, folks._

Anger flashed behind his eyes as I watched him reach for his holster. I panicked as I realized that he was going for his gun. I was frozen in the spot where I stood, unsure of whether to run for my life or take what I deserved.

Slowly, he lifted his hand back up and that's when I saw the cigarettes in his hand. I silently breathed a sigh of relief.

I took notice of his face as he lit a cigarette. He looked pensive, like he was trying to figure out the solution to a difficult problem. _Yeah, like where the best place is to bury you so no one will find your body._

He took a long, purposeful drag off his cigarette and then dropped it on the ground.

"I quit smoking years ago, but every once in a while things get a little too tense and they help mellow me out," he said, as he put the cigarette out with the toe of his boot.

I simply nodded my head in understanding. He took a deep breath and slowly let it out.

"I'm going to say the same thing to you that I said to Bella. I don't like you, Edward. I don't like the two of you together and I don't like the person Bella becomes when she is with you. She can do better and she deserves better," he said.

I couldn't even argue with him. You can't argue with the truth.

"But Bella is going to do what Bella wants to do. She is stubborn like that, comes by it naturally I suppose. So, you are right. I can't force Bella to stay away from you. But, you both need to figure your shit out. Until then, stay away from each other," he said, as he looked me in the eyes for any sign that I was going to argue with him again.

"Yes sir," I said. I may not be a smart man, but I didn't have a death wish.

"Chief Swan? I promise I will leave Bella alone for a while. But you could just tell me where she is? I just need to know that she is okay."

"I said she's not here. That's all you need to know for now. The only reason I came by is because a neighbor called the police after seeing a suspicious person peeking in the windows," he said pointedly.

"Good night, Edward," he said, effectively ending our discussion. He turned around and started to head for his car.

"Oh, and Edward," he said as he turned back around to face me, "if you ever lay a hand on Bella again, if she doesn't kill you, I will."

I didn't doubt him for one minute.

"Sir, if I ever lay a hand on Bella again, I'll kill myself," I said sincerely.

He looked at me for a moment, shrugged his shoulders and said, "Suit yourself."

I sat on the curb for a little while staring at Bella's apartment. I knew she wasn't in there, but I still kept waiting for some sign of life. The idea of not knowing where Bella was scared me more than anything. I didn't know what she was thinking or how badly she was hurting. All I wanted in that moment was to hear her voice. I didn't need to hear that she forgave me—I just needed to know she was okay.

I picked up my phone and stared at it for a while. Her dad didn't say anything about calling her. I must have pressed the speed dial for her number and hung up a hundred times. I finally managed to gather my courage and pressed it again. I slowly placed the phone to my ear and waited for it to ring.

"_I'm sorry, you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you think you have received this message in error, please —"_

I hung up the phone and dialed again, thinking that maybe in my state I had pressed the wrong button.

"_I'm sorry, you have reached a number that has been disconnected—"_

Suddenly, feeling panicked I hung up the phone and dialed her home number.

"_I'm sorry, you have reached a number—"_

"Fuuuuuck!" I screamed at nobody and everybody as I threw my phone down on the ground, breaking it into a dozen pieces.

She disconnected her phone. No matter how bad things had ever gotten between us she had never changed her number. She always made sure I knew that if I ever needed her, I could always call her. I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat and stood up.

Suddenly, I felt so utterly and completely alone. The sense of loss knocked the breath out of me. Bella could be anywhere in the world at this moment and I had absolutely no idea how to find her.

I made my way up the steps feeling completely unsure of the welcome I would, or would not, receive. The sense of déjà vu was overwhelming. At least I was sober this time.

I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. I heard the click of the locks as whoever was on the other side proceeded to open the door.

"Hey, man," Jasper said solemnly, as he jerked his chin in my direction, "come on in."

I smiled at my friend and hesitantly walked into the dimly lit house. Alice was sitting on the couch wrapped tightly under a blanket. As she looked up at me, I noticed how red and swollen her eyes were. Clearly mine and Bella's relationship wasn't the only one I had damaged.

"Hey, Alice," I said softly, not really sure what it was I should be saying in this moment.

I had always known if Bella found out that Alice had been keeping my secret from her it would be bad.

_3 years earlier_

_It was a bad night. I had been having a lot of those lately. Ever since Bella left I had been lost. I had fallen into a destructive routine. I'd go out at night, get drunk, and find some random girl to take home in hopes of fucking Bella out of my mind, my heart, my soul. It wasn't working. I'd kick the girl out of bed as soon as I was done with her. No sense in keeping her around for longer than necessary, right? _

_Once I was alone, I'd toss and turn all night. I couldn't get comfortable because the bed just felt too damn cold and empty without her. Eventually I'd get tired of trying to sleep and get up and drink some more. I thought maybe that would take away the pain. But all it did was remind of the man that got me into this mess anyway. _

_He thought drinking his problems away was the solution too. But where did that get him? Rotting in an eight by ten cell in the state prison two towns over. Just thinking about him made me throw up. Or maybe that was the fifth of Jack Daniels I'd been drinking all day. What difference did it make, I was sick. Sick in the head and it was his fault. He made me this way. _

_So that was how I ended up here. Swaying in the place where I stood, trying to focus long enough to find the god damned doorbell. Finally I found the button I was looking for. _Ding dong_. I pressed it again. _Ding dong._ I was getting impatient. I knew it had to be late, but isn't this was what friends were for? Mi casa es su casa and all that shit, right?_

"_Edward? What are you doing here? Do you have any idea how late it is?" Alice asked sleepily as she opened the door to let me in._

"_I'm sorry. It's all his fault. He didn't give me a choice. I don't want to be like this, like him, like my father. I don't want to be afraid of myself anymore. I just don't know how to make it stop."_

_I heard this voice talking, spilling all my innermost secrets and I wondered who it was. Why won't he shut up? _Shut up asshole, you are telling her too much.

"_Edward, what are you talking about?" _

_Alice sounded worried but I couldn't see her face. I was already laying face down on the couch. I could only hope whoever it was that kept telling her these things, these horrors, would shut up. I just didn't have it in me to fight him too. I have been fighting my whole life and tonight I was just too damn tired._

"_Do you know what he did to her? I do. I saw it. I saw it all. You can't let me do that to her, Alice. Please don't let me hurt Bella."_

_That stupid fucking voice was still talking as everything went black and I finally succumbed to the sleep that had been evading me for so long._

_I woke up the next morning in Alice and Jasper's guest bed. I hated this fucking bed. Why are there fucking babies staring at me? _

"_Good morning sunshine," I heard Alice's melodic voice coming up the stairs. Why does she always have to be so god damned chipper? I groaned into the pillow and hoped she would go away. Suddenly I felt the blankets being ripped off me. _No such fucking luck.

"_Go away, Alice," I said, trying to sound as intimidating as possible. _

"_You are sleeping in my fucking guest bed thanks to my generosity so I would be a little more grateful if I was you."_

_Alice sat on the edge of the bed and handed me a cup of coffee. _

"_I'm sorry. You are right. I just feel like shit. And speaking of your guest bed, why in the hell do you have this thing?"_

"_What? You don't like it?" Alice said with a pout on her face. Anyone meeting Alice for the first time would completely buy the sad, puppy dog eyes that Alice was so good at giving. _

"_Don't give me that look, Alice. It doesn't work on me anymore. But seriously, this is not exactly your taste."_

_Alice sighed. "I know. My mother gave it to Jasper and I as a house warming gift. It is an old family heirloom. I don't think it is that bad. Besides, it is huge! You could fit four people in this bed comfortably."_

"_What the hell is going on around here that you need to fit four people in a bed, Alice" I laughed while trying to avoid a mental picture of what her and my best friend may be doing in the bed I just slept in._

_Alice laughed. _

"_I just mean that it is comfortable. Some beds are too small. It feels like you are sleeping right on top of someone."_

_I rolled my eyes. It was easy to take for granted having someone sleeping beside you when they are there every night. I'd give everything I have to feel Bella beside me again._

"_Where is Jasper anyway? I don't remember seeing him when I came in last night."_

"_I am surprised you remember anything about last night. Why do you let yourself get like that? I know you miss Bella, but she wouldn't want to see you like that," Alice said, sounding genuinely concerned._

"_Yeah, well, Bella doesn't really get a say in that anymore does she? Besides, last time I fucking checked she wasn't anywhere around anyway."_

_But now that she mentioned it, my memories of last night were scattered at best. I didn't even remember how I got here. _

_Alice rolled her eyes and ignored my comment about Bella. _

"_Jasper is out of town on business. He is due back later today. You are welcome to stick around if you want to talk to him. I told him you were here."_

"_Thanks Alley Cat, but I need to get home."_

_To what? There is nothing there waiting for you. _

_I got up slowly trying to keep the headache that I knew was waiting to attack at bay. It didn't work._

"_Fuck!" I yelled, as I grabbed my head. _

"_Here, take two of these." _

_Alice handed me two white pills. Maybe if I was lucky she was trying to poison me. Put me out of my misery._

"_If they don't help soon I've got more aspirin in the medicine cabinet."_

_There goes that theory._

_I noticed Alice staring at me as I took the aspirin. She had a weird look on her face. It kind of reminded me of the look I saw when…_

"_Why are looking at me like that, Alice?"_

"_Edward, you said some things last night. I don't really understand them. I was…I was hoping you could explain because to be honest I am more than a little worried about you," Alice said slowly, her face reflecting a mix of fear and sadness. _

_I hated that look. That look that means people are feeling sorry for you. That look that says people think you are hopeless. Too broken for repair. I have seen that look so many times in my life. Social workers, therapists, teachers, doctors. I hated that fucking look._

"_Alice, I don't know what you are talking about," I said, as I made my way up out of the bed. I was scrambling to find my shoes and shirt. I wanted to get out of there as quick as possible because even though I didn't know what I said, I knew Alice wasn't going to let it drop._

_But there was a small voice telling me to talk to her. Maybe because it had been so long since I had talked to anyone or maybe because I was as crazy as I thought I was._

"_Edward, please. You can trust me."_

"_Alice, I don't know what I told you, but you can never tell Bella. Please."_

_I didn't realize I had stopped looking for my clothes and had sat down on the bed. Alice and I sat there staring at each other for what seemed like eternity._

_Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. _

"_What did I say last night, Alice?" I knew I didn't want an answer to that question, but at the same time I couldn't walk out of here without knowing what I had said._

_Alice had a pained look on her face. She looked like just thinking about my words caused her physical harm._

"_You said you didn't want to be like your father. You said he didn't give you a choice."_

_I tried to keep my face free of any emotion._

"_What else did I say, Alice." _

_I might as well know exactly what kind of damage control I needed at this point._

"_You said that you saw what he did to her? Who were you talking about, Edward?"_

"_What else, Alice? What else did I say to make you look at me the way you are looking at me right now," I said in a controlled calm voice, trying to mask my fear. Because whether I remembered it or not, I knew what I said to her._

"_You asked me not to let you hurt Bella like he hurt her." _

_Alice swallowed hard. I could see the pain and concern in her eyes. She wasn't afraid that I would hurt her, she was afraid for her best friend. There it was. I had said nothing and everything. I had said nothing that made any sense but everything she needed to hear to change the way she would see me forever._

_I pinched the bridge of my nose as I let out a long breath. _

_After I filled her in on the basics of my tortured childhood, Alice stood there with tears streaming down her face. _

"_But I don't understand. Why don't you want Bella to know what happened?"_

"_Because she will want to fix me," I said sadly._

"_So?" Alice asked knowing I was right. _

"_So what if _this_ can't be fixed?"_

_Alice stood there staring at me. _

"_Promise me, Alice." _

"_Do you know what this will do to our friendship if she finds out I kept this from her? She will never forgive me."_

_There was a good possibility she was right. But I never planned on Bella finding any of this out, so it didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was keeping Bella safe._

"_She won't find out," I said, sounding more sure of myself than I really was._

"_Promise me, Alice," I continued._

_She stood there staring at me for a moment, searching my eyes for something. Suddenly, I felt like the devil forcing her to sign over her soul. But my intentions were pure. I only wanted to protect Bella._

"_I promise," she squeaked out through her tears._

_I turned around and walked out the door. As soon as the door was shut I felt the tears coming down my face. I could only hope Alice would keep her promise._

_Present_

"Edward," she whispered, without making eye contact with me.

We all sat there in silence for a while. There were a thousand things I wanted to say to both Alice and Jasper, but I couldn't get the words out. Everything I wanted to say was being drowned out by the one question I needed to know the answer to more than anything.

"Have you talked to Bella?" I asked Alice tentatively.

I watched as Alice's jaw tightened at my question. I knew what was coming and I silently braced myself for it.

"Do you mean after she came running here because you attacked her or since she found out that I had been keeping a rather important secret from her for years?" she asked bitterly.

"Alice, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for things to end up like this."

Alice stood up off the couch and started pacing.

"Exactly how _did_ you intend for things to end up, Edward?"

"I…I wanted…"

I didn't know how to answer that question because I never really planned it out that far. My only goal was to make sure that Bella never got hurt. _How'd that turn out for you, jackass?_

"That's my point, Edward. It was always about what _you_ wanted. Did it matter to you that I didn't want to keep your little secret? No! Did it matter to you that I begged you to tell Bella? No! You never once stopped to think how this would affect the rest of us," she screamed.

I didn't try to argue. I didn't try to convince her that she wrong.

"Alice, you are right. I can't do anything to change the mistakes I have already made, but I can try to make sure I don't make anymore. So please, if you know where I can find Bella, you have to tell me," I begged.

She sat back down and sighed.

"I don't know where she is. Her phones are disconnected and she isn't at home. I have been calling her over and over since she left last night, but she's disappeared. If I had to guess, I'd say she took the job in LA. We didn't give her much of a reason to stick around, did we?"

Los Angeles? I had completely forgotten about that. Would she really run off to LA without as much as a goodbye to her friends?

"Do you really think she'd do that, Alice?" I asked.

"I don't know what she'd do at this point. And since she isn't talking to me, I don't have any way of finding out," Alice responded resentfully.

"Ahem," Jasper cleared his throat from the corner of the room.

"I talked to her last night, she's not going to LA," he continued quietly.

Alice jerked her head in Jasper's direction. Based on the look on her face she was feeling pretty much the same as I was—betrayed, shocked.

"What did you say?" Alice asked Jasper through gritted teeth, as she stood up and slowly walked towards Jasper.

"I said that I talked to her. She's not taking the job," Jasper said calmly and matter-of-factly.

"You've watched me call her over and over, begging her to call me, to let me know that she is okay and you have known since _last night?"_ Alice demanded.

"Alice, slow down. I am sure Jasper can explain."

Alice looked at me like I had two heads. She was pissed. Pissed at me. Pissed at Jasper. Pissed at herself. I could only hope Jasper had a reasonable explanation for his behavior.

"Of course I can explain, Edward. Just like you always explain why you get to make decisions for every one around you without ever asking them their opinion," Jasper answered.

"So that's how it is, Jasper?" I asked in disbelief.

"We've been friends a long time, right Edward?" Jasper asked, as he walked closer to where Alice and I stood.

As I took in the scene before me I couldn't help but be reminded of an old gangster movie. The ones where everyone is standing in a circle and they all suddenly draw a gun on one another. I didn't recognize the faces before me as friends, either one of them could have pulled a gun out on me at any moment and I wouldn't have been the least bit surprised.

I nodded my head in silent agreement to Jasper's question.

"Then explain to me why it is acceptable for you to expect my wife to keep a secret of this magnitude from me all this time," he asked.

"Jasper, I…I was—" I stammered.

"I'm not done," he said, as he held out his hand to silence me.

"Explain to me, Alice, why it is acceptable for you to withhold this information from your supposed best friend?" he continued, as he looked towards Alice.

Alice had silent tears streaming down her face.

"Jasper, it wasn't like that. I didn't—"

Jasper shook his head.

"You two do not get to stand there and judge me and Bella. She needed someone to talk to and you didn't leave her with many options. So, that being said, I will not apologize for keeping this from you. Instead of being so quick to point the blame at everyone else, why don't the two of you look in the mirror and accept responsibility for the choices you made."

The three of us stood there in silence for an immeasurable amount of time. I saw the hurt etched across Jasper's face, no matter how brave and tough he was trying to be. I saw the devastation and fear on Alice's face. Suddenly, I realized just how much damage my poor choices had done. I couldn't help but wonder if things would ever be the same again.

"Jasper, I don't get it. You knew I was keeping this secret. I told you about it even when Edward asked me not to. Why are you so mad now?" Alice pleaded.

"I was never happy with the situation, Alice, you knew that. I made it perfectly clear that I thought you were both fools for keeping this from Bella and yet you still did it. I told you I didn't want to see Bella hurt, and look at where we are now…" Jasper trailed off as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"Jasper, listen to me. Please do not blame Alice for this. I didn't give her a choice. I came here one night, drunk and not thinking clearly and I asked her to do something that I had no right to ask of her. She was trying to be my friend, but I wasn't being much of one to her. If you want to hate someone, hate me. I can't be the reason you two are fighting," I begged.

"Christ, Edward, even when you apologize, you find a way to make everything about you. So, you don't really care if we are fighting, you just don't want to be the reason why?" Alice yelled.

"No, that's…no. I am just trying to make things right. I've made a mess of everything and I am trying to fix what I can the best way I know how," I stammered, dragging my fingers through my hair.

Alice sat down on the couch and put her head in her hands. I couldn't hear her crying, but I could tell by the way her body was shaking that she was.

I looked at Jasper as he watched Alice. I knew he wanted to go to her, but instead he stood there, unmoving, unwilling to take the first step.

"Jasper," I whispered.

I saw a tear fall down his cheek as he looked up at me. I jerked my head in Alice's direction expecting him to go to her.

Jasper looked me in the eyes for only a moment before turning around and walking out the door. In that moment, Alice's silent tears became violent sobs. I made my way over to the couch and sat down beside her.

"I'm sorry, Alice. I will fix this, I swear," I whispered as I put my arm around her shoulder.

She shook my arm off and stood up. She wiped her tears with the sleeve of her shirt and looked me in the eyes.

"I don't know who in our little group appointed you God, but you can't fix everything."

She turned around and started to walk upstairs.

"You know your way out," she added, as I watched her walk away.

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	15. Picking up the Pieces

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. However, I do own this story. Please do not plagiarize or duplicate without my consent.

First of all, I want to give a shout out to my new reviewers: **Vivarobsten, Lili82, manolomel9, shlly, tkeaton1 and melee03**. Thanks so much for taking the time to review. Xoxo

As always, much love to my regular reviewers. xoxoxo Keep them coming…you ladies keep me inspired.

Second of all, another shout out to my girl (and biggest fan-her words not mine) **LiveInDakota**. She helped me out with this chapter and I love her for it (among many other reasons)! xoxo

Now, usually I have a chapter song picked out. But, this time-I had a really hard time picking one out. I managed to narrow it down to two songs. SO- I am going to leave it up to you, my amazing readers, to pick out which one makes the cut.

The songs are: "Impossible" by Shontelle (http:/www .youtube .com/watch?v=gCSOeMZ6424) and "Drive" by Incubus (http:/www .youtube .com/watch?v=slRNXrn_5vE). Both of these videos have the lyrics as well, so give them a listen (don't forget to remove the spaces when you copy and paste) and let me know which one you like the best.

Ok, so finally we get to see what Bella has been up to and thinking. This chapter picks up from the moment she walks away from Alice.

As usual, if you leave me a review (or vote for the chapter song), I will send you a teaser for Chapter 16. So do it! Come on, you know you want to! LOL

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**Chapter 15 ~ Picking up the Pieces**

_Previously_

"_So this is what it feels like to know something no one else does. I must admit, it feels good. I can see why everyone loves keeping things from me. It is nice to feel in control of someone, isn't it? You are a smart girl, Alice, figure it out." _

_And I walked out the door never feeling more alone and lost in my life. _

During the walk to my apartment I contemplated the decision I had made as I left Alice's. In the heat of my anger I had truly decided I would take the job in LA. After all, most of the reasons, or should I say people, that I had convinced myself were worth staying for, turned out to be liars. However, the more I thought about it, I knew I was making that choice for the wrong reasons. If I decided to take the job, it had to be because it was the right choice for _me_, not because I was running away from my problems. _Yet again._

As I walked in the door, my eyes immediately flew to the answering machine sitting on the table in the corner. After about the fifteenth call on my cell phone from Alice, I had turned it off. However, I knew Alice wouldn't give up that easy. I flipped through the caller ID—twenty-seven missed calls and eighteen messages, all from Alice. _Jesus Christ, Alice, that might be a new record._

I had to admit I was a little surprised that none of them were from Edward replaying his usual lines of "_I can explain" _and _"I'm sorry"_. You would think after all this time even _he_ would have been sick of hearing the same excuses over and over.

I took a deep breath, pressed play on my answering machine and waited for the full-court press from Alice.

Beep. _"Hey, it's Alice. There's something wrong with your cell phone; it just keeps going to voicemail. Anyway, please call me."_

Beep. "_Bella, you have to let me explain. Please call me back tonight, no matter how late. I'll be up. Okay…bye."_

Beep. _"Hey, its…well, you know. Just call, okay? Please."_

After more of the same, I quit listening. There was nothing she could say to make the hurt go away. I had been betrayed and lied to for years—by Edward and by her.

I flopped down on the couch and blew out a sharp breath. I thought about calling Rose and getting her opinion on the situation, but truth be told, I was embarrassed. I had been lied to by the two people that supposedly cared the most for me and I felt like a fool. I just didn't want to face any one else right now.

I was still baffled as to how things got to this point. This morning I was in Los Angeles being wined and dined by one of the top publishing companies in the country.

This afternoon I was on a plane home from said trip to Los Angeles convinced that I would be leaving too many important people behind if I took the job.

And now? Now, I suddenly felt like everything I built here…the friendships, the love, the memories; all of it was a lie, the past three years at least. I looked around my apartment at the photographs of the people I loved more than anything and it all felt wrong. Even though I knew running away to LA wasn't the answer, not right now at least, I also knew I couldn't stay here. I just didn't know where to go.

I jumped as the sound of the telephone ringing startled me out of my thoughts. It was Alice. _Of course._

I knew there were only two ways I was going to be rid of Alice—answer the phone or have it disconnected.

I decided to go with option one. _For now._

"Hello?" I barked.

"_Oh my god, Bella! I'm so glad you answered. I was so worried. Did you know your cell phone just keeps going to voicemail?" _Alice rambled.

"Probably because I turned it off. I don't really have anything to say to you, Alice." I responded coldly.

"_I know I screwed up and I'm so sorry. Edward put me in an awkward situation, but he is my friend too. Friends keep each others' secrets. I have kept plenty for you."_

How dare she throw that in my face. Granted, she was right. She has kept plenty of my secrets. We all have secrets that we don't want the others to know. But, we aren't talking about secrets like the fact that Jasper's favorite movie is _Steel Magnolias _and not _Fight Club _like he wants everyone to believe. _Alice told me that by the way._Or the fact that Rose had a nose job when she was seventeen.

This is a secret that has ultimately shaped and altered my life in ways no one else can understand for the past seven years and she knew about it for the past three. Maybe if I had been armed with all the information I wouldn't have made the same mistakes over and over again, as far as Edward and I were concerned.

This was, in no way, the same thing.

"_I know I should have never promised him I would keep his secret, but in my defense he kind of made me promise before I knew what the secret was. You know how manipulative Edward can be," _she continued.

Again, she was right. Edward had a way of getting you to agree to something before you even knew what it was. In fact, I used to joke with him that he could sell water to a drowning man and afterwards, the drowning man would say "thank you". Edward just had that way about him. It was one of the many things that drew me to him. But that was neither here nor there. The fact was, Alice had kept something from me that she had no right to keep.

"I get that, Alice, truly I do. But we aren't talking about keeping innocent little secrets amongst friends. Let me ask you a question. What if Jasper confided in me that he was cheating on you, but made me promise not to tell because he didn't want you to get hurt?"

"_But—" _she interrupted.

"How hurt and betrayed would you feel when you found out that I knew the truth and kept it from you?" I continued, without stopping to let her finish her thought.

My question was met with silence and the tears.

"_I know. You're right, but…it's just—" she stammered, trying to find a way to excuse her behavior._

"Instead, you were perfectly content to sit on the sidelines and manipulate mine and Edward's relationship," I interrupted.

"Now , I'm left questioning every little thing you did as far as Edward and I were concerned. Did you even tell him I wanted to come to the opening of his restaurant?" _Silence._

"How many messages did he ask you to relay to me that you conveniently forgot?" I continued. _More silence._

"While I don't excuse it, I expect this type of behavior from Edward. But not from you, Alice. Not from my best friend. I don't know how I can trust anything you say or do anymore. While you were so busy keeping Edward's secret, did you even stop to think about how this would affect our friendship when I found out?" I said, my voice cracking at the end as I tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall.

Hearing Alice's sobs through the phone were my undoing and I could no longer fight the tears I had been holding back. Never in my wildest dreams did I think Alice and I would be in this situation. I didn't lost my best friend tonight, I lost my sister—the only person I could ever truly count on in my life.

"_Bella, I…I…"_

I couldn't face the pain any more. In this moment, there was nothing left for either of us to say.

Rather than risk saying something I couldn't take back or doing anymore damage than was already done, I simply said the only thing left to say, "Goodbye, Alice."

I hung up the phone and felt my heart rip apart. I knew one day I would forgive Alice, I just didn't know when that day would be. As juvenile as it might have been, I just wasn't ready to let Alice off the hook.

I let out a frustrated growl when the phone rang again. I couldn't believe Alice was being so persistent. I couldn't stomach another round with her, so I let it go to voicemail.

Beep. _"Bella, it's your dad. I haven't seen you in ages. When are you going to home for a visit? Call me when you can."_

Suddenly, I knew where I was going. I ran to my bedroom and grabbed my suitcase. Without any thought, I started throwing whatever I could get my hands on into the bag. I would definitely have some explaining to do, showing up on my father's doorstep at this time of night, but it didn't matter.

I knew I had a lot to figure out and there was no way I'd be able to do it surrounded by so many reminders of what went wrong. Disappearing for a while was exactly what I had to do, and that included cutting off all communication from the outside world.

It was close to midnight and raining as I approached the outskirts of town. I decided I would give my dad a call so he wouldn't be startled by the sound of my truck.

The phone rang several times before I finally got an answer.

"_Hello?" _my dad answered the phone sleepily.

"Dad, hey, it's Bella. Sorry to call so late, but I am actually around the corner. Is that okay?" I asked.

"_Bella? Is everything okay? What number are you calling from?"_

I forgot. I had my cell phone number changed before I left. If I really wanted the peace to be able to figure this shit out, I had to do it without the relentless interfering from my friends. I also had my home phone disconnected. I wasn't sure when, or if, I would be going back—there was no need to be paying for something I wasn't using.

"I'm fine. I had my number changed. Long story. Listen, I'm pulling in. We'll talk in a few." I hung up the phone as I pulled into the driveway.

My dad was halfway out the door as I pulled in.

"Hey, Bells, what are you doing here this time of night? It's not very safe for you to be driving alone this late, especially in this rain," he said, as he reached out for my bags.

Just what I needed—yet another person in my life telling me what poor decisions I was making. Maybe coming here was a bad idea. Not that I had many options.

I let out a huge breath and climbed out of the cab of the truck.

"Jesus, it's like a thirty minute drive. What is the big fucking deal?" I exclaimed.

My hand immediately flew up to my cover my mouth. I hadn't realized my slip until it had already left my lips. I never...never, ever...cussed in front of my father. Apparently, the stress of the evening was finally starting to catch up with me and my patience was running thin.

"Don't use that kind of language, young lady. And I don't care how long of a drive it is, it's still too late for you to be out on these country roads alone. If something happened it could be hours before another car passed by to help you," my father said, chastising me like I was a little girl.

"Relax, Dad, I'm here now, safe and sound," I answered, as I made my way up the front walk. Between the wet ground and my natural inability to walk on a flat surface, I slipped.

Instinctively my dad gripped my arm to catch me before I fell. I winced at the not so gentle reminder of the fight between Edward and me. My reaction did not go unnoticed by my father either.

"Geez, I didn't grab you that hard, did I. You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just have a little bruise. No big deal," I replied, gently rubbing the sore spot on my arm.

My father narrowed his eyes at me. Before I could stop him, he reached out and lifted the sleeve of my shirt. My father gasped as he caught site of my injury. There was no mistaking exactly what it was. Even though it had only been a few hours, you couldn't help but see the perfectly formed bruise—one, two, three, four, five purple finger marks wrapped around my upper arm.

"What the hell, Bella?" my father bellowed.

I flinched as I covered my ears. Somehow I forgot how loud he could be when he was mad.

"It's no big deal. I'm fine," I said, trying to placate my enraged father.

"The hell it is! I do not call having my daughter show up on my doorstep in the middle of the night beaten and bruised "_fine"_. Now, tell me what happened, Isabella Marie," he yelled back. _Ah, he busted out the full name. He means business._

I rolled my eyes at his dramatic reaction. I was hardly beaten and bruised. _Well, I wasn't beaten, anyway. _

"Could we maybe _not_ have this discussion in the middle of the front yard?" I whisper screamed as I turned to make my way into the house.

When I walked into the house I was reminded of what a sad and lonely life my father led. There was an empty pizza box on the coffee table along with a few empty beer cans. A thick layer of dust coated almost every surface of the living room. I cringed at the thought of what the bathroom must look like. I silently scolded myself for not coming home more often.

I turned around and braced myself for the discussion I did not want to have.

"Alright, we're inside. What happened?" my father demanded.

"I…I got into an argument with someone. But, look, I am fine. It's just a bruise, nothing that won't heal in a few days." I wiggled my arm in the air for dramatic effect, trying to prove just how "fine" I was.

My father's face was unreadable. His lips were pressed into a hard line and his eyes showed no sign of emotion. I wasn't sure which I was more afraid of. "Loud, pissed off" dad or "silent, calculating" dad. I looked around the room and made a mental note as to the location of his gun. I wanted to make sure that thing stayed exactly where it was.

"It was Edward, wasn't it? Don't lie to me either," he replied.

I silently laughed. Like there was any point to me lying. Even the best liars couldn't fool him and I was a terrible liar.

"Yes, Dad, but…"

"Christ, Bella! I thought you had finally wised up where he was concerned. I didn't even realize you two were back together. Where's my gun?" he screamed.

Loud dad was back and he was pretty freaking scary.

"Dad, please...just calm down," I begged, as I steered him to the couch. _And away from his gun._

"I thought I raised you better than that, to have more self-respect. You can do so much better than _him_," he said sadly, as he put his face in his hands.

He sounded so sad and frustrated. I couldn't blame him. I was sad and frustrated too. And he was right. He did raise me to have more self-respect. But somewhere along the way I fell in love. And while I was busy being in love, I lost a little bit of myself. I could only hope it wasn't too late to find her again.

"You're right. I've made plenty of mistakes where Edward and I were concerned, but I am trying to fix that. I just need some time to figure out how," I cried. And I cried and I cried.

I was crying because I didn't know how Edward and I could ever recover from what had happened earlier today or from what he had kept from me. I was crying because I didn't know if I wanted us to recover. I was crying because I missed Alice. I was crying because I let my father down. I was crying because I had let myself down.

"I…I'm sorry I let you down. And I'm sorry for all the embarrassment this must have caused you at the station all these years. Things just got so out of hand. They were screwed up before I even realized it. How do you stop something from happening when you don't even know it's coming?" I continued to cry.

"Shhh, baby, you didn't let me down and I don't give two shits about what anyone down at the station thinks. It's you I'm concerned about," he said, as he wrapped me in a hug.

Finally, my tears ran dry and I was nothing more than a hiccupping mess. My dad excused himself to get us some drinks, but I was pretty sure it was because he was uncomfortable with my display of emotion. He isn't exactly Mr. Sensitive, so other people's emotional breakdowns pretty much scare the crap out of him. I was surprised he let me cry on his shoulder as long as he did.

"Here, drink this," he said, as he handed me a beer.

I eyed him dubiously. I had been well over the drinking age for quite a while now, but he still never offered me alcohol, especially in his house.

He chuckled as he took a sip from his own beer. "Just take it, Bella. I think we could both use a drink."

I took the beer and chugged. I liked to think the reason it tasted so good was because my throat was sore and dry from all my crying, but in reality, I just needed a drink.

My father and I sat there in comfortable silence for quite a while. I felt my eyes slowly starting to droop as I fought to stay awake. Just I was finally about to succumb to sleep, I was awakened by my father's voice and gentle shaking.

"Honey, why don't you go on up to bed? We'll talk more in the morning," he whispered.

I nodded my head and stood up. As I made my way up the stairs and made my way down the familiar path to my old room, I suddenly felt like such a failure. Here I was, trying to live my life as if I didn't need my parents' help, and where did I end up? Right back at home, sleeping in my old bed, still questioning what I was going to do with my life.

I locked myself in the bathroom and let myself breakdown yet again. I could only hope that somewhere in my flood of tears were the answers I was so desperately seeking.

I knew I couldn't sit around and wait for Edward to call. There was a very good chance that he would offer me no real answers as to what had happened earlier. There was an even better chance he wouldn't tell me the whole truth about his past. If I was going to start making informed decisions regarding my life I had to stop waiting for others to provide me with the answers. No longer was I going to allow myself to be a passenger in my own life.

As I climbed into bed I realized that people would start to get worried when they called and couldn't reach me on any of my old numbers. I didn't want to call Alice back. There was a good chance Rose and Emmett were in bed and had no clue what was going on anyway, so I didn't want to wake them at this hour. I was not about to call Edward. That only left one person.

I woke up Monday morning, with the sun rising in my bedroom window. In my haste to go to bed last night I forgot to close the curtains. I sighed. I was up now. No sense in trying to go back to sleep.

I quietly crept my way downstairs, trying not to wake my father. I wasn't ready for the discussion I knew he wanted to have. As I descended the stairs, the floorboard creaked as my foot made contact with the last step.

"Good morning, Bells. I see you forgot about that old creaky step. How many times did you get caught sneaking in or out because of that step?" my father chuckled from the kitchen.

_Damnit! _I should have known he would be up already.

"Morning, Dad. How'd you sleep?" I asked, trying to keep the conversation away from anything too serious.

I had my back to my dad as I poured my cup of coffee. I heard his newspaper rattle as he attempted to fold it back up. I heard him take a deep breath and blow it out. _Here it comes._

"Better than you, I suppose," he answered, as he made his way to the sink.

I wasn't sure what he meant by that. I slept fine aside from a few bad dreams. When I turned to face him I noticed the purple bags under his eyes.

"I doubt that. Have you looked in the mirror?" I chuckled.

"Have you?" he answered back, as he lifted the toaster up to my face.

I was shocked by what I saw. My hair was sticking up in all different directions except for a few stray pieces that had stuck to my head from what could only be sweat. My eyes were puffy and blood shot. I, too, had dark, purple bags under my eyes.

I didn't get it. I knew I had cried myself to sleep off and on last night and that I had a few bad dreams, but I looked like I had been hit by a car. I suppose that was appropriate considering that was how I felt.

"Honey, you were up all night screaming and crying. I went in to check on you one time, thinking you were awake, but when I came in you were asleep. I tried to wake you, but all you did was thrash around even more."

I stood there dumbfounded. I was never much of a sleep talker or dreamer. In fact, I rarely ever remembered my dreams. But, I couldn't believe I had such a restless night and didn't remember any of it.

"Do you want to talk about what happened?" my father asked hesitantly.

I snorted and rolled my eyes. "No."

My father, in turn, rolled his eyes. "Let me rephrase. Tell me what happened, Bella."

I took a deep breath and thought back to yesterday. I remembered how hurt and angry I was when I found out that Tanya was pregnant and at her revelation that Edward was the father. I remembered how adamant he was that she was lying, but that didn't mean it wasn't true.

I remembered how hurt he looked when I told him I was leaving. I remembered him trying to stop me. Nothing about these events explained why Edward had grabbed me like that. I absent-mindedly rubbed my arm at the memory. We have had a lot of knock down, drag out fights, but never once had Edward reacted the way he did yesterday.

What stuck out in my mind the most was how Edward seemed to disappear at one point, his mind was somewhere else. That was when he grabbed my arm. I don't even think he heard me saying his name when I was trying to get my arm free. He just kept holding me tighter and tighter. I honestly didn't know what to tell my dad.

"I don't know what happened," I answered truthfully and a little reluctantly. I knew my father wouldn't like that response, but it was all I had.

"Bella," my father said sternly. _Told you._

"I'm serious. You know that Edward and I have had our share of fights. And I am not going to stand here and pretend that they didn't get out of hand. But never once, no matter how many times I hit and punched him, did he lay a hand on me. I can't explain it. That wasn't the Edward I know," I explained.

"That wasn't the Edward I love," I mumbled.

My dad scoffed at my last remark and shook his head.

"It doesn't matter. The mere fact that he did it this time is reason enough for you to stay away from him."

"I can't promise that," I argued.

"No daughter of mine is going to be in an abusive relationship. I have let this go on long enough," my father said.

"_You_ have let this go on long enough? That really wasn't your decision to make, was it?" I answered bitterly.

"No, Bella, enough. I forbid it," he continued, shaking his head.

He forbid it?

I sat there stewing for a little bit while my father refused to look me in the eye. I took several deep breaths as I tried to figure out what I was going to say.

"I am going to make this perfectly clear. You do not get to have a say in who I do or do not love. That is not a choice you get to make. There are many decisions in my life that I regret. A lot of them involve mine and Edward's relationship, but not for one second do I regret falling in love with him," I said, my voice cracking at the end.

"You can't chose who you love," I continued.

I watched as my father pinched the bridge of his nose and I was reminded of Edward.

"You are right, you can't choose who you love. But, you can choose how you love them. And Bella, baby, I am scared to death that you to are going to kill each other. Sometimes you have to walk away, no matter how much you love someone. Just look at me and your mother," my father said sadly.

He was right. My parents were terrible together. Both wanted different things out of their marriage, out of having children, out of their lives. But that didn't mean they didn't love one another. They just weren't willing to fight for it. So they made a choice.

I saw firsthand what that choice did to my father. He has lived the rest of his life eating cold pizza and working late so he didn't have to come home to an empty house. He may have been willing to let the love of his life go, but I was not.

I shook my head, trying to clear it of the memories of watching my father live his life in sadness and at the thought of following in his footsteps.

"And how has that choice worked out for you, Dad?"

My father's silence answered my question.

"Edward is my chance at love, my only chance, and I am going to fight to the death to keep it," I said adamantly.

And there I had it—answers to the questions that had been plaguing me since the bottom dropped out yesterday. "Could I still love Edward?" and "If so, what was I willing to do to save our relationship?"

My father took a deep breath and let it out. I watched as he closed his eyes and hung his head in defeat.

"Christ, you are so stubborn!" he exclaimed.

I chuckled. "I wonder where I get it from," I replied sarcastically

I walked over and wrapped my arms around him. He looked like he needed a hug and, to be perfectly honest, I did too.

"Bella, I was foolish to think I could forbid you from seeing Edward. You are an adult and you are perfectly capable of making your own decisions, even when I don't agree with them. But, promise me you will give it some time, give him some space."

I sighed. It was a fair request and to be honest, I wouldn't know what to say to him right now anyway. I did know one thing, before I could see Edward; I needed to know what I was up against. I just wasn't sure how I was going to go about finding that out.

"That, I can promise."

"But you have to trust me and trust that I know what I am doing," I added.

My dad smiled and nodded.

Did I know what I was doing? Truthfully, no. I could only hope I'd figure it out soon.

"Alright, kiddo. I've got to be heading into work. Are you going to be sticking around here for a while?" my father asked hopefully.

"I'm planning on hanging around for a few days, if that's okay?" I asked.

My father's face lit up like a Christmas tree.

"Of course! I may be home a little late tonight, though. I've got to meet up with a private investigator that's helping out on a case."

As I watched him put on his holster and jacket, inspiration struck. If you've got friends in low places, use them.

"Hey, Dad, can I ask you a favor?"

I wasn't sure of how much I wanted my father involved in this, but he was my only choice at the moment.

"I need you to find out some information on someone," I continued.

My father eyed me suspiciously. "Should I even bother to ask why?" he asked.

"I would rather you didn't," I said, as I bit my lower lip.

My father blew out a sharp, frustrated breath.

"Fine. What's the name?"

I took a second to answer because suddenly I was second guessing my plan. First of all, my father would end up knowing way more about this than I wanted. Secondly, I was, in all probability, getting in way over my head by digging in Edward's past.

"Bella?" my father questioned when I didn't respond.

"Edward Anthony Masen, Sr," I responded before I had time to second guess myself again.

My father raised his eyebrow and looked at me for further explanation. Once he realized that was all he was going to get, he shook his head and walked out the door.

I closed my eyes and swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat. I got a shiver up my spine as I thought about what I was about to do. In that moment I realized, I may have just opened Pandora's Box.

* * *

Alright, so what do you think Bella is going to do with the information she gets on Edward's father? Do you think Bella will still go to LA? Was she too hard on Alice?

Don't forget-leave a review and I will send you a teaser of Chapter 16. It's a good one too, folks! ;)


	16. Cleaning House

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. However, I do own this story. Please do not plagiarize or duplicate without my consent.

So, thank you to everyone that read and reviewed the last chapter. I am glad that so many of you enjoyed it. I want to give a shout out to my new readers: **bc2a, kelc1990, zemonster, sherman1004 & dipsydoodle**. Thanks so much for adding me to your list of favorites. I hope you continue to enjoy the story! Also, a HUGE thank you to my new reader and reviewer, **edwardandbellabelong2gether**.

The songs for this chapter are: "Impossible" by Shontelle (http:/www . youtube . com/watch?v=gCSOeMZ6424) and "You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morrissette (http:/www . youtube . com/watch?v=2SNcaa0zJU4) Also, Bella's "Pissed-off" playlist in mentioned in this chapter. If anyone is interested in the list of songs that are on that list, let me know!

As usual, leave me some love and I will send you a TEASER for the Chapter 17. It's going to be a good one!

* * *

**Chapter 16 ~ Cleaning House**

Once Charlie left for work I decided I needed to clean. Mostly out of necessity, his house was disgusting; but a small part of me needed to do it to stay sane. Otherwise, I would just end up sitting around watching daytime television while feeling sorry for myself. For some strange reason I have always been one of those people that found cleaning to be therapeutic.

So after I called Bree and asked for some time off, I did just that. I cleaned. And cleaned and cleaned. And yet for some reason, it didn't matter how hard I scrubbed the toilets, or how shiny the dining room table was after I removed the layer of dust; I couldn't wash away my feelings of confusion, betrayal and emptiness.

It was hard to explain the feeling of shock and bitterness that filled me as I realized everything I thought my life had become was no more. The friends I thought were my family turned out to be strangers and the man I thought was my hero turned out to be the villain.

On top of all this, I still had to make a decision about this job in LA. They certainly weren't going to wait around forever for me to make up my mind. The more I thought, the more I cleaned.

I was right in the middle of the '_Pissed-_off' playlist on my iPod when I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. I cringed at the thought of it being Alice or Edward. I had made Jasper promise not to give either one of them my number, but that didn't mean they didn't get it out of him anyway. I quickly looked at the caller id while holding my breath. It was my dad.

I breathed a sigh of relief and answered the phone.

"Hey, Dad."

"_Hey, Bells. I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to be home earlier than I thought. Any chance you could whip up some of your famous spaghetti for your old man?"_

I chuckled. The only reason my spaghetti was so famous was because it was the only thing I could cook.

"Sure. What time do you think you'll be home?" I asked as I glanced down at my watch. I was pretty sure he didn't have any of the items I would need to make dinner, so a trip to the store would be order.

"_Probably in about forty-five minutes,"_ he responded.

"Sounds good. See you soon. Hey, Dad, did you by any chance get any information on that name I gave you?" I asked hesitantly.

I wasn't sure what I wanted his answer to be. I knew I had to find out what Edward had been hiding from me all these years, I just wasn't sure I was going about it the right way.

I heard my dad sigh deeply into the phone.

"_I did. We'll talk more when I get home_," he responded matter-of-factly, not leaving much room for further discussion. That couldn't be a good sign.

"Okay. See you soon," I answered and I hung up the phone.

After a quick trip to the store to gather all the necessary ingredients, I got started on dinner. Before long the smell of sauce was wafting through the air and I had to admit it was nice. For the first time since all this mess started I felt safe. I started to think that maybe, in time, things could go back to normal. I cranked up the volume on my iPod and starting to sing along to my playlist.

_Is she perverted like me  
Would she go down on you in a theatre  
Does she speak eloquently  
And would she have your baby  
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother_

I couldn't help but laugh out loud as I sang those particular lyrics. Somehow, I had actually managed to push Tanya and her baby; _Edward's_ baby, into the back of my mind—the darkest, loneliest corner of my mind. But, now there was no escaping the thoughts that consumed me.

Even if Edward and I did manage to work our way out of the most recent mess we have found ourselves in, how could it ever work with Tanya and a baby thrown into the mix? Any and all positivity I had managed to conjure in the past fifteen minutes evaporated and I was left, yet again, with a gaping hole in my chest.

_And I'm here to remind you  
Of the mess you left when you went away  
It's not fair to deny me  
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me  
You, you, you oughta know_

_You seem very well, things look peaceful  
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know  
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity  
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner  
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced  
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?_

I was right in the middle of belting out my frustrations when I was startled by a light tapping on my shoulder. I screamed at the sudden contact and turned around to see my father standing there with an amused look on his face. Sheepishly, I reached over and turned the volume down.

"Sorry, Dad, I guess I didn't hear you come in."

My dad chuckled. "I'd say so. What is that crap you are listening to anyway?" he asked as he got a beer out of the fridge.

"Alanis Morrissette," I answered.

I expected to see some sort of recognition on my father's face, but instead I was met with an unresponsive stare.

"Never mind," I responded as I waved my hand dismissively in the air.

I finished stirring the sauce and draining the pasta as my dad quietly looked through the mail.

"Ta Da!" I exclaimed as I sat the plates down on the table with a flourish. For the briefest of moments I forgot about my own problems when I saw my father's face light up at the sight of what was probably the first home cooked meal he had eaten in years. Suddenly, my sadness was replaced with happiness in the knowledge that this did not have to be my fate unless I made that choice.

We ate in happy silence for the duration of the meal and my father even offered to do the dishes in gratitude for cleaning and cooking dinner, but I refused. Like I said, cleaning is my therapy… and it's a lot cheaper than the real thing.

My father retreated into the living room to watch the evening news while I finished up cleaning the kitchen. I knew we still had something important to discuss, but neither one of us wanted to bring it up.

Finally, when I couldn't clean anything else, I knew I had to face my father along with whatever information he had on Edward's dad. I walked into the living room and cleared my throat. It must have been a nervous reaction because it wasn't like my arrival wasn't noticeable; I practically had to walk in front of the television to get to the couch. My dad looked up as I made my path to sit down and turned off the television.

This was definitely not good. He _never_ turned off the television.

"I guess you want to know what I found out about that name you mentioned this morning?" my father asked.

Afraid that my voice would crack, exposing my nerves in the process, I simply nodded in agreement.

We sat there in silence for what felt like an eternity. My father's face was thoughtful, like he was trying to choose his words carefully. Finally, the suspense got to me and I couldn't take it anymore. I gathered my courage and decided to face, head on, whatever hand I was about to be dealt.

"For crying out loud, Dad, just tell me. It can't be that bad, can it?" I asked hopefully.

"Yes, Bella, I'm afraid it can. This man…Edward Masen Sr, that you asked about; he is a bad man. What my investigator was able to gather, and what I suppose you knew and didn't want me to find out, is that he is _your_ Edward's father," my father answered sternly.

I audibly gulped at my father's declaration and nodded my head.

"Do you know why he is prison?" he asked with an expectant look on his face.

Any courage I had a few moments ago had vanished, along with my voice. I could only shake my head as I fought to hold back the tears that were building behind my eyes.

"Do you want to know?"

Did I? The answer to that question was an emphatic, 'No'. But I needed to know. It was the only way I would know how to proceed from this point on. I couldn't count on Edward to give me the information I needed. And despite what she kept from me, I was pretty sure Alice already told me all she knew. This was the only way.

"Yes," I squeaked out barely above a whisper. I cleared my throat.

"Yes," I responded again, trying to sound brave.

My father sighed.

"Here is what I do know. Edward's father killed his mother. Since I wasn't able to get my hands on the case file, I don't know the exact circumstances of her death. His father is currently serving twenty-five years. He was eligible for parole recently, but it was denied, although there seems to be some questions surrounding his denial."

I felt the tears spilling down my cheeks as I quietly absorbed the words my father had just spoken. It was every bit as bad as I expected, and yet I felt completely blindsided by this revelation. How had Edward managed to keep something of this magnitude from the people in his life? Sure, Esme and Carlisle knew, but the rest of us were completely in the dark. Even Alice, who thought she had it all figured out, never imagined that this was the secret that Edward had.

Finally, coherent thoughts started to form in my head again as everything sunk in.

"What about Edward? Did his dad…" I couldn't finish my last thought as I my tears fell even harder.

"I don't know to what extent Edward suffered at the hand of his father. His juvenile records are sealed. But I could tell that there were numerous domestic violence calls made by local law enforcement to their house as well as several visits by child social services," he said sadly.

As I looked to my wonderful, meddling, over-protective father I felt a sadness I had never known. Edward had suffered so much more than I could ever understand. Alice, Jasper, Rose, Emmett and I, we all lived in this bubble. Sure, we all have our sob stories about how our parents didn't love of us enough or how they damaged us in one way or another, but the truth is none of us had suffered through an ounce of what Edward had. And while that didn't excuse him for never revealing this to us, especially me…it did help me to understand his motivation.

"Bella, I…"

The phone rang before my father could continue. My dad's eyes never left mine as he reached for the phone.

"Hello?" he asked into the receiver.

I couldn't hear what the person on the other end was saying, but by the look on my father's face it had him worried.

"Is that so? No, no. I'll go check it out. Thank you," he continued.

He hung up the phone and stood up. I watched as he made his way over to where his gun was hanging.

"Bella, we just got a call about a suspicious person lurking around someone's house. I'm going to go check it out."

My father hadn't responded to a call like that in ages—not since he became the Chief of Police, but I didn't question him.

I nodded my head.

"We can talk more when I get home if you'd like. I know the information I gave you has to be more than a little overwhelming."

I shook my head. "Thanks, Dad. I appreciate it, but I will probably be in bed when you get home. It's been a long day," I responded.

The last thing I wanted was to dissect Edward's childhood, and what it meant for our relationship with my father.

My father nodded and left. I wasn't sure, but it looked as if he was taking the bullets out of his gun as he walked out the front door. But that didn't make sense. Why would he want the bullets _out_ of his gun if he was responding to a potential breaking and entering? I realized I must be more tired than I thought since I was obviously hallucinating.

I tossed and turned all night, trying to find sleep. Instead, every time I closed my eyes I was met with thoughts of Edward, as a little boy, broken and beaten. I couldn't fathom how any man that called himself a father could do that to his child.

I had the answers but I didn't know what they meant.

Professionally, taking a leave of absence from my job was the best thing I could do. There was no way I could give my work the attention it demanded with so many other things on my mind at the moment. Personally, however, it probably only made things worse. I hadn't managed to wear anything other than sweats and my old Beastie Boys t-shirt in days.

Finally, by Friday, after days of doing nothing around my father's house except eating junk food and watching soap operas, my father gave me a list of errands to run. I think he was just worried I was going to disappear into the couch never to be found again. So, I threw on an old, ratty pair of jeans and pulled my hair back into a pony tail. Who would I run into on this side of town anyway? _Famous last words._

As I made my way into the grocery store, trying to quickly gather all the things on the list, I heard a familiar voice and gasped.

"Christ, Bella, you look like shit?"

When I turned around, I saw Jake pushing a cart in my direction. I could feel the blush rising on my cheeks. I hadn't looked in a mirror since my shower this morning, but I could pretty much imagine what I looked like.

"Thanks, Jake, good to see you too," I answered sarcastically as I rolled my eyes.

He chuckled. "It's always good to see you." I felt the blush return to my cheeks.

"Where the hell have you been anyway? If you wanted to get rid of me, you didn't have to change your numbers," he continued.

I mentally slapped myself on the forehead.

"I'm sorry. It's been one hell of a week. I actually had my numbers changed," I said.

He raised his eyebrow at me expectantly, but I wasn't about to go into details with him in the middle of the grocery story.

"It's a long story," I continued.

"If you say so. So what you are up to tonight?" he asked.

If tonight was anything like the past three nights, nothing. Well, unless watching that creepy ShamWow guy on late night infomercials counts as something.

"Nothing, really," I responded.

"Well, now you are. Come out with me tonight. A few of us were planning on going to The Blue Room. Have you ever been there?"

I chuckled.

"A time or two, yes," I answered politely.

"Great! So meet us there around eight o'clock."

I made a face while I internally tried to decide if going out with Jake was a good idea at the moment.

"What's with that face?" _And here I thought I was subtle._

"I just don't know if I'm in the right frame of mind for a date. I'm kind of a mess, in case you couldn't tell," I said, as I looked down and tugged at my ratty t-shirt.

He laughed and said, "It's not a date. My sister and Embry are going to be there."

I felt a wave of relief at the idea of not having to let Jake down. He was an amazing guy, but I was certainly in no place to be starting a new relationship into my life. I had my hands full with Edward at the moment. And to be honest, a night out sounded fabulous.

I smiled. "That's sound great. I'll meet you there."

Jake smiled his million watt smile.

"Great! Oh, and Bella, take shower," he said and laughed.

I laughed too. For the first time in over a week, I really laughed.

I finished the list of errands my dad had given me and made it home just in time to hop in the shower. I threw on a skirt and tank top and made my way downstairs. My father must have come home while I was getting ready because he had already taken the usual position on his chair and had a beer in hand.

"Hey, Dad, I'm meeting a few friends for some drinks tonight."

I watched as he reached for the phone.

"There are leftovers in the fridge, so no pizza tonight," I scolded. My father's eating habits really were terrible.

My father was more than a little relieved when I told him I was going out with some friends. Of course he asked me a million questions, mostly about whether or not I expected to see Edward there. Once he was finished with the third degree and I had satisfied all his questions with the appropriate answers, I was free to go. I resisted the urge to argue that I was a grown adult, who technically didn't need his permission.

As I made my into the bar, I noticed how unusually quiet it was for a Friday evening. I did a quick scan of my surroundings, in hopes of locating Jake and his friends. It didn't take long to located Jake's large, hulking frame in the corner booth by the pool table.

"Hey, Bells," Jake bellowed from across the bar, causing everyone within a five foot radius to glance in my direction. I cringed at the attention and made my over to where they were sitting.

I said hello to Rebecca and Embry and slid into the booth.

"Are you up for another round of pool?" Embry asked as he twirled the pool stick in his hands, taunting me with the memory of last time. I couldn't be sure, but I swore I saw Jake cross his legs and grimace.

I laughed. "I think I'll pass, Embry. Thanks for the offer though," I responded.

"Suit yourself. You in, Jake?"

Jake shook his head as he took a long sip of his drink. "Rebecca will play. She's been dying to give you a beat down since the last time."

Rebecca gave Embry a devilish grin as she picked up a pool stick and walked towards the table. When I turned back to face Jake I noticed he was staring at me.

"What?" I asked.

"What happened to you?" he asked sounding concerned.

"I'm sorry I haven't called. Things at work have been insane, I got offered a job in LA," I answered.

"That's not what I'm talking about," he responded as he pointed to the bruise on my arm.

_Oh yeah, that._

"It's a long story, one I really don't feel like telling tonight."

I looked nervously around the bar and noticed the place had started to fill up. I made a point not to make eye contact with Jake because I kept getting the feeling that he was trying to find the answers he was looking for somewhere in my eyes. Or my cleavage. His gaze had been alternating between the two since I got here, and to be honest it was making me uncomfortable.

"It was Edward, wasn't it," he stated out of the blue.

I quickly tried to think up a lie so that I wouldn't have to rehash everything with Jake.

"No. I got into a fight with this girl at a bar the other night," I answered. _Did I mention I was a terrible liar?_

Jake just continued to stare at me with one eyebrow raised, as if he was waiting for me to crack. After a few minutes of his unwavering glare, I cracked.

"Fine! Yes, it was Edward. Please don't make a big deal out of it. I did mention my life has been insane, didn't I?" I rambled.

Jake sat there quietly processing the information I had just given him. I felt like I was facing my father all over again. I mentally prepared myself for the lecture that I was about to receive.

"This," he said, as he pointed to the bruise on my arm, "is not okay. I hope you punched the son of a bitch."

"It's not that simple," I answered as I began fiddling with the straw of my drink so I wouldn't have to look him in the eyes.

"It _is_ that simple. No guy should ever put a hand on you, Bella. If you were my girl, it wouldn't matter what went down between us, I would never hurt you like that," Jake said as he stared into my eyes.

I wasn't sure what he was insinuating, but it suddenly felt awkward between us. Things had ended weird between Jake and me; well, I guess they never really ended at all. After the night that he came back to Alice's, we just lost contact. I guess I never made the effort to call him and maybe I should have.

"Jake, listen, I really like you. You make me laugh and forget about all my problems. But, I just don't—"

"It's because of Edward, isn't it? I don't get it. He knocks you around and yet you still love him?" he asked as he took another long sip from him drink.

"It's not like that. You don't understand," I stated defensively.

"Then make me understand."

I sat there in silence. I didn't know what else to say to him. I certainly wasn't about to spill all of Edward's secrets to Jake.

"Bella…" Jake continued.

I held my hand up for him to stop.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore."

Jake sighed. "Alright, tell me about this job offer then."

We talked for awhile about the job and he, just like everyone else, told me that I would be a fool not to take it. I was getting tired of hearing the same thing over and over, but in truth, I was finding it harder and harder not to believe it myself. My problems with Edward aside, this was something that most people work their entire lives for and never achieve. I was seriously starting to consider taking this job. But I knew I had to find some kind of closure in my relationships here before I could leave.

After several games of pool between Rebecca and Embry and a few drunken rounds of karaoke by Jake, I started to feel tired.

I discreetly glanced down at my watch and noticed that it was past midnight.

"I think I'm going to head home. I'm sure my dad is waiting up for me, even though I told him not to."

I watched as Jake sucked down the rest of his drink. I wasn't sure why Jake was drinking so much tonight, but I didn't like the effect it was having on him.

"Okay, but let me walk you out," he said as he slurred his words and stumbled.

"No, that's okay. I'll be fine."

He made his way over to me and I could smell the alcohol on his breath. He was too close and was making me uncomfortable.

"Bella, you know I wantyoutobehappy," he slurred, as he reached out and rubbed the backs of his fingers down my cheek.

I reached out and pulled his hand away.

"Thank you, Jake. I'll talk to you tomorrow," I said, trying to make my getaway.

"Wait. I'm trying to tell you something," he continued as he grabbed on to my hand and didn't let go.

"Don't go to LA. Stay here with me…I want to be with you…don't you want to be with me?" he slurred.

This was not how I pictured the night ending.

"Jake, I…"

His lips crashed into mine, effectively ending my not so well thought out speech. Before I could even make an attempt to stop him, he pulled away suddenly and threw up all over my shoes.

I cringed as I looked down at my shoes which were now covered in vomit. I was left standing speechless as he ran off to the bathroom, presumably to finish what he started. That was officially my cue to leave.

After cleaning my shoes off in the bathroom, I said goodbye to Embry, who apologized profusely for Jake, and made my way outside. It didn't usually take long to hail a cab this time of night. As I glanced up and down the street for a cab, I was met with a pair of piercing green eyes that made my chest constrict and my breath catch.

My body was instantly conflicted between fight or flight. There was so much I wanted to say to Edward, so much I wanted him to explain. But at the same time, I was terrified of what this conversation could mean. What if he told me more lies, not knowing that I already knew the truth? What if he had decided that I wasn't worth the torture and pain he had inflicted upon himself all these years?

Before I could make a decision, Edward was in front on me.

He stood staring at me with a look of longing and disbelief. It was as if he was staring at the ghost of someone he so wanted to be real. I instinctively flinched back as he reached in my direction. I immediately regretted my reaction as I watched his eyes travel down to the bruise on my arm. The look on his face was a mixture of regret and agony.

"Bella?" he asked as if he was surprised to see me.

Before I could respond, Jake came barreling out of nowhere and began punching Edward. It all happened so fast I didn't even know what I could do to stop it. I was screaming for Jake to stop and scared at the same time that Edward would retaliate and leave him a bloodied mess like James.

But Edward didn't fight back. He just stood there and allowed Jake to land punch after punch. I continued to scream for help until finally Embry and a bouncer came running outside and pried Jake off of Edward.

I looked sadly at Edward as he lay bruised and broken on the sidewalk.

"You really shouldn't have done that. Go home, Jake," I demanded as he looked in my direction.

He hung his head in shame as Embry pushed him into a waiting cab. I hadn't moved an inch as I watched the cab disappear into the night. I looked over to Edward, who was now sitting up on the sidewalk, as he spit out a mouthful of blood.

The crowd that the fight had gathered had now dissipated and Edward and I were now alone. I made my way over to him.

"I…um…I'm sorry about Jake. I don't know what got into him," I whispered.

He nodded his head and spit out another mouthful of blood.

"So, you're seeing Jake now."

I hung my head in frustration.

"Edward…" I started and then stopped. I wasn't ready for this.

The silence that followed was deafening.

"Bella, listen…"

"Why didn't…"

We both started and stopped at the same time. Edward waved his hand in my direction indicating that I should continue.

"Why didn't you fight back? I don't care how much bigger Jake is, you could've stopped him. Instead, you let him use you as a human punching bag," I asked.

"How can you fight back against something you know you deserved? It was bound to happen sooner or later. There is a pretty long list of people that want to kick my ass. Whether it was your dad, or Jasper, hell even Alice has been waiting patiently for her chance to get a hit or two in. I guess Jake was just in the right place at the right time."

So Edward was back to playing the martyr again. Why couldn't he ever just fight for what he wants…for us…instead of always laying down and taking a beating. _No pun intended._

"Bella, I'm so sorry. So much has happened since…"

"Edward, stop," I whispered.

"…you've been gone. If you could just give me a chance to…" he continued as if he didn't hear me.

"Edward, stop," I said again, only louder.

"….explain. I had it all wrong…"

"Edward, STOP!" I yelled, as I stood up and turned my back on him.

"I'm not ready for this. I have no doubt that you want to tell me the truth, or your version of it anyway. But, I am not ready to hear it," I continued.

"Bella, you don't understand."

I turned back around to face him. I was taken aback by what was standing before me. This wasn't the Edward I knew. This was my version of the broken and beaten little boy of my nightmares. My heart hurt for him, but it hurt for me too. I couldn't forget what he had put us through all these years, all because he couldn't trust me.

"Yes, I do. I understand that I gave everything to you, without question…without fail. I trusted you with my heart and all I asked in return was that you do the same. Instead, you broke it over and over, every chance you got. I don't know if that is something I can ever forget."

I watched as the tears started to build behind his mossy green eyes. I swallowed the temptation to go to him.

"I love you," he whispered as his voice cracked with emotion.

I shook my head at the words I had wanted to hear from him for so long.

"I don't know if that is enough anymore, Edward," I whispered.

At that moment, a cab pulled up to the curb. I didn't make eye contact with Edward as I climbed in. Eventually, the tears subsided and my breathing evened out. I couldn't wrap my head around how a night that was supposed to help me forget about all the shit in my life and make me feel better; ended up making me feel a hundred times worse.

I didn't know if Edward and I could overcome all the obstacles there were laid out before us—I had so many doubts and demons to face. But I did know one thing, before I could face my demons; I had to face Edward's.

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So, where do you think Bella is headed next? Who misses Edward? I do. I think we may be seeing him in Chapter 17. Leave me your thoughts and I'll send you a TEASER of what's to come. :) Come on folks, I am at 76 reviews. I would LOVE to break 80. I know you are out there, all my lovely silent readers...click that button at the bottom and help me out. XOXO Dana


	17. Good Intentions

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. However, I do own this story. Please do not plagiarize or duplicate without my consent.

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**Also, I couldn't come up with a song for this chapter, so I am open to any and all suggestions! Thanks! xoxo**

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**Chapter 17 ~ Good Intentions**

I woke up the next morning hoping the events of the previous night were just a dream. Unfortunately, as the haze of sleep lifted, everything came back to me and I knew they had, indeed, happened.

I felt nauseous with guilt as I thought back to Edward standing on the sidewalk professing his love for me. It wouldn't be the first time he had pulled out that ace in the hole when things looked at their worst, but it didn't feel like that this time. In fact, it felt more like he was saying it for his benefit than for mine—as if he was finally admitting something he had been denying.

I realize I probably should have heard him out—listened to what he had to say. I was just scared. Sometimes, when you have been lied to enough by one person, it's hard to have faith that they will tell you the truth when it really matters. I wasn't prepared for the possibility of what another lie by Edward could do to my heart. So instead I did what I always do. I stuck my head in the sand, or in this case, cab, and hid.

I jumped out of bed when I heard my phone ringing on the other side of the room only to immediately lie back down as my head began to pound and my stomach lurched. Too much rum and not enough food. It was another hour before I finally felt well enough to get out of bed.

I grimaced when I looked at my phone only to see it was Jake that called. That was not a conversation I was prepared to have this early in the morning. Or this hung over. I needed coffee.

As I made my way downstairs, I smiled when I heard the creak in the last step. During my stay here, I had quickly grown accustomed to that sound and had even grown to appreciate it. The familiarity and reliability of that single sound made me feel safe. It's funny how all the things you detest as a child are the things you learn to cherish as an adult.

Take last night for instance. There was a time when walking in the door at one in the morning to my father snoring on the couch waiting for me to get home would have driven me crazy. It would have meant that I was about to be interrogated, yet again, as to where I was, who I was with and why I was past curfew. But now, it only served as a gentle reminder that I was not alone.

"Good morning, Dad," I said as I made my way to the coffee pot.

"Good morning, Bells. What time did you make it home last night?" he asked as he folded up his newspaper.

"It was close to one," I replied as I took a sip of my coffee.

I sighed as I watched him place his bowl in the sink.

"The dishwasher is empty, you know. If you don't start making an effort to keep the house tidy, it will look the way it did before I got here in no time. I'm going to go home eventually," I added as I placed the bowl in the dishwasher.

I was careful not to look my father in the eye as I finished scolding him. I was pretty sure my he would be perfectly content with me living here forever. Clean house, warm meals and he'd always know where I was and who I was with. What's not to love? But, I had made my decision this morning. It was time for me to go home and face my future along with whatever it held in store.

He chuckled.

"Sorry, sweetheart. Old habits…" he trailed off as he patted his pockets and scanned the room.

I knew immediately what he was looking for. It was the same thing he looked for every morning—his keys.

"They're on the table in the living room. Geez, Dad, how did you function without me?" I asked jokingly. _Sort of._

He just rolled his eyes and continued with his morning routine. I watched silently as he made his way to where his coat and holster were hanging up.

"Alright, kiddo, I guess I'll see you later tonight?"

I cleared my throat nervously.

"Actually, Dad, I think…um….I think I'm going to head back to my place tonight," I answered reluctantly.

"Oh, okay. That's fine," he responded surprisingly nonchalant. _Too much so_.

I knew my father well. The fact that he wouldn't look me in the eye while he put on his jacket meant there was something on his face he didn't want me to see.

"I can stay longer if you need me around here," I said.

He quickly spun around and it was then I saw the disappointment in his eyes.

"No, sweetheart, I'll be fine," he responded.

While I was glad he wasn't going to fight me on this, I was still saddened by the look that was etched across his face. In all my haste to make a life for myself, I had forgotten that I was really all my dad had. I should have come home more often, I should have returned more of his calls, and I should have taken better care of him. There was so much I wanted to tell him, and yet I couldn't find the words.

"It's just….I told my boss I'd be back to work on Monday and I'm sure the mail has built up at home and I have bills to pay…" I said while I blinked back the tears that were building behind my eyes.

"Bella."

"There's leftover lasagna in the fridge and I made an extra batch of sauce and put it in the freezer…" I continued, trying to convey my feelings to my father without saying the words.

"Bella."

"Oh, and I organized the drawer with all the take out menus, some of those places have been closed for years and I tried to—"

My incoherent ramblings were abruptly ended when my father wrapped his arms around me in a giant bear hug. I buried my head in his chest and relished in the woodsy smell of my father that reminded me of being a little girl.

"I'm going to miss you too, kiddo," he said as he pulled away from the hug and wiped his eyes.

"Besides, your old man can take care of himself," he continued.

I laughed.

"If you say so, Dad. But, I'm still planning to come by and check on you every once in a while, just to make sure."

He smiled down at me and his eyes twinkled with happiness and unshed tears.

He held his hands up in surrender and said, "If you think that's best, who am I to argue?"

We both laughed.

"Alright, well, I need to get to work. Drive safe," he said as he walked out the front door.

I watched him as he made his across the front lawn to his cruiser.

"Take care of yourself and call me if you need anything," he added with his eyebrows raised pointedly.

I nodded my in understanding. I waved goodbye and watched as his car pulled out of the driveway and headed down the street.

After my dad left, I made myself some breakfast and made sure the house was clean. I could only hope my dad would do a better job of taking care of himself when I couldn't be around.

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink," I thought to myself.

I made way upstairs with the intentions of taking a shower and heading out. I had a big day ahead of me and I was more than a little nervous. But, my word for the day was courage and that meant facing things head on, no matter how terrified I was.

Just as I was about to turn on the water for the shower, I heard my phone ringing again. There were only a handful of people that had this new number, so I decided I better check and see who it was.

I quickly ran to the bedroom and grabbed my phone. _Jake_. I knew I had to face him sooner or later.

"Hello?" I asked.

"_Hey, Bella, it's Jake,"_ he replied reluctantly.

"What do you want, Jake?" I snapped.

I didn't mean for my tone to come off so antagonistic, but to be honest I was still pissed over Jake's behavior last night. From the inappropriate remarks, to the unreciprocated kiss that ended with my shoes being ruined. And let's not forget the totally uncalled for attack on Edward. I was no damsel in distress and I certainly didn't need Jake to act as my knight in shining armor.

"_I…I wanted to call to apologize about my behavior last night. I was mortified by what I remembered when I woke up this morning and even more so when Embry filled me in on the rest. I hope you can accept my apology."_

I didn't need him to apologize. I knew I would forgive him. But, I did need an explanation. The Jake I knew never would have behaved that way.

"It's fine, Jake, really. But, what happened? Why were you drinking so much?"

There was a long pause on the phone. If it weren't for the fact that I could hear him breathing on the other end, I would've wondered if he had hung up.

"_It's a long story. Do you think maybe we could meet for coffee or something, so I can explain? Besides, I think I owe you a new pair of shoes."_

I laughed.

"Okay. I was just about to hop in the shower. Why don't we meet in an hour? Do you know that coffee shop on Tower Boulevard?"

"_Perfect. See you then," _he said, sounding happier than he did when the call began.

I was running a few minutes late as I made my way to meet Jake. It took me longer than I anticipated to pack up all of my things. I had only been there a week and I yet I had managed to spread my belongings out all over the house. I guess I had made myself a little too comfortable back home with my dad. It was definitely for the best that I was leaving.

When I walked into the coffee shop and didn't see Jake, I started to worry that maybe he had left. I glanced at my watch. I was only ten minutes late. Surely, he would have waited longer than that. I quickly scanned the room one more time and caught site of him through the store window. He was standing on the other side of the building talking on the phone to someone and he certainly didn't look happy.

I went through the line and ordered for the both of us. Just as I sat down, he walked inside. I waved my arm to get his attention.

"Hey, sorry I'm late," he said as he sat down at the table.

Even without the resentful tone in his voice, it was obvious by the crease on his forehead and the distant look in his eyes that he was not happy about whatever transpired during that telephone call, although I had no idea what that was.

In truth, I wasn't sure I wanted to get involved. I had enough problems of my own, but despite what transpired last night, Jake was my friend. Clearly, he was hurting and needed someone to talk to.

"Is everything okay?" I asked reluctantly.

He thoughtfully stirred his coffee before he answered.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he answered dismissively.

"Listen, I really am sorry about last night. I drank way too much causing me to say and do things that were completely out of character. I hope you can forgive me," he continued.

"You are already forgiven, Jake. But, if you don't mind me asking, what caused you to drink so much. In my experience, when someone drinks like that, they are trying to forget something."

He looked at me for a long moment, as if he were trying to decide what to say.

"It's Leah," he said and he shook his head.

"Ah, that makes a little more sense. But, what about all that stuff about wanting to be with me and that kiss," I said as I grimaced at the memory.

Jake's cheeks reddened at the memory.

"Leah has started dating someone else and I guess I thought…" he trailed off, presumably too embarrassed to finish his statement.

I nodded my head in understanding as I finished his sentence.

"And you thought you would make her jealous by cramming your tongue down my throat?"

He nodded his head without meeting my gaze.

"Did I mention I was sorry?" he mumbled.

I couldn't be mad at Jake. Lord knows I have made plenty of poor decisions when it came to my love life, who was I to judge someone else for doing the same thing. He'd already apologized and I'd already accepted.

"It's fine, just don't do it again."

"Fair enough," he replied.

"But, you know you aren't getting off the hook that easily?" I asked.

Even though he was forgiven, he had still yet to answer for his attack on Edward.

He looked at me with a puzzled look on his face.

"The fight? With Edward?" I replied.

Jake's face went from confused to shock in a matter of seconds.

"I didn't realize I needed to apologize for that, Bella. What that asshole did to you is inexcusable and I'd beat his ass again if given the chance," he exclaimed.

I sat there for a moment absorbing his words. I quietly thought back to the previous evening and wondered if maybe someone had slipped me a "roofie" because I clearly did not remember asking for his help in defending me.

"Jacob Black, let me make something crystal clear to you. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I don't exactly know at what point in my life it was that everyone decided that I wasn't, but it ends here and now," I said through gritted teeth as I tried to control my anger.

He looked at me with wide eyes.

"Bella...I…I'm sorry. I just assumed—"

"Well, you assumed wrong. The next time you feel like using someone as a punching bag on my behalf, you better be prepared to face the consequences. Now, we're still fine and you're still forgiven, but don't do that shit again. Got it?"

"Got it," he responded.

"Good. Now, when are you taking me shoe shopping?" I said with a wink.

I left the coffee shop with a renewed sense of empowerment and courage. If I wanted people to stop making assumptions about what was best for me and taking liberties with my life, I had to beat them to the punch. If I wanted to know about Edward's past, I had to meet with it face to face.

As I made my way through the different security check points at the prison, the butterflies began to invade my stomach. I knew well enough to know that I couldn't come out tell Edward's father who I was, but other than that I had no clue what I was doing.

I made way to the guard desk and filled out the visitors form. I used a fake name and purposely skipped over the part where it asked my relationship to the inmate. I was hoping the guard wouldn't ask since I didn't know what I would say if he did.

After I placed the clipboard back on the desk, I quietly made my way to a chair in the corner. I tried to calm my nerves by taking several deep breaths. Regardless of whether or not I was able to get by the guard, I would have to tell Edward's father something. As I tried to calm my nerves, I took a moment to look around the room at the other people that were waiting.

In the far corner of the room, there was a very pregnant women flipping through a magazine. I could only assume she was there to visit her husband or boyfriend, who had obviously picked a very bad time to be imprisoned.

In another corner, I noticed a young girl and her mother. The young girl was probably no older than twelve or thirteen.

"_Why are we here? I don't even want to see him," _the young girl pleaded with her mother.

"_Because he's your father and he loves you,"_ she answered. By the tired expression on her face and the long drawn out sigh she exhaled, I gathered this was a conversation they had had numerous times.

I watched as the girl rolled her eyes. _"If he loves me so damn much, maybe he shouldn't have robbed that bank,"_ she whispered.

I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I felt so sorry for this young girl. One bad choice or maybe a series of bad choices, by this man, and this young girl's life was irrevocably changed.

"Are you here to do your interview for your psychology thesis?" the young man asked causing me to jump.

I was so distracted by the exchange between the two women that I hadn't noticed a young man come sit down beside me. I looked at him for a second trying to decipher his question.

"I'm sorry?" I asked.

"Oh, I must be mistaken. You look a lot like a girl in my psychology class," he replied sheepishly. I watched as he blushed at his mistake and silently wondered if that was what I looked like when I was embarrassed.

I had to fight back the urge to hug him—not only for mistaking me for a college student, but for giving me a solution to my problem. Before I had a chance to respond to him, the guard called his name and he was ushered through the metals doors by an armed guard.

"Miss Swanson," the guard called out. _Not a very creative last name, I know. It was the best I could do under pressure. Sue me._

I quickly stood up.

"Yes, sir, right here," I answered back nervously as I walked back over to the desk.

"You forgot to fill out a portion of the form," he said as he slid the clipboard across the desk in my direction.

"Oh, my mistake, sorry," I replied as I filled in the missing blank. I reluctantly handed the form back to the guard. I wasn't exactly breaking any laws by being here. As far as I knew, inmates were allowed any type of visitor, but it still made me nervous to be lying to a prison guard.

He glanced over the form and nodded.

"Have a seat, Miss Swanson. Someone will be with you momentarily," he said as he pointed his head in the direction of where I had just come from.

My knee bobbed nervously up and down while I waited for my name to be called. If only I could say the hard part was behind me.

"Miss Swanson?" a guard called out from the other side of the room.

I stood up and made eye contact with the guard.

"Right this way," he said as he motioned for me to walk through the same metal doors the young man had just gone through. I took a deep breath and started walking.

The guard silently walked me to a small cubicle with two metal chairs separated by a glass partition. Since I had obviously never been to visit anyone in a prison before, I wasn't sure what to expect. But, I could honestly say, this was exactly how I pictured it.

"He'll be right out. Have a seat," the guard said.

I had to fight back the urge to throw up. My nerves were shot both at the prospect of seeing the man that not only tormented Edward as a small child, but killed his mother. A million questions were flying through my mind as I waited for him to enter. What did he look like? How would he act about being questioned by a complete stranger? And of course the question I feared the answer to the most. How much of him was in _my_ Edward?

I swallowed loudly as the door on the other side of the glass opened. This was the moment, no turning back now. I watched with anticipation as he came into view. I fought back the urge to gasp when he made eye contact with me. At a quick glance, it was if Edward had been sent through a time machine twenty years.

As he slowly made his way towards the chair sitting in front of me, I felt the urge to run. I felt like such a fool for thinking I could pull this off. I had to sit here, in front on the devil himself, and pretend not to know his deepest secrets. I had to sit in front of this man, who looked so much like the man I love, and pretend that I didn't already know who he was. I was not that good of a liar, but it was too late. He was here and I couldn't turn back.

"Behave," the guard said as he forcefully sat Edward's father down in the metal chair.

He whistled softly as he sat down, carefully maintaining eye contact with me the whole time. I suddenly felt naked and vulnerable. I had to resist the urge to cover myself. Now was the time to be brave.

"Man, if I had known college girls were as pretty as you, I'd have gone college a long time ago. Maybe I'll go when I get out of here," he said with an evil smirk and a wink.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.

"Mr. Masen…," I said as I cleared my throat nervously, "…my name is Bella Swan…son…and I am here to do an interview with you for my psychology thesis, if you don't mind, of course."

I was failing miserably at being brave. My throat felt like I had been lost in the desert for years. My palms were sweating and my heart was pounding out my chest.

"Do I frighten you?" he asked with genuine interest. To be honest, I wasn't sure what he wanted my answer to be. Something told me that he wanted me to say yes.

"No, sir, not at all," I responded, trying to sound as convincing as possible. _Christ, if I pull this off, someone better give me a damn award or something. _

He narrowed his eyes at me before responding.

"Well, _Bella_…" he said my name as if he were trying to memorize it.

_Shit. _I knew I should have used a fake first name too. But, if there was one thing I learned in my years of trying to lie to my father, it was to keep your lies simple. The more simple the lie, the less of a chance you will screw it up. I was going to have a hard enough time convincing this man that I was a college student here to interview him for my thesis, trying to remember a new name was just one more thing for me to screw up.

"Where did you say you went to school again?" he continued as his eyes drifted up and down my body.

I fought back the urge to shiver as I tried to find my courage. I had to lie and I had to lie well.

"I didn't," I replied confidently.

I noticed his jaw tighten when he didn't get the answer he was looking for.

"We were advised not to divulge any personal information," I continued while looking into his cold, jade colored eyes. They were Edward's eyes, only not.

He dragged his fingers through his hair and gave me a crooked smile that I was sure, at one time, got him pretty much whatever he wanted. He was so remarkably similar to Edward it was uncanny, and yet, he wasn't.

"So, let me make sure I understand things, such as they are…" he said with an eerily calm demeanor.

Listening to him, talking to me so sweetly and with such confidence, I was instantly reminded of the old saying "a wolf in sheep's clothing". I knew what this man was capable of, and yet, he made me feel oddly at ease in his presence.

"I'm supposed to..." he paused and lifted his eyes towards the ceiling as if he was searching for a word, "...divulge, was the word I believe you used, my life story, and yet, I get nothing in return?"

He folded his hands in front on him as he leaned forward in my direction.

He was used to being in control. No one ever questioned him when he put the moves on them and that was why he always got what he wanted. I made a split second decision that I could only hope would pay off.

"Mr. Masen, I assure you, there are plenty other people in your _position_…" I said as I raised my eyebrow, "…that would be more than happy to give me what I need. If you are not capable, then I won't waste anymore of your time."

I stood up to leave and silently pleaded that he would stop me. Otherwise, I had just blown my chance. I nodded my head to the guard and made my way toward the exit. I waited for some indication from Edward's father that he was going to ask me to stay and nothing came. He had called my bluff and I was on my way out the door.

As I followed the guard back out, I was so disappointed with myself. The one time I had shown the confidence to follow my own instincts and I was wrong. _Boy, was I wrong_.

I was just about to walk out the metal doors that led back into the waiting room when another guard called out from the end of the hallway.

"Phillips, wait! Masen wants her back," he called out.

He bought it! For a moment, my fear at having to face Edward's father again was replaced by triumph. I knew it was a small victory, but it was a victory none the less.

We walked quickly back to the interview room. As I sat back down in the cold, metal chair, Edward's father watched me carefully.

"I like you. I didn't think you had the balls, so to speak, to walk out that door," he said with a smile.

"I'm not here to waste your time, Mr. Masen, so don't waste mine. I just have a few questions to ask you and then you can get back to your life…_so to speak_," I replied sarcastically.

I wasn't quite sure where this new found confidence was coming from, but I decided to just go with it.

He continued to watch me carefully as if he were trying to figure something out, like I was a puzzle and he was searching for the last piece that would put it all together.

"Mr. Masen, I'm going to start with the most obvious question first. Why did you kill your wife?"

I quickly pulled out a notepad that I happened to have in my purse.

I couldn't be sure, but for a quick moment, I thought his collected demeanor morphed into shock. He quickly composed himself before I could get a read on his reaction, but if I were to guess he was surprised at how quickly I got to the point. Again, he was used to being the one in control, the one who dictated the conversation—what was asked, what was said. Not this time. The moment he asked for me to come back, I had gained the upper hand.

I lightly tapped my pencil on my notepad as if I was impatient for his answer. I was playing a game, playing a part. And right now, I had to pretend like his answers didn't have any affect on me. If, for even one second, he saw any sign of weakness in me, I would never get what I was looking for.

"You certainly don't beat around the bush, do you?" he asked.

I raised my eyebrow in expectation.

"Fine. I killed her because if I didn't, she would've left. She would've run off to that goody two shoes sister and brother in law of hers and I would've never seen her again. She was mine and she didn't get to leave," he said matter of factly.

I saw no sign of remorse or guilt for what he had done. It was as if he had stated the most obvious answer to the simplest of questions. It was as if I'd asked him what color the sky was and he answered "blue".

"So, obviously you didn't like your wife's family. What about you? Were you close to any of your family?"

He laughed but there wasn't a trace of humor behind it.

"No."

I waited for him to elaborate, but he didn't. I didn't really have any particular line of questioning planned out when I got here.

"What about friends or children…" I swallowed loudly as I thought of Edward, "…was there no one in your life you loved or counted on?"

I saw a flicker of pain behind his cold, dead eyes before he put his wall up again.

"Love is a weakness and the only person you can count on in this life is yourself."

I tried to hide the pity from my eyes. Clearly this was a man that had never been shown what true love really was. It appeared to me that he had gone his whole life without forging any genuine relationships with anyone else. Edward's mother was just a possession, and he actually seemed to treasure that. Even if it was in all the wrong ways.

"What about children? Did you and your wife have any before she died?"

His eyes were cold and calculating as I watched him decide how to answer.

"Yes, we had one child, but he didn't turn out the way I planned. His mother ruined him, made him weak," he answered as he watched for my reaction.

I was careful not to let my expression change even though inside, my heart was breaking. But, he was right. Edward didn't turn out the way he had planned because Edward was capable of love and compassion. He cared deeply for others, Carlisle and Esme, Alice and Jasper, Rose and Emmett, and me. There was no question in my mind that there was not a trace of this man in _my_ Edward. He just needed the right people, the right person, to tell him that.

I asked a few more basic questions and we said our goodbyes. As I stood to leave, I took a deep breath as I realized I had succeeded. I could walk out this door and never think of this man again.

I was just about to reach for the handle to the door when I heard a tap on the glass. I turned back around and walked back to the cubicle.

When I made eye contact again with Edward's father a chill went up my spine at the look on his face. Something had changed behind his eyes and it scared me more than I had ever been scared in my life.

My hand was shaking as I picked up the telephone.

"I almost forgot, please tell my son that he certainly has excellent taste in women," he said with a smirk on his face.

All the air in my lungs, along with any confidence I had gained, left my body in a rush. I felt my knees go weak and I had to grab onto the counter for support.

"I…I don't…know what you are talking about," I stammered.

"The next time you come to interview someone, it might be beneficial for you to actually take notes."

I gulped and looked down at the notepad I was still holding. I hadn't written down one single word he had said. Without another word, I hung up the phone and walked out the door. I could feel his eyes burning in my back until the door closed behind me.

"**We need not invite the Devil to our table; he is too ready to come without being asked." —Martin Luther**

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Okay, so what did you think? Do you agree with Bella's decision to go see Edward's father? Where should she go next? To see Alice? To see Edward? Did you love it? Hate it? LET ME KNOW! Teasers go out to those who leave me some love!

And again, please vote for me!

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	18. Forgive & Forget

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. However, I do own this story. Please do not plagiarize or duplicate without my consent.

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Okay, so I know I said I was going to post on Monday, but I had a major case of writer's block. Like seriously, it was like the sent from hell. I know I promised a teaser to those of you that reviewed **(Melee03, harlequinnegirl, coloradoperson, bellarina1, dipsydoodle, liveindakota (my girl!) & shlly)**, so I am sorry that I didn't get it to you. I literally finished the chapter fifteen minutes ago, so there was no teaser to send. I promise I will send you a teaser, with or without a review, if you reviewed chapter 17.

Also, a HUGE thank you to those of you that added me as a fave. I am always so grateful that anyone is interested in my story. xoxo

So, here it is. This is a big chapter for Bella and Edward and I am very afraid some of you, well most of you, won't like the way it ends. But just keep hanging with me. I never promised it would be easy, only worth it! The chapter song is: "Secrets" by OneRepublic (http:/ www . youtube . com / watch?v=YBF-K5FwLpk&feature=related)

Also, the voting is still open for the award that I was nominated for. You can vote every 24 hours, so PLEASE take a minute and vote for me. I am in 4th place but could very easily catch up to 3rd if you would vote. PLEASE! Yes, I know I am begging. Is it working? :D

One more time, the link is: http:/ glospawards . blogspot . com / p / vote . html.

**Chapter 18 ~ Forgive & Forget**

(Chapter song: "Secrets" by OneRepublic)

I made my way out of the prison in a hurry. While I knew Edward's father was securely locked behind bars, I still felt like he was chasing me. Of course, I knew I was overreacting, but the way he looked at me did nothing to alleviate my fears.

I was still so shaken by what had transpired at the end of my meeting with Edward's father that I barely noticed when I bumped into someone on the way to my car.

"Bella?"

I heard a familiar voice call out from somewhere, but I kept walking. It wasn't until I heard the click of shoes running up behind me that I finally turned around. I was surprised by what I saw standing before me.

"Bella, what are you doing here?" Tanya asked as she fought to catch her breath.

In all the years that I had known Tanya, I had rarely seen her without her hair done or a heavy coating of make-up. Instead, she was dressed in jeans and an old sweatshirt. Her hair was pulled back in a messy pony tail and she didn't have a stitch of make-up on. I wish I could say that she looked prettier in this more natural state, but to be honest, she looked like a train wreck.

"What do you want, Tanya?" I responded without answering her question.

"I'm here visiting my Dad. I was just surprised to see you here," she answered as she looked at me for information.

"Yeah, yeah, it's a small world. Listen, Tanya, I need to get—"

I was abruptly cut off by Tanya as she quickly spun around and proceeded to throw up on the pavement. _What is it with people getting sick whenever they are around me?_

Watching Tanya violently empty the contents of her stomach out right in front of me was a not so gentle reminder of the fact that she was pregnant and Edward was the father. Edward and I had enough problems of our own that were going to be next to impossible to work through; I just didn't see how we would ever make it with Tanya and a baby thrown in.

I wasn't sure if it was the thought of Edward being the father to her baby or watching Tanya get sick, but I had to suppress the urge to throw up myself. Even though everything in me wanted to climb in my truck and leave her standing there, I couldn't bring myself to do it. After another moment or two, she slowly stood up and wiped her mouth.

"I'm so sorry about that. I've been getting sick for a week or so now. It'll be over soon though," she said sheepishly.

I didn't know much about being pregnant, but everything I had always heard was that morning sickness could last for several months, if not longer. I knew she couldn't be that far along.

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news Tanya, well…no, I don't…but, morning sickness can last well into the first trimester, sometimes longer."

"Oh, I know. It's just…I'm not keeping the baby. My appointment at the clinic is Monday, so it should be over after that," she responded matter-of-factly.

"Really? Does Edward know?" I asked with what I could only imagine was an extremely confused look on my face.

She shrugged her shoulders.

"I mentioned it to him. But, I don't really see why it's any of his business," she responded coldly.

None of his business? How could she stand there and act as if Edward didn't have a right to decide whether his baby would live or die?

"Christ, Tanya, maybe because he's the father?" I exclaimed. _You stupid bitch!_

I wasn't sure why I was suddenly fighting for something that I didn't even want to exist. Maybe it was because no matter what was going on between Edward and me, I would always do everything in my power to protect him. I just couldn't help myself.

"I thought Edward would've told you by now. Hell, I thought you'd be the _first_ person he told. He isn't the father," she said.

I sat there for moment, absorbing her words. Edward wasn't the father. We were free to do whatever we wanted to do with no interference or complications from Tanya or a baby. While I was mentally processing this new information, I guess she mistook my silence for anger at her admission because she continued to talk.

"I would've called you myself, but I don't exactly have you on speed dial. I shouldn't have lied like that. It was just…no one was supposed to know that I was pregnant and I panicked," she continued.

I was still in such a state of shock, that all I could do was nod my head.

Finally, I found my voice.

"Are you sure this is what you want to do? What does the real father think?"

She laughed but there was no trace of humor behind it.

"The _real_ father wants nothing to do with the baby, or me, anymore, for that matter."

As hard as I tried not to, I felt sorry for her. Clearly she had gotten herself in a situation that no one wants to be in and it appeared as if she had no one to help her figure it out.

"Well, I'm sure Heidi has been a big help though all this. Sometimes our friends are the only people we can really count on," I said and immediately thought of Alice.

I noticed a flicker of emotion across Tanya's face, but couldn't quite place what it meant.

"Yeah, I...um…so, listen, I'm late for meeting my dad. I better get going," Tanya said, as she pointed behind her.

After we said our polite goodbyes, I climbed in my truck and headed home. I was grateful that Tanya didn't ask anymore questions about my visit to the prison. I had exhausted all my resources for lying effectively. I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to do it again.

As I pulled up to my apartment, what I saw both shocked me and broke my heart. Edward was sitting on the steps, looking like a lost puppy that was searching for a home. Even from the street, I could see the cuts and bruises on his beautiful face and I silently cussed Jake again. His hair was in complete disarray, as if he had been tugging and pulling on it for days. I couldn't be sure, but it looked as if he was still wearing the same clothes he was wearing last night. But even in this broken state, he was still my beautiful Edward.

My heart physically ached for him and in this moment I wanted nothing more than to run into his arms and tell him everything was going to be okay. But, I couldn't. Because I didn't know if it would.

I slowly and quietly climbed out of my truck. He made no indication that he had heard me pull up or that he knew I was approaching. It was as if he was under a spell, frozen in a permanent state of anguish.

I made my way closer and closer, but the only movements that could be seen were the rise and fall of his shoulders as I watched him breathe in and out. Just as I was starting to think he was asleep, his head snapped up and his eyes locked with mine. I was momentarily frozen in place by what I saw. His pain was so clearly etched across his face that it nearly made me fall to my knees.

We stared at each other for what seemed like eternity. There were so many things I wanted to say, needed to say, but I was at a loss for words. It was like something was pressing on my chest, making it hard for me to breath. Everything hurt so much.

"Hey," I finally whispered.

Somehow, even in the quiet of night, my words seemed loud. I waited for some indication that he had heard me, but he just continued to stare. I could see the fear in his eyes so clearly because it was a reflection of my own. We both knew that the conversation we were about to have could make or break us.

I slowly walked towards him and held my hand out for his. When he placed his hand in mine I couldn't help the hiss that escaped my lips, effectively breaking whatever spell we were both under. He quickly jerked his hand away and rubbed his hands together in an effort to warm them.

"Christ, Edward, how long have you been out here? And why did you come here, of all places? You knew I wasn't here." I asked as I continued to climb the steps to my apartment as he followed.

"There was nowhere else I wanted to be," he replied as if it was the most obvious answer in the world.

I unlocked the door and motioned for Edward to have a seat on the couch. I quickly glanced around the living room. Everything was exactly how I had left it. Tissues tossed carelessly on the floor from where I had been crying. All my photos turned over so I didn't have to look at the faces of my betrayers. There was an unfinished cup of tea sitting on the kitchen counter.

I headed for the kitchen and started a pot of coffee. I took a moment to calm my nerves and prepare for whatever was about to happen.

When I walked back into the living room, the familiar sight of Edward walking around, touching my things, momentarily made me forget the hell we had been through the past week. For just that moment, it felt like it was just me and him, against the world. I watched as he silently walked over to the bookcase and began to fix the overturned photos.

My breath caught in my chest and I almost couldn't look as the agony on his face intensified when he finally lifted the picture of us from Alice and Jasper's wedding. It was always one of my favorite pictures, but now it only served as a reminder of what used to be.

I had been staring so intently at the picture he was holding in his hands, that I didn't notice that he was in turn staring at me.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

My head jerked up to lock eyes with his. They were burning with an intensity I had seldom seen.

"For what?" I asked.

I realized it may have sounded as if I wasn't sure what he had to be sorry for. However, I really meant, for what, specifically, was he sorry about, since the list was pretty damn long at this point.

"For everything," he replied.

I tightened my lips in a straight line and nodded. At least he understood my question. Unfortunately, a blanket apology for everything he had put me, put us, through just wasn't enough anymore.

"That's not good enough, Edward. You don't get off that easily," I responded.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and dragged his hand through his hair.

"Where do you want me to start, Bella?" he asked. It wasn't a sarcastic question. He genuinely seemed so overwhelmed by everything that had happened that he didn't know how to fix it.

"Let's start with the simple stuff," I responded. I couldn't help the humorless chuckled that escaped my lips. There was nothing simple about any of this. In reality, it was just the least complicated issue we had to face.

"Why did you ask Alice to keep such an important secret from me? Didn't you think I deserved to know the truth?" I asked as I sat down on the couch and motioned for Edward to do the same.

He shook his head and continued to stand.

"I didn't mean for her to find out. I was drunk and said too much one night. You know how relentless Alice can be. I realize now that I shouldn't have asked her to keep my secret, but it felt so good to finally tell someone."

I stared at him as he paced back and forth while he talked.

"But, why couldn't you tell me?" I asked while trying to hide the emotion from my voice.

I wasn't sure which upset me more—the fact that he felt he couldn't trust me with something so important or the fact that he trusted Alice, my best friend, with it instead.

"I wanted to tell you, everyday, I wanted to tell you. But, it's not something you tell people on a first date, or a second, or hell, even the fifteenth. I had spent my entire life making sure no one knew, so when I met you it was nothing different. I didn't expect to fall in love," he explained.

"We aren't talking about fifteen dates. Seven years, Edward. The opportunity had to have presented itself at some point," I argued back.

"Bella, you are the only person in this world whose opinion matters to me. I could give a rat's ass what Alice thinks, but I knew I couldn't bear it if the truth turned you against me, made you see what a monster I was," he answered as his eyes bore into mine.

I could see the depths of his sincerity and realized that he truly did believe he was like his father. I knew now, of course, that was the furthest thing from the truth, but I'm not sure I would've thought that before my visit with his father.

"It still should have been my choice," I argued.

His pacing was starting to make me nervous.

"Please sit down," I said as I patted the empty space on the couch next to me.

"Why did you turn all your pictures over?" he asked as he sat down beside me.

I looked over my shoulder at the pictures that Edward had righted.

"You know that expression 'it's your world and I'm just living in it'?" I asked.

He nodded his head.

"Well, that was how I felt after I realized that you had been keeping so many things from me. It was as if my life was not my own. Every choice, every decision, was at the mercy of you and Alice," I continued.

"Bella, I—"

He tried to plead his case but I quickly cut him off.

"I was only allowed to know what you wanted me to know, I was only allowed to make the decisions you didn't feel were important enough to make for me. I just couldn't bear to look at the reminders of a life that I wasn't sure was even my own."

"I never meant to make you feel like an outsider in your own life. It was just, I was never quite sure how you fit into mine," he whispered.

I tried very hard to hide the hurt on my face as he said those words, but I could feel the tears building behind my eyes. There was never any question as to how he fit into my life because he was the only piece that mattered.

"That's not what I mean," he said as he noticed my reaction.

"Bella, I never meant to fall in love. That's why girls like Jessica, Lauren & Tanya were who I always ran to. I knew I was never in any danger of caring too much for those girls. As terrible as this will sound, they were replaceable. But you were different. No matter how much I tried to push you away, I knew that you were the only person I would ever want and that scared the shit out of me."

I nodded as I felt the tears spill down my cheeks.

"I didn't want to become my father, but by the looks of things I did just that," he said as he reached out and ran the backs of his fingers down the bruise on my arm.

I shivered in response to his touch causing his to pull his hand away.

"You're not your father," I said with absolute conviction as I reached out for his hand.

"You can't know that," he responded.

I took a deep breath. Now was as good a time as any to tell him about my visit to see his dad.

"Edward, there is something I have—"

"I went and saw my dad," he said, cutting off my confession.

"You…you did? When?" I asked reluctantly. Was it possible he already knew?

"Last week, after you left. That was the first time I had seen him since the night my mom died," he answered.

I wasn't sure whether to be grateful that he didn't know or regret that I still had to tell him. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I was a little afraid of his reaction. I hadn't really thought my actions through when I went to the prison. My only concern was getting the answers I needed. I never stopped to wonder how Edward would feel about me snooping around into his past.

"Would you tell me about it?" I asked reluctantly.

"About the night he killed my mother?" he asked.

I nodded my head. I had heard the story from his father's warped point of view, but I knew it would be an entirely different experience coming from the person whose life it destroyed.

"She promised me we were leaving. My dad, he beat the shit out of her so many times, and I couldn't take it anymore. I had been fighting with him more and more, trying to get him to leave her alone, but that only provoked him even more," he answered.

He was talking so quietly, I wasn't sure he was even talking to me at this point.

"She didn't want him to hurt me. He told me that she thought I was destined to be better than them," he said shaking his head.

"Finally, after one really bad beating, my mother said we were leaving. But, he wouldn't let her. They were fighting at the top of the stairs, he grabbed her arm," he continued as he looked at the bruise on my arm.

I audibly gulped as I realized where the story was heading.

"She tried to pull away and fell. I can still remember the smell of the blood in the room. Like rust and salt," he said as the tears flowed easily now.

"So, you…you were there?" I stammered.

The room was eerily quite for a few minutes. I knew Edward had suffered unspeakable pain at the hands of his father, but I hadn't realized that he witnessed his own mother's death. I hadn't thought it was possible, but my heart broke even more for him. I couldn't imagine what it must've been like to see something like this as a little boy.

He nodded his head.

"How old were you?" I asked barely above a whisper.

"Eight," he answered as tears slid down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry," I said as I reached out to wipe his tears.

The words felt so meaningless and insignificant in response to what he had just confessed, but it was all I knew to say. He slowly brought his hand up to where mine rested on his cheek and he nuzzled into my hand.

I could feel that familiar tug that always drew me to him. It was like I was a ship lost at sea and he was my north star. In that moment, I knew I would always love him. Even if I shouldn't.

For a brief moment in time we were just Edward and Bella. All of the hurt and pain was cast aside as I was finally able to comfort him from a pain that had followed him around for so long.

Edward's eyes snapped open and he pulled away from my touch. I bit my lip in an effort to hide the hurt from his rejection.

"Bella, I'm pretty sure Jake wouldn't approve of this," he said as he stood up and began to pace again.

I narrowed my eyes at him in confusion.

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"I just assumed you and Jake were dating after his display last night," he said without making eye contact.

I let out a sharp breath and rolled my eyes.

"This has got to stop. So much of our relationship is based on assumptions and secrets. Maybe if you hadn't been such a fucking pussy and fought back last night, you would've found out that Jake and I are not together," I said raising my voice.

Edward's eyes widened in response to the change in demeanor.

"You want us to work, than fucking fight for it. Quit letting the circumstances that surround your life dictate how you live it," I continued.

"You're more like my mother than I ever realized, you know?"

I scrunched up my eyebrows in confusion.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"She was a fighter like you. She didn't take any shit off of my dad, no matter how bad he beat her, she always stood her ground. She died because she fought back—fought for me. I'm just scared," he said sadly.

I sighed.

"Scared of what?"

"I don't want to end up like them," he answered dejectedly.

"Then we don't have to," I responded.

"You really still want me? After everything I've done to you, to us?" he asked incredulously.

I stood up and slowly walked over to where he stood. I could almost hear the hum of electricity getting louder and louder as I got closer to him.

"I'll always want you," I whispered as I reached up and traced my fingers along the bruises on his face.

When I felt his strong, muscular arm wrap around the small of my back, I sighed. He gently pulled me into his arms and I rested my head on his chest. I could hear the familiar sound of his heart beating in his chest and for the first time in a long time, I could feel mine beating again, too.

I wasn't sure what to think when he leaned away, but as I looked up at him he lifted my chin with his finger so I was looking directly at his face. My breath caught in my throat as I stared into his piercing green eyes. I wasn't sure I had ever seen them quite so clear. My heart was hammering away as I thought about what was about to happen.

Even though the distance between us was no more than a few inches, it might as well have been a mile. He moved painstakingly slow as moved closer and closer. I felt the warmth of his breath fan across my face and I breathed in his familiar scent. Slowly, his other hand snaked its way behind my neck and into my hair. I felt his fingers thread themselves into the hair at the nape of neck and pull me closer.

Finally, when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, our lips connected. I hummed in response to the pulse I felt flowing through my veins. We moved together in perfect rhythm. His breath was my breath. He tongue was my tongue. This kiss was not about lust, it was about need. There was nothing rushed or urgent; we were simply remembering each other— our first date, our first kiss, the first time we said 'I love you', the first time we made love.

I silently wondered to myself how it was possible for someone to break you heart and yet you can still love them with all the pieces.

Every part of me reacted to his touch…to his lips…to his tongue. He deepened the kiss and I pressed myself closer to him in return. I could feel how his body was reacting to mine and I couldn't but smile at the knowledge that I still had that effect on him.

"What are you smiling about?" he mumbled as the kiss slowly ended and Edward kissed me chastely on the lips.

"Nothing," I replied as I felt myself blush.

He chuckled and I smiled in turn. Seeing him so carefree and happy, if only for a few moments, made me feel optimistic that we could fix our mistakes and move forward. _I hoped._

"So, what do we do now?" he asked with a smile on his face.

I took a deep breath because what I was about to propose was not going to be an easy sell. However, my mind was made up so there was really only two ways this could go.

"Move with me to Los Angeles," I blurted.

The happiness that had been written all over Edward's face just moments ago was replaced with confusion and shock.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to just blurt it out like that, but there was really no easy way to say it. I've taken the job in LA and I want you to come with me. We can start over, start fresh," I rambled nervously.

"I…I can't just leave," he exclaimed.

I swallowed back the hurt at his automatic refusal.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Bella, everything I know is here—my family, my friends, my business. I can't just walk away from that," he answered.

He started to pace again.

"What about me?" he asked with an intensity that made my chest hurt.

"Edward, it's you. It's always been you and it always will be. But, that doesn't mean I think this can work. I have to start making decisions that work for me too, otherwise I could end up in this god forsaken town all alone and everyone else will have passed me by," I answered.

He nodded his head, but something about the look on his face told me it was not in agreement with what I had just said.

"So, you can just walk away from me like that?" he asked bitterly.

I could hear the anger and hurt building in his voice. I wanted him to understand that it didn't have to be this way. He could come with me and we could start over. It didn't always have to be hard.

"I'm not walking away from you, Edward. I'm walking back to me," I explained.

I stood up and walked over to him.

"I want to make us work, I do. But at some point, it's going to have to be on my terms. It can't always be your way or no way at all," I reasoned.

I could see the internal struggled he was facing. I knew leaving everything he had ever known wouldn't be easy, but I had hoped that the idea of being with me would make it worth it.

"Please," I begged as I grabbed his hands.

"I can't, Bella," he said as he shook his head.

And with that he kissed me on the cheek and walked out the door. I flinched when I heard the door slam. It didn't matter that I wanted to run after him and tell him I would stay. It didn't matter that it broke my heart into a million pieces that he wasn't willing to fight harder for us. I had made up my mind. This was one decision I was not going to let anyone else make for me.

I knew it was late and I didn't even know how welcome I was here anymore. But, I had no where else to go. I walked up the steps to the small, white house. It looked exactly the same as always. I knew I had only been gone a week, but for some reason I expected something to have changed.

I hesitantly rung the doorbell and waited. _Ding dong._

The house was completely dark except for the porch light's soft glow.

I rang the doorbell again. _Ding dong._ If no one came to the door this time I was going to leave.

Just as I was about to turn around to leave, I saw a light turn on from within the house.

I saw a familiar face peek out of the curtains and then heard the high pitch squeal that followed. I couldn't help but laugh. Maybe the house felt different, but Alice seemed exactly the same.

The door flew open and before I could get a word out, Alice had me wrapped up in a hug so tight I could barely breathe.

"Ali…I…I…let me…" I choked out, trying to get her to loosen her hold.

"Alice, honey, let her go so she can breathe," Jasper said from the top of the stairs.

Alice's demeanor immediately changed as she let go and took a step back.

"Sorry," she replied sheepishly. She stepped aside and motioned for me to come in.

Still expecting to see something out of place or something different, I quickly glanced around the living room. I smiled when I realized that everything was exactly the same. Maybe I was hoping that was a sign of what was to come. Maybe things between Alice and I could go back to the way they were before.

"Alice, I'm—"

"Bella, I'm—"

We both started to speak at the same time and laughed when we both stopped short of finishing our sentence. I was saddened by how awkward this felt. Alice was my best friend and yet, I had no idea how to talk to her.

"Bella, I know I've already said this, but I'm so sorry. I was wrong on so many levels and I would do anything to take it all back," she blurted out nervously.

"I know, Alice. If anyone knows how hard it is to say no to Edward Cullen, it's me."

She laughed nervously and looked over to Jasper. It was only when they locked eyes that I realized what was different. It was them. Jasper no longer had the same look of adoration in his eyes when he looked at Alice and Alice, well, she looked like a puppy that had just been caught peeing on the carpet.

I quickly looked back and forth between the two.

"What's going on?" I asked. I had been around them enough to notice when some form of silent communication was going on between them.

"Nothing, Bella. Jasper and I just have a lot to work out. Our relationship," she said as she waved her finger between the two of us, "isn't the only one mine and Edward's secret damaged."

I nodded my head in understanding.

"We'll be fine. When you love someone, you don't give up. You fight for it until the very end, and even then you fight some more," Jasper said as he walked over to Alice and kissed the top of her head.

I could no longer hold back the tears as Jasper's words cut right through me. Why couldn't Edward fight for us? Why was I always the one giving something up to be with him? Not this time. If Edward wanted to be with me, he better find a way to do in Los Angeles because I was leaving. With or without him.

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Okay, so should I duck my head to dodge whatever it is you are all throwing at me? Please don't hate me. Bella had to do this. I know we all want her with Edward, but she had to do this for herself. Let me know what you think? Love it? Hate it? Love me? Hate me?

By the way, I am only 8 reviews shy of breaking the 100 mark. Who wants to help me out?

I promise this time, to everyone that leaves me a review, I will get a teaser out to you. And to everyone that reviewed, I am so sorry I didn't get a chance to respond. I try very hard to respond to each and every review, but it just got away from me this time. Won't happen again! Thanks for all your support! xoxo Dana


	19. GoodBye

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. However, I do own this story. Please do not plagiarize or duplicate without my consent.

First of all, I want to say WOW! I am amazed at the response I got from the last chapter. It was by far the most reviewed chapter yet. So, I want to take a second to thank the people that made that possible: (**Melee03, LiLi82, vivarobsten, ronami, bellarina1, coloradoperson, dipsydoodle, iamwriter, romanceisbliss, aliiice, grabadietcoke, scarlet hearts, kissyfur, liveindakota (HAPPY BIRTHDAY!), shlly, & harlequinnegirl**). It means so much that you all took the time to review my story. I have come to love each and every one of you and to look forward to your thoughts and opinions on my story. You have no idea how much inspiration you are to me. So, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

Secondly, I want to say thank you to every one who voted for me in The Annual Glosp Awards for "Best Angst". I won't know for sure until Halloween, but I think I won 3rd place. I couldn't have done it without the support of my wonderful readers. So again, THANK YOU!

One more important thing before I get to the chapter. My dear friend and little sister across the pond, **LIVEINDAKOTA,**has posted a new story on Twilighted. It is called "Beyond the Glass" and it is amazing. So, if you are looking for something new and fabulous to read head on over there and give it a read. She loves reviews almost as much as I do, so let her know what you thought! The link is: http:/ www . twilighted . net / viewstory . php?sid=13645 (don't forget to remove the spaces).

Alright, so here it is. The chapter we have been dreading but had to happen. I want to say one thing about the chapter song. Usually, I leave it up to you whether you decided to click the link and listen to the song I picked out for the chapter. But, I **strongly**suggest you listen to this one of repeat while you read. It really sets the mood and the lyrics are amazingly perfect. The link is: http:/ www . youtube . com / watch?v=M25QGZykK20 (remove the spaces)

So….here it is. As usual, leave me some love and I will send you a teaser for the next chapter. Also, I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts on my song choice. Love it? Hate it? Have a better song in mind? Let me know! I read and respond to every review, so I want to know!

Enjoy! Xoxo Dana

(Chapter Song: "Run" by Snow Patrol)

Once I managed to stop crying, I explained to Alice and Jasper where I had been and what I had been doing. Neither of them was thrilled with the fact that I had gone to visit Edward's father, only because both of them were afraid of what he was capable of. Even though I knew he was behind bars, a small part of me was worried too.

"Did you tell Edward?" Alice asked as she sipped on her coffee.

It wasn't until after Edward was gone that I realized I never got to tell him about my visit to the prison. I had thought about calling and telling him, but I figured I had dropped enough on him. I decided to give him time and tell him later. I had a little over a week before I had to be in Los Angeles. I planned to tell him before I left.

"I was going to, but somehow the conversation got off topic," I said as I thought back to our kiss.

I could feel the blush creep over my face as I thought about how it felt to be back in Edward's arms, to feel his warm lips as they moved with mine. I felt a physical ache as I wondered if that was possibly our last kiss.

"He wasn't even willing to discuss the possibility of moving to LA," I said, quickly changing the subject.

"Bella, are you…never mind," Alice said hesitantly as she looked down at the table.

"Am I what, Alice?" I asked as I tried to get her to look at me.

It was only when she finally met my gaze that I noticed the tears in her eyes.

"You can ask me anything," I continued.

She shook her head causing the tears that had been building in her eyes to fall down her cheeks.

"I don't want to make the same mistakes. I never trusted you to make your own choices and it almost cost me my best friend," she sobbed.

"Alice, I'll always want your opinion and I'll always look to you for advice," I said while fighting back my own tears.

I hadn't realized until this very minute how close I was to losing her and I never wanted that to happen again.

"You just have to trust me to make the decisions that are right for me," I continued as I wiped my tears.

She nodded her head and took a deep breath.

"I was going to ask you if you were sure that taking this job is the right choice? Not because I don't think you totally deserve it and Edward is a damn fool for not following you there like the dog he is, sorry," she rambled.

I chuckled as I realized that my Alice was back.

"But, are you sure you are making it for the right reasons? You aren't doing it just to get away from things here, are you?" she continued.

"I think staying _here_ is the wrong choice. That's the easy way. Edward and I would fall back into our same routines, nothing would change and we'd just end up breaking each other all over again," I said.

To my friends and to Edward, it probably seemed as if I didn't give this much thought. It always seems like running away is the easiest thing to do, but sometimes it's the hardest. When I made my choice, I knew there was a pretty good chance that Edward wouldn't come with me, but that was why I knew it was the right choice. I didn't make it for him, I made it for me.

Alice gave a quick nod before getting a very serious look on her face.

"Alright, then. It looks like I have one week to pull together the most amazing going away party ever," Alice chirped excitedly.

I audibly groaned at the thought of another one of Alice's insane parties.

"No, Alice, really…"I argued.

"Bella, pleeeease," she begged.

I sighed. "Fine! But nothing crazy. Let's just make it a small group of friends."

She nodded her head and squealed.

"This is going to be epic," she said while clapping and bouncing up and down in her chair.

The following week was a whirlwind of packing, tying up lose ends at work and saying goodbye to old friends. Emmett, Jasper and Jake had been helping me slowly pack up my stuff. My dad even came by towards the end of the week to lend a hand.

"Hey, Bells, do you have any more boxes?" he asked from the other room.

When I walked into the kitchen, I was momentarily taken aback at how much he had done in such a short time. The cabinets were almost empty and the counters were completely cleared.

"Geez, Dad, I didn't realize you were in such a hurry to be rid of me," I said jokingly.

"I'll never be happy to see you leave, but I am very proud of you. I know this is a big move to make, but I really think it's going to be a good thing," he said as he continued boxing up the utensils.

I could only nod my head. I knew deep down that he was right, but it didn't make it any easier. Edward and I hadn't seen or spoken to each other since he walked out of my apartment last weekend. I tried calling a few times, but he never picked up.

There were so many things I wanted to say to him. I wanted to tell him that I was sorry for the way I broke the news to him. I wanted him to know that I understood his decision to stay here. I wanted him to know that my moving didn't change my feelings for him. But, somehow, I could never find the words when his voicemail picked up.

One night, I even went to the restaurant to talk to him. I thought maybe I would have a better chance of getting my point across if I was standing face to face with him. But instead, I stopped dead in my tracks when I caught sight of him through the window. I watched from across the street as he ran his business effortlessly. Everyone who worked for him did whatever he asked and did it happily. He truly shined when he was doing what he loved. As I watched him, I silently wondered how I could ask him to give that up. So I left.

"Alright, kiddo, it looks like Emmett and Jake just carried the last of the boxes out to the moving van. Are you sure you don't want to stay at my place tonight? I'd be more than happy to take you to the airport," he said as he put his coat on and walked to the front door.

"Thanks, Dad, but I promised Alice I'd stay with her tonight after the party," I answered as I looked around my empty shell of an apartment.

I could feel the tears pricking at my eyes and blinked hard to push them back. It would be a long day if the tears started this early.

My father sighed.

"So, I guess this is goodbye," he said without meeting my gaze.

"Not goodbye. You'll be out for Thanksgiving. Remember?" I asked.

He nodded and wrapped me up in a giant hug. Even though he was cutting off the circulation in my arms, I didn't ask him to let go. I just held on tighter.

Finally, after a few silent moments, he let me go and stepped back.

"You still have that pepper spray I gave you, right?" he asked.

I rolled my eyes at how quickly he could switch from caring father to overprotective police officer.

"Yes, Dad, but I'm moving to LA, not Harlem. I'm sure I won't need it."

"It's a big city. You never know. Just keep it on you at all times and be safe," he instructed dutifully.

I nodded my head. "Yes sir," I said as I gave a mock salute.

"Take care of yourself, old man. Lay off the take out. I'm going to email you the recipe for my spaghetti and Alice said she'd come by one day and teach you how to make it. I'll try to find some other simple recipes that you can make," I continued.

"Yes, ma'am," he answered sarcastically.

Suddenly, I was feeling so guilty for leaving him here all alone. He had a few friends down at the station and he had Henry Clearwater, who always took him fishing. Bur he always seemed so alone. Was I being a bad daughter for leaving him?

"I love you, Daddy," I said as the traitor tears finally broke free.

For a split second, he looked uncomfortable at the emotion that was spilling out of me, but then instead of changing the subject or cracking a joke like he normally would've done in the this situation, he reached forward and pulled me into another hug.

We stood that way for a few more moments until we were interrupted by the sound of the door opening and closing.

"Alright, you two, knock it off. This isn't a funeral. Bella's only moving a few hours away," Alice chimed as she walked into the room.

Alice had been like a person possessed this week. What was supposed to be a small gathering amongst friends had taken on another life. The Blue Room had been rented out and Alice invited everyone she could think of that I had known in the past ten years. She wouldn't even let me see the guest list, claiming that I'd never show if I knew how many people were coming. That did nothing to calm my nerves.

On more than one occasion, I tried to talk to her about how much I loved her and was going to miss her, but she always brushed me off claiming that she had stuff to do for the party. I wasn't sure whether to be hurt that she didn't have time to properly say goodbye to her best friend of over fifteen years or be angry that she had allowed my simple going away party to become a three ring circus.

"Bella, I promised you I would look out for your dad, so quit worrying," she said as she pushed us out the front door.

"If we don't get back to my place soon, we will never have enough time to get ready for the party," she continued.

I shook my head at her impatience and locked up the door for, presumably, the last time. I had kept the lease on my apartment for six months just in case things didn't work out.

My dad and I finished saying our goodbyes, made a million promises to call and that was it. I watched him pull away in the police cruiser and my heart sank. This was just the first of many goodbyes that I was going to be saying over the course of the evening.

Alice and I had spent the rest of the afternoon getting ready at her place. Even though I knew what Alice was capable of, I reluctantly agreed to let her pick out my outfit. She didn't disappoint. By the time she was done, I was dressed head to toe in clothes whose designers' names I couldn't even pronounce.

"Alice, are you insane? Does Jasper know how much you spent on this stuff?" I asked as I caught sight of the price tag that was hanging from the beautiful, black dress I was wearing.

"Of course. If there is one thing this whole mess with…I'm not keeping anything a secret from him anymore. I have learned my lesson," she replied.

I pretended not to notice the way she avoided mentioning Edward's name. I had asked her earlier in the week if he was coming to the party, but she somehow managed to avoid answering the question.

"Alice, thank you," I said as she continued to apply my make-up.

"Oh, it's no problem at all. Besides, my motives weren't entirely pure. We are the same size after all," she said without meeting my eyes.

I stilled her hands in mine.

"Not for that. Thank you for being my sister, for being there when I needed a friend, for being there when I didn't know I needed a friend. I don't have a lot of people in this world I can count on, but you have always been one of them and for that I will be eternally grateful."

I was trying to say goodbye without really saying it. I knew we'd see each other plenty. Alice had already mapped out all the stores on Rodeo Drive she planned to go to when she came next month, but I still knew that things were changing…even if we wanted to pretend they weren't.

I could feel the tears starting to build and I blinked furiously to hold them back. I waited for Alice to say something back, to at least admit that things weren't going to be the same after I left, but to no avail.

"Bella, you are going to ruin your make-up with all those tears. Now put your big girl panties on," she said as she turned me so that I could finally see the finished product.

"Voila!" she exclaimed with a grand sweeping gesture.

I stared in the mirror at my reflection. I had to admit, Alice had impeccable taste and this dress fit me like a glove. Normally, I would have been excited to be wearing such an amazing dress if I wasn't so concerned with how many people were going to see me in it.

"So what was the final count for the party?" I asked nonchalantly, in hopes that Alice would slip up and give away some information.

"Nice try, Bella," she responded as she finished touching up her make-up.

I slumped my shoulders in defeat and made my way out into the living room. I laughed when I saw Jasper sitting on the couch watching football. Alice had asked him at least forty-five minutes ago to go upstairs and get ready.

"You are in so much trouble," I said as I walked in front of the television.

Jasper's attention was quickly diverted from the television to me. I couldn't help but blush as his jaw hit the floor.

"Wow, Bella, my wife certainly does good work. I mean…not that you aren't always beautiful, but…wow."

I laughed as Jasper stumbled through his words.

"Thanks a lot, Casanova. But if you don't get your ass upstairs and ready before she gets down here, you are a dead man."

Jasper glanced at his watch with a panicked expression and ran upstairs.

"Jasper Whitlock, you better be ready in five minutes or we're leaving your ass," I heard Alice shout from upstairs.

I smiled when I thought about how things between them seemed to slowly be getting back to normal this past week. I could only hope that trend would continue after I left. Alice and Jasper were one of those couples that helped to remind you that love was real and attainable and to never settle for anything less than true love. I wasn't sure my heart could take it if they didn't make it.

A while later, both Alice and Jasper came downstairs. Although they both looked fabulous, I couldn't help but notice that Alice's hair looked a little out of place and they both had that "glow" about them. _Yep, things were definitely getting back to normal_.

We made it to The Blue Room right on time, despite Alice and Jasper's extracurricular activities. As we made our way to the front door, I braced myself for whatever Alice had cooked up.

When Jasper and Alice opened the doors, I was met with the faces of no less than a hundred and fifty of my "closest" friends. I smiled at the sea of welcoming eyes, while I silently prayed I wouldn't trip as I made my way through the crowd.

"I'm glad you didn't go overboard, Pixie Dust," I mumbled through the smile plastered on my face.

Alice's tinkling laugh echoed in my ears as I was quickly surrounded by people whose names I could scarcely recall. I smiled and thanked each and every person that approached me. I made a mental note of as many people as I could remember, knowing full well that this was probably the last time I would ever see or speak to them again.

After the initial excitement dwindled, I was greeted by Rose and Emmett.

"I'm proud of you," Rose said as she gave me a hug.

I smiled at her and gave Emmett a hug next.

"Los Angeles better get ready, because Rosie and I are coming the moment you get settled," Emmett's voice boomed over the crowd.

Rose hadn't mentioned that they were planning a trip anytime soon, so I looked to her for confirmation.

She just smiled and mouthed the words, "I'll fill you in later."

I nodded my head and turned my attention back to Rose, Emmett, Jasper and Alice. I took a few sips of the drink Jasper had brought me and scanned the crowd once more. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes, and yet no sign of the one pair I desperately needed to see.

I sighed and took another long sip of my drink.

I continued to greet and thank people as they approached me, but I couldn't take my mind off of Edward. After a while, I noticed that Alice's attention was diverted so I made a quick exit to the fire escape. I wasn't sure whether it was the alcohol or the pressure of the evening, but I needed some fresh air.

I spent a few silent moments looking out over the small town that I had spent my entire life trying to escape. The only thing that had kept me here in the past was Edward and now I was leaving that behind too. When I heard the door crack open, I quickly spun around expecting to see Alice. Instead, I was met with Jasper's sympathetic smile.

"What are you doing out here," I asked.

"I saw you come out here and thought you might need this," he said as he handed me a fresh drink.

"Thanks."

"You okay," he asked as he lit a cigarette.

Jasper used to smoke before he started dating Alice, but shortly after, he quit. Most of the time he only smoked when he was really drunk or really stressed. I didn't want to ask him what the catalyst was this time.

"Your wife is a force to be reckoned with. I can't believe she put all this together."

He took a long drag off his cigarette and said, "You know Alice. She doesn't do anything half way, but she always has good intentions."

I nodded my head in agreement.

"You know, the funny thing is, she has been so busy planning my departure that she hasn't had time to say goodbye," I said.

"I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this party was her way of over compensating for how much she is going to miss you," he said as he put his cigarette out on the concrete railing.

"Give her time. You know how much she loves you. She's is not going to let you leave without reminding you," he continued.

We sat in comfortable silence for a few moments. I wanted to ask him about Edward, but I wasn't sure if they were even talking again. Rose had filled me in on the fight that took place between them after Jasper found out the secret Alice had been keeping from him. In all the years we had been friends, Edward and Jasper had never fought.

"He's not coming, is he?" I finally found the courage to ask.

Without looking at me, Jasper slowly shook his head.

"So you guys are talking again?" I asked reluctantly.

Jasper slowly turned around to face me.

"Yeah, you know as well as me how hard it is to stay mad at him," he said with a smile on his face.

I nodded my head and swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat. My time here was running out and I didn't know if I was going to see Edward before I left.

Jasper must have noticed the change in my mood because he pulled me into a hug.

"He'll come around, Bells," he said as he kissed the top of my head.

I nodded into in his chest as I felt the tears slowly start to fall. When I pulled away, I noticed a large wet spot on Jasper's shirt.

"Sorry," I said, laughing sheepishly.

He looked down at his shirt and laughed.

"No problem. But if Alice gets mad at me for ruining my shirt, I'm pointing the finger at you."

"Fair enough," I responded as I turned back to look out over the city.

"You coming back in?" he asked as he walked back to the door.

"Yeah, just give me a minute."

I heard the door close behind him and I was, for the moment, alone with my thoughts.

The party ended a little after midnight. When we were leaving The Blue Room, I told Alice and Jasper to go ahead without me. I could no longer put off the inevitable. I had to go say goodbye.

When I pulled up to Edward's apartment, I saw the soft glow of the television coming from his living room window. I wasn't surprised that he was still awake. He was always a bit of a night owl. Working in the restaurant business will do that to you.

I knocked quietly and waited. I could hear the soft sound of footsteps as they approached the door. I felt the butterflies invade my stomach when I heard the click of the lock.

When the door flung open, I was momentarily left breathless at the sight in front of me. Edward was shirtless, wearing nothing but a pair of low-slung pajama bottoms. It hurt to breathe when I thought about leaving the man that stood before me.

"Bella?" Edward asked as he opened the door wider for me to come in.

I walked into the apartment and was hit with the overwhelming scent of Edward— like sunshine. You know that smell your skin has after a day at the beach, that was how he smelled. Maybe that was why I always felt so warm when I was wrapped in his arms. I took a deep breath, allowing his scent to permeate my lungs. I wanted to hold on to that smell forever.

I quickly scanned the apartment and felt as if I had stepped back in time. It looked pretty much the same as it did the night I walked out three years ago, with the exception of a new big screen television.

The pillows that I bought for the couch were even still there. I silently laughed as I thought back to how much Edward hated those pillows. I would've though they would have been the first thing to go after I left.

"_Look at these pillows I bought for the couch, Edward. Aren't they perfect?" I asked as I placed one of the new pillows on the couch._

"_They're pink," he said as he scrunched up his nose._

"_Shut up, no they're not. They're salmon colored and they're perfect," I said, placing the second pillow on the other side. _

_I walked towards the kitchen, ignoring the face that Edward was making at the sight of my new purchase. I chuckled to myself because I knew they were pink. But, I did like them. Ever since I moved in, I had been trying to make this place more my own. What better way than pink pillows? _

"_If you like them, we can keep them," he said as he came up behind me and kissed me on the top of the head._

"_Really?" I asked, scrunching up my eyebrows in confusion._

"_But, they're pink!" I exclaimed._

_I knew I'd eventually convince him to let me keep them but I didn't really expect Edward to give in so easily._

_He laughed. "If you like them, they're perfect."_

I bit my lip and blinked back the tears when I saw a picture of Edward and me on the bookcase. It was the same picture from Alice and Jasper's wedding that I had at my place.

I'm not sure how much time passed as I looked around. Every inch of this place held a memory of the two of us; a tender kiss on the front porch, making love in front of the fireplace, sipping coffee in the mornings as I tried to read the paper.

"_Jesus, Edward. Could you possibly chew any louder?" I asked as I tossed the paper down on the counter._

_He was eating a bowl of cereal and all I could hear was the incessant crunching sound with every bite he took. It was driving me insane._

"_What?" he asked innocently._

"_You know what and I know you're doing it on purpose. You can read the fucking paper when I done with it. Don't think you can get your way that easily," I snapped._

_I wasn't really mad, it was the principle. Edward was always such a baby when he didn't get the paper first thing. He claimed I crinkled it. Whatever the hell that means._

"_You can be such a baby!" I exclaimed._

_I tried to walk away in a huff, but my path was quickly cut off by Edward. _

"_Come on, half-pint, don't be like that," he said as he wrapped his arms around my waist._

_I tried my hardest not to crack a smile at the silly nickname he had given me. I didn't really make the connection, but he just seemed so proud of himself when he came up with it. _

"_Bella, don't make me tickle you," he said with a mischievous grin on his face._

"_Don't you dare," I threatened._

"_Then tell me you love me."_

"_No," I said defiantly._

"_Bella..." he said with a warning tone in his voice._

_I hated being tickled but I refused to give him the satisfaction._

"_No."_

"_Bella…" he said again as he stalked closer._

_I slowly backed up, aware that I only had a few steps before my back was against the wall._

"_Edward, please don't. I hate being tickled. Besides, I need to pee," I whined._

"_Say it," he whispered._

"_No!" I exclaimed._

_And with that he pounced. He was tickling me so hard I could barely breathe. I was gasping for air and about to pee my pants. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore._

"_Fine, I love you!"_

_With that, he stopped tickling me and moved aside._

"_Jackass!" I yelled as I ran to the bathroom. _

_I heard him chuckle from the kitchen._

"_I love you, too."_

It was as if our life together was on a time loop and someone hit the replay button. I could recall with perfect clarity every moment, happy or otherwise, that we shared together. My heart suddenly felt heavy as I realized this was goodbye. I felt panicked and alone and suddenly, I doubted my decision. I wasn't sure I could do this. I felt my breathing start to pick up, my heart was racing, and my palms were sweating.

I hadn't realized I was crying hysterically at this point until I was brought back to the present by a pair of strong arms wrapping themselves around me.

"Shh, Bella, baby, it's okay," he said as he rubbed circles on my back.

As I pulled away and focused on the beautiful face before me, I saw that I wasn't the only one in pain. His eyes, that usually reminded me of the clearest emerald, were now cloudy shades of gray and green. It was as if I was looking across the ocean in the middle of a hurricane.

The next several minutes were silent except for the occasional sniffle or hiccup from me. I slowly regained my composure and pulled away. When I stepped out of Edward's embrace, I immediately felt a sense of loss.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me," I said, embarrassed at my sudden outburst.

Edward eyed me carefully, as if I was a time bomb about to explode. Once he was confident that I wasn't going to have another breakdown, he motioned for me to have a seat on the couch. I absentmindedly picked up one of the pillows and placed in it my lap.

He smiled down warmly, "You always loved those pillows."

I gulped and pushed back the tears I could feel building. I'd never get through this if I broke down every five minutes.

"Edward, I came to apologize," I said as I continued to pick at the threads on the pillow in my lap.

"For what?" he asked.

"For asking you to come with me to Los Angeles. I realize—"

"Bella, you have—" he cut me off.

I held my hand up to silence him.

"Please, let me finish and then you can say whatever you want."

He nodded his head and sat down beside me.

"I realize now that it wasn't fair for me to ask you to give up everything you have worked so hard for. You have built a life here and you shouldn't have to walk away from it for anyone, least of all me."

He swallowed hard and it looked as if he, too, was fighting back tears.

"Bella, I want so badly to be able to pick up everything and go with you. I do. I'm just too scared to do it."

I nodded my head.

"Of course, I completely understand how scary it would be to walk away from the business you worked so hard to build, not to mention to leave the only two people in the world that you can call family. You don't have to explain it to me, I get it."

"I don't give a rats' ass about the restaurant. Garrett is perfectly capable of managing it when I'm not around and as far as Esme and Carlisle, yes I would miss them, but that's what planes are for."

I felt confused and I was sure that my face only mirrored that feeling.

"Then, what are you scared of?"

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"What if I can't do it?"

"Do what?" I asked feeling more confused than ever.

"I can't hurt you like that again. It might not kill you, but it _would_ kill me," he answered as the tears finally fell down his cheeks.

And now I understood. He didn't trust himself to be the man I knew he was. He was still a broken little boy, plagued by self-doubt and self-loathing. I knew it didn't matter how much faith I had in him if he had none in himself.

"I can't make promises about what the future hold for us, but I do know that I believe in you. And I meant what I said the other day. It's you, it will always be you. When you finally see in yourself what I see in you, come find me."

I slowly reached forward and dragged my fingers through his hair one more time. He took me by surprise when he leaned forward and placed a slow, lingering kiss on my lips. It was almost instinctual the way I immediately leaned into him. I couldn't have fought him off if I'd wanted to, not that I wanted to.

We fought to get closer, holding on to one another tighter as a drowning man would cling to a life preserver. The only sounds that could be heard were our muffled, strangled sobs as our lips said goodbye without saying the words.

When the kiss finally ended, we were both out of breath and out of time.

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Alright, so let me know what you thought. Did it make you cry? Make you scream? Don't forget, I will send a teaser for Chapter 20 to those of you that leave a review!

And don't forget to check out "Beyond the Glass" over on Twilighted. The link is: http:/ www . twilighted . net / viewstory . php?sid=13645 (don't forget to remove the spaces).

Thanks, as always, for stopping by to read my little story! xoxo Dana

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**Chapter 19 ~ Good-Bye**


	20. Friends & Enemies

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. However, I do own this story. Please do not plagiarize or duplicate without my consent.

Okay, so WOW! I have been gone a while, huh? I hope you haven't all abandoned me. It has been a rough couple of weeks. First of all, I was struck with a massive dose of writer's block. It's my fault, I asked for it. LOL Then, some very dear friends of ours lost their 18 month old little girl in a tragic and heartbreaking accident. There is nothing harder than losing a child. Anyway, those are my reasons. Sorry to everyone who reviewed and didn't get a teaser or a reply. I literally finished this chapter at 11:30 last night. I figured you would rather have the whole chapter than just a teaser. I always feel so guilty when I don't get the teaser out to you, so please forgive me.

Again, I just want to take a moment to thank everyone that reviewed: **grabadietcoke, susanreader, liveindakota (my distraction from RL, 3), coloradoperson, lili82, romanceisbliss, tkeaton1, harlequinnegirl, bellarina1, kissyfur, chanahope (a new reviewer, 3), aliiice, shlly, melee03, & ronami ~ THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR ENDLESS SUPPORT. **

So, here it is. I had a terrible time with this chapter and I am not happy with it at all. I just reached a point where I needed to push through this chapter so I could move on to the next. The next one is in EPOV, so that should prove a little easier to write...I hope! Okay, enjoy! As usual, if you leave me a review I will get a TEASER out to you. You guys have no idea how much your reviews help and inspire me. There have many occasions where something you have said to me in a review has changed how I write an entire chapter, so PLEASE let me know what you think!

XOXO Dana

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**Chapter 20 ~ Friends & Enemies**

(Chapter Song: "Need You Know" by Lady Antebellum)

When I got back to Alice's she was brimming with curiosity about my talk with Edward, but once she took sight of my red, puffy eyes and splotchy face, she quickly fought the urge to pepper me with a million questions.

"That bad, huh?" she asked with a slight grimace on her face.

"You have no idea," I answered as I shook my head slowly.

I didn't even stop to talk to Jasper as I made my way into the house. I walked directly to my spot on the couch and curled up under my favorite blanket. I could hear Jasper and Alice whispering in the other room. I couldn't even bother myself to try and make out what they were saying. Instead, I closed my eyes and willed myself to sleep.

I tossed and turned all night trying to block out all thoughts of what might have been my last moments with Edward. I finally managed to doze off around three o'clock, but woke up shortly after to the sun starting to rise through the living room windows. Even though I still had a few hours before I had to leave for the airport, I didn't even bother trying to go back to sleep.

I silently crept into the kitchen to start a pot of coffee, but someone had beaten me to it. I was surprised to see Alice sitting on a stool at the counter so silent and still that I thought for a second that I was hallucinating.

"Alice, what are you doing sitting here in the dark?" I asked as I poured myself a cup of coffee.

She jumped at the sound of my voice before quickly wiping her face with the sleeve of her robe.

"I couldn't sleep," she responded as she shrugged her shoulders.

"Must be contagious," I said as I filled my coffee mug and topped hers off.

"Things went that badly, huh?" she asked tentatively.

I groaned and covered my face with my hands. I just couldn't bear to rehash the details.

"I'll take that as a yes," she responded as she rinsed out her coffee cup in the sink.

"Well, I guess I better go hop in the shower so I can be ready to take you to the airport," she said with a fake smile plastered across her face.

Finally, fed up with the forced pleasantries and happy thoughts, I cornered Alice.

"I've been a good best friend, right, Alice?" I asked as I cut off her path.

There was only one way out and she'd have to go through me to get through it.

"What? Of course you have!" she exclaimed.

I nodded my head.

"I've always been there when you needed someone to go shopping with, a partner in crime for all your crazy schemes, I even sat in a parked car outside of Jasper's old apartment for four hours when you thought he was cheating on you," I continued.

"Where are you going with this, Bella?" she asked.

"Why the hell aren't you sad that I'm leaving?" I screamed.

I barely had the words out of my mouth before she was a blubbering mess of tears and snot.

"Of course I'm going to miss you," she cried as she wrapped her arms around my neck.

"Jeez, Alice, for someone so small you are freakishly strong," I squeaked out.

"Oh no, I thought she was going to make it till you got on the plane. What did you say to her?" Jasper asked as he came into the room.

"Morning, Jazz. Uh…a little help here," I said with Alice still firmly attached.

Jasper gently pried her off of me and wrapped his arms around her. I watched as he rubbed small, soothing circles on her back and whispered in her ear. I had to look way because it felt like I was intruding on a private moment.

Alice finally calmed down and managed to say all the things I had needed to hear from her for the past week. She assured me that I was making the right decision and promised me that she would come visit so often that I'd be sick of her. She also told me I was the best friend she's ever had and that no one else would ever come close. So, after all that, I was feeling a little less apprehensive but still overwhelmed and sad.

I spent the rest of the morning getting showered and packing what was left of my belongings. I took a deep breath as I loaded my bags into the car, knowing this would be the last time I would be at this house for a long time. Alice and Jasper's house had been my second home for as long as I could remember. There were times where I didn't even step foot in my own place for days.

As we pulled away, I took once last look at the white house with black shutters and felt a single tear trickle down my cheek. When I made this decision, I knew it would be difficult to say goodbye, but it wasn't until my goodbye with Edward and now leaving Alice's that I truly felt the pain of leaving the only life I'd ever known.

I couldn't help but feel sad as I thought about all the changes that would take place here while I was gone. Would things change so much that I wouldn't even be able to come back? What's that expression? _You can't go home again. _What if everything changed so much while I was gone that I didn't have a place in everyone's lives when I came back. What if I never came back?

Just as I turned around to demand that Jasper stop the car because I couldn't go through with this I saw Jasper take Alice's hand in his. I smiled and relaxed in the knowledge that some things would never change.

As we pulled up to the airport, I had once last moment of doubt and panic.

"What if I'm terrible at my job? What if nobody likes me?" I said as my chest constricted and my breathing picked up.

"First of all, you couldn't be bad at your job if you tried. And don't be ridiculous, it's impossible not to like you. Now, get your bags and get out of here before I lock you in the trunk and refuse to let you leave," Alice said as she pointed in the direction of the terminal.

With tears running down my face, I quickly kissed Alice and Jasper goodbye and marched into the terminal. Feeling like the little engine that could, I mentally chanted to myself, "I think I can…I think I can…I think I can."

The next few weeks were a whirlwind spent unpacking boxes in an apartment that was three times too big for one person, meeting coworkers that acted as if they'd sooner spit on me than shake my hand and learning a new job that I felt entirely unequipped for.

I woke up every morning wondering what I was doing here and went to bed every night wanting to go home. The only thing that prevented me from doing just that was the thought of how disappointed my father would be if I gave up so easily.

It didn't help that I was homesick beyond all belief. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt so alone. At one point, a few weeks after I arrived in LA, I started to think I was going crazy. I wasn't sure if it was my mind or my heart playing tricks on me, but several times I thought I had seen Edward.

First, there was the man in the crowded coffee shop with the same copper colored hair, only to disappear when I got close enough to see his face. Then, there was the time I felt like I was being watched only to be met with a pair of familiar green eyes piercing my soul that disappeared as quickly as they appeared.

As the weeks went on, things seemed to get a bit easier. I was able to decorate and buy some new furniture for the apartment, making it feel more like home. I found comfort in the smiling faces of my friends that I had placed throughout the apartment. Even the photos of Edward brought a sense of reassurance, even if it did make me miss him that much more.

The same coworkers that wouldn't even acknowledge my existence eventually started to warm up to me. Perhaps it was because I was finally starting to feel comfortable in my new position as senior editor or maybe it was because I had become friends with the "social director" of the office.

Jane knew everyone in the office. She was the human resources director and made it her personal mission to be involved in everyone's business. I liked to think of her as the LA version of Alice. Don't get me wrong, Alice was irreplaceable and my dearest friend for life, but, Jane was a force to be reckoned with…just like Alice. Plus, it was nice to have someone to confide in.

"So, let me get this straight. You had the opportunity to be with this gorgeous man," Jane said as she held Edward's picture in her hand, "and you chose to leave him and everything you know behind?"

I nodded my head as I pulled the take out containers from the bag.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you came and I think you totally deserved the job, despite the fact that everyone in the office says you only got the job because Aro wants to screw you, but damn girl. He's hot!"

I cringed at the thought of the latest office rumor. When Jane told me I was mortified because a part of me wondered if it was true. I had had my doubts all along about whether or not I was truly deserving of the opportunity I had been given. This only seemed to further cement my fears.

"Yeah, well...it's complicated," I replied.

Jane laughed. "It always is."

We sat in comfortable silence for a while, eating Chinese food and laughing at people in the office. Jane was a plethora of gossip and didn't hesitate to share it. Keep in mind, she never spilled anything about anyone that would be a violation of her position within the company, but she certainly did know who was sleeping with whom.

I nearly choked on my chow mein when she told me that Demetri, Aro's personal assistant and the man that set up my interview, had been caught having sex with Aro's seventeen year old niece in a supply closet.

"First of all, that is illegal. Second of all, how in the hell did he manage to keep that from Aro?" I asked in disbelief.

"Oh, Aro knows. But, Demetri has plenty of dirt of him, too," she laughed and waved her hand casually.

As I continued to sit and listen to all the sordid affairs that were taking place all around me, I missed Alice and Rose more than ever. I could only imagine their reaction to Jane's stories.

"My friends are going to love you," I said as I shoved more food into my mouth.

"When are they coming again?" she asked.

Rose and Emmett were due out in a few weeks. Apparently, the pediatrician she worked for recommended a fertility specialist out here for them to speak with. I hated that it wasn't under better circumstances that they were coming, but I was so excited to see my friends.

"Next week. Her and her husband, Emmett, are coming to meet with a fertility doctor," I responded.

Jane nodded her head and she continued to eat her dinner.

"Do you guys have any particular plans while you are here?" she asked.

I shook my head.

"Not really. I'm sure Rose will want to do some shopping, but other than that we'll probably just hang around here."

"You should take them to Pulse," she responded casually.

I laughed through my nose at her attempt at a joke. I hadn't lived here long, but you'd have to be living under a rock not to know that Pulse was a very exclusive club and you basically had to sign over your first born to get in.

"What? I'm serious. You didn't think my connections were limited to the glamorous world of publishing did you? My cousin is the bouncer. If you guys want to go, I can definitely get you in," she replied.

I had to admit that a night out with Rose and Emmett, drinking and dancing, did sound appealing. It had been so long since I had really cut loose and had a good time. Who knows, maybe I'd meet some new people to hang out with. My social life certainly left plenty to be desired.

"Sure! But, only on one condition, you have to come with us," I answered.

"Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss the chance to see you shaking your ass on the dance floor. If you are half as graceful dancing as you are walking a straight line, this should be fun," Jane responded while laughing.

"It was one time, Jane! I tripped one time and spilled a cup of coffee. Are you ever going to let me live that down?" I asked.

I guess it didn't help matters that I dumped the coffee all over Demetri's assistant, Lucy. Since then, she hasn't liked me much—not that I could blame her.

"You know I'm just picking on you. Besides, I'd pay money to see you dump coffee on Lucy any day," she responded.

"That reminds me, you never did tell me why you hate her so much."

Jane shook her head.

"It's a long story and it's getting late," she responded dismissively.

"So tell me this, what do you think the odds are that your friends will stuff than yummy piece of man candy in their suitcase?" she laughed.

I smiled as she laughed at her joke, but a small part of me hoped she was right. Obviously, not the part about Edward stowing away in Rose's suitcase, but I did hope that maybe time had helped change his mind about us.

I laughed when I saw Emmett struggling to carry all the luggage that Rose brought with her. I silently laughed when I realized Edward really could have fit in one of her enormous suitcases.

"Rose, what did you bring? You are only here for four days," I asked as we everything into the car.

She rolled her eyes.

"I didn't know what our plans were while we were here and I didn't want to be left without any of the bare necessities."

I snorted at the idea that her bare necessities required as many pieces of luggage as the number of days she would be here.

"We have stores here, Rose. Pretty good one from what I here," I answered sarcastically.

In truth, I hadn't stepped foot in a clothing store since I got here. Shopping just wasn't my area of expertise and with Alice to guide me I'd end paying a lot of money for clothes that made me look like a homeless person.

Rose ignored my remark as she reapplied her lip gloss in the mirror. When she took her sunglasses off, I was shocked at what I saw.

"What the hell, Rose? How did you end up with a black eye?" I asked as I shot Emmett a death glare from the rear view mirror.

"Easy, Bells, I had nothing to do with it," he answered with a laugh.

I quickly turned to Rose for an explanation as I pulled onto the highway.

I didn't miss the evil glare that Rose shot Emmett before finally offering an explanation.

"I might have gotten into a fight at the bar the other night," Rose answered sheepishly.

"What? I'm gone for six weeks and suddenly you start acting like Xena! Who'd you get into a fight with anyway?"

Even thought she didn't make eye contact with me, the blush that crept across her face did not go unnoticed by me.

"Rose?" I asked again.

She mumbled something under her breath as she covered her mouth with her hand.

"Who?" I asked as I scrunched up my eyebrows in confusion.

"Tanya! She cold-cocked Tanya in the nose and it was beautiful!" Emmett exclaimed with unadulterated glee from the backseat.

"You what" I shrieked.

"Emmett, stop it! I'm mortified at my behavior. Regardless of what I think of Tanya, I had no right to do that," Rose scolded from the front seat.

"So then why did you?" I asked.

"It's so stupid. Who am I to tell another woman how she should treat her body? It just made me so mad, you know? She was drinking and smoking, hanging out with Heidi like nothing happened. She had a chance to have something I would give anything for and she chose to throw it away," she whispered.

And now I understood.

"Oh, Rose, you'll get your chance. I've heard great things about this doctor. Apparently, she is a miracle worker in her field," I said as I reached over and held her hand.

"This is going to work, Rosie, I can feel it," Emmett said from the backseat.

Rose rolled her eyes.

"My husband...always the optimist. When I talked to the doctor on the phone, she said this was a long shot. People in our situation don't have a high success rate at fertility treatments," she replied dejectedly.

I noticed Emmett's hurt expression in the rear view mirror.

"I'm just trying to stay positive," he responded quietly.

"I know. I'm just being realistic. I can't afford to get my hopes up and neither can you," she answered coldly.

The silence in the car was palpable. I didn't know what to say that would make either of them feel better so I decided to just stay quiet.

It broke my heart as I saw a tear slide down her cheek. I could only hope that this doctor could help Rose and Emmett because if anyone deserved a baby it was these two.

Just like Jane said, she managed to get us into Pulse on Saturday night. The place was packed with more beautiful people than should be allowed. From the moment I walked in, I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb.

It didn't help matters that the dress Rose picked out for me was way too short. I kept tugging at the hem to make sure I was covered up.

"Bella, would you relax. You look great! And stop fidgeting," Jane said as we walked out of the bathroom.

"She's always been like this. As long as I've known her she always second guessed herself. Alice and I have been trying for years to get her to see herself like everyone else does. Maybe you will have more luck than us," Rose said as we made our way back to Emmett.

"Tell me about it! Girls in this town pay a lot of money to look as good as she does. The guys in the office can't keep their eyes off her and that's why all the girls hate her," she said to Rose.

I decided to ignore the fact that they were talking about me like I wasn't there. I was just grateful they were getting along.

After a few drinks and a little coaching, I finally went out on the dance floor with the girls. We were dancing and laughing with each other when I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Suddenly, I felt like I was being watched.

I spun around in search of the eyes I just knew were on me. The place was packed and there were bodies everywhere. It was impossible to make anything out in the sea of people and I was just about to give up when I caught sight of a familiar pair of green eyes. As quickly as I saw them, they were gone.

My body was moving on its own accord. As I forced my way through the throngs of people, I vaguely heard Rose calling my name from behind. Eventually, her voice was drowned out by the music.

I pushed my way through the nearest exit and realized I was standing alone in an alley on the side of the club. I looked around for any sign that what I had seen was real, but I was alone. I listened intently for the sound of footsteps in the distance, but the only thing that could be heard was my heavy breathing and the muffled sounds of the music coming from inside the club.

"Bella, what the hell was that?" Emmett's voice boomed as he opened the door I had just exited.

I jumped at the sound of his voice.

"Edward. I saw Edward," I said as I turned around.

Rose and Emmett gave each other a weary glance.

"That's impossible," Emmett responded.

"I know what I saw, Emmett," I argued angrily.

"Maybe it was just someone that looked like him, Bells. Rose, tell her," he continued.

Rose bit her lip.

"Maybe it was. It's not like any of us know where he is right now," she answered hesitantly.

I quickly spun around to look at Rose. During their stay, I had carefully avoided any topics of Edward. I didn't really want to know what…or who…he was doing, so I didn't ask. Rose and Emmett also managed to skate around any topics that might have involved him. I just assumed that was because they didn't want to upset me, but now I was confused and curious.

"What do you mean you don't know where he is?" I asked incredulously.

Rose gave Emmett an apologetic look and he nodded.

"We haven't seen him in a couple of weeks. The guys had an intervention of sorts and he disappeared shortly after," she answered.

An intervention? Weren't those usually things you had when someone was an alcoholic or drug addict? What were they having an intervention with Edward about?

"I don't understand," I said as I scrunched up my eyebrows in confusion.

Emmett took a deep breath.

"Soon after you left, Edward changed. He quit going out with us, quit showing up at work. All he did was drink all night and sleep all day. Eventually, Jasper and I confronted him. Apparently, he didn't like what we had to say because he disappeared," he explained.

"Did you call his parents—I mean, Esme and Carlisle?" I asked.

Rose nodded her head.

"We tried, but they are out of town. Apparently, they went to Italy for their anniversary," she answered.

We stood there in silence. I tried to absorb what I had just been told. Edward had started drinking again, evidently enough to worry Jasper and Emmett, and had now disappeared. So many questions were swirling through my mind. If that really was Edward I had seen, why did he run from me? And if it wasn't Edward, where was he?

Monday morning rolled around and I was still plagued with uneasiness about Edward's disappearance. It wasn't unusual for him to vanish when things got too hard, but usually someone could track him down. I had even gotten desperate enough to call his cell phone a few times, only to get his voicemail.

I'd be lying if I said hearing his voice didn't make my heart hurt. I just needed to know that he was okay. I was still convinced that it was him in the club Saturday night, but I couldn't explain why he would have run from me.

Rose and Emmett had their meeting with the fertility doctor in the morning and then they were coming to the office at lunch time. Along with my concerns for Edward, I was also worried about them. You'd have to be blind to miss the strain that this was putting on their marriage. I could only hope that the doctor would have good news for them.

"Miss Swan, you have visitors," my assistant, Maria, buzzed a little before noon.

"Thank you," I replied.

After showing them around the office, we made our way out of the building. We had just enough time for lunch before I had to drop them off at the airport.

"Bella, I'm really sorry. Jasper and I thought we were helping when we talked to Edward. You know how he is, sometimes he just needs a kick in the ass to do the right thing," Emmett said apologetically as we ate our lunch.

I nodded my head,

"I know. I'm sure he's fine. Edward can take care of himself," I answered reassuringly.

I wasn't sure who I was trying to convince.

"So, you guys didn't tell me how the appointment went," I said trying to change the subject.

Rose swallowed her food.

"Apparently, after reviewing my files the doctor thinks we have a fifty-fifty chance of conceiving. I have to give myself injections every day and then we come back in a few months for another procedure," she said.

"That's great!" I exclaimed.

Even though I knew she was trying to hide it, I saw a glimmer of hope in her eyes.

After lunch, we made our way to the airport in silence. I was trying to hold back the tears that I knew were building behind my eyes. It had been so nice to have them around these past few days; I just wasn't ready to be alone again.

After exchanging tearful goodbyes, I watched them disappear into the airport terminal. All the self-doubt that had plagued me before they arrived quickly returned as I made my way back to the office. No matter what Jane or Rose said about me, I still wasn't convinced I belonged here.

When I arrived at the office, I decided to go visit Jane. We hadn't talked since we got separated from each other at the club and I wanted to explain my strange behavior. I could hear hushed voices from within her office as I approached, so I quickly decided to come back later. Just as I turned around to head back to my office I heard my name. I stopped in my tracks and quietly walked closer to the cracked door.

"You have no idea what you are talking about, Lucy," Jane whispered.

"Please! The only reason you are pretending to give two shits about Bella is so you can keep an eye on her. Everyone knows you have a thing for Aro and everyone knows he has a thing for her. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, right Jane," Lucy whispered back.

I didn't stop to listen to the rest of the conversation. I didn't want to know any more than I already did. I suddenly felt sick. The only thing that was making this new job bearable was my new found friendship with Jane. Now that I didn't have that, what was I doing here?

I spent the rest of the day in my office with my head buried in my work. I ignored her calls and purposely waited until I knew Jane was gone for the day before I left work. I didn't know how to face her or how to ask her about what I had overheard. In the end, I decided to just pull away from her. It's not like we were best friends so I was sure she wouldn't be too concerned when I quit hanging out with her.

What I didn't understand was why she even felt threatened by me in the first place. It's not like I had expressed any interest in Aro. In fact, I thought it was glaringly obvious that I was still hopelessly in love with Edward. Don't get me wrong, I could see his appeal. He was relatively young, dark hair and skin, and piercing blue eyes. But those eyes didn't hold a candle to the green ones that I saw every time I closed mine.

After two bottles of wine and unanswered calls to both Alice and Rose, I decided to call Edward again. I dialed his number, expecting it to go straight to voicemail and got nervous when it started to ring. My heart was hammering in anticipation of hearing his voice on the other end of the line. After the third ring, I realized he wasn't going to answer. Was he screening his calls and avoiding me? I suddenly questioned what I was going to say and was just about to hang when his voicemail picked up.

Before I realized it, words were spilling out of my mouth.

"Edward, hey, this is Bella. I'm not even sure if its okay for me to be calling you, but I just…I miss you. I think I made a mistake. I don't belong here. I just need…"

As my brain finally caught up to my mouth, I hung up the phone. Now was not the time, drunk and lonely, to say things I might regret. Instead, I finished the rest of my wine and passed out on my couch. Tuesday morning was going to be hell.

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Okay, so what do you think of Jane? Friend or foe? And where in the hell is Edward? Did Bella really see him? What do you guys want to see in the next chapter? Leave me some love! xoxo Dana


	21. This Is Your Life

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. However, I do own this story. Please do not plagiarize or duplicate without my consent.

Hello again! I hope all my American readers had a fabulous Thanksgiving! The next chapter is from EPOV, so we get a little insight into what he has been going through since Bella has been gone. It's not an easy one to read, but I'm a firm believer that sometime people have to reach their lowest in order to rise above it.

Before you read it, I want to take a minute to thank everyone who took the time to review the last chapter: **bellarina1, kissyfur, brilliantbrunettegoddess (also a new reader!), coloradoperson, Sylvia Cullen (also a new reader! She also had several stories written, so check them out if you are looking for something new to read), lili82, harlequinnegirl, melee03, aliiice, vivarobsten, grabadietcoke, romanceisbliss, shlly & liveindakota. **Every review you leave means so much. I appreciate everyone's thoughts and ideas.

Alright, enough mushy stuff. Here it is! Let me know what you think and, as usual, I will send you a teaser of the next chapter!

Enjoy! Xoxo Dana

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**Chapter 21 ~ This Is Your Life (EPOV)**

(Chapter Song: "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down)

I fumbled around aimlessly for the source of the incessant buzzing on my bedside table. I knew it was my cell phone, but what I didn't know was who the hell would call it this fucking early in the morning. _Someone with a death wish, that's who!_

"Hello?" I snapped into the receiver.

"Christ, Edward, did I wake you up? What are you still doing in bed this time of day?" Alice asked, sounding way too chipper for my taste.

"Because I have a fucking headache. What's it to you anyway?" I barked into the phone.

I knew I was taking my mood out on Alice for no reason, but quite frankly I was pissed. I was pissed at Bella for leaving, pissed at myself for not going with her and pissed at the bottle of Jim Beam I polished off last night for making me feel like shit.

You would've thought watching Bella walk out the door for the second time would've been easier. Well, you'd be wrong. It's never easy to watch the person you love walk away, especially when you know you can stop it. I knew I had to let her go and I knew I couldn't go with her.

"Whatever, Edward," she said. I could practically see her eyes rolling as she responded.

"We're all going out tonight. Jasper wanted to know if you wanted to come?" she asked, sounding hopeful.

I dragged my fingers through my hair as I sat up in bed. I glanced at the clock and realized it wasn't as early as I thought. I guess I was knocked out longer than I realized.

"Yeah, fine, whatever," I responded as I stood up.

As soon as my feet touched the floor, my head started to pound and my stomach lurched. I quickly lay back down and prayed that the room would stop spinning.

"Fine, meet us at The Blue Room at seven," she with a huff.

Before I could respond, I heard a car horn and a string of profanities on the other end of the phone.

"Jesus Christ, Alice, what the hell?" I asked as I pulled the phone away from my ear and cringed at the loud noise.

"Sorry. Some dumbass just cut me off. I hate fucking airport traffic," she responded.

As soon as she mentioned the word airport, I realized she had just dropped Bella off. I fought the urge to throw the phone across the room and settled for the empty bottle of Jim Beam that was sitting beside the bed. Everything felt wrong and I felt powerless to do anything to fix it. Like it or not, this was my motherfucking life.

"What was that?" Alice asked.

"Nothing. Listen, I gotta go. I'll see you at seven," I responded and hung up the phone before she could say anything else.

I was late getting to the bar, so I was surprised no one else was there yet. When I walked in, I saw Tanya and Heidi huddled in a corner booth laughing and drinking. I couldn't help but wonder if things in this god forsaken town ever changed. Same people, telling the same lies. I was bored with all of it, yet knew there was no point in fighting the inevitable.

"What can I do for you?" the waitress asked seductively as she slid in beside me at the bar.

"Jack and Coke. Fuck that, skip the Coke. Just bring me a double Jack on the rocks," I said as I tried to ignore her lame attempt at flirting.

"Sure thing. If there's anything else I can do for you, anything at all,, please don't hesitate to ask," she responded as she ran her finger up my arm before she turned and walked away.

I discreetly rolled my eyes at the obvious double meaning behind her words.

"Nice to see you're not wasting any time getting back to your old self."

I cringed at the familiar voice from behind.

"What the fuck are you talking about, Tanya?" I asked as I turned around.

"I'm just saying, Bella hasn't even been gone twenty four hours and you're back on the prowl," she said with a knowing smirk on her face.

"Shut the fuck up. You don't get to say her name. Bella's is too good and too pure for her name to be tainted by your dirty fucking mouth," I said, seething with anger.

I continued to stare at Tanya when I caught sight of Rose and Alice making their way towards us. Alice had a fearful expression on her face and was grabbing Rose's arm, but Rose seemed determined and simply shook her off. Alice quickly darted off in the direction of Emmett and Jasper, but the place had quickly become crowded and she was having a hard time making her way through the crowd.

My attention was quickly diverted back to Tanya as she laughed. There wasn't a trace of humor behind it, so I couldn't help but wonder what she was up to or what she was thinking.

"If she's so fucking perfect, did she tell you she was sneaking around the prison talking to your father?"

I scoffed at her pitiful attempt to discredit Bella. She would never go behind my back like that. Would she? Besides, what possible reason would she have for doing something like that?

"Is that the best you've got? I would've thought getting knocked up by your best friend's boyfriend and then having an abortion would've humbled you a little bit, Tanya, but you are still the same jealous, petty, vindictive little bitch you've always been," I said.

As soon as the words left my mouth, Tanya reached back and slapped me across the cheek. I had been so busy contemplating what she had just said, that I didn't even have a chance to stop her. I slowly reached up and rubbed the spot on my face where she hit me. I could feel the anger vibrating off me in waves.

"I'm not lying! Ask her! Ask your perfect fucking Bella what her and daddy dearest talked about. Do you think they talked about how fucked up you are? Do you think they laughed about how you still cry in your sleep over your dead mother?"

Was it possible she was telling the truth? Why would she do that? Why wouldn't she tell me if she did? I knew I needed to get away from this situation. I was getting close to snapping and as much as I wanted to, I knew smacking the shit out of Tanya was not the right answer.

Before I could turn to walk away, Tanya was suddenly jerked back by her hair. In my anger and confusion, I hadn't noticed that Rose had come up behind Tanya and overheard the entire exchange.

"What the hell?" Tanya asked in shock.

"Stay the fuck away from him, slut!" Rose screamed as she pointed her finger in Tanya's face.

"Why don't you mind your own fucking business, bitch," Tanya exclaimed.

Before I could even stop it, Rose pulled her arm back and punched Tanya right in the nose. Tanya screamed and grabbed her nose while I watched with a mixture of horror and jubilation at the scene unfolding before me. I may not have been able to hit Tanya, but at least someone was getting their licks in.

I quickly realized that we were gaining unwanted attention from the crowd and decided I better step in before Rose got in trouble.

"Rose, maybe we should…," I started, but immediately stopped when she shot me an evil look.

I watched as Rose got within an inch of Tanya's face with a menacing glare that had even me a little frightened. Tanya's eyes widened as Rose got closer and I could tell she was scared of what might be coming next. Her eyes were darting around looking for anyone who might come to her rescue, but there was no one.

"I know what you did. Everyone knows what you did. I would say that you should be ashamed of yourself, but you have no shame. Any woman that would do that to her best friend doesn't deserve a child. I hope you rot in hell," she whispered so low that even I had a hard time hearing her.

Suddenly, Tanya's arm snapped up and slapped Rose across the face. I was grateful to see Emmett as he ran up behind Rose and wrapped his arms around her waist, effectively pulling her away from Tanya. The look of fury and hatred that was in her eyes after Tanya slapped her was chilling.

"Everything okay here?" Emmett asked as he wrestled with Rose to hold her back.

Alice and Jasper were standing behind him with equally shocked and bewildered expressions as they surveyed the situation. Rose's lip was bleeding, but not as bad as Tanya's nose.

"I'm fine, Emmett, let me go," Rose said as she shook herself free of Emmett's grasp.

"Come on, Pixie, I need a fucking drink," she said as she grabbed Alice and walked away, but not before she spit a mouthful of blood at Tanya's feet.

Jasper, Emmett and I watched in awe as Rose walked away. She was so calm and collected; you'd have never known she just broke somebody's nose.

"Your wife is one scary bitch," Jasper finally said, causing us all to erupt into laughter.

The rest of the night was, thankfully, uneventful. I tried to suppress Tanya's words about Bella into the back of my mind, but was failing miserably. I considered asking Alice about it, but decided not to. From what I could tell, Alice didn't want to talk about Bella. No one did for that matter. It was like she didn't exist.

I sat quietly and listened as everyone talked about the weather, their jobs, and every other inane topic they could come up with. It was obvious that everyone was trying to avoid the topic of Bella's departure, whether it was for my benefit or not didn't matter—it was pissing me off.

"Guys, I'm going to head home. I have to be at work early in the morning," I said as I threw down some cash on the table to cover my tab.

"But, Edward…," Jasper started, but I was out the door before he could finish.

When I got home, I tossed and turned trying to fall asleep only to see Bella's face every time I closed my eyes. Eventually, I gave up on trying to sleep and went to the freezer. I pulled out the bottle of vodka and took a long, hard sip. I welcomed the burn only because it reminded me that I was still alive—even if I didn't want to be.

The next few weeks passed in similar fashion. Get up, go to work, come home, get drunk, and pass out. Get up, go to work, come home, get drunk, and pass out. For a while, I even went through the motions of going out for drinks with Jasper and Emmett or meeting up with everyone for drinks at the bar or dinner at Alice and Jasper's. Eventually, I gave up on that. Bella's absence was like a giant elephant in the room that no one wanted to discuss.

I wanted to scream at them all, "Do you see that big motherfucking elephant? Cause I sure as hell do!"

She wasn't dead for Christ's sake. She moved away. She had another life, I knew she did, they knew she did. So why couldn't any of them talk about it

I had successfully managed to make up excuses for avoiding them, but eventually they sounded lame even to me. So, one day, when Jasper called and invited me over to his house for dinner I couldn't even find a legitimate excuse for saying no.

"Uh…sure…what time?" I asked hesitantly.

"Friday night, seven o'clock. Alice doesn't think you're going to show up," Jasper joked…sort of.

I chuckled nervously because I knew, even though he was trying to play it off as a joke, they were genuinely concerned I wouldn't show. It's not like I had been Mr. Fucking Reliable the past few weeks. I showed up at work whenever I felt like it, sometimes still drunk. I wasn't much use when I was there either, so usually Garrett, my general manager, would send me home. Eventually, I quit going in all together. He had that shit taken care of and I only seemed to be in the way.

"I'll be there," I said.

"Are you sure? Because for whatever reason, Alice seems to really want you to come and she's going to a lot of trouble cooking this dinner," he said seriously.

"Christ, Jasper, yes, I will be there. I promise. Tell Alice that I wouldn't miss her cooking for anything," I said, trying to sound as sincere as possible, but in the end it sounded more patronizing than anything.

"Fine, whatever, see you at seven," he said and hung up without saying goodbye.

The rest of the week dragged on. No matter how hard I tried to ignore them, my thoughts were consumed with Bella. What was she doing right now? How was her job going? Had she made new friends? Had she met someone new? I tried _really_ hard to ignore that particular question. Eventually my thoughts drifted to what Tanya had said.

Why would Bella go visit my father? I tried to convince myself Tanya was lying, but a small voice in the back of my mind knew she wasn't. At one point, I was so desperate, and drunk, that I even considered going to see my father and asking him. That was a really low point for me, considering I swore our last meeting would be the first and last time I ever visited him.

I knew I was in bad shape. I didn't need anyone to tell me that. The more time that past, the more I realized how vital Bella was to my survival. I know most would say that kind of a codependent relationship wasn't healthy, but fuck them. Take a look at me. Do I look healthy now?

One night, I stumbled in to some random bar on the outskirts of town. I'd tell you the name if I remembered. Or gave a fuck. I'd quit going to any of my usual spots because, well, most of them refused to serve me at this point.

As I made my way up to the bar, I noticed a tall blonde with her back to me. I couldn't put my finger on it, but something about her seemed familiar. I downed a few shots of something and turned my attention back to whatever football game was on at the time.

"Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in. Edward fucking Cullen," I heard a voice say from behind.

"Jessica Stanley, just who I was looking for," I said with a wink as I turned around to face the familiar voice.

Suddenly, I had the brilliant idea that maybe I could fuck Bella out of my system. Last time I saw Jessica was shortly after Bella left me…the first time. She was more than willing to keep my mind otherwise "occupied" at the time; I was hoping times hadn't changed.

"You look like shit," she said with the corner of her mouth lifted up in a smirk.

I chuckled.

"Yeah, but I make shit look good," I answered back with my best panty dropping smile.

"That you do," she whispered as she leaned in closer.

Jackpot.

As she got closer, I could smell her perfume. It was too strong and made my nose burn. Jessica was always relatively good looking, but once you got up close you could tell she wore way too much make up. I always hated fucking her because she'd get that shit all over the sheets. At this point, I didn't care. I could burn the fucking sheets if I had to.

All I knew was that I couldn't keep going on like this. I was desperate to forget Bella and drinking just wasn't cutting it anymore. Even when I was passed out, she was creeping her way into my dreams. I needed a release from the pain of losing her yet again.

Jessica sat down at one of the empty barstools and I ordered her a drink. It wasn't long before we were both very drunk and I was bored. There was only so long I could pretend to give a rat's ass about her new job, her ex-boyfriend or how much she always hoped we could be more than fuck buddies.

Finally, right in the middle of one her rants, I reached across the bar and kissed her. I put as much effort as I could into making it seem sincere and passionate, when in reality I just needed her to shut the fuck up.

"What do you say we go back to my place?" I asked once she finally pulled away.

Her face was flushed and she was gasping for air. I smiled when I saw a wicked smirk flash across her face.

"Lead the way," she whispered seductively.

As I stood up to leave, I heard a voice screaming at me inside my head.

"Don't do this. She won't make _her_ disappear. You'll only hurt _her_ in the end," the voice screamed.

Even the voice knew better than to say Bella's name.

"Hold on, Jessica," I said as I looked in the direction of the bartender.

"Give me another shot of whatever," I said.

The bartender eyed me cautiously.

"I'm not driving, give me the fucking shot," I demanded.

I was going to shut that damn voice up one way or another.

After I downed the shot, I grabbed Jessica's hand and pulled her out the door.

When we got back to my place, I didn't waste much time for foreplay. I had Jessica's shirt off by the time we reached the top of my stairs and I continued to kiss her while I fumbled with my keys in the door.

"Edward," Jessica panted as I threw her down on the couch.

"Slow down," she continued.

There was no time to slow down. I knew if I slowed down long enough to think, I wouldn't be able to go through with it.

I kissed her lips roughly to muffle her words. But, it was too late. All it took was that one moment of hesitation and I was assaulted with thoughts and memories of Bella. Making love to her on this very couch, the sounds she made when I kissed her, the feel of her skin on my fingertips. This was all wrong. Jessica was all wrong.

I pushed away from her and stood up.

"I think I'm going to throw up. You can sleep on the couch or go home, but either way, this isn't happening tonight," I said as I walked away from her.

I didn't even bother to look back as I walked to my room and slammed the door. I grabbed the nearest item I could find, which just so happened to be yet another empty bottle of alcohol, and threw it across the room.

I sat down on the edge of the bed and cried. I'd done so many things these past few weeks to try and deal with my emotions, but this was the first time I'd let myself truly feel the pain of losing Bella.

Finally, when all my tears had run dry, I closed my eyes and willed myself to go to sleep. I silently prayed to whatever God there may be that I sleep a dreamless sleep because I wasn't sure my heart couldn't bear to face her right now, even in my dreams.

The next morning I was abruptly awoken by someone pounding on my door. I jumped up and looked around in confusion. I was hung over, disoriented, and pissed off that someone would come to my place at this ungodly hour banging on my door,

"What the fuck?" I yelled as I tripped over my shoes and stumbled to the door.

I made my way into the living and was surprised to see Jessica passed out on my couch. _This morning just keeps getting better and better._

There was another loud series of knocks on my door.

"Stop banging on my fucking door, I'm coming," I said as I grabbed the door and swung it open.

I jumped back when I saw Jasper and Emmett standing there.

"Something better be on fire for you to be banging of my goddamned door at this time of the day," I demanded as I turned around and walked away, leaving the door open for them to follow me in.

I quickly spun around to stop them when I realized what they were about to see, but it was too late. Emmett and Jasper were standing in the middle of my living room staring at a half dressed Jessica drooling on my couch.

"Is this why you didn't show up, you sorry piece of shit?" Jasper whispered as he poked me in the chest.

"I can explain," I said as I rubbed the spot where Jasper had just poked me.

"And what exactly didn't I show up for?" I asked.

Jasper took a step forward with his fists clenched, but Emmett stopped him before he could do anything.

"What the fuck has gotten into you?" I demanded.

"You promised me, promised my wife, that you would come to dinner last night. We thought something bad had happened to you when you didn't show and you didn't answer your phone. Now I see you were just being the fuck up we all know and hate," Jasper yelled.

"Dude, Jasper, calm down," Emmett said as he pushed Jasper away from me.

Before I could respond, Jessica sat up and quickly looked around the room.

"I…what…maybe I…," she stammered.

"Just get the fuck out," I yelled as I pointed to the door.

We all watched as she quickly gathered her clothes and bolted for the door. I flinched when I heard it slam because, damn if I didn't have to worst motherfucking headache.

"Come on, man, Jessica Stanley? I wouldn't fuck her with Jasper's dick," Emmett joked, as Jasper and I continued to stare each other down.

"I didn't fuck her," I said as I turned around and headed for the kitchen.

I heard them both enter behind me as I opened a bottle of water and took some aspirin.

"Why should we believe you?" Jasper asked.

"Why wouldn't you?" I asked incredulously.

"Because your word isn't worth shit to me right now, Edward," he answered.

"I'm sorry. I completely forgot about the dinner. I didn't even realize that last night was Friday," I explained.

Both of them looked at me with a mixture of pity and disgust.

"Maybe if you quit drinking every fucking chance you get, you'd have a little more awareness of what your behavior is doing to those around you. You can be so selfish sometimes. You think the world revolves around you," Jasper said as he walked around the kitchen throwing empty liquor bottle and beer cans into the trash.

"And I suppose you agree with him too, huh, Emmett?" I asked as I turned away from Jasper.

"Well, not in those exact words," he responded sheepishly.

I nodded my head as I dragged my fingers though my hair. That simple motion made my head throb even more causing me to groan.

"I said I was sorry. Tell Alice I'll make it up to her," I said apologetically.

Jasper didn't respond, he just continued to clean up my mess.

"We all know this is hard. We miss her too," Emmett said calmly.

I felt a new fissure tear at my heart at the mere suggestion of her. I could feel my heart falling apart piece by piece and it was clear that Bella had been the only thing keeping it together all this time.

"Damn straight we miss her, but she left _us_. She didn't leave you, you let her go," Jasper finally said as he threw the last of the liquor bottles into the trash.

"Jasper," Emmett said.

"No, he needs to hear this shit. You made a choice, Edward. Either it's one you can live or one you can't. Either way, it was _your_ choice. Bella wanted you to go with her; she practically begged you and you said no. Did you stop for one second to think what that did to her? No. Because you only think about yourself," he ranted.

I stood there with my mouth agape, shocked at Jasper's outburst. He was always the calm, rational one. Yet here he was, ripping me a new one and I couldn't even argue with him. Everything he said was right.

"Either go after her or get over her, but this," he said as he pointed to the trash can that was now overflowing with empty alcohol containers, "has to stop."

"You're scaring the girls and quite frankly, you're pissing me and Emmett off," Jasper added as he made his way to the door.

I turned to Emmett for some kind of support or reassurance, but there was none.

"He's right. I'm not going to tell you whether I think you made the right choice or not, because it's not my choice to make. But, either way, you've got to find a way to move forward. None of us are going to sit by anymore and watch you self-destruct," he said as he walked out of the kitchen.

"Fix it, Edward," Jasper said as the front door slammed behind them.

I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. I raced to the bathroom just in time to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet. Considering I hadn't eaten much in the past few days, it was mostly liquid. When I was finished, I staggered to the sink to rinse out my mouth. I was shocked at what I saw when I looked in the mirror.

I barely recognized the reflection staring back at me. My face was sunken in and there dark circles under my eyes and they were red and puffy from crying the night before. I thought back to my behavior these past few weeks and it only angered my even further. What if Bella could see me now? What if she had seen me last night with Jessica?

I didn't know where to turn or what to do. I was fighting an inner battle that I didn't stand a chance at winning. I had one side, fighting for its survival, begging me to run to Bella as quickly as I could. But there was the other side, telling me that I couldn't be with her, I shouldn't be with her because it was her own good.

I continued to stare of myself in the mirror. I could feel myself shaking in anger. My fists were clenched at my sides and I felt an overwhelming urge to scream, cry, beat someone, and run all at the same time. It was like my anger was a rubber band, being wound tighter and tighter. Before I could stop myself, I slammed my fist into the mirror.

The sound of glass shattering echoed within the enclosed space causing me to flinch. I was so blinded with rage that I didn't realize that it was me causing the damage. I just continued to punch the mirror repeatedly. By the time I came to, the mirror was destroyed and my hand was a bloodied mess.

I knew in that instant, as I watched the blood flow freely from my knuckles, that I had quite possibly reached my lowest point. I wasn't sure how I would ever recover from the knowledge that I had willingly let the best thing that had ever happened to me walk away.

Without even thinking, I ran to the bedroom and began to throw whatever I could get my hands on into a bag. I bandaged my hand with a towel and continued to pack. I wasn't sure where I was going, but I just knew I had to go away before I did anymore damage to the people around me.

As I climbed in the car, I called the first person that came to mind.

"Hey, can I come over?"

* * *

I do want to say one thing- Rose's attack on Tanya is in no way a reflection on my position regarding abortion. It was merely how I felt someone in her shoes, desperately trying to have a baby, would feel about someone who so callously chose otherwise. My story is purely about entertainment, not about making a political statement.

So, what did you think? Our poor Edward is just so lost without Bella. Sometimes two people are better together than they are apart. If only they could realize this! Who do you think Edward called? Please keep in mind, we still don't know if Bella saw Edward in LA as we haven't gotten that far yet. This is right after the "intervention", Rose and Emmett haven't even made their trip to LA yet. The next chapter is also from EPOV, so maybe we will get the answer then. Again, leave me some love and I'll send you a teaser!

Xoxo Dana


	22. The Bottom of it All

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. However, I do own this story. Please do not plagiarize or duplicate without my consent.

Hello my lovelies! Thanks for sticking around. It seems like most of you enjoyed the Tanya beat down! LOL I think she had it coming to her too, only because of the way she talks about Bella.

As always, thank you all so much for the reviews. I was a little sad because I got a bad review this last time. It wasn't even for my most recent chapter. The person just basically didn't like my story. It's not that I cared that they didn't like it, it is up to everyone what they like to read or not read, but they didn't even have anything constructive say. It hurt my feelings. Us writers put ourselves out there every time we post a new chapter. We don't expect everyone to love it, but we do…at least I do…expect everyone to respect us. Anyway, I am so grateful too all my loyal readers, even the lurkers that don't comment, for giving me the support I need to continue to put myself out there week after week. The sad thing is, no matter how many good reviews I get, it's the bad ones that stick with me. Oh well, I've got to shake it off and move on!

That being said, I want to take a moment like I always do to specifically thank those of you that do leave me some love.

**Vivarobsten, grabadietcoke, melee03, zerofiran (a new reader and reviewer, xoxo), coloradoperson, lili82, sunshinegal3 (also a new reader and reviewer, xoxo), Liveindakota (my rock), aliiice, bellarina1, hopelessromanticatheart, kissyfur, tkeaton1, and romanceisbliss**

You ladies keep me pushing through. It is nice to know that even if no one else reads or reviews my story, I can count on you! XOXOXOXOXO

Okay, so here is the next installment in EPOV. He takes a few big steps forward in this chapter, but it's not the end of the road for him. He still has some issues that must be addressed.

So, here it is. Leave me some love and I'll get the teaser for Chapter 23 out to you as soon as I finish it. Enjoy! Xoxo Dana

* * *

**Chapter 22 ~ The Bottom of it All**

(Chapter Song: "Black" by Pearl Jam)

"_I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star  
In somebody else's sky, but why, why, why  
Can't it be, can't it be mine"_

"Mom?" I yelled as I walked through the front door.

Something about coming here always put my mind at ease. It was the first place as a child that I ever remember feeling safe. I suppose some things never change. I continued to make my way into the house and after a quick scan of the living room; I noticed several suitcases lined up in the corner.

"In here, honey," Esme called from the other room.

When I walked into the kitchen, I saw her hunched over the counter furiously crossing things off a list. She was the queen of lists. I used to joke with her that she made lists to remind herself to make a list.

"So, the feds finally found you guys, huh?" I asked as I walked up behind her and kissed her on the top of her head.

"Huh, who are the feds? What are you talking about?" she asked without looking up.

I chuckled.

"I just saw all the bags in the living room, it was a joke…about you and Dad going on the run…from the police," I explained.

"That's nice, dear," she responded absentmindedly while she chewed thoughtfully on the end of her pen.

I rolled my eyes as I leaned against the counter. I crossed my arms over my chest and watched with amusement as she pondered something obviously very important since she had yet to smother me with kisses. After a few minutes passed, I began to anxiously tap my foot.

"I'm sorry. What were…," she finally started to ask but abruptly stopped when her eyes met mine.

"Edward, are you okay? You look terrible," she said as she walked closer.

I dragged my fingers through my hair nervously. I knew I would have to explain my appearance and my behavior over the last few weeks and I wasn't looking forward to that.

Before I could answer, she gasped.

"What happened to hand?" she asked with a look of panic in her eyes.

"Carlisle, get down here!" she demanded.

The volume of her voice caused me to jump. She was usually very soft spoken, so it always took me by surprise when she raised her voice.

"Mom, calm down. I'm fine. You should see the other guy," I joked.

I regretted the words the moment they left my mouth.

"Edward Anthony Cullen, did you get in another fight?" she asked as she narrowed her eyes at me in anger.

"Relax. I just punched the mirror in my apartment. I was just joking about the other guy," I explained with my hands help up in surrender.

"You think you're so funny. I still don't know what you were talking about earlier. Why would the police be looking for me and your father?" she asked as she grabbed a dishtowel and began cleaning the wounds on my hand.

"Again, it was a joke. Because of all the suitcases," I said expectantly.

"Oh, that. Your father and I are leaving in a few days for Italy. It's our anniversary next week," she explained as she continued patching up my hand.

I winced a few times as she picked a few remaining pieces of glass out of my knuckles.

"Your father should be doing this. Where is he?" she continued.

"What should I be doing?" Carlisle asked as he descended the stairs.

"Finally!" Esme said as she passed my hand over to Carlisle.

"Well, Edward, it certainly looks like you've been keeping busy. Dare I ask what or who happened?" he asked as put his glasses on and began to take a look at my hand.

It didn't go unnoticed that he wasn't making eye contact with me. That usually only meant one thing—he was not happy with me.

"I…uh…I punched the mirror in my apartment," I answered.

I watched warily as he walked over to his medicine bag and pulled out a few items needed to stitch me up. Seeing as how I have a knack for needing medical attention, usually due to my temper getting the best of me, he has come to my rescue on more than one occasion. I knew I was lucky to have such a gifted doctor at my beck and call, but I also knew he tended to be a little less gentle when he was pissed. I was not looking forward to this.

"Uh huh. And what exactly did this mirror do to you to provoke such a response?" he asked as he began stitching up the cuts across my knuckles.

I grimaced as the needle entered my skin and had to grit my teeth as the thread tugged at my sensitive skin.

"Ouch!" I exclaimed.

He quickly glanced up in my direction at my outburst before averting his eyes back down to the task at hand.

"It's been a long couple of weeks," I answered barely above a whisper.

"Does this have something to do with Bella?" Esme asked as she handed me a sandwich I hadn't realized she had made.

I looked at her questioningly.

"Eat! You're too thin," she demanded as she pushed the sandwich in my face.

I sighed in defeat before grabbing the sandwich. She continued to glare at me until I took a bite.

"Happy?" I mumbled with a mouthful of sandwich.

"Ecstatic," she responded sarcastically.

"Well, does it?" she continued.

I nodded my head as I watched Carlisle finish the last stitch.

"Is she okay? Is she happy in LA?" Esme asked as she put away the sandwich materials.

"I guess so. I haven't spoken to her since she left," I answered.

"Then why are you going around getting into fights with inanimate objects, Edward?" Carlisle asked sternly while he put away the medical supplies.

"Because I miss her, damnit!" I exclaimed as I tossed the sandwich back on the plate.

Esme cocked her eyebrow at me and put her hands on her hips. I stood there for a moment wondering what she was staring at when she nodded her head in the direction of the sandwich.

I sighed and took another bite. Why do mother's always feel the need to feed you when you come for a visit?

"You don't get to miss her, Edward," Carlisle responded.

I looked at him incredulously.

"What do you mean I don't get to miss her? I have every damn right to miss her! I fucking love her!" I answered.

"Language, Edward," Esme said.

I couldn't help but chuckle at her reprimand. Even after all these years, she was still the boss.

"I think what your father is trying to say, in a rather insensitive way," she said as she glared at Carlisle, "is that you made the choice to let her go."

At least I wasn't the only one getting the stink eye from her.

"Of course you can miss her. But not in this self-destructive manner," she continued as she took the empty plate from my hand.

"Why did you let her go?" Carlisle asked.

"Because I want Bella to be happy, to be loved the way she deserves. I want her to be able to get married and have kids," I said fighting the tears that were building behind my eyes.

Even though I wanted all those things for Bella, it still hurt to imagine her having that life with someone else. I was caught between two worlds. The one that I knew I belonged in—the one where I didn't deserve Bella and the one I wanted so badly—the one I knew I wasn't capable of.

"And you don't think Bella can have all of that with you?" Esme asked sympathetically.

I couldn't speak because of the lump that had formed in my throat. I shook my head, causing a few tears to fall. I quickly wiped them away because I didn't want them to see me cry.

She sighed as she walked slowly towards me, causing me to instinctively look down. She reached up and wiped away the tears that continued to fall at will, while tracing the dark circles under my eyes with her thumb.

"My sweet boy, you don't see yourself very clearly. I know you think you are broken beyond repair, and in some ways you are, but that doesn't mean you aren't capable of love, and it certainly doesn't mean that you aren't deserving of it," she whispered.

I could no longer control the tears or the sobs that wracked my chest. Hearing her say that I was capable and deserving of love, only made me realize how wrong I truly thought she was.

I knew my mother died because I begged her to leave. She thought I deserved a life that she couldn't give me, not with my father anyway. She was convinced that I was destined for something more and she died so that I could have that chance. I knew _she_ thought I was worth it. But what if she was wrong? What if my mother died in vain?

"What are you afraid of, Edward?" Carlisle asked after giving me a few moments to collect myself.

I took a deep breath before speaking.

"What if I follow Bella to LA and we only repeat the same mistakes over again. I couldn't live with myself if I hurt her again. I'd be letting everyone down," I said as the tears started up again.

"Who would you let down?" Esme asked.

I shook my head.

"Never mind," I answered without looking her in the eyes.

"Edward?" she asked again as I continued to stare intently at a crumb on the floor.

Her question was only met with my silence. There were some secrets, some fears that I couldn't disclose to anyone.

"Fine, don't answer me. But, you can't keep going on like this. It breaks my heart to see you like this and I'm sure it breaks Elizabeth's too. She didn't die so that you could waste your life this way," she said with tears in her eyes.

My head snapped up to meet her eyes at the mention on my mother's name. It was like she zeroed in on my greatest fear without even knowing it. I shook my head while biting my trembling lip. I could feel the tears as they spilled over again, only this time I was too weak to attempt to stop them.

I collapsed on the floor in a heap and cried. I wasn't just crying for Bella, I was crying for my dead mother—the one who gave everything so I could have more. I knew I was squandering that chance everyday of my life. I was more like my father than she realized and she threw her life away for somebody that doesn't exist.

Esme rushed over to be and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. She didn't speak, she didn't do anything except let me cry. I'm not sure how much time passed before the exhaustion of countless sleepless nights caught up with me, and I had no more tears left.

"She wasn't wrong, you are," Carlisle finally said, causing both Esme and myself to jump as the silence was finally broken.

I couldn't find the words to ask the question I wanted to as my throat was raw and dry from crying. I looked up at him expectantly from my perch on the floor.

"You _were_ worth it," he responded to my unanswered question.

The next morning, I woke up in my old room with the sun shining through the window. I couldn't remember how I got up here, but I assumed one or both of my parents dragged me up here.

I sat up in bed, waiting for the throbbing in my head that was always there, but there was none. I chuckled when I realized the throbbing was only there because of the alcohol. I hadn't had any alcohol in over twenty-four hours and it was amazing how much better I felt.

I made my way downstairs and laughed at the sight before me. My mother had cooked every possible breakfast food imaginable—eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes, waffles—you name it, she cooked it.

"Good morning, is that an omelet station over there?" I asked in disbelief.

"Good morning, sweetie. Did you sleep well?" she asked as she continued to hum around the kitchen.

"I slept…better," I answered.

"That's a start. Now, what do you want to eat?" she asked excitedly.

"You made way too much food. There is no way the three of us can eat all this," I said as I stabbed at a piece of bacon.

I didn't realize how hungry I was until I started eating.

"Don't be silly! You're father and I don't eat this garbage," she answered as she started washing the dishes in the sink.

I grabbed a plate and began to load it up with a little bit of everything, while Esme looked on with joy.

"Then why did you make all this food?" I asked while shoving a mouthful of eggs into my mouth.

Esme laughed.

"You, of course! And if you are going to keep eating like that, it looks like I may need to make more," she answered while glancing down at my plate.

I laughed when I looked down at my plate. I had piled so much food on it that pieces were hanging off the edge.

I smiled sheepishly at my mother.

"I guess I was hungrier than I thought," I said as I continued to eat.

The rest of the morning went by uneventfully. I watched in silence as Esme cleaned the kitchen. I had offered to help clean, but of course she refused. I continued to stare as she silently made her way around the kitchen, humming some nameless tune while she worked.

In this moment, she reminded me so much of my mother. I remember when my aunt and uncle took me in after my mother died feeling as though there was something familiar about my aunt. I must have been too young or maybe just too traumatized to realize what it was that was so familiar.

But now I was suddenly able to see the similarities between the two. She had the same heart shaped face, same caramel colored hair and blue-gray eyes. But it wasn't just the physical aspects that were similar. I thought back over the years, all the time my aunt was there to dry my tears, tend to a scraped knee or mend my broken heart. It was like she was a reincarnation of my mother—my second chance at a family—and I suppose that was why I was so quick to embrace them as my new parents when I first came here.

I continued to stare, suddenly the ache in my chest becoming more pronounced as I realized just how much I truly missed my mother. She had given so much for me, she had given everything, and I had been living my life so recklessly and carelessly. I wanted to be more; I wanted to be everything she saw in me, I just wasn't sure I could.

"Is something wrong, dear?" she asked, bringing me out of my musings.

"I…um…I think I'm going to go to the cemetery today," I said, shocking even myself.

The words left my lips before I'd even had a chance to think them through. I hadn't been to my mother's grave since the day we buried her. I could never bring myself to do it.

"What brought this on?" she asked hesitantly.

"It's hard to let go of the past when it's still a part of your present. I never really said goodbye, maybe it's time," I said with a shrug.

Esme smiled. It didn't matter how much I tried to play this off as no big deal, she knew what this meant for me.

"I think that is a wonderful idea. Do you want some company?" she asked.

I shook my head.

"That's okay," I replied, trying to act nonchalant.

"You don't have to do everything alone, Edward," she responded.

Her eyes were filled with so much compassion and sadness that it made my heart hurt. It was like looking in my mother's eyes and in that moment it was too much. I shook my head and blinked back the tears.

"I know. It's just…you and Dad are leaving in a few days. I'll be fine," I responded.

"Alright, if that's what you want," she replied skeptically.

I nodded my head and quickly made my way back upstairs.

What should have been an hour drive to the cemetery took me a little over two. The closer I got the more scared I got. At one point, I even turned the car around and almost made it back to my parent's house.

"It's just a cemetery, Edward, man the fuck up," I thought to myself. I wasn't sure what I was so afraid of. I knew the body in that grave wasn't my mother anymore. It was just a shell of who she was. Funerals and graveyards are for the living. It's a place for them to go to find peace and closure, both of which I was severely lacking.

After a much needed pep talk, I turned the car around and finally made my way to the cemetery. It looked exactly how I remembered it from the funeral—cold and gray. The cemetery was on the outskirts of town, so it didn't get a lot of visitors. There was a much larger cemetery in the center of town, and that was where most people were buried. It wasn't well kept and the weeds were overgrown in many places. The gravel crunched under my feet as I stepped out of the car.

I took a deep breath and slowly made way through the wrought iron gate that marked the entrance to the graveyard. Even though it had been twenty years since I had been here, I remembered her funeral like it was yesterday. I could still hear the sobs of our family and friends echoing within the stone walls that surrounded the cemetery.

I didn't cry that day. Was that a sign? I always wondered if that meant I didn't love my mother enough. Maybe it meant I wasn't really sad she was gone. I remember thinking at the time that maybe it meant I was bad. I never told anyone that—not my aunt, not my uncle, not the countless doctors and therapists that tried to help me. That was the one piece of information I held on to for dear life.

I continued to walk deeper in, passing the headstones without having to glance at the names. I would forever remember the spot where they buried my mother. It was the same spot that had haunted my dreams for so many years.

Elizabeth Platt Cullen

6/18/58 - 9/30/90

Devoted Sister, Wife & Mother

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us"

I was shocked to see a beautiful bouquet of white roses lying at the foot of the large, marble headstone.

"Esme," I thought to myself as I smiled. She knew they were my mother's favorite. All this time, I had been so worried that my mother's grave had been neglected because I couldn't get my head out of my own ass long enough to come visit. I should've known my aunt wouldn't let that happen.

I kicked at a rock on the ground as I tried to gather my thoughts and suppress the emotions that were already getting stuck in my throat. I cleared my throat, which sounded louder in the silence than it probably was.

"Hey, Mom," I whispered.

I laughed at how ridiculous that sounded—standing at the foot of my dead mother's grave, and the first thing that comes out of my mouth is "_Hey, Mom"._

I cleared my head of the voices that were screaming at me to run. I had put this off long enough. It was time.

"Sorry, I haven't been by to visit. I guess I just wasn't ready to say goodbye. I miss you like hell. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and what you sacrificed for me. I just hope you didn't make a mistake," I said as I blinked back the tears that were building.

"You don't give her enough credit, you know," a soft voice said from behind me.

I jumped at the sound, not expecting to hear another voice, and quickly spun around.

"What are you doing here?" I asked in disbelief.

"I'm hoping that my mother's intuition didn't lead me astray. Something told me that you needed me here whether you were willing to admit it or not," she replied sheepishly.

"You and your mother's intuition," I joked as I wrapped her in a hug.

She chuckled as I let her go and we both turned to face my mother's grave.

"It's funny. I thought I remembered everything about the funeral, but I don't remember that saying being on her headstone," I said as I pointed my chin in the direction of my mother's grave.

"That's because it wasn't there when we buried her," she said with a knowing smile on her face.

I looked at her and scrunched up my eyebrows in confusion.

"It wasn't until after her will was read that we found her instructions. She specifically asked for those words to be put on her tombstone," she continued.

"I don't get it," I said as I continued to stare at the words.

"Do you know why it was so important to her?" I asked.

She shook her head.

"I don't know for sure since she never told me, but I have a few guesses," she replied barely above a whisper.

She stood there for a minute in silence, staring at the gravestone in front in her.

"Did you know your mother came to visit me before she died?" she asked.

I shook my head and cleared my throat.

"No," I responded.

"It was a brief visit while you were in school. She didn't want to stay gone too long and make your father suspicious," she explained.

"Suspicious?" I asked.

"Your father kept your mother on a very tight leash, he required that he knew where she was at all times, and if there was ever a moment that she couldn't account for, she paid for it," she answered, all the while her eyes never left the grave before us.

I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat and nodded my head in understanding.

"Anyway, it was just for a few minutes, as I said. Not only could I tell she was even more troubled than usual, but she had fresh bruises on her arms and a black eye. The beatings were getting worse, as I'm sure you remember," she continued.

I grimaced as the repressed memories of the beatings my mother had to endure at the hands of my sadistic father crept into the forefront of my mind. I tried to shake my head in an effort to clear my head of the visions that were now assaulting me, but it was as if the flood gates had been opened and nothing could stop the waves of images and sounds as they crashed into my consciousness.

"I'm getting ahead of myself," Esme quickly added.

"Did you know that your uncle and I can't have children? We tried and tried for years, but it just wasn't possible for us. I was heartbroken when I finally realized that I would never be able to have a child of my own," she whispered as her voice cracked at the end.

I dragged my hand through my hair and began to pace. The emotions of being here at my mothers' grave and hearing things from my aunt that I had never known were beginning to take its toll on me.

My hands were beginning to sweat and tremble. I took a few deep breaths to try to calm my nerves, but instead of the fresh air I craved, it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I didn't dare interrupt her because if she was telling me this stuff now, she obviously felt it was something I needed to know.

"Shortly after you were born your mother came to me. She told me that she that since I couldn't have a child of my own that we would share you," she continued as tears fell down her cheeks.

"Your father didn't like her spending a lot of time with me or your uncle, I suppose he was worried we'd convince her to leave, I don't know," she said as she waved her hand dismissively, "but she always made sure that you spent as much time with me and your uncle as she could get away with. She said we were the closest thing to normal you might ever know."

I blinked furiously to stop the tears that had been building, but it was useless. They were falling at will now as my aunt continued to share the thoughts and secrets of my mother that I was never privileged to know as a young child.

"As I mentioned earlier, the day before she died she showed up at the house looking worn down and deeply troubled. I tried to talk to her about what had happened, tried to convince her to call the police, but she refused to listen. Instead, she said something that broke my heart and scared me to death."

I was frozen in place, but all the while my mind was screaming at me to run. I couldn't listen to this. It was all too much. And yet, I couldn't tear myself away. As much as I didn't want to know, I needed to know. Even though my body was trembling in fear, I knew these were the answers I needed.

"She said that she thought God made a mistake when He gave you to her. She said that I was supposed to be your mother all along because she wasn't worthy of such a gift. Of course, I argued with her and told her that she was a wonderful mother and that you loved her very much," she answered.

"But that wasn't what scared me so much. It was what she said right after she kissed me on the cheek and said good-bye," she said barely above a whisper.

"What did she say?" I rasped out.

"_One way or another I will give my son the life he was destined to have," _she responded, sounding so much like my mother it took my breath away.

Her tears were flowing as freely as mine were as she wrapped her arms around me in a fierce embrace. I wrapped my arms around her and held on for dear life. All these years, I had been under the assumption that the only reason my mother left was because of me. I had come home from school and seen the new bruises and begged her to leave. But now I realized that it was her choice, not mine. She left my father knowing full well that it could've resulted in her death; in fact, she might have counted on it.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us," she whispered as she pulled away from my chest and wiped her eyes.

I scrunched up my eyebrows in confusion.

"Don't you see, Edward," Esme said as she wiped the tears from her eyes.

"Your mother knew she had made mistakes in her past and she knew that if she stayed there would be no future for you or her, so she dug deep within herself and made the ultimate sacrifice for the one person that meant the world to her—you. I don't think she wanted to die, but she was prepared for it none the less. In the end, the only thing that mattered was getting you away from your father."

"Couldn't you have adopted me or couldn't you have taken me away?" I asked, desperate to understand why my mother thought she had no other options.

Esme looked at me sadly.

"Do you honestly think your father would've just let me have you? Even though he was a terrible father, he would never have given up control like that. Your mother knew the only way to keep your father out of your life was to lock him in a cage like the animal he was," she explained.

"But why didn't she kill _him?_ Why did she have to die?" I asked.

"Your mother was a lot of things, but she was not a murderer," she answered matter of factly.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and tried to regain my composure.

"So you think that quote," I asked as I jerked my chin in the direction of my mother's grave, "was meant as a reminder of what I meant to her?"

"Partly. But I also think it was to serve as a reminder to you," she answered.

"To me?" I asked in confusion.

"Your mother knew that no matter what kind of a life your uncle and I were capable of giving you, you weren't going to walk away from your childhood unscathed. She wanted you to know that the scars of your past and the what-ifs of your future do not determine who you are on the inside," she explained.

"I don't get it. Why was it so easy for her to believe in the good?" I asked as I shook my head in defeat.

"Why is it so easy for you to believe in the bad?" she asked in return.

I laughed, but there was no humor behind it.

"Have you met my father?" I asked sarcastically.

She rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Do you remember your mother? Isn't it possible you inherited her innate goodness?"

I held my hands up in surrender. Even I knew, after all these years, that I would never convince her that I was bad. She was just like my mother in that respect. I took one last look at my mother's grave.

"I get it. You've proved your point, Mom," I said as I whispered down to the ground.

I heard Esme chuckle from behind me.

"Good-bye, I love you," I said as I kissed my fingertips and rubbed it across her name.

"We're not stupid, you know," she said as we walked back towards our cars.

"Who?" I asked.

"All of us. Your mother, me, your uncle, your friends, Bella," she responded.

I felt the hole in my heart grow a little bigger at the mention of Bella's name.

"What are you talking about?" I asked as I opened the car door for my aunt.

"Isn't it more likely that all of us who love you and have the utmost faith in you are right and you are the one who is wrong?" she asked.

I shrugged.

"Sometimes in our lives, we can't save ourselves, so God sends someone else to do it for us. It's up to us whether we let them," she continued.

I sighed. I felt worn down. I desperately wanted to believe that I was capable of being the person everyone thought I was, but the doubt was still creeping in. Two decades of believing you are the second reincarnation of evil is hard to undo.

"There's one more place I'd like to visit, if you're up it," Esme said.

I certainly didn't feel up to it. I felt nauseous, light headed, my hands were still shaking and clammy, but I had come this far.

I nodded my head.

"Lead the way," I answered as I closed her door and walked to my car.

I immediately regretted my decision as I followed my aunt's silver Mercedes. This was a small town and there were only so many roads to get you where you needed to go. As soon as she turned onto the cul-de-sac, I felt like an eight year old boy again.

I remembered the flashing red and blue lights of the ambulance and police cars that reflected off the sides of the houses. I was sitting, wrapped in a blanket, on the back of the ambulance when my aunt and uncle pulled up.

"_Oh my God, Edward, are you okay?" my aunt asked as she rushed towards me._

_I could only nod my head. There were no words. _

"_Where's your mother?" she asked in a panic stricken voice._

_A police officer walked up and cleared his throat to get her attention._

"_Ma'am, we need you to identify the body," he explained with a pained look on his face._

I remembered the sound of my aunt's scream and the way her knees buckled in response to his comment. I remembered the way my uncle rushed over to her and wrapped his arms around her to hold her up.

I could still remember the way I felt as I watched them carry my mother out of the house on a stretcher. She was wrapped in an unzipped body bag as they wheeled her over to my aunt and uncle. Esme was sobbing into my uncle's chest as he glanced down at the body and nodded his head in the direction of the coroner.

I slowly got out of the car without taking my eyes off the yellow house with blue shutters that stood before me. It looked exactly as I remembered it; only the paint was chipped and faded. Most of the trees were dead or dying, and the bushes were overgrown.

"Why did you bring me here?" I asked as my aunt slowly walked over to me.

"Because it's yours," she responded.

"Mine? I don't want it," I snapped back.

"That's your choice, but I just thought that as long as you were saying goodbye to ghosts, that maybe this was one more you should face. We can leave if you want," she calmly explained.

I took a deep breath. Why were my hands shaking so badly?

"Fine, let's get this over with," I snapped back.

I could feel my temper getting shorter and shorter. It was almost as if I didn't have control over my emotions any longer.

We walked to the front door and I tried to open it. It was locked. Frustrated and angry, I kicked the door in an attempt to open it, but only succeeded in cracking it and bending the frame.

"That wasn't necessary, I have a key," my aunt said as she held up a small brass key.

"Whatever," I said as I looked away.

I couldn't understand what was happening to me. This was not normal, even for me. I felt anxious and irritable. I suddenly had a terrible headache and I couldn't stop sweating even though it was bitterly cold outside.

My aunt opened the door and I followed behind her. I was taken aback when I entered the living room. It looked exactly as I remembered it, only the furniture was covered in sheets and there was dust everywhere. Esme stopped in the middle of the room and hesitantly turned to look at me.

I quickly stepped around her only to be struck with the vision of my nightmares. In my nervous state, I had forgotten what lurked on the other side of my aunt—the stairs. They looked exactly the same except not as big. But then again, everything looks big when you are eight years old. My eyes slowly descended from the top to the bottom. I let out an involuntary gasp when I saw the dark, crimson stain at the bottom of the stairs.

"I tried to get it out. I scrubbed it with everything imaginable, but the bl…it soaked into the wood," my aunt explained apologetically.

I began to pace as I felt out of control.

"I…I can't do this…I need a drink," I said as I rushed to the kitchen. I started opening and closing cabinets. I knew it was irrational to think there would be any alcohol left in the house after twenty years, but I wasn't thinking rationally.

I quickly stormed out the back door and made my way to the shed in the back yard.

"I know there's some out here. That son of a bitch had whiskey hidden all over the place," I mumbled to myself, slightly aware that I was being followed.

I kicked open the door to the shed and began to lift old crates and garbage that had never been cleaned up.

"Edward, what are you looking for?" I heard my aunt ask from behind but her voice sounded muffled, like I was underwater.

"Edward? Edward?" she yelled, causing me to turn around in frustration.

"The fucking whiskey! He kept it hidden everywhere. I know because he beat the shit out of me one time when I stumbled upon a bottle hidden under a floorboard," I explained as I paced around the room like a caged animal.

A floorboard! Ah ha!

I started stomping on the floors boards of the old, rickety shed and when that didn't work I got down on my knees and started grabbing at the boards with my fingers. My hands were shaking so badly that I couldn't get a grip on the edges of the wood.

My aunt got down on her knees and grabbed my face in her hands.

"Edward, look at me. There is no alcohol left in this shed. The police confiscated everything during the investigation. How much have you been drinking lately? Have you had anything to drink today?" she asked with a look of sheer terror etched across her face.

I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. I knew I was going to throw up. I shook my head free from her hands and jumped up. I quickly ran to the corner of the shed and vomited. It felt like my insides were on fire. I no longer had control of my actions as my body continued to violently empty the contents of my stomach.

After what seemed like forever, it stopped and I was able to catch my breath. I collapsed on the floor in a heap. I was fading in and out of consciousness as I heard my aunt's panic stricken voice.

"Carlisle, it's worse than we thought. We have to help him," she said.

* * *

Alright, so what did you think? What is going to happen to our dear Edward? You can't drink the way he's been drinking since Bella left and not pay the consequences when you stop. :( The next chapter is from BPOV and we are going to see what she does the day after she calls Edward. I want to make one thing clear, we still don't know if it was Edward that Bella saw. remember, Emmett and rose's visit was a couple of weeks AFTER the intervention and this chapter ends just the day after it. We WILL find out though, so bare with me. Alright, leave me some lovin' and I'll send you a teaser for the next chapter. Is Bella still miserable? What about Jane? Will Bella quit being so miserable and get control of her life without Edward or will she run back home to find him?


	23. Time to Change

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. However, I do own this story. Please do not plagiarize or duplicate without my consent.

Well folks, here it is! I'm not going to even bother explaining why it took me so long to get this up. I suck, let's just leave it at that.

So before we get to our little story, I want to take a second to say thank you to a few people/

First of all, LiveinDakota, thank you for being my constant support system whether through germ-infested children, massive amounts of writer's block, constant visits from in-laws…whatever it is, you see me through it! So from the bottom of my heart…THANK YOU!

Second, to all my supportive readers, you are the reason I do this! YOU ROCK! And just because I can, I'm going to name names: **LiveInDakota, VivaRobsten, LiLi82, Aliiice (I have tried oh so many times to respond to your wonderful reviews and send you teasers, but you have your PMs blocked), sweetmomma75, bellarina1, grabadietcoke, iamwriter, shlly45, romanceisbliss (thank you for sending out a search party for me when I went MIA, it helped me get off my lazy ass and finish my chapter), & coloradoperson** I have some of the best readers and I feel so lucky!

And to all my lurkers, you know who you are…thank you for reading. The fact that anyone wants to read my words means everything!

Ok, so here is chapter 23. I want to explain something to everyone first. I know we all want an Edward & Bella reunion, believe me I do to, but it can't happen until these two figure out their shit on their own. So while Edward is off doing whatever it is he is doing, this chapter (and probably the next one too) are devoted to Bella and to her figuring out what she is capable of without Edward, Alice, or anyone else!

I hope you enjoy! Xoxo Dana

* * *

**Chapter 23 ~ Time to Change**

(Chapter Song: Maybe by Sick Puppies)

I woke up the next morning with my face stuck to the couch pillow in a puddle of drool and a splitting headache. I had a vague recollection of the night before, but for the most part it was pretty fuzzy. I silently cursed myself for drinking so much wine and made my way to the bathroom.

I laughed out loud when I looked in the mirror and saw the crease marks across my face.

"Classy, Bella," I mumbled under my breath as I rolled my eyes and rubbed my face, trying to erase the marks.

I guess I had to count my blessings and be grateful for the fact that I had enough sense to stay home and get drunk. After all, how much trouble can you get into in the privacy of your own home?

I took an inordinate amount of time in the shower, letting the hot water wash over my body in an attempt to ease the nausea. Unfortunately, all that extra time did was make me late for a job that I didn't feel qualified for.

I had been working for Aro Publishing for over two weeks now and I had yet to even meet Aro himself. Instead, I was continually faced with person after person that was convinced the only position I was qualified for in the company was in Aro's bed.

The only person that had made any effort to be my friend was Jane, but now, I wasn't so sure that's what she was at all. Was Lucy right? Did Jane only befriend me to keep an eye on me and make sure I didn't end up with Aro?

As I finished getting ready, I made the only decision I could make. I was committed to this new job. I hadn't moved away from all my friends, family and everything I had ever known to quit when things got hard.

I was perfectly capable of doing my job with minimal interaction with the rest of Aro Publishing's employees. Certain people, such as Lucy, were my subordinates, so I wouldn't be able to avoid her entirely, but I would keep it strictly professional and impersonal.

The bottom line was—I worked my ass off for years to earn an opportunity like this and I wasn't about to give it up that easily. I would put up my shield and let everything else thrown at me roll off my back.

I took a deep breath, grabbed my purse and phone, and headed out the door with a new resolve. I quickly walked the two blocks to the office. I was so absorbed in my mental pep talk that I nearly jumped out of my skin when my cell phone started to ring.

"Hello?" I answered tentatively.

Even though I was running late, it was still pretty early by all typical standards. There weren't many people in my life that would call me this early, unless something was wrong.

"You must be feeling like shit today. How much did you drink last night?" I heard Alice's chipper voice ask from the other end of the receiver.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized everything was fine, it was just Alice being her usual annoyingly perky self.

"What are you talking about, Alice?" I asked as I made my way into the office building.

I gave the security guard at the front desk a quick nod and a smile and made my way to the elevators.

"I just figured you'd be feeling pretty rough this morning considering the late night drunken phone call I received from you. How many times do I have to tell you to lock your phone up when you are drunk? You are the worst drunk dialer I've ever known," she replied with a slight chuckle.

I cringed as I realized maybe I hadn't been so smart after all. At least I called Alice. There were definitely worse people I could've called in my pitiful state of mind.

"Sorry, Alice. Yesterday was kind of a rough day at work. I guess I took it out on a bottle of wine, or two," I answered sheepishly.

"Is everything okay?" she asked, sounding concerned.

As much as I needed the confidence boost that only a best friend could offer, I was really late and now wasn't the best time to get into everything anyway.

"It will be. Listen, I'm walking into the office right now. Can I call you later tonight?"

"Sure, I'll be home around six," she answered.

Hearing Alice's voice on the other end of the phone only succeeded in making me even more homesick. I fought back a few tears and silently reminded myself that Thanksgiving was just a month away. Charlie had booked his flight out here the day I left and had been reminding me every chance he got. I think the last time we talked it was thirty-five days.

I made my way into my office, thankful that everyone else appeared to running late today too. I quickly made a pot of coffee in the break room and hurried back to my office to answer emails.

I hadn't been back at my desk for five minutes when my cell phone started to ring again. I usually kept my ringer off during work, so I quickly grabbed it and answered it without looking at the caller id.

"I told you I'd call you later, Alice," I said without even saying hello.

"This isn't Alice. Besides, I thought you'd be a little happier to hear from me since you were the one that called me."

I was caught off guard by the sound of Rose's voice on the other end of the phone. She had just been here yesterday, so I certainly wasn't expecting a phone call from her this morning.

"Sorry, Rose, I just wasn't expecting quite so many early morning phone calls. First Alice and now you," I explained.

"Well, you reap what you sow," she laughed.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, feeling confused and annoyed that I wasn't in on her little joke.

"You can't expect to call me in the middle of the night and not get a call back," she explained.

I suddenly had an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was obvious I'd been quite busy with the phone last night, but considering I had no recollection of who I'd called, I started to worry about who else I might have graced with one of my now infamous late-night drunken phone calls.

"Rose, I need to go. I'll call you back later," I said.

I quickly hung up the phone and scrolled through my call log. And that's when I saw it— a phone call made to Edward's cell phone at one o'clock in the morning. I swallowed back the bile that had begun to rise in the back of my throat and breathed a sigh of relief when I saw the call had lasted just under a minute. He must not have even answered. But why didn't he answer?

I thoughtlessly chewed on my bottom lip as I thought about what that phone call meant. Either Edward was avoiding me or something was wrong. It just wasn't like him to disappear like this and to be in contact with no one. Or maybe that's what he wanted. Maybe he didn't want me to be able to get in touch with him. Had my leaving finally severed whatever semblance of a relationship we had left?

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the elevator doors opening followed by footsteps making their way towards my office door. My body immediately tensed as I braced myself for whoever might be on the other side of that door. I just wasn't ready to face my enemies this morning. Not yet anyway.

"Good morning, Miss Swan, sorry I'm late," my assistant, Siobhan, said as she peeked her head inside my door.

I was grateful that Siobhan seemed oblivious to all the crap that was constantly being spread throughout the office. She did her job, followed my directions and kept to herself. If she was aware of the rumors surrounding me, she did a very good job of pretending she didn't.

"That's okay, Siobhan, I think it's just that kind of day," I replied with a smile.

She nodded her head and disappeared to her desk. And with that my work day had begun. I could only hope that my early morning pep talk would help me through whatever was thrown at me.

The rest of the week I successfully managed to keep to myself. Aro had been out of town on business again, so I still hadn't seen him yet. For someone who supposedly hired me for the soul purpose of having sex with me, he sure wasn't around very much.

Jane had made several attempts at conversation through emails, phone calls and surprise visits to my office. I had managed to avoid her with excuse after excuse until she finally quit trying. I small part of me felt sad for cutting her out the way I had without even asking her for an explanation, but I just wasn't certain I could trust her. In fact, I wasn't sure I could trust anyone.

When Friday morning rolled around I smiled to myself in the knowledge that I had survived another week. However, Lucy and Nettie were still a problem. They were both under my leadership, but neither of them did what was expected of them. I constantly had to remind both of them to finish tasks that were assigned to them and on more than one occasion I had to finish the work myself or risk everyone thinking I wasn't doing _my_ job.

I wanted to be able to put both of them in their place, but it was hard to take myself seriously when no one else did.

As I made my way to Lucy's desk to follow up on yet another project, I couldn't help but notice the looks and snickers that seemed to follow me wherever I went.

"Lucy, did you put together the marketing brochures for the book fair next week?" I asked as I stood in front of her desk.

"No. Marcus asked me to help with a project for him," she replied without even making eye contact with me.

I took a deep breath.

"Marcus isn't your boss, I am, so I think it would be best for you to do the job I assigned to you," I answered, trying to sound as confident as I could.

She rolled her eyes.

"But you're not really my boss, are you? You just have that title so that Aro has an excuse to keep you on the payroll. You can't really expect me to answer to a glorified prostitute, can you?" She responded with venom laced in her voice.

I slumped my shoulders in defeat as the snickers from behind grew louder. Without another word I turned around and made my way to the copy room. One way or another, the work had to get done.

I was silently cursing Lucy and this whole fucking company as I made my way into the copy room. I gasped when I saw Marcus standing in the corner with a devilish smirk on his face. How much of that exchange had he overheard? It was bad enough that my employees thought I was sleeping with Aro, but if his managing partner thought so too, my reputation was officially ruined.

"Good morning, Miss Swan," he said as I walked over to the copier.

"Good morning, sir, I don't believe we have been formally introduced," I said as I turned around and stuck my hand out to shake his.

He casually glanced down at my hand and took it into his own. I watched as he slowly brought my hand up to his mouth and kissed the top of it. I fought the urge to cringe as his lips touched my skin.

I smiled and quickly pulled my hand away.

"Miss Swan, it is my pleasure to finally meet you. My dear friend, Aro, has been traveling so much lately that I haven't been able to speak with him about your performance," he said with a slightly menacing tone to his voice.

I swallowed loudly as he continued.

"But rest assured, I have been paying very close attention myself and I can't wait to work with you on a one on one basis," he said with a smirk as he licked his lips.

I would have had to be a complete idiot to miss the double meaning behind his words. As I stared at his face something in me snapped. Without so much as a goodbye, I turned around and marched towards the elevators.

As the elevator climbed to the top floor, I felt my courage waiver. But once the elevator doors opened, I collected my nerves and continued my way towards Aro's office.

"Good morning, is Mr. Volturi back from his business trip? I'd like a word with him," I demanded as I approached his assistant's desk.

"Ah, Miss, Swan, so nice to see you, unfortunately while Mr. Volturi is back, he has asked not to be…" Demetri's polite yet formal response was interrupted by Aro who had just come out of his office.

"It's quite all right, Demetri, I've been meaning to have a chat with Bella," he said as he approached me with a warm, welcoming smile.

With all the talk about what a ladies man Aro was and his supposed interest in me, I had imagined the next time I saw him I would feel like I was being undressed with his eyes. Instead, I immediately felt like I was being welcomed home by my father not some oversexed lothario.

Aro shook my hand and then motioned for me to continue through the doors of his office. I smiled at him and walked into the expansive, luxurious office. Three of the four walls were floor to ceiling windows with an impressive view of downtown Los Angeles.

The furniture was reminiscent of cozy cabin, with large, leather arm chairs and a gigantic leather sofa. The walls were painted a rich, warm color that reminded me of toasted almonds. When I had come to LA for my interview, Aro and I had met at a restaurant nearby. So given the impression that his employees seemed to have of him, this was not at all what I expected his office to look like.

It's not like I was expecting a stripper pole in the center of the room, but I definitely expect something more modern and cold. Instead, I was immediately greeted with a feeling of warmth. There was nothing pretentious or fake about it.

"Bella, please, won't you have a seat," Aro said as he motioned for me sit in one of the two black leather office chairs that were positioned in front of his desk. As I sat down, he made his way behind his desk and sat down.

"Please forgive my absence these past few weeks. I have been very busy with multiple projects—some professional, some personal. I never meant to make you feel unwelcome. Please, tell me how you are enjoying the job," he said with a sincere smile on his face.

If this man had any intention of trying to get me into his bed, he sure was good at hiding it. There was nothing sexual or inappropriate about the way he looked at or spoke to me.

"Well, sir…" I started to respond.

He immediately held up his hand to stop me.

"Please, call me Aro," he replied with a smile.

I smiled back in return and continued, "Aro, I think there has been a misunderstanding as to what my purpose is within your company."

He eyes flashed with concerned.

"I'm so sorry to hear that. May I ask what the problem is?"

I felt the blush rise on my cheeks. I hadn't thought this through entirely when I marched up here on my little mission. How was I supposed to tell my boss, the owner of a billion dollar corporation, that I didn't take this job so that he could sleep with me whenever he wanted to?

I took a deep breath and decided to just lay my cards on the table.

"Why did you hire me if you only wanted to sleep with me? I left all my friends, my family, possibly the love of my life, all for a job that I thought was worth taking. But instead, I'm reminded on a daily basis that I serve no purpose here other than to serve you," I rambled.

I hadn't meant to lay the entire deck of cards on the table, but once I started my mouth just wouldn't stop.

The smile on Aro's face immediately disappeared and was replaced with a furrowed brow reflecting confusion and dare I say sadness.

"Bella, or perhaps I should call you Miss Swan considering the circumstances, I can assure you that the only purpose you are meant to serve me is in a purely professional capacity," he answered barely above a whisper.

I felt the blush return to my cheeks as I realized all the rumors were wrong and I had just stuck my foot so far in my mouth that I could feel my size seven pump in the pit of my stomach.

"I'm so sorry, sir, it's just everyone…" I started to explain.

He put his hand up again to stop me.

"Unfortunately, the majority of the things said about me are probably true. I have made quite a few mistakes in my career, but I can also say that I have learned my lesson. Most of the things you have heard about me were true at one time, but that isn't me anymore. But sometimes the damage is already done. I can only continue to live my life to the standards that I now hold myself to. But please, tell me what I can do to fix this," he explained.

His words held so much sadness and conviction that I had a feeling there was a lot more to his story than he was letting on.

"Unfortunately, sir, this might be one of those cases where the damage is already done. No one will take me seriously, I can't get any of my employees to do their jobs, upper level management is undermining my authority and quite frankly making me feel equally uncomfortable," I said.

He nodded his head in understanding.

"You must be talking about Marcus?" He asked.

I nodded my head without making eye contact.

"You let me handle him, Miss Swan. But I would love for you to continue your job here if you would like to," he said.

I nodded my head again, still not making eye contact with him. At this point I still felt so uncomfortable and embarrassed for being forced to have this conversation. I was glad to have things straightened out, but it didn't make it any less awkward.

"Great!" He exclaimed.

"I do have a few conditions first," he continued.

My head shot up in surprise. He smiled the same warm, fatherly smile I saw when he first greeted me outside his office and I immediately felt at ease.

"First of all, you don't hold your head down for anyone, least of all me. You have earned every ounce of respect and professionalism that I will be demanding from my employees from this moment forward. If anyone, and I mean anyone, makes you feel less than worthy of the job I have chosen you for, they will answer to me," he said with a fierceness that made me almost feel sorry for those that would face him next. Almost.

"Second, you have my complete approval to do whatever it takes to get that respect out of your employees. If that means firing them, do it. I do not question your judgment or your intelligence, so don't you do it either. I know I said I had made plenty mistakes during my career, but hiring you was not one of them," he continued.

I nodded my head and swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat. To hear how much faith he had in me and my abilities made me swell with the pride that I thought I had lost when I took this job.

"Now, do you have any thing else you want to talk to me about?" He asked.

I was still reeling from everything that had transpired in such a short time. It took me a few moments to collect my thoughts.

"Jane," I answered barely above a whisper.

For the second time today I saw pain and sadness in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, you don't have to…it's just she and I were friends…and then…" I rambled on as my incoherent thoughts barely formed words lets alone a complete sentence.

He took a deep breath. The sadness in his eyes was quickly replaced with a stern resolve.

"Jane's story is her own, but I have no doubt that if you asked she would tell you. Jane doesn't make friends on a whim so if she took a liking to you, she must see something special in you—much like I do. I'm sure whatever her motivations are for befriending you, none of them are malicious or manipulative. It's not her style," he explained.

The room fell quiet as he stopped talking, but the silence was abruptly interrupted by Aro's phone ringing.

"Hello?" Aro asked into the receiver.

I nonchalantly glanced around the room as he spoke so it wouldn't appear like I was listening to his conversation.

"Oh, is he now? No, no, don't send him away. Miss Swan and I were just finishing and I certainly need to have a word or two with Marcus. Tell him I will be with him momentarily," he said with a menacing tone behind his voice.

"Is there anything else you would like to discuss, Miss Swan?" He asked as he hung up the phone.

"No, sir," I answered.

"Alright then, don't forget the conditions I outlined for you," he said as I stood to leave.

I quickly exited his office, only pausing briefly to give Marcus a fleeting glance. As I continued my way down the hall I could hear Aro's voice as it bellowed from within his office.

"Marcus, get your ass in here NOW!"

I chuckled out loud as the elevator doors opened.

As I exited the elevators on my floor and made my way down the hall, I noticed Nettie crouched over Lucy's desk. They were whispering and laughing—completely unaware that their world was about to be shattered. I had every intention of dealing with them later. For now, I had someone to apologize to.

Jane's door was shut when I arrived to her office. I stood there for a few moments trying to gather more courage.

"If you stand there much longer you are going to sprout roots and get stuck," a voice said from behind.

I jumped at the sound of the voice and spun around quickly only to be faced with Jane. She quickly reached around me and walked into her office without another word, leaving her door open. She walked around her desk and sat down without taking one glance in my direction.

I gulped. This was going to be harder than I thought.

"Jane, may I come in?" I asked hesitantly.

"Door's open, do what you want," she replied without taking her eyes off the papers in front of her.

I slowly made my way into her office and sat down in the chair in the corner.

I opened and closed my mouth several times to speak, but the words kept getting stuck in my throat.

"You look like a fish when you do that," she said with a smile on her face.

I let out the breath I had been holding.

"Jane, I'm so sorry. I…I overheard you and Lucy talking the other day and it freaked me out. There have been so many rumors surrounding my arrival and I just wasn't sure who I could trust," I said.

Jane finally looked in my direction and her face softened.

"Bella, I'm so sorry you had to hear that. It's not what it sounded like," she responded.

I shook my head.

"I know. Aro and I had a long talk and he assured me of my purpose within this company," I said.

Jane's jaw fell slack and she stared at me for a moment.

"You talked to Aro?" She asked in disbelief.

"Yes. I finally reached my breaking point when Marcus practically asked to fuck me in the copy room," I said with disgust in my voice.

"Yeah, he's pretty slimy," she said sounding distracted.

"Aro definitely wasn't happy with him. When I left his office he was ripping Marcus a new one," I said with unbridled glee in my voice.

"So, I suppose Aro told you about us," she said without making eye contact.

The same sadness I had seen in Aro's eyes was now reflected in Jane's. Without knowing why, my heart was hurting for the both of them. There was obviously something very painful hidden in their past.

"No, he didn't tell me anything. He only said it was your story to tell," I answered.

Her head quickly shot up to meet my gaze.

"Really?" She asked in disbelief.

"Really." I responded.

Jane sat thoughtfully for a few moments before a smile spread across her face.

"Do you want to go get some lunch?" She asked as she grabbed her things and started to walk for the door.

"Uh, sure, just let me get my purse," I answered as I followed her.

"Jane, does this mean you forgive me for avoiding you? Can we be friends again?" I asked as I continued to trail behind her.

"We were always friends. It just took you longer to realize it. Now let's go, I'm starving," she said as she made her way to the elevators.

As we turned the corner I caught Lucy and Nettie doing the exact same thing they were before I went to Jane's office. Nothing.

"Hold on, Jane. I have to take care of something," I said as I grabbed her arm to stop her from getting on the waiting elevator.

I walked over, with my head held high, to where the two girls had congregated.

"Nettie, get to your desk now," I said as I jerked my chin in the direction of her desk.

Without giving her a chance to respond, I rounded on Lucy.

"I want those marketing brochures proofed, printed and packaged by the end of the day today. I don't care who helps you get it done, but it will not be me. And if they aren't done by the end of the day, you're fired," I said and I turned around.

Nettie was at her desk with her jaw open.

"There's a new bitch in town, ladies, now get to work," I said as I made my way over to a stunned yet smiling Jane.

"Let's get some lunch, I'm starving," I said as I grabbed a still stunned Jane and pulled her into the elevator.

* * *

So, there it was. What did you think? What do you want to see happen next? Leave me some love and I will send you a teaser for Chapter 24, and I swear it won't take the better part of forever to get it to you! And just a little preview for everyone, Bella is going to meet someone new in the next chapter. What will it mean for our favorite couple?

Now, I want to ask one more thing of my devoted readers: I have been nominated in several categories in The Twinklings Walk of Fame Awards. I don't know who nominated me, but from the bottom of my angst loving heart, thank you! Today is actually the last day to vote (that's what I get for procrastinating on my chapter). If you don't mind, please hop on over and vote.

Here is the link to vote: http:/ twinklingswfa . blogspot . com / p / voting . html (remember to remove spaces before proceeding)

The categories I am nominated in are:

**Hidden Gem: MrsEdwardCullen912 **

**Rising Starlet: mrscullen912 (This is my Writer's Coffee Shop penname)**

**Maestro Award (most musically inspired author): mrscullen912 (This is my Writer's Coffee Shop penname)**

Thank you so much for your votes and I hope you enjoyed the chapter!


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